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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24337345">my heart won't echo the sounds my mouth is making</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongmoz/pseuds/jeongmoz'>jeongmoz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TWICE (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Divorce AU, F/F, Light Angst, band au, chaeyu if u squint, side minayeon bc why not, this is still considered light angst right</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:00:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>96,790</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24337345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongmoz/pseuds/jeongmoz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>two years ago, momo gives up and sana leaves.<br/>two years later, sana comes back and momo breaks all over again.</p><p>or</p><p>ex-bandmates, momo and sana, see each other after two years to finalize their divorce.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chou Tzuyu/Son Chaeyoung, Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana, Im Nayeon/Myoui Mina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>376</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>one.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Sana takes a deep breath and steps out of the airport. And almost immediately, she is greeted by a gust of hot air, making her grumble as she makes her way to the taxi stand. She pulls the cap she was wearing even lower in an attempt to cover her face, she thinks no one probably remembers her so it was more of a habit than a precaution. She falls in line and leans onto the handle of her luggage, doing her best to keep her knees from wobbling and taking her down in the process. She flinches when she hears whispers around her, when she hears cameras shutter.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. So much for no one remembering you, Sana.</em>
</p><p>Her cover was blown.</p><p>She mentally scolds herself for being so stupid and careless. It’s only been two years, how could she have deluded herself into thinking everyone has forgotten. Sana wants to run, but she stops herself. Coming back here was a long time coming, it’s been pushed back and delayed for so many times—sometimes because of scheduling issues but mostly it was because of her own cowardice. Truth be told, it wasn’t Seoul that frightened her, it was the people and the memories, and the pain that came along with it that did. But just a few months ago, she’d promised herself to stop being scared of coming back and she couldn’t betray herself — not again anyway, so she stays. She doesn’t run back inside the airport to book the next flight back to Japan. Her fingers tighten around her palms, and she forces herself to move forward.  </p><p>
  <em>Deep breaths, Sana. </em>
</p><p>“That’s Minatozaki Sana, right?” Sana hears someone say.</p><p>“I don’t know. Didn’t she just disappear? Why would she even be here?”</p><p>“Maybe she’s back in the band?”</p><p>“Dude, her bandmates don’t even mention her anymore.”</p><p>“Maybe it’s a surprise?”</p><p>“I doubt that.”</p><p>
  <em>Deep breaths.</em>
</p><p>Sana keeps her eyes down, begging the universe to have mercy on her and just let the ground give way and swallow her or send a cab her way at least. Either of the two sound good to her, anything to get her out of there, away from the whispers and the judgement. The universe seemed to listen for once and she finds herself rushing to get inside a cab as soon as the driver finishes pushing her luggage into the trunk.</p><p>Once inside, she felt a little better and grateful for the cold air that enveloped the cab. She takes her cap off and allows herself to look out the window, allows herself to take Seoul in. Everything looks much different than they were when she left, for instance, there were more buildings and it seemed busier and livelier than before. What remained the same was how she felt — the same dread, the same fear, and the same pain she felt when she packed her things and left it all. She leans on the window and shuts her eyes.</p><p>No matter how much she tries to convince herself that she was finally being brave, Sana knows deep down that she wants nothing more than to run away, to hide, and never come back. Deep down, she knows she’s a coward because she’s been back in Seoul after a little over two years but she was already dying to fucking get out.</p><p>--</p><p>The day was unusually humid.</p><p>Momo sits on one of the two egg chairs they had beside the window of their penthouse. Hair in a loose bun, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, back hunched over, and fingers gripping her pen tightly as she writes, Momo looks like a picture of diligence and hard work. She considers turning up the air conditioning unit in the living room but decides against it because it’d mean her having to stand up and disrupt her “<em>creative process” </em>as Jeongyeon puts it. They were hard at work, writing lyrics and composing songs for their upcoming EP, that’s why they were up at as early as eight in the morning instead of spending their day lazing and sleeping on their respective beds.</p><p>At least they were supposed to be.  </p><p>Her bandmates seemed to be stuck, and tired — mostly tired though. After only a few hours of attempting to do their work, Tzuyu’s already knocked out on the couch, Jihyo put her pen and paper down and began distracting herself with her phone. Jeongyeon and Momo are the ones left standing in their battle against exhaustion, although Jeongyeon is already a few seconds away from putting her bass guitar down.</p><p>She can’t blame them for being exhausted though. While being members of the most popular alternative rock band in the whole country meant immense fame, tons of cash, world tours and filled out stadiums, it also meant sleepless nights, immense pressure, and endless exhaustion. Even though they’ve been doing it for four years — almost five, they still have a hard time with it. But it wasn’t all bad of course, they get along great, their personalities were a perfect blend and balance, they had each other’s backs and they had a six year old friendship wherein they would tear the world asunder if someone hurts the other. And as tiring and as stressful the world of fame was, at least Momo got to face it with five — <em>four</em> of her favorite people.  She shakes her head, not allowing herself to even think about the fifth person, as if that person didn’t use to mean the whole world to her. Momo continues tweaking her lyrics when a voice breaks her concentration.</p><p>“Holy shit,” Jihyo says, eyes glued to whatever it was on her phone, and voice piercing through the entire living room. Jeongyeon, who was next to her, finally puts her bass guitar down and leans over to see what Jihyo was talking about. The younger one covers her screen, making Jeongyeon battle her for it. The commotion makes Momo stop writing and listen in. A few moments later, she hears Jeongyeon mutter, “That’s fucking surprising.”</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Momo asks, looking up from her notebook and raising an eyebrow questioningly. The two of her friends look at each other and then at Momo. Jihyo looks unnerved. Jeongyeon raises her arms up in surrender, and says, “You tell her, Ji.” Jihyo faces Jeongyeon and hits her arm, “Why me?”</p><p> Momo shifts in her seat, “Tell me what?”</p><p>Jihyo sighs and looks at Momo again, “Momo,”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>Momo feels shivers run down her spine, the kind of feelings she gets when she knows something bad is about to happen. She looks at Jihyo, praying not to hear anything that could ruin her day. Before Jihyo could speak, their manager/friend/honorary band member, Nayeon enters. They all divert their attention to her but she has her eyes fixated on Momo. And she tells her what Jihyo was about to tell her seconds ago.</p><p> “Sana’s finally back in Seoul.”</p><p>--</p><p>Sana pulls her cap down and puts her sunglasses on before getting off the cab. She gives the cab driver her fare money and thanks him for driving safely. She then lugs her bags behind her as she makes her way to the front door of the Four Seasons. She heads to the front desk and flashes the receptionist a smile before asking for a room key. The receptionist, a girl in her early twenties, looks up and almost drops her jaw when she realizes who she was talking to. Sana hopes the receptionist won’t make a big deal out of it, not yet anyway. Fortunately, the receptionist, although shocked, remains professional. She hands Sana her room key with slightly shaky hands. Sana thanks her and flashes her an apologetic smile before she lets the bellhop load up her luggage and follows him to her room.</p><p>Her phone vibrates as she steps inside the elevator. She lets out a sigh when she sees who texted her.</p><p>
  <strong>Nayeon</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[9:45 AM]</strong>
</p><p>you’re back in seoul?</p><p> </p><p>Sana debates on replying or just ignoring Nayeon’s messages. What would she say anyway? <em>Hey! It’s been two years since I abandoned you all but let’s catch up and get coffee? </em>Nope. Sana doesn’t want that. But she knew how persisitent Nayeon could get, if Sana didn’t reply now she’d just flood her with texts until she finally does. Sana doesn’t have the energy to fight and resist, just being in Seoul has already drained her, so she huffs and types up a reply.  </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                                                                        Me</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                                                                         [9:46]</strong>
</p><p>ugh</p><p>
  <strong>Nayeon</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[9:47]</strong>
</p><p>what? word travels fast around here</p><p>                                                                                                                                                                      <strong>Me</strong></p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                                                                                    [9:49]</strong>
</p><p>that’s one thing i don’t miss</p><p>Sana follows the bellhop out of the elevator, hoping Nayeon stops texting because of her dry replies but her phone vibrates just a minute after anyway.</p><p>
  <strong>Nayeon</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[9:50]</strong>
</p><p>and what about the things you miss?</p><p>or should i say people</p><p>or person</p><p>                                                                                                                                                                      <strong>Me</strong></p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                                                                                    [9:50]</strong>
</p><p>i just got here. don’t start</p><p>
  <strong>Nayeon</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[9:51]</strong>
</p><p>i’m surprised you didn’t change your number</p><p>or block me. i mean you disappeared without a word</p><p>didn’t think you’d still want to be contacted</p><p>                                                                                                                                                                      <strong>Me</strong></p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                                                                                    [9:50]</strong>
</p><p>me too</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>Nayeon</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[9:51]</strong>
</p><p>are you gonna talk to Momo?</p><p> </p><p>Sana stops in front of her room.</p><p>
  <em>Momo. </em>
</p><p>During the years she spent away, she’s been trying not to think about her. She tries not to think about how she felt when she held her, how being loved by her was undeniably the best feeling in the world, how her eyes glinted like dark amber crystals when the sunlight hits it at the perfect angle, how she and Sana used to be young and in love and could not care less about what the tabloids have been saying about them. Sana tries not to think about how things began to fall apart, tries not to think about the last night they spent before she left — emphasis on the try. She fucking loses to herself every single time. After all, how could she stop thinking about the woman she loves and the woman who was the very reason why she left in the first place?  </p><p>Sana decides not to reply until she got settled in to her room, as if the problem would go away if she ignored it hard enough, as if two years on ignoring it and failing wasn’t proof enough that avoiding it doesn’t work. She thanks and tips the bellhop before shutting the door behind her. She plops down the hotel bed, lifts her phone just above her face, and stares at the text.</p><p><em>Not gonna reply, not gonna reply, not gonna re </em> <em>— </em></p><p>Her phone rings, startling her and making her drop her phone flat on her face. She groans in pain, taking her phone away from her face rubs her nose since it took most of the impact. She looks at the screen and sees Nayeon’s name.</p><p>
  <em>God damn it, Im Nayeon.</em>
</p><p>Sana answers the call, already resigned to the fact that a persistent person like Nayeon won’t quit after the first try.</p><p>“<em>Good. I thought you weren’t going to answer</em>.” Nayeon’s says on the other line. Sana sits up and leans back on the headboard, pressing the phone to her ear.</p><p>“As if I have a choice.” Sana replies dryly.</p><p>“<em>You’re right, you don’t.</em>”</p><p>Sana lets out a frustrated sigh, “What do you want Nayeon? Aren’t you supposed to be angry at me for disappearing on you guys?”</p><p>“<em>I am mad. But whatever, right? It doesn’t matter.</em>”</p><p>Sana doesn’t speak, she lets the weight of Nayeon’s answer hang in the air, the implications. Sana knows she has every right to be mad at her, Momo wasn’t the only person she left. She left all of her friends. </p><p><em>“Anyways, are you going to talk to Mo</em> <em>—?”</em></p><p>“No.” Sana says, cutting Nayeon off immediately, “Not yet anyway.” The mere mention of Momo was enough to send shivers down her spine, enough to crush her again and again.</p><p>Nayeon goes silent for a while that Sana begins to think she’s ended the call. Nayeon speaks up before Sana could actually press end.</p><p>“<em>…Is this about the thing</em>?” Nayeon asks, voice now unsure. They both know it’s a highly sensitive topic.</p><p>Sana picks on tiny flecks of lint on the clean white duvet.</p><p>“It’s alright. You can say divorce, Nayeon.” Sana tells her, surprising Nayeon with her nonchalance. She tries not to remember how Sana looked the last time she saw her, makeup running down her cheeks and sobbing as she sat on the floor hugging herself.</p><p><strong>“</strong><em>You’re giving her what she wants then?</em>”                   </p><p>Sana scoffs inwardly. She hates how Nayeon says it like it’s what Sana actually wants to do, like it wasn’t the reason why she left in first place, like she wasn’t scared of letting what was left of her relationship with Momo go, like it doesn’t hurt, like the reason why she came back wasn’t because she’s going to try to get Momo back. She looks up at the ceiling and thinks about the promise she made with the <em>new Sana</em>. Even if it hurt, she has to put on a brave face at least.</p><p><strong>“</strong>I don’t know. I just figured we should at least talk about it,” she replies glumly.</p><p><strong>“</strong><em>Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go well.</em>” Nayeon retorts, she knows the two of them. Momo and Sana were both stubborn; one of the few flaws in their relationship, and Nayeon knows this scenario won’t end well if they keep it up.</p><p>“I don’t appreciate the sarcasm.” Sana wryly tells Nayeon, losing her bite. Nayeon was probably right to be doubtful because there was no way in hell that this will all work out well. Momo’s made up her mind years ago but Sana isn’t usually the type to go down without a fight, it’s the reason why she deeply regrets leaving. She hears Nayeon sigh on the other line.</p><p>“<em>I know, I’m sorry</em>.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Nay,” she says softly.</p><p>“Yeah. Well good luck.”</p><p>“Thanks. And Nayeon?”</p><p>“<em>Yeah?</em>”</p><p>Sana closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.</p><p>“I miss you. I miss all of you.”</p><p>There was silence on the other line, and Sana gets scared again. She holds her breath as she waits for Nayeon’s response.</p><p>“<em>We miss you too, Sana.</em>”</p><p>“I’m sorry for leaving.”</p><p>“<em>Do you regret it?</em>”</p><p>“I do. Every fucking day, Nay. I really hope you guys could forgive me.” Sana says, voice breaking, hoping her sincerity translates well over the phone.</p><p>“<em>Eh, let’s talk about it over coffee</em>.”</p><p>--</p><p>“You’re not going to like this but I’m meeting <em>her</em> for coffee,” Momo hears Nayeon call out as the older girl makes her way to where Momo was.</p><p>The penthouse was empty save for the two of them since the rest of the band decided to eat lunch out. Momo stayed behind, kind of scared that she might run into someone she doesn’t really <em>want </em>to see. She’s given up on writing lyrics and is now eating ice cream on their couch, trying not to think about <em>her</em>.</p><p>“Good for you,” she replies, not even bothering to look at Nayeon.</p><p>She puts her ice cream on her lap and makes the mistake of drawing her attention to her phone in a desperate attempt to take her mind off of <em>she-who-must-not-be-named</em>, but it was no use. Practically the whole internet was talking about her, a bunch of theories popped up about the reason for her return.</p><p>“You’re not angry at me or anything?” Nayeon asks, taking a seat on the empty space beside Momo on the couch.</p><p>“No,” she mumbles, thumb scrolling down her Twitter feed.</p><p>
  
</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan </strong><em>@momosdrums </em>· 2h<br/>CURRENTLY TRYING NOT TO DIE RN SOME PEOPLE SAW SANA AT THE AIRPORT!! HJSHSHSHSJAKL!!!</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan </strong><em>@momosdrums </em>· 2h<br/>YALL what if Sana’s back bc she’s back in the band I’m fuckign scR E AMING</p><p><strong>kelly</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @momosdrums</em><br/>pls i’m weak i’m sick of clownery</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan </strong><em>@momosdrums </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod<br/></em><em>PLS WE R ALLOWED TO HOPE. IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS AKSJLJDLAKS</em></p><p><strong>kelly</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @momosdrums</em><br/>SHUT UP DOES THIS MEAN SAMO REUNION</p><p><strong>BDZ OT4</strong> <em>@MOMOCHINE </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod</em><br/>LMAO didn’t they already break up</p><p><strong>TZUYU BEST GIRL</strong> <em>@chouchewyy </em>· 1h<br/><em>Replying to @MOMOCHINE @jihyoismygod @momosdrums </em><br/>SHUT UP BEST COUPLE BACK TGETHER I WANT TO BELIEVE I WANT TO!!!!</p><p> </p><p>Momo feels the irritation rise in her veins.</p><p>
  <em>Best couple my ass. </em>
</p><p>She lets out a frustrated groan and throws her phone across the hardwood floor. Nayeon’s eyes widened.</p><p>“…<em>Okay</em>. Not mad at all, huh?” Nayeon says, taking a spoonful of ice cream from Momo’s tub and feeding herself.</p><p>“I’m not mad. She’s your friend. You don’t have to choose sides,” she replies, leaning back on the couch, “..even if she left us and dropped out of the face of the earth,” she mumbles.</p><p>“You know she probably left because she got scared when you suggested a divorce, right?” Nayeon retorts, shooting Momo a look. Momo rolls her eyes in response, “Whatever. There was no choice left anyway.”</p><p>“Please. You and I both know that’s bullshit, Mo. You guys were the best couple I know. You could’ve talked things through and —”</p><p>Momo stands up, cutting Nayeon off. “I don’t want to talk about this. I’m going to sleep.” She picks up her poor phone and walks towards her room.</p><p>Nayeon sighs, “She came back to talk to you.”</p><p>That stops Momo in her tracks. Nayeon hears her scoff then sees her turn to face her, expression unreadable.</p><p>“Really? Hooray.”</p><p>“Momo, you can’t keep acting like you’re over her.”</p><p>“Are you kidding me? It’s been a long couple of years, Nayeon. And <em>I </em>was the one who asked for a divorce, I’ve been done with her years ago.”</p><p>“You know you’re not fooling me, right? I sometimes see you staring at her pictures on your phone, I’ve read the lyrics you’ve written about her over the years that she was gone. You can deny anything but you can’t deny that you still love her.”</p><p>Momo shakes her head, a few strands of her hair fall out of her loose bun in the movement.</p><p>“Fuck’s sake. Fine. I’m not over her, I’m not over what she did, and I’m not over what we had because that shit fucked me up, her leaving fucked me up,” Momo spits out, “but all the love that I had for her? She took it and drained it all when she left, Nayeon. So I’m sorry to burst your bubble but I’m not in love with her anymore.”</p><p>Nayeon’s mouth hung open a little. Needless to say she was shocked at the admission, Momo who loved deeply and dearly, and probably would have destroyed the world if Sana asked her to, was in front of her telling her there was no sliver of love left.</p><p>Before she could get a word of response out, her black-haired friend shuts the door to her room.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>They meet when they’re twenty.</p><p>Momo’s on her way to their freshmen orientation and she’s been stressing about it the previous night. There were just <em>so many </em>new people and it didn’t exactly help her anxiety. Luckily for her, her roommate and best friend since high school, Jeongyeon was right beside her. They both decided to go to college at the same university, and it made Momo feel relieved and happy, at least for the whole summer. When autumn came rolling around, her anxiety reappeared. She’s been more than grateful for her best friend but college was scary.</p><p><em>‘It’s just school, calm down. And besides, we’re roommates. Don’t miss me too much,’ </em>Jeongyeon told her the night before while she humored Momo’s nervous rants in their dorm room.</p><p>Momo stops at the entrance of the orientation hall and Jeongyeon notices. “Are you okay?” she asks her, looking concerned. Momo nods sheepishly, not wanting to admit that she was tense and that she could feel the nerves eat her up.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Jeongyeon asks again, eyeing her as they follow other freshmen inside the room. Momo follows her and was about to open her mouth, probably about to deny her nervousness again when a girl bumps lightly into her side. The girl immediately turns to her and apologizes. She has an apologetic smile plastered on her porcelain face, light brown hair spiraling down her back. The second Momo meets her eyes, the world around them disappears and suddenly it was as if it was just them, no crowd of people, no noise. Her jaw goes slack as she stares at the girl in front of her, wondering why flowers even dared to exist when this girl puts them all to shame. Her eyes the color of dark honey and it reminds Momo of something familiar, of home. She looks familiar but Momo couldn’t quite put a pin on it. It’s probably been just a few seconds but Momo’s sure she’s been staring at this girl for a lifetime. Before the girl cold pull her deeper into the trance, Jeongyeon’s voice cuts through her thoughts and brings Momo back to reality.</p><p>“Momo? Is there something wrong?”</p><p>Momo blinks, unable to get a word out and respond to Jeongyeon.</p><p>“<em>Momo</em>?” the girl in front of her repeats softly, her voice sounding like wind chimes getting hit by a light breeze. Momo nods, “Y-yeah.”</p><p>The girl smiles, too pretty, too blinding that Momo fears that she might go blind any second. “I’m so sorry for bumping into you. I wasn’t watching where I was going.”</p><p>She shakes her head in response, smiling sheepishly, “No, it’s okay.”</p><p>“Are you sure? I’m Minatozaki Sana, by the way. Nice to meet you!” she says cheerfully, reaching out to shake Momo’s hand.</p><p><em>Minatozaki Sana. ‘Ah, the sun has a proper name,’ </em>Momo thinks to herself, nodding as she shakes Sana’s hand as well.</p><p>Jeongyeon, who apparently has wandered into the room has come back out due to her roommate’s lack of response. Much to her surprise, she sees her with another girl. She makes their way to them, pushing through a crowd of eager freshmen, and twists her arm around Momo’s.</p><p>“Hey, what happened?” she asks Momo before turning to the other girl and asking, “Hi, I’m Jeongyeon, who’re you?”</p><p>“I’m Sana,” she replies, smile still in place. Like a moth to a flame, Momo finds herself unable to stop staring.</p><p>“Well, Sana, do you want to join us for the assembly?”</p><p>Momo gnaws on her lip, wishing and hoping Sana would say yes.</p><p>“Sure! That’d be nice,” Sana responds, eyes glinting in the sunlight.</p><p>They don’t speak again until they’re seated on a bench the second row from the top, listening idly to the chatter of the other students, and occasionally the speeches of the teachers and admin. Jeongyeon begins paying attention when the upperclassmen begin talking about orgs and clubs. Sana places her elbows on her lap, resting her chin on her palms and looks at Momo.</p><p>“Hey Momo,” she begins. The dark haired girl turns to face her and asks, “Yeah?”</p><p>“You look familiar.” Sana continues softly. Momo bunches her eyebrows together, confused.</p><p>“I do?”</p><p>Sana nods, “Yep. I swear I feel like I know you from a past life or something.”</p><p>“Past life? You believe in that?” Momo replies, laughing at the randomness of the topic. She used to think it was something you talk about with someone you’re close to and not someone you just met. But apparently, Momo was wrong.</p><p>“Mm. Why not? Past lives, soulmates, fate. It’s nice to believe in something. Don’t you?” Sana probes, looking into Momo’s eyes.</p><p>Momo stays quiet. She stares back at Sana, taking her in, the curve of her lips, the glimmer of her eyes, the sound of her voice and she thinks of how she reminds her of fallen angels, and mermaids, too beautiful to even exist. She thinks of the goddesses who grant the wishes and dreams of mortals and how she would not mind worshipping them if they were the reason why this fucking beautiful person was in front of her. She wonders what is going through Sana’s head, Momo wants to know her thoughts, her take on things. Her voice, wind chimes and bells, Momo could listen to her all day.</p><p>She stares at Sana and wonders how it’s possible that after only a few minutes of knowing her, she’s got Momo thanking her lucky stars that she met her. She stares at Sana and thinks about destiny.</p><p>“Right now, I think I’m starting to.” Momo says finally.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana’s added to their little group and immediately fits right in, as if she’s always belonged there, as if they’d saved her a seat with her name on it and were just waiting for her to arrive.  And in just a short amount of time, Sana becomes a permanent fixture in their dorm room, in their lunch tables, in Momo’s life. In just a short amount of time, Momo’s absolutely enthralled by Sana, the way she talks, the she laughs, the way her arms feel when she wraps them around her. Sana’s acting the exact same way; she listens intently to what Momo has to say, puts in the effort to make her laugh, and brings her food when she’s feeling down. Those were the little things but Jeongyeon catches on easily. They weren’t exactly subtle, she sees how Momo looks at Sana, and she sees how Sana regards Momo like she’s given her the stars or has found the cure to cancer. They spend their breaks together, eat dinners together. The two of them walk the other to their classes, pick them up afterwards. They take strolls outside the dorm and Sana intertwines her fingers with Momo’s. Jeongyeon doesn’t contest it, she’s Momo’s best friend and she’s very protective of her but there was something about seeing them together that made her feel at ease. She sees Momo happy, wrapped around Sana’s arms, and Jeongyeon doesn’t mind, even if it meant seeing them go from sickeningly sweet to downright savage with each other. She sees them together and wonders if they ever thought of making it official, announcing to the whole world that <em>yes, they’re fucking in love</em>.</p><p>“So, is Sana like your girlfriend now or something?” Jeongyeon asks Momo on a Friday night. Sana had just left their dorm room, telling them she was going to meet up with some of her friends. ‘<em>You have other friends? That’s hard to believe,’ </em>Jeongyeon had teased her, earning her a pillow to her face. Momo had laughed but instead getting hit, she got kisses on her cheek from Sana.</p><p>“What? No.” Momo retorts, looking at Jeongyeon, amused. Her friend only rolls her eyes at her. “Really? Because with the way you act around each other screams a totally different story,” Jeongyeon fires back with a smirk, “I clearly remember you playing tonsil hockey with her at Jennie’s party. And that wasn’t the first time either.”</p><p>Momo lets out a groan as she drops to her bed, she’s heard this from Jeongyeon a billion times already and she hates it. But not because it wasn’t true, Momo knows she likes Sana, that she’s attracted to Sana. It was hard not to; she’s smarter than she lets on, and she’s funny, and she’s kind. What’s hard for Momo was hiding it made her feel, how much Sana affected her. She’s failed at it but not for the lack of trying, she’s <em>tried </em>to suppress it, thinking that it would go away but it didn’t. It’s difficult to keep a straight face when someone as beautiful as Sana was in front of her, it’s hard to stop the tint of red rising on her cheeks when Sana links their hands together, it’s hard to think straight when she feels Sana’s teeth bite her lower lip. She knows there was something else between them, something more, something much deeper than friendship. And every moment she spends in Sana’s arms, every time she feels Sana’s lips on hers, she knows Sana could feel it too.</p><p>“Come on, Mo. It’s so <em>obvious</em> to everyone else actually. Chungha from our Foreign Language class even asked if you were together after seeing you two all over each other at the coffee shop like the world was ending.” Jeongyeon continues, now tuning her bass guitar while leaning against the headboard of her twin sized bed. </p><p>“Ugh. Shut <em>up</em>.” Momo mumbles. It was one thing to know something, it’s another to be told about it — it makes it <em>real</em>.</p><p>Jeongyeon laughs loudly, “God. You’re like, in love with each other so just go and make it official, dumbass.”</p><p>Momo hugs one of her pillows tightly and pouts, “<em>No</em>. That’s literally the worse thing I could do. She might not think the same way and asking might make things awkward and I might end up losing the only non-obnoxious friend I have.”</p><p>Her friend stops fiddling with her guitar and shoots her a playful glare, “Rude. I think it’s not hard to know that Sana thinks the same way.”</p><p>Momo just sticks a tongue out at her as a response.</p><p>Jeongyeon raises both her hands up in surrender, “Alright. You’re right, Sana doesn’t like you. You’re a child.”</p><p>“Exactly.” Momo huffs, turns around and faces the wall. She hears Jeongyeon sigh across the room, but she tries to ignore it anyway. Who needs labels anyway? They didn’t need to say it out loud, they already show each other how they feel, already have their hearts on their sleeves, and for Momo that was enough.</p><p>--</p><p>A couple of months before their first semester ends, something beautiful was made.</p><p>Sana bursts into their dorm room and greets the room owners cheerfully. It was Saturday and the sun was already up, however, the occupants of the said dorm room weren’t.</p><p>“Good morning, ladies of Room 19A. It’s a wonderful day and ya’ll need to get up,” she repeats with verve, looking at the two of her friends sleeping; Jeongyeon was lying on her stomach, dark hair covering most of her face, comforter splayed all over the bed, and notes on the foot of her bed. Momo was on her side, lips on a slight pout, looking like an adorable burrito wrapped in her pink fluffy comforter. Sana smiles softly, she’s seen Momo asleep so many times during the semester but she’s never gotten over just how <em>beautiful </em>she was, there was something about the calmness of it, about how peaceful Momo looked that just gets to her. She walks over to Momo’s bed and plops down beside her when she receives no response from either of the two. Sana listens to Momo’s soft snores and smiles devilishly when she suddenly gets an idea. She pokes Momo’s side and starts tickling her. Momo gasps, eyelids instantly snapping open, lips already set on a smile. “Sana,” she says giggling, “stop — <em>shit —”</em></p><p>Sana laughs, withdrawing her tickle attack and pulling in Momo for a hug instead. She presses a kiss at the top of Momo’s head. “Rise and shine, lady. We’re meeting Nayeon today, remember?”</p><p>Momo grumbles, “Can we just meet her tomorrow or on the twelfth of never. I’m <em>sleepy.</em>” She wiggles out of Sana’s embrace and turns over, completely covering herself with her comforter. Sana laughs, “As tempting as that sounds, we can’t. She says it’s important.”</p><p>She hears Momo groan underneath her cover and Sana chuckles before trying to pry Momo’s comforter off her.</p><p>“Ugh. Morning people aren’t allowed here. Go away,” Momo whines, battling Sana for her covers with all the strength she could muster.</p><p>“It’s always so funny waking you up. You get so violent. I like it.” Sana says in between laughs.</p><p>“Fuck you, you’re evil.” Momo bites back playfully. Sana stops tugging at the comforter and puts on an expression of mock hurt, “Wow. You kiss me with that mouth?”</p><p>Momo stops struggling too, she looks at Sana and gives her a smug smile. “Why? You have a problem with that?”</p><p>“Kissing you? Absolutely not.” Sana replies, there’s a hint of the truth there — lost in all the flirty banter.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Really.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Okay?”</p><p>“It’s so early for you two to be flirting,” Jeongyeon mumbles from across the room. They both turn to see her sitting up on her bed, back hunched over as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. The commotion earlier had woken her up and to no one’s surprise, she sees Sana and Momo grinning dumbly at each other. She shakes her head, this was their weird ass version of early morning wrestling or flirting — Jeongyeon doesn’t really know.</p><p>Sana grins, “And it’s too late for you to be sleeping in.”</p><p>“It’s still ten in the morning, nerd.” Jeongyeon says with a yawn, throwing a stuffed bunny at Sana. She catches it and sticks her tongue out at Jeongyeon, making Momo burst into laughter. She groans, “Literal children. You two are made for each other.”</p><p>--</p><p>The three of them go out to meet Im Nayeon, a sophomore from their university, later that day. One thing about Im Nayeon is she’s a pretty well-liked student and she’s immensely popular which is kind of an amazing feat for a person in a campus filled with tens of thousands of students. She and Sana became close because they were roommates — it took a while but it was inevitable really. And since she was friends with Sana, it was only natural that she became friends with Jeongyeon and Momo. Nayeon had told them a few weeks ago that she wanted to meet with them to talk about <em>“something very important”. </em></p><p>“Is she secretly dying?” Jeongyeon asks, putting her cap on to partially save herself from the harsh noon time sunlight as they strode on the sidewalk on the way to their meeting place.  </p><p>“Probably not.” Sana says simply, focusing more on holding Momo’s hand than paying attention to Jeongyeon’s query.</p><p>“Is she secretly part of the mafia or something?” Momo questions jokingly. Sana giggles, the side of her eyes crinkling. “I don’t think so, Momoring.”</p><p>Momo hums thoughtfully and looks away, fingers still entwined with Sana’s like her hands were always made for Momo to hold. It seemed so natural how Sana reaches out for her, Momo wonders if that was something like gravity, like how the moon was with the Earth —one always going to where the other was. She wonders if Sana thinks of that too. Momo shoots Sana a soft glance and almost immediately, Sana looks back at her, lips set in a soft smile. Momo smiles back, <em>maybe she does.</em></p><p>They continue walking for a little while, Sana and Momo, still hand in hand, listening to Jeongyeon who’s begun to whine about how their current RA sucked, until they reach the burger joint Nayeon had told them go to. The three of them go in and are immediately greeted by the smell of cooked patties and fries.</p><p>“God, I’m starving.” Jeongyeon says wistfully as she scans the room for their friend. Since there were only a few people at the joint, she immediately sees Nayeon, chin resting on her palm as she looks out the window. “Alright, there she is. Let’s go. I’m starving,” Jeongyeon says, making her way to where Nayeon was, Momo and Sana follow in suit.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.” Momo greets, sliding into the booth. Nayeon breathes a sigh of relief, lifting her chin up and dropping her arm.</p><p>“Finally. I thought you guys would never show up.” the oldest tells them as Sana takes her place beside Momo — of course, and Jeongyeon takes the space beside Nayeon.</p><p>“I was planning on it.” Jeongyeon says lightly with a teasing expression plastered on her face, making Sana and Momo laugh. Nayeon punches her shoulder playfully, “Shut <em>up</em>. Don’t make me regret ordering for you guys already.”</p><p>Momo looks at Nayeon, starry eyed and grateful, “You’re the best.” Nayeon smirks, “I know, I know. Best <em>unnie</em> there is.”</p><p>Sana covers her mouth and blows raspberries as she gives Nayeon a thumbs down, “Boooooo we can’t stand you.”</p><p>Nayeon rolls her eyes and looks at Sana smugly, “Please, I know you love me.” Sana and Momo feign a look of disgust, and Jeongyeon pretends to gag.</p><p>“Whatever, whatever. Listen to me now please,” she says, waving a hand dismissively. She was used to being clowned and teased by these girls anyway and what she was about to say was very important. The girls decide to give it up and pay attention to what Nayeon was about to say.</p><p>“All ears, grandma.” Jeongyeon replies.</p><p>“Good,” Nayeon smiles, ignoring the playful jab, “now you guys know I work part time at 21:29, right?”</p><p>They nod, of course they knew. Nayeon is popular, she was good at everything — an ace if, if you will. Her being good at “<em>everything”</em> does not only pertain to academics and student leadership, it also means she’s good at singing too. It was how she landed a steady gig singing every Friday and all throughout the weekends at 21:29, a live music bar that was pretty popular among the students at their school. The students rave about the food and the service, while the employees brag about the pay. ‘<em>Ah, to do what you love and get paid for it,” </em>Jeongyeon had once said dreamily.</p><p>The three of them have already witnessed Nayeon’s <em>prowess </em>in the art of singing a bunch of times already, the first time was after their first meeting and she forced them all to watch her gig with the promise of free food to celebrate the “<em>start of a new friendship” </em>as she’d put it. The rest of those times, they came in their own free will.</p><p>“What about it?” Jeongyeon asks curiously.</p><p>Nayeon flashes them a big, toothy grin.</p><p>“The band that we had just got signed on to a music label and we’re left without a band. I told the manager I knew just the right people.”</p><p>The moment was interrupted when the food that Nayeon ordered for all of them reach their booth but she keeps the grin on her face as the waitress carefully places the food on the table. The other girls ignore the feast, still overcome by the shock that came with what Nayeon had just told them. Momo looks at her with her brows furrowed, not believing what Nayeon was implying. Sana’s expression was a mix of doubt and shock.</p><p>“You’re fucking with us.” Jeongyeon tells her apprehensively, breaking the silence once the waitress leaves. Nayeon drops her grin and shoots her a look, “No, I’m not. I know you do not just lug around that bass guitar of yours for show.”</p><p>The girl in question blinks, “Okay, I play but that doesn’t mean I’m good.”</p><p>“You are. And you love it, so why not get paid for it then?” Nayeon says with a shrug. She knows that’s what Jeongyeon wants, to do something she loves while getting paid for it. It would fulfill one of her dreams and help with her finances. Nayeon knows she’s got Jeongyeon when the girl doesn’t respond, so she turns her attention to Sana, “Oh please, Sana. We’re roommates, I’ve heard you play your guitar.” Sana looks back at her, eyes wide and trying to look innocent, “I didn’t say anything, lady.” Nayeon shoots her a smirk, she knows she’s got her too. Nayeon trails her eyes to the last person to complete the group, “And I for one know you play drums –-”</p><p>“— when I was thirteen —” Momo inserts dryly.</p><p>“— and I know you were good.” Nayeon continues, sounding like a mother praising her child into coercion.</p><p>“No, I wasn’t.” Momo replies stubbornly.</p><p>“Oh, you were. Jeongyeon said so.”</p><p>Momo looks at Jeongyeon, expression painted with just a tad of disgust, “A traitor.”</p><p>Her best friend raises both arms in surrender, “I didn’t kno —” but her eyes widened all of a sudden, seemingly realizing something.</p><p>“Oh my god, is that why you were asking me over and over last week if Momo played any instruments?” she says accusingly with her torso turned to the oldest girl in the booth. Nayeon props her elbow on the table, resting her cheek on her palm, and smiling smugly at the girl beside her. Jeongyeon slumps back on the leather chair and face twisted in confusion as to why she didn’t even suspect a thing when Nayeon was interrogating her the week before.</p><p>“So, will you join me?” Nayeon asks them perkily. The three girls were still silent, but that didn’t bother her at all because another thing about Im Nayeon is she’s persistent as fuck and she wasn’t backing down.</p><p>“Please?” she continues, pouting her lips and giving her friends her best puppy dog eyes. “It’s a really good gig and it pays well!” Her friends look at her, they knew it was a trap but it was hard to say no to.</p><p>Jeongyeon is the one who breaks first.</p><p>“Ugh. Fine.” she mutters, making Nayeon squeal in delight and Momo put her face in her hands.</p><p>“Jeong, what the hell? That was quick,” she mumbles, trying to stifle a laugh.</p><p>“Oh, Yoo Jeongyeon, you’re the best!” Nayeon says as she gives her a tight squeeze. Jeongyeon groans, trying push her off, “Ughh <em>stop</em>. I’m already regretting this.” This doesn’t deter Nayeon’s squealing though. Seeing this, Sana laughs loudly, “God, Jeong. I can’t believe you fell for her trap.”</p><p>Jeongyeon looks at the others in front of her, “Shut up, it means I get paid anyway. Aren’t you two going to join? Please don’t leave me alone with her.”</p><p>Sana hums, pretending to be in deep thought, “I don’t know, Jeong. You and Nayeon in a duo already sounds better than us being a band.”</p><p>Momo snickers beside her, earning a glare from her best friend in front of her. She takes pity on her and sighs. “Fine,” she says, giving in, “getting paid is never a bad thing because that means I get to buy more food anyway. I can’t promise that I’ll be good at it though.”</p><p>Sana looks at Momo, unable to stop herself from grinning. It was such a Momo thing to say, and Sana finds her love for food absolutely adorable. Momo throws her a look.</p><p>“Satang, please say yes. It’s better when you’re with m— <em>us.</em>” Momo pleads with a small pout.</p><p>And just like that, Sana finds herself breaking, Momo knows how to get her.</p><p>And by god, she’d say yes to this girl all the time.</p><p>“Alright. I’m in too.” Sana acquiesces.</p><p>Nayeon beams at them, “Perfect.”</p><p>After that, they dig in to the delicious plates of food in front of them and the rest was history.</p><p>--</p><p>A month after they start playing gigs at the music bar, Momo begins to feel inspired. She’s written lyrics and poems before but she’s kind of dropped it after her third year in high school. There was something about being musically involved again, and there was something about meeting Sana, getting to know her, kissing her, loving her. There was something about her that made Momo want to write a thousand hundred sonnets, a million songs, hundreds of poems for her and only her. She’s already been able to write bits and pieces while she’s in class, half listening to what the professor was discussing or during her breaks alone.</p><p>She finishes her first song after one particular night with Sana.</p><p>They were alone in the room since Jeongyeon and Nayeon were out for the night off doing some favor the oldest had asked for. Half past eleven in the evening and the two of them were still up, huddled together in front of Momo’s laptop as they watched a drama Momo’s been dying to binge watch. Having Sana on Momo’s bed was no surprise, it’s become something normal, expected. Momo feels Sana absentmindedly drawing circles on her arm, so she looks up at the girl beside her. Sana looks calm as she continues watching characters face dilemmas on the screen. And Momo just looks at her, wondering how someone could be this beautiful. Her stares drops onto Sana’s lips. Momo’s kissed her before, much more than one would think but she knows she’ll never get enough of it, never get over how she tastes. She realizes she wants her, she wants her more than she could ever admit.</p><p>“Sana,” she murmurs. The brunette turns to her as soon as her name leaves Momo’s lips.</p><p>“Hm?” Sana asks innocently.</p><p>“I want to kiss you.” Momo utters, surprising even herself.</p><p>Sana laughs softly, amused at the question. They’ve done it many times and she wonders why Momo thought she still had to ask. She pulls Momo close and presses her lips onto hers. It was soft and chaste at first, and Momo forces herself to be content but she’s unable to stop the want that she feels. She puts a hand on Sana’s waist and kisses her more, lips moving fiercer and fiercer as seconds pass. Sana reciprocates, kissing her back fervently and pulling Momo closer. Momo’s tongue slips out across Sana’s lower lip, and she opens her mouth with a sigh.</p><p>“Is it bad that I want you?” Momo asks, looking at Sana.</p><p>“Why would that be bad?” Sana questions back. Momo sighs again, head dipping low to plant kisses on Sana’s jaw, on her neck.</p><p>“Because you aren’t exactly mine, Sana.” Momo drawls, sucking on Sana’s pulse point. Sana lets out a soft moan and Momo thinks it might be the best sound she’s heard in forever.</p><p>“Momo, I’ll always be yours.” Sana replies, breathless and in all honesty, <em>turned on</em>.</p><p>Momo gains confidence and rolls Sana onto her back. She slides a knee on both sides of her hips and kisses her again. Sana’s teeth captures Momo’s bottom lip, making Momo whine softly. They kiss for a long time, on top of the sheets and then underneath them. Their clothes hit the floor and their soft moans fill the room.</p><p>--</p><p>The next day, Momo spots Nayeon at the library. It was surprisingly quite empty with only a few students littered all over the huge space, back hunched overs tables and cubicles. It was one of the rare times that Momo is alone since both Jeongyeon and Sana had classes. She pulls Nayeon aside and brings her behind some shelves.</p><p>“Hey, what’s wrong?” Nayeon asks, partly taken aback. She holds the books she has in her arms tightly.</p><p>“I wrote a song.” Momo tells her simply.</p><p>“Really?” the older girl questions, delightfully surprised by what Momo had told her. Her shoulders relax and she sighs in relief.</p><p>“Yeah. I finished it late last night.”</p><p>“That’s actually really great, Mo but I don’t understand wh —”</p><p>“I want you to be the one to sing it, Nay.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“When the day comes, I want you to sing it.”</p><p>Nayeon nods slowly, still seventy percent confused.</p><p>“Okay… Is it for someone or..?”</p><p>“Do you really have to ask?” Momo retorts, an eyebrow raised defiantly.</p><p>
  <em>Ah. </em>
</p><p>Nayeon’s hit with a realization.</p><p>“Ah, of course I don’t.”</p><p>And she was right, something that obvious, expected didn’t really need to be said out loud.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Sana pulls her trusty Yankees cap over her head and makes her way to the café right across her hotel. With her dark navy t-shirt, loose denim jeans, round framed glasses, and sneakers, Sana knows she’d have no trouble blending in with the café goers. She stops in front the café’s clear glass doors, hand of the door handle, and look inside. She’s supposed to meet Nayeon at three in the afternoon and she was scared shitless. That’s why Sana breathes a sigh of relief when she doesn’t see Nayeon there. For the past hour she’s debated on whether or not she’d actually meet with Nayeon or ditch her, but seeing no one waiting for her made her feel better, relieved that she still has a few minutes to herself, to prepare for seeing one of the people she left — as if two years of radio silence weren’t enough already.</p><p>She takes a deep breath and takes her cap off before pulling the door open and stepping inside. The smell of coffee fills her nostrils as she moves toward the counter and orders two iced cappuccinos. She thanks the barista, who thankfully was too late recognize her, and walks over to the table at the farthest corner of the café. Sana takes a seat and tries to compose herself before Nayeon arrives. She stares at the condensation building up on the plastic cup of her coffee.</p><p>What was she going to say to her? <em>Hi! I’m sorry for leaving you guys can we be friends again? Hi, Nayeon! I’m sorry for disappearing for a couple years? How have you been? How is my wife? Does she hate me even more now? </em></p><p>And just like that her mind wanders off to Momo again. <em>Fuck. </em>How was she going to get her back when she can’t even handle meeting Nayeon? She grumbles in defeat, there was no way she could do this. She sighs and fishes her phone out of her purse. She begins to type up a message for Nayeon telling her that she wouldn’t be able to make it to coffee, giving her a random excuse and an apology but she stops typing when she sees a very familiar face enter the café.</p><p>
  <em>Too late.</em>
</p><p>Sana drops her phone back in her bag, place her hands on the table, and sighs as Nayeon walks over to where she was.</p><p>“Wow. A genuine Minatozaki Sana sighting. Pretty rare these couple of years.” Nayeon says dryly, no hint of playfulness, and takes a seat across her.</p><p>“You must be very lucky.” Sana retorts, making Nayeon shake her head.</p><p>“Maybe,” the older girl tells her, tone dropping the hint of venom it had a few seconds earlier, “I didn’t think you’d make it today. I honestly was waiting for you to text me some lame excuse and tell me you won’t come.”</p><p>Sana gives up, looking at her friend who she hasn’t seen in years, and flashes her an apologetic smile.</p><p>“Well, I was about to but you arrived so...” she trails off. Nayeon laughs softly, “You’re the worst.” Sana chuckles back but it dies down shortly.</p><p>“I’m sorry, for leaving.” Sana tells her sincerely, giving Nayeon a rueful look. Her friend sighs and reaches out to hold her hand.</p><p>“It’s okay, really. I know you had a reason,” she replies softly, giving Sana’s hand a soft squeeze. Sana smiles at her appreciatively, “Thank you.” She lets out a breath and squeezes her friend’s hand back. “It was mistake though — leaving. It was just done so hastily and the only reason why I took so long to come back was because I was scared of facing the consequences and —”</p><p>“Sana.” Nayeon says, cutting her off. “You know I’m not the person you should explain to, right?”</p><p>
  <em>Right.</em>
</p><p>“Y-Yeah. God. I don’t know how to face her again, Nay.” Sana utters, she’s trying to keep her voice from cracking. Sana’s a strong girl but she’s weak and she breaks easily when it comes to Momo.</p><p>“I honestly don’t know what to tell you, Sana.” Nayeon says, releasing her friend’s hand. “You practically ghosted us. And her, your wife — you ghosted your wife, Sana.”</p><p>“And I regret it. But —” Sana groans, burying her face in her hands.</p><p>“But what?”</p><p>Sana looks up from her hands and looks at Nayeon, unsure if she was ready to embarrass herself by telling her what she really came back for.</p><p>“Um. I know I have no right to ask you this but,” Sana says slowly, deciding to tell Nayeon anyway, “Do you think she’ll take me back?”</p><p>Nayeon looks back at Sana, trying to mask the pity that she felt, her mind immediately wandering off to the conversation she had earlier with Momo.</p><p>“I don’t know. She’s still, uh —” she stutters, <em>not in love with you anymore?</em> “—she’s still angry. And weren’t you guys about to get…<em>divorced</em> before you left?”</p><p>Sana’s face falls, “Yeah.”</p><p>How could she forget? It was the reason why she left anyway. Sana’s breaking and she has no more strength to even try to hide it. It was in plain view for Nayeon to see.</p><p>“I really want you guys to work this out, you know?” she tells Sana truthfully. It hurt seeing them hurt because of each other, she remembers watching Sana crumble even before she left, and she remembers hearing Momo sob into the night when she thinks everyone is asleep weeks after Sana was gone.</p><p>“That’s what I’m going to try to do, Nay.”</p><p>“Bu —” Before Nayeon could finish her sentence, a familiar-looking girl puts a hand on her shoulder. Sana stares at her intently, she knows her but she couldn’t quite put a finger on it.</p><p>“Hi,” the girl greets softly. Nayeon turns around and breaks into a huge grin.</p><p>“Hey, babe,” she greets back, pushing the chair beside her so the girl could sit.</p><p><em>Babe?! </em>Sana looks at the both of them in confusion as the girl sits down. Sana clears her throat, demanding an answer from her friend in question.</p><p>Nayeon turns back to her, “Oh, uh. Sana, this is Myoui Mina. Mina, this is Sana. I hope you don’t mind that I asked her to come here.”</p><p>The girl — <em>Mina, </em>reaches out a hand. “Hello, it’s nice to see you again, Sana.”</p><p>Sana laughs awkwardly as she takes Mina’s hand and shakes it, dazed and still wondering where she knew this girl from. <em>Myoui Mina. Myoui… </em>And then it dawns on her.</p><p>“Holy shit. Mina? I haven’t seen you since college!” she exclaims excitedly, “I mean <em>really </em>see you, of course I’ve seen you around, you’re a world famous ballerina! My parents loved you in the Nutcracker.”</p><p>Mina laughs, “Well, probably not as famous as you guys.”</p><p>“Please, you’re better than the rest of us combined.” Nayeon scoffs.</p><p>Sana nods.</p><p>“How did you guys manage to reconnect and become friends again?”</p><p>Nayeon and Mina share a look, Sana raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“I’m her fiancée.” Mina states, smiling sheepishly.</p><p>“Her what now?” Sana questions, unable to process the information that was given to her. From what she remembered Nayeon and Mina dated a few years back, before BDZ was scouted, before Nayeon gave up singing. But they ended up breaking up for some reason.</p><p>“Fiancée, Minatozaki. We’re getting married in two weeks.” Nayeon repeats, looking Sana in amusement.</p><p>Her eyes widens, “Oh my god? Congratulations!”</p><p>The couple thanks her and gives her sheepish grins, the fluttering feeling they get when they acknowledge their engagement still hasn’t worn off. Sana’s reminded of her and Momo, and her heart continues to ache.</p><p>“This is why I asked to meet up. I couldn’t just tell you over the phone.” Nayeon tells her, still smiling.</p><p>“Does this mean I’m invited?” Sana says with a grin.</p><p>“Guess so.” Nayeon shrugs, looking at Sana playfully and making her laugh lightly.</p><p>“How did this happen though? You guys broke up years ago. How did Nayeon manage to get you back?” Sana jokes, trying to divert her thoughts away from her sinking love life.</p><p>Nayeon complains, “Excuse you, <em>she </em>was the one who asked <em>me</em> out again.”</p><p>“Well that’s weird.” Sana replies teasingly, feigning confusion. Mina laughs softly and looks at Nayeon, “Well, believe it or not, she’s actually telling the truth.”</p><p>“I have <em>got </em>to know how that happened.” Sana replies grinning, curiosity weighing over her current worries.</p><p>“It’s a long story.” Nayeon says thoughtfully, hand absentmindedly rubbing the back of Mina’s.</p><p>“I’m all ears.” Sana says eagerly with a smile. She’s always loved love stories that ended with happy endings, it’s just ironic that hers didn’t seem like it was going to.</p><p>--</p><p>It’s almost nighttime and it’s been a few hours already after shutting the door on Nayeon and Momo starts to feel cooped up. She’s been trying to take a nap in yet another attempt to keep her mind off of Sana, and she’s done her best trying not to pick up her phone. The internet was not a safe place for her sanity as of the moment, her phone in general wasn’t safe because she might not be able to stop herself from contacting Sana. And it would be a whole mess, it’d make things worse. She’s a little bit annoyed that Sana still has that effect on her after all these years. She’s angry — of course she is, and she’s frustrated but it was more at herself than at Sana if she was being honest. After all, Momo was the one who wanted to end things with her in the first place, and instead of giving her an answer and setting her free, Sana ran away, so why was Momo the one hiding from her her, why was <em>Sana </em>the one going out and catching up with Nayeon?</p><p>She lets out a huff as she kicks her covers off as she’s decided get out of the penthouse. Momo hastily changes out of her pajamas and puts on a pair of crisp jeans and a blue top. She puts her hair up in a tighter bun, takes out a short black wig out of her dresser, and puts it on her head. Momo looks at the mirror as she adjusts the wig in place and puts her round shaped glasses on as well. She chuckles to herself, she and her bandmates wear disguises out for fun when they go out. They could always bring their manager and their bodyguards if they didn’t want to be mobbed in the streets of Seoul, but where’s the hilarity in that? BDZ wasn’t BDZ if they weren’t a little bit of crackheads, and the disguises were foolproof because they could just put on wigs and glasses — it’s hard to mess that up, and people didn’t bother them at all. Momo takes one last look at herself in the mirror and grabs her phone and her backpack before going out of her room.</p><p>Momo hoists one of their bicycles off of their bike stand and wheels it out of the apartment door. She takes the elevator to the lobby and moves past the revolving doors. Momo positions herself on her bicycle and starts to pedal, breathing in the surprisingly cold mid-April air. Riding her bicycle around the city always calms her down, it eases her mind and it helps her push out unwanted thoughts. It was therapeutic and she’s done it a billion of times that it was hard to let go despite the fact that it was something she used to do with Sana. They used to ride their bikes towards the park near the Han River whenever they felt like it, whenever they wanted to have dates that weren’t fancy, whenever Sana feels sad, whenever Momo feels stressed. Momo still bikes around but she’s avoided the riverside months after Sana had left. There were too many memories, too many remnants of Sana that she couldn’t just ignore.</p><p>But much to her surprise, she finds herself pedaling fast along the riverside. Momo wants to turn around, go home but she mentally scolds herself; Sana has taken too much from her already, she can’t give her the river too. So, Momo rides along the bank, careful not to hit anyone. The lights were twinkling, looking like stars on the surface of the water, the people seemed to be happy just relaxing and talking, children were running around with their laughter echoing in the distance and Momo’s too enamored by it that she’s caught off guard. The feeling of her bike crashing into someone breaks the trance, and Momo instantly panics. She leans on her left leg for support before she could fall sideways and onto the cement. She sees the woman she hit fall over and Momo immediately gets off her bike as she rushes to the girl’s side.</p><p>“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I was so distracted. I’m so so sorry,” she apologizes sincerely as she crunches down and helps the woman stand.</p><p>“Oh no, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it!” the woman reassures her as she takes Momo’s hand, gets up, and dusts herself off. </p><p>“Did you break something? Do I need to take you to a hospital?” Momo asks, voice filled with concern.</p><p>“Hospital? No, no it’s fine really. I wasn’t looking where I was walking,” the girl says with a smile as she stands straight.</p><p>“Are you sure becau—” Momo’s words stop short as she sees the woman’s face. The baseball cap’s done nothing to conceal it, and Momo would always recognize that face anywhere.</p><p>“<em>Sana?</em>” she mutters slowly as she stares at the person in front of her, dazed and unbelieving. Of all the places she could have gone, why, <em>why</em>, did she have to choose the Han River. Momo hates herself then.</p><p>Sana stares back at her and Momo watches as her expressions turns from confusion to realization to shock.</p><p>“M-Momo. Hi.” Sana greets woodenly, she wasn’t prepared for this. No amount of preparation could have ever prepared her for this, for the moment she sees Momo again.</p><p>Momo seethes, biting her lip as she struggles not to scream or cry or do both.</p><p><em>Hi? </em>After two years, that was all she had to say? Fucking <em>hi</em>? Momo feels the anger rise up in her again, she’s panicking and she’s angry and she’s feeling so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that she’s lost the strength to reign her sharp tongue in.</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing here?” she spits, eyes burning.</p><p>“I-I where? The riverside? I just got back here and I missed it so I —” Sana stammers, Momo’s anger piercing through her chest.</p><p>“I meant what the <em>fuck </em>are you doing back in Seoul,” Momo states, venom still present.</p><p>“I… I came back to see you.” Sana replies, hoping Momo wouldn’t hear her voice breaking.</p><p>“To see me?” Momo asks sarcastically, “Are you fucking kidding me?”</p><p>“Mo —”</p><p>“Save your breath, Sana,” she says sharply as she pulls her bike upright and prepares to ride off. She turns to Sana one last time.</p><p>“Ah, now that you’re here, I guess we can finally push through with the divorce.” Momo states, feigning nonchalance. Inside, she’s shattering, she feels the tears prickling, but she can’t show weakness. Sana’s lost the right to her vulnerability, so Momo does her best to keep a straight face.</p><p>Sana’s face falls as she shakes her head, moving towards Momo.</p><p>“Momo, please just hear me out,” she pleads, trying to reach out and hold her. Momo realizes this and cuts her off by moving a little forward.</p><p>Momo is confused, she doesn’t know what she’s feeling anymore. Moments ago, it was clear that she was angry but now, seeing Sana look so helpless, so sad, Momo just wants to do nothing else but pull her into a tight embrace.</p><p>Momo wants to say <em>I missed you </em>but what she says instead is, “Sure, I will. My lawyer will call you on Monday. I’ll see you then.”</p><p>And with that she faces forward and drives off, leaving Sana in the dust.</p><p>Momo gets back to an empty penthouse in no time. It was still empty and the absence of her bandmates made the entire space look and feel hollow. Funnily enough, that was how Momo felt. All the anger and pain she had felt at the river with Sana was all gone, all blown away by the wind as Momo scrambled to make it home without crying.</p><p>She places the bicycle on the bike rack and manages to make it to the living before falling to the floor on her knees. She feels the tears make their way down her face and she lets herself sob. And after two years, Momo was back at square one, feeling as empty as she was the day Sana had left Seoul.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>two.</strong>
</p><p>Sana watches Momo as she drives away, figure blurring as tears cloud her vision. Her chest rises and falls as she heaves out sobs. She wants to chase after her, tell her she was sorry and that it was wrong to leave and that she’s regretted it so much. She wants to tell Momo that she loves her still, she wants to hold her and ask her to take her back. But she couldn’t, Momo’s gone and Sana was there, alone and crying. She’s aware that a bunch of people were staring at her, but she couldn’t find it in her to care. Seeing Momo look at her like that, like she hates her, reminded her of the last night they saw each other before she left, and it was enough to send her crashing.</p><p>She mentally kicks herself for not going straight home after meeting up with Nayeon and Mina, but in her defense, she didn’t know she’d bump into Momo so soon. She had it all planned out, but that went down the drain and now she’s left with no plan and a broken heart; exactly the way she was two years ago.</p><p>Sana absentmindedly hails a cab and soon enough finds herself standing in front of Nayeon’s apartment. She knocks and Nayeon opens the door to find Sana, face wet with tears, crestfallen and unable to breathe.</p><p>“Sana. What happened?” the older girl asks worriedly, placing both hands on the other girl’s shoulders.</p><p>“Nayeon,” Sana manages to say despite her sobbing.</p><p>“Why are you crying?” Nayeon questions, growing concern immediately coloring her tone.</p><p>Sana sniffles and tries to control her breathing as she struggles to reply, “Momo. I saw Momo.”</p><p>”Oh no. I thought you weren’t gonna meet her yet?” she asks, confused.</p><p>“I-It was an accident, I didn’t know I’d see her and <em>fuck </em>she hates me. She hates me, Nay.” Sana weeps, she’s uncontrollable.</p><p>“Jesus, Sana, you poor thing.” Nayeon sighs. She pulls Sana into a tight hug and takes her in without another word. She lets her sob all over her shirt and tends to her throughout the night.</p><p>Having Nayeon around made Sana feel a little better, but her heart still ached and no amount of cookies or movies she could devour would be able to eradicate the hurt completely. So Sana lets it sit there in her heart, lets it fester; not caring if it kills her.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Momo realizes that maybe labels were indeed important. There were people coming up to Sana, asking her out, and she couldn’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy every single time. She wants to tell them that they can’t do that because someone already owns Sana’s heart, but she knows she can’t.</p><p>Sana doesn’t say yes or lead those other people on. Of course she wouldn’t, her heart’s already set on someone else.</p><p>Momo and Sana’s relationship didn’t lack love or wanting, what it lacked was bravery. They were at a point in their relationship where both of them know there was something else between them. The kisses, the sex, the tight embraces — all of them meant something. They’ve been on that point for a long while already but both of them were too scared, too in denial. They were in love, they just needed to take the leap.</p><p>One leap of faith was all it would take. So on the last night of their first semester, Momo gets brave.</p><p>She and her friends were playing their last gig for the semester and they’ve somehow landed into a conversation about whether they were a band or not in between breaks.</p><p>“Okay seriously? After two months of playing together, why are you still in denial? We <em>are </em>a band.” Nayeon says incredulously.</p><p>“I still don’t know what to call us. What kind of band doesn’t have a name? We’re like, nameless.” Momo tells them, proceeding to sit on the edge of the mini stage they were on at the left corner of the lounge.</p><p>“You don’t have to call us anything.” Jeongyeon replies as she grabs a bottle of water from her bag and takes a swig.</p><p>“Or you can call us that: <em>Nameless</em>.” Sana says wistfully, looking away dramatically as she sits beside Momo. The other girl laughs, “You’re so <em>stupid.” </em></p><p>“Stupidly in love, you mean.” Sana singsongs, pulling Momo into a tight hug. And in true Momo fashion, she lets out a whine and pretends to struggle out of Sana’s grasp but gives up after just a few seconds.</p><p>Jeongyeon whines, “See? I can’t be in a band with you two.”</p><p>“Ignore her. It’s the dehydration.” Momo says, trying to be serious. She reaches to her side and hands Sana a bottle of water, Sana gratefully takes it with a grin and drinks.</p><p>“Finds me funny and never lets me get dehydrated? Wife material right here.” Sana says after taking a few sips and puckers her lips to make kissy faces at Momo, who feigns disgust as a response.</p><p>Nayeon shakes her head in amusement, she’s always amazed at how they acted towards each other. The two of them had always pretended to quarrel and annoyed the hell out of each other but Nayeon always catches the little things, the cracks of the façade they put on. She senses the hints of truth thrown in in their banters here and there and sees Momo’s soft looks, how Sana looks at peace wrapped around Momo’s arms. To Nayeon, it was love before you know it’s love, a bud before it blooms; it’s there but it just needs a little more push.</p><p>“She’s barely even your girlfriend,” Jeongyeon says airily with a smug grin on her face.</p><p>“What do you mean barely?” Nayeon asks rhetorically, deciding to join in, “They kiss —”</p><p>“—please stop—,” Momo cuts in but it doesn’t deter Nayeon.</p><p>“—and they go on dates, Sana practically lives in your dorm room, and honestly, did you guys think you were being subtle that one time Jeong and I came home from the movies and found you two in the dorm room, trust me, it smelled like se —”</p><p>“Oh, would you look at that? Break time’s over.” Sana says, letting go of Momo and dusts herself as she gets up. Momo’s cheeks showed a tint of red and she gulps down a few mouthfuls of water.</p><p>Jeongyeon laughs along with Nayeon, “Who do guys think you’re fooling?”</p><p>Sana sticks a tongue out at Jeongyeon as a response. She crunches down and kisses Momo on the cheek before sauntering back on the stage. Jeongyeon rolls her eyes and follows Sana.</p><p>“Seriously though. What’s going on with you guys?” Nayeon asks, eyebrows raised.</p><p>“We’re friends.” Momo replies casually.</p><p>“Friends who fuck?” Nayeon says snidely, crossing her arms.</p><p>“Yep.” Momo responds, lips pressing into a tight line.</p><p>“Bull<em>shit</em>. Momo,” the older girl begins, voice going soft but urgent. Momo stares at her friend; fair skinned, red lipped, and brown eyes filled with concern. She sighs, giving in.</p><p>“Alright, <em>fine. </em>Fine. I’m in love with her and I think she loves me too.” Momo blurts out, unable to stop the red from tinting her cheeks. Nayeon giggles, “So she’s your girlfriend? Jeongyeon needs to pay up.”</p><p>“Shush. No, not yet anyway and — wait a minute, you guys we’re betting on us?”</p><p>Nayeon’s eyes widen slightly, caught and guilty.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“<em>Riiight</em>.” Momo says slowly, eyeing Nayeon suspiciously for a moment, “Anyways, I need your help.”</p><p>“With what?” Nayeon asks, happy about the change of topic.</p><p>“I’m gonna ask her to be my girlfriend tonight.” Momo says seriously.</p><p>Nayeon squeals, pulling Momo in for a quick embrace, “Fucking finally, Hirai. Now, what can I do to help?”</p><p>Momo gives her a smile, “Remember the song I wrote? Sing it tonight.”</p><p>Nayeon’s grin broadens in response, “Ah, of course. You’re so cheesy.”</p><p>“Stop teasing.”</p><p>“Oh, Momo. Who knew you were such a romantic?” her friend says dreamily and makes her way up the platform again. Momo follows her and takes her place behind the drum set. She catches Sana’s gaze and smiles softly. Sana smiles back, looking like the sun during an eight o’clock morning; bright and blinding.</p><p>Nayeon taps the microphone gently before she speaks, “Good evening. We’re back. I hope everyone’s having a good time. For those of you who just came in, I’m Im Nayeon and me and my band will be serenading you tonight.” She grins after the short introduction and people look on. It was easy to be drawn to her because there was something about Nayeon that screams <em>STAR</em>, she’s one of those people who you look and think: <em>she’s born to be famous</em>.</p><p>“Now, I’ve decided to perform the first song alone.” Nayeon says to the mic. This puzzles Sana and Jeongyeon, both of whom stare at Nayeon with their brows furrowed in confusion. Momo sits back and tries not to get nervous. The confusion immediately dissipates when Nayeon laughs, “Don’t worry. It’s just for this song.” She turns to her confused bandmates and says, “You guys deserve a longer break.”</p><p>Sana turns to look at Momo, staring quizzically. Momo just shrugs noncommittally, too nervous to do anything else. She stands up and moves to the left wing of the platform, Jeongyeon follows her while Sana, still confused, stands awkwardly on her spot. The older girl grabs a stool from the side of the stage. Sana moves to the side, putting her guitar down, and robotically makes her way to where the rest of their bandmates were.</p><p>Nayeon’s grin grows wider as she sits down, guitar held in place.</p><p>“Alright. This one’s an original song. It’s called Purple.”</p><p>Momo swallows. <em>Moment of truth.</em></p><p>“And it’s written by Momo for Sana.” Nayeon says with a smug smirk.</p><p>Sana stares, eyes wide and puzzled.</p><p>“<em>Maybe I’m selfish but I want you all to myself,” </em>Nayeon croons, strumming the first notes. “<em>Your lips, your hips, your fears I want it all. Maybe I’m selfish but I want to be yours.”</em></p><p>Momo holds her breath as she listens to Nayeon sing the words she wrote. Sana was the opposite, she feels her chest rise and fall quickly, and she begins to think that she’s hyperventilating. She listens in, absorbing the lyrics that were being sung.</p><p>Momo bites her lip, still holding her breath and waiting for Sana’s response. It was agonizing, and scary. She listens to Nayeon serenading the crowd, listens to her hitting every note, strumming every chord. Momo bookmarks this as one of the scariest, fear-inducing moments of her life with arguably really good background music. It was like she was falling after dangling thousands of feet up in the air and not knowing if someone was there to catch you or if you were going to be left to break and shatter as you hit the ground.</p><p>Beside her, Sana blinks, finally able to process what was happening, what Nayeon was singing about, what Momo wrote about.</p><p>Momo wants her the way Sana wants her. Momo loves her the way Sana loves her.</p><p>It was not a surprise, it was more of a verdict; a confirmation, paving the way for something more.</p><p>“Y-You love me.” Sana says slowly.</p><p>It was not a question.</p><p>It was a statement, a fact.</p><p>Momo finally gains the courage to tear her eyes away from Nayeon and looks at Sana in the eye.</p><p>“Yeah. I do.” Momo answers shyly with a small smile.</p><p>“You do.” Sana says, nodding softly and smiling back at her.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Sana asks rhetorically, her grin grows wider. Momo could feel the blood rising to her cheeks.</p><p>Sana snickers. “I love you too.” She pulls Momo in and kisses her. Momo kisses her back, hands on Sana’s waist. It felt different from all the kisses they shared before, it was less contained, less hesitant. It was different because everything was finally so sure.</p><p>They hear Jeongyeon mutter “Finally” on the side but they become so wrapped up in each other that they don’t notice that. And they don’t notice that Nayeon has finished singing, they don’t hears the claps, the cheers. They forget that they were in front of a crowd.</p><p>What pulls them apart is Nayeon’s clear cut speaking voice piercing through the microphone again.</p><p>“Alright. Now if the happy couple over there would stop making out, the rest of the band would like to begin the second half of our set,” she says with a soft chuckle.</p><p>They let go of each other and try to compose themselves before smiling sheepishly as they move back to their places at the stage. Jeongyeon laughs and gives Momo a clap on her back. Momo takes her place behind the drum set as she did just minutes before and tries to ignore the fact that she’s probably still blushing.</p><p>“Ladies and gents, enjoy your evening.” Nayeon tells the crowd, giving Momo a thumbs up. Momo nods in response before glancing at Sana. The girl tosses her a perky grin and straps on her guitar. Momo beams back and taps her drumsticks together.</p><p>Right then and there, as they play <em>Ice Cream </em>by <em>the Wombats, </em>Momo feels like she has it all.</p><p>--</p><p>Nayeon tells them about a party when they finish their gig.</p><p>“Joohyun’s hosting an end-of-the-semester party at her apartment,” she says as they put away their instruments. Bae Joohyun was one of Nayeon’s popular friends; she was beautiful and smart, and she was loaded. She was an upperclassmen who got to know Nayeon as they spent their time together on the student council, and of course they ended up friends because who could resist Im Nayeon?</p><p>Jeongyeon groans, hoisting her guitar case onto her shoulders, “It’s almost twelve in the morning. I want to sleep or finish the LEGO Death Star I was building, grandma.”</p><p>Nayeon hits her on the shoulder lightly, “Grandma? That’s rich coming from someone who’s sleepy at 12 AM.”</p><p>“Wow. A grandma who plays with legos.” Sana says teasingly, holding four beer cans and pretending to be amazed as she comes back from the bar.</p><p>Momo chortles and immediately covers her mouth to keep her laughter from escaping. Sana hands her a can and passes one to Nayeon and Jeongyeon. Sana laughs loudly, “Come on Jeong. The semesters done, we deserve to have fun.”</p><p>Jeongyeon rolls her eyes at her, opening her beer can as she speaks, “Yeah right. I see through you like a saran wrap, Minatozaki Sana.”</p><p>The girl in question looks at her innocently. “Oh, Jeongie, <em>whatever</em> do you mean?” Sana drawls, trying to imitate a female character in a drama that’s set in the 19th century. Momo and Nayeon break in to laughter.</p><p>“You just want to show your <em>girlfriend</em> off.” Jeongyeon says smugly, putting emphasis on the word girlfriend. It was her way of teasing them for finally being able to own up to what they were feeling. Jeongyeon might be being dramatic but the tension was torture to everyone who was with them, and she’s really glad at the development.</p><p>Sana scoffs, “Pfft. Of course I do.” She motions to Momo, as if she were showing off 24-karat gold, “I mean, look at <em>her.</em> She looks <em>so </em>good. And she’s hilarious, and smart, and kind, and really hardworking. You wish you had a girlfriend like her, I <em>am so </em>lucky.”</p><p>Sana stares at her like she couldn’t believe someone like Momo was standing in front of her.</p><p>“I think I’m much luckier, Satang.” Momo answers, grinning impishly.</p><p>“You do?” Sana coos, putting her drink aside before tackling her girlfriend into her arms. Momo whines and laughs at the same time, trying to push Sana off her but to no avail.</p><p>Jeongyeon fake gags, “Cheeseballs.” She turns to Nayeon and shakes her head, “You. I can’t believe you unleashed these two demons out into the world.”</p><p>Nayeons guffaws. “Don’t act like something has changed. They’ve always been like this.” She looks at her friends, unable to stop smiling softly. She thinks to herself, <em>Ah, that’s what love looks like.</em></p><p>Her short haired friend shrugs.</p><p>“Well, you’re right about that.”</p><p>They clink their beer cans together and take a sip of their drink as they watch Momo and Sana be in love.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>“Are you planning to see the others?” Nayeon asks Sana over breakfast the day after. Sana stops eating her food and looks at her plate, “I don’t know. I’m sure they’re angry at me for leaving.”</p><p>Nayeon shrugs, “Maybe. But not as angry as Momo.” She drinks her coffee and watches Sana carefully.</p><p>“They must hate me for it.” Sana mumbles, blinking back her tears.</p><p>“No they don’t. And are you sure you feel better?”</p><p>Her friend nods, “Yeah. Well, trying to, I guess.”</p><p>Nayeon gently puts her cup down on the table. “Sana, look at me.” She hears Sana exhale before she slowly looks up, Nayeon could see tears brimming in her eyes again.</p><p>“Look, they don’t hate you. I know that for a fact. I’m sure they just miss you, Sana.” Nayeon says softly.</p><p>She wipes her tears away and forces a smile, “If you say so, Nay.”</p><p>“If you’re ready to see them again, they have a concert on Wednesday. I can get you a backstage pass.”</p><p>Sana nods and smiles at Nayeon gratefully, “Okay. I’ll let you know.”</p><p>--</p><p>Come Monday morning and Sana indeed receives a call from Momo’s lawyer. She looks over the city below her as she strains to listen to what the lawyer was saying but nothing really registers, well, nothing except the word <em>divorce</em>. She hated hearing it, hated how final it made everything seem, hated how it made her heart break, how her knees begin to wobble at the sound of it.</p><p>She’s taken back to the last night she spent in Seoul before she up and left. She sees herself on couch, the lights in the apartment she used to share with Momo were off. She had her shoulders slumped as Momo hands her the divorce papers. She remembers how dead Momo’s eyes looked; no tears, nothing that could help indicate if she was heartbroken about things too, if it also hurt her. Seeing Momo’s stoic look, she strains her eyes away. She recalls how Momo just stood there, papers in her hand and just waiting for Sana to acknowledge her. The memory of herself just sitting there, staring straight ahead and trying to blink back the tears that threatened to spill as she refused to spare even just a glance at the dreaded documents.</p><p>
  <em>“I can’t do all of this anymore, Sana. I’m — I’m tired. I don’t have it in me to continue anymore.” Momo tells her, Sana wonders how Momo could manage to sound firm, how she could sound like this wasn’t a big deal at all, like she wasn’t breaking Sana’s heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What about the band?” Sana asks, there’s an evident crack in her voice. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I-I’ll still be in the band. I—”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But you’re tired, aren’t you?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I am. So fucking tired. Of everything.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Everything?” Sana asks, she looks at Momo sharply, “Everything? How come the only thing you’re giving up is me? Us? Why? Why does it have to be us? Is it that easy for you?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Momo stares back at her angrily, “You think this is easy for me? Fuck you, Sana. I loved you. I loved you so much.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Loved. Past tense, not happening in the present anymore. Loved. Meaning it was done, it was over. Sana’s heard a lot of things thrown at her, from the public, for the antis and detractors who just couldn’t seem to get a life. She’s heard them all, but all those words could never compare to how much pain the word loved brought to her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Loved.” Sana mutters simply with a low chuckle. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Momo groans in frustration. She puts her face in her free hand and shakes her head. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sana, please. Just let me go.” Momo pleads as she looks up at Sana, hand dropping to her side, and her lifeless gaze morphing into a tired one. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hearing that unleashed the tears that she was fighting so hard to stop from falling, because there it was, the confirmation that Momo was done. Done with her and everything that had anything to do with their relationship.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sana doesn’t speak, her tears already making it clear how she felt. Momo sighs and she puts the papers beside Sana. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Please just… sign the papers. I’ll come back tomorrow to get them.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re not sleeping here?” Sana manages to say. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No. I—I already moved my stuff back to the band’s penthouse.” Momo admits. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I see,” she replies lifelessly, the weight of everything already crushing her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Momo tells her before walking out of the apartment and shutting the door behind her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was then that Sana allows herself to break; alone and pitiful. She spends the night wallowing in her tears and how pathetic and heartbroken she felt. Sana curls into a ball and shuts her eyes that night, hoping to wake up and see that this was all just a terrible, terrible nightmare. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But it wasn’t. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She leaves in the wee hours of the night, never looking back.</em>
</p><p>“<em>Miss Minatozaki, are you still there?</em>”</p><p>Sana blinks, the lawyer’s question over the phone brought her back to present day reality.</p><p>“I, uh, yeah. I’m still here,” she stammers, drawing the curtains shut. She plops back down on her bed and tries to pay attention to the call.</p><p>“<em>Okay. May I know what your response is for the previous query?”</em></p><p>“What…?”</p><p>“<em>Miss Hirai wanted to ask if you have already signed the papers she gave you before.”</em></p><p>“No, I haven’t. I’m not signing it.”</p><p>“<em>Signing the papers would lessen the burden, Miss Minatozaki. It’ll make things easier and the two of you just have to show up in court once, to file for a divorce by agreement and all will be processed.”</em></p><p>Sana thinks back to her last night, she thinks back to how she was curled up in tears and she gets disappointed yet again at how easily she gave up.</p><p>Not anymore.</p><p>“I’m not signing it.” Sana replies resolutely.</p><p><em>“If that is the case, we want to know if you are free Wednesday, two weeks from now</em>?”</p><p>“Why, is she asking me on a date?” Sana mumbles lightheartedly, figuring that using weak attempts at humor to cope was a million times better than breaking down while she was in a call with a stranger. </p><p>The lawyer clears his throat, “She’s trying to schedule a court date, Miss.”</p><p>“Still a date.”</p><p>The attorney doesn’t respond.</p><p>
  <em>Oops.</em>
</p><p>Sana laughs softly, “I’m kidding. Um, two weeks from now?” She fishes out her planner from her unpacked suitcase and scans her schedule. “Yeah, I’m free.” Sana says, shutting the purple notebook close.</p><p>“<em>That is good to know. I will keep in touch. Have a pleasant day, Miss Minatozaki.” </em></p><p>“Thanks. You too, attorney.”</p><p>She ends the call and tosses her phone carelessly on the side of the bed.</p><p>Sana feels determined. And for the first time in two years, there was no hesitation; she was going to get Momo back.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo isn’t the only reason why she came back to South Korea. She came back to make amends with the other people she’s hurt as well. That was why she was standing behind the tents that sold band merchandise outside the Olympic Hall in her purple pullover hoodie waiting for Nayeon to show up and get her. She was growing uncomfortable and a little impatient because she’s been waiting outside for her for almost twenty minutes. Despite her going to the venue half an hour early for BDZ’s show, there was already a huge crowd of fans outside with her. That doesn’t surprise her though. The band was immensely popular despite the industry being dominated mostly by idols and pop groups. Sana’s scared that she might get recognized and end up ruining the show before it even started so she pulls her hood over her head and adjusts the dark sunglasses she has on and the mask she has over the lower half of her face. She’s about to text Nayeon for the nth time asking her where the hell she was when her phone rings.</p><p>“Nayeon, where are you?” Sana hisses. She hears a commotion on the other line and winces when she hears cymbals clanging and Nayeon’s phone thud on the floor.</p><p>“<em>Fuck. I can’t believe you’re all so hyped up already.” </em>Sana hears Nayeon say after picking the fallen phone up, her statement is followed by loud guffaws in the background. One voice sounding much more distinct than the others. Sana immediately recognizes whose laughter it was that stood out.</p><p>Sana huffs, tapping her toe as she waits for her friend to talk to her.</p><p>“Hey,” Nayeon finally says, the voices fading as she seemingly moves to a much quieter place to talk to Sana, “I’m sorry about that. They were excited.”</p><p>Sana laughs lightly, “Yeah. It’s okay. I know the feeling.” And for a moment, she’s taken back to one show they had before. They were at the peak of their career and it was their first show back in Seoul after holding their world tour. The show was sold out and they were all simultaneously nervous and excited to play. She remembers Momo telling her, “There’s always something magical about playing here.” Sana remembers agreeing with Momo, thinking that of all the places they’ve played at, Seoul will always have a special place in her heart. That show marked one of the happiest moments in Sana’s life because after the concert, Momo had proposed to her.</p><p>Sana shakes her head, erasing thoughts of the past for a moment.</p><p>“<em>Is it okay if I send Mina out to get you? I’m supposed to be in a call with the band’s publicist.</em>”</p><p>“Okay. Won’t Mina mind though?” Sana asks. She accidentally bumps into a stranger as Nayeon replies, “<em>No, of course not.</em>”</p><p>Sana bows and smiles apologetically at the person before responding to Nayeon, “Alright. Tell her to call me?”</p><p>“<em>Okay okay. I’ll see you later</em>.” Nayeon bids before ending the call.</p><p>A few second later, Sana receives another call. The number wasn’t saved but she figures it’s Mina’s so she answers on the second ring.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“<em>Hi, Sana,” </em>she hears Mina’s soft voice greet her, “<em>where are you? I’m outside the hall already.</em>”</p><p>She hears murmurs of a crowd, Sana figures Mina’s already walking around to look for her so she scans the quad for any distinguishable landmarks to make it easier for Mina to find her.</p><p>“Um, I’m behind the third merch tent…” Sana trails off as she spots Mina in a zip-up hoodie and a baseball cap, walking in her direction, looking around the area obviously searching for Sana.</p><p>“<em>Okay, wait. I’m almost there.” </em>Mina answers and ends the call.</p><p>Sana stands and waits for Mina to reach her.</p><p>“Psst…” Sana whisper-calls when Mina almost walks right past her. The girl looks around, black hair in a ponytail going along with her movements. Sana taps her on the shoulder, making Mina jump. She shrieks in shock when she spots a figure wrapped in a purple hoodie, face concealed by huge black sunglasses and a face mask, standing still and stoic.</p><p>If it weren’t for the person’s giggles, Mina would have not recognized her and she would have ran away.</p><p>“Sheesh, you scared me.” Mina sighs in relief, placing her hand on her heart, “You look like some kind of shady dude who sells drugs on the side.”</p><p>Sana laughs behind her face mask again before partly pulling it down, just enough to make sure Mina’ll hear her.</p><p>“I’m the prettiest the drug dealer in town, then.” Sana says with a snicker and Mina smiles fondly. The smile makes Sana feel <em>soft</em>, Mina was kind years ago and she’s happy to know that the girl hasn't changed.</p><p>"I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.” Sana states, an apologetic smile on her lips.</p><p>Mina grins, “Heh. Let’s go inside, fellow VIP?”</p><p>Sana nods and links her arms with Mina’s as they walk towards the VIP entrance. They walk among the throng of people, careful not to cause any suspicion or gain any unwanted attention. The two of them manage to reach the double doors without a hitch. Mina shows the guards their passes and they’re granted passage immediately.</p><p>“Are you nervous?” Mina asks her as they enter, tone laced with concern. Sana takes her glasses and face mask off, chucking them inside her small sling bag. She forces out a reassuring smile, trying to sound cheerful and giddy, “Nope.” The crack in her voice betrays her cheery façade, causing Mina to lift an eyebrow and stare at Sana disbelievingly. Sana exhales, she’s always been terrible at lying and Mina’s always too receptive to be deceived.</p><p>“Alright, fine. I’m nervous. Of course, I am. I left without a word, completely jeopardizing the band’s career.” Sana admits, the happy mask she’s put on completely dissolves and reveals the worries she’s been carrying ever since she’s decided to come and see her friends again.</p><p>Mina rubs her back gently, “They’re your friends. Give them a little credit, okay? You’ll be fine. And besides, if they ever chase you out of the arena, Nayeon and I will help you run.”</p><p>Sana pouts, “Not helping, Minari.”</p><p>Her friend laughs, “I’m kidding.”</p><p> They reach the VIP area, Mina pulling her towards the front, and Sana’s overwhelmed by the number of people already inside the venue. Her eyes wander around the expanse, drinking in the hype, the energy, the excitement. The feeling reminds her of their first concert, and the thought brings out an involuntary smile from her. Mina’s cellphone rings a few seconds later, she answers it as Sana admires the stage and bops her head along with the music coming from the speakers.</p><p>“Yeah, hon. We’re inside already,” she hears Mina say.</p><p>Sana figures she’s talking to Nayeon, so she stares at the stage and her mind wanders to the people who were going to be standing up there in just a few minutes. She imagines herself going up there with them, playing and working the crowd like they used to, as if they were invincible and infinite. For a time, Sana believed that they were. Before everything fell apart, she’d foolishly believed that nothing was going to ruin what they’ve built not knowing that she was going to be the one who would singlehandedly destroy everything.</p><p>She shuts her eyes, inwardly reprimanding herself to get a grip and get her shit together. She tells herself that crying and breaking down in front of the people she’s hurt wasn’t going to make them magically forgive her and that what she needed to do was earn their trust and friendship again.</p><p>Sana tries to compose herself but finds that she doesn’t have much time left because she sees Nayeon join her and Mina. She realizes that she must have been so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even notice Mina ending the call minutes before.</p><p>“Hello, stranger.” Nayeon greets. Surprise already worn off, Sana beams and pulls Nayeon in for a hug. Her friend hugs her back, squeezing her quickly before pulling away.</p><p>“This is already shaping up to be a really great show,” Sana comments, motioning to the crowd behind her.</p><p>Nayeon scoffs haughtily as she snakes her arm around Mina’s waist, “It always is.”</p><p>“The <em>ego. </em>Are you hearing her, Mina?” Sana says dramatically after hitting Nayeon on the shoulder teasingly. Mina’s voice is drowned out by the roar of the crowd as the lights begin to grow dim. They all turn their heads to the stage. Sana begins to feel a thousand elephants stampeding inside her stomach, her heart begins to beat faster, the excitement rushing through her veins, her muscles, her limbs. She was excited — a little bit scared admittedly, but she was excited. BDZ was incredible, her ex-bandmates were incredible performers and their songs were always so good. That one is not even coming from a place of bias, they’ve always written good songs, her favorites were the ones written by Momo; she always had a way with words, it pulled Sana in and made her want to sink and drown under Momo’s thoughts, made her want to be consumed by them. And just because she left didn’t mean it stopped, she’s listened to their new songs but had the one’s written by Momo on repeat for hours. It made her heart ache, but at least it helped ease the pain of missing her terribly. She felt less empty, less alone because listening to Momo’s songs made her feel like she back in Momo’s arms again, even if it was just pretend, even if she wakes up the next day and finds herself on a bed that feels so bare.</p><p>She hears a strum of a guitar, and steady kicks of the bass drum as the lights flash, Sana stares in anticipation.</p><p>The spotlight focuses on a girl, lean and tall, alone on a rising platform and she rips out the first chords of their song <em>Stripped</em>. The light illuminates her face perfectly and she looks like the second coming of Aphrodite, if the goddess had traded out her seven-string lyre for an electric guitar. She watches Tzuyu breeze through her part as the crowd grows wild. Sana’s ears pick up the name <em>Tzuyu </em>from the chants and screams from the ocean of people. Sana’s lips split into a smile before she screams Tzuyu’s name as well. The youngest member of the band has grown up quite well, Tzuyu still looked beautiful of course. However, her features have become more defined, eyes glinting with even more passion. Sana feels a sense of pride surging through her as she watches the youngest play.</p><p>The second spotlight falls onto the platform on the other end opposite where Tzuyu was standing on. There, Sana sees Jeongyeon, hair messy and fingers expertly moves along the strings of her bass guitar. It dawns on Sana again how she missed seeing Jeongyeon and wonders idly if the girl still takes the time to make treats for her dogs or if the girl still laughs like she’s running out of air to breathe. Sana joins the crowd in shouting her name, Nayeon and Mina beside her whooping and hollering as well.</p><p>Sana’s heart stops and the world seems to end again for her when she sees who the spotlight highlighted next.</p><p> It was Momo, the one she loved, the one she hurt.</p><p>The girl’s hair was a messy wave of black silky strands. She’s wearing a loose black muscle shirt exposing her arms and her muscles grow more prominent as she beats the drums skillfully, her eyes fueled with the fire of a thousand burning suns, and her lips settled on a haughty smirk. Sana’s breath hitches at the sight. There was always something about Momo being confident that was so <em>fucking attractive</em>. She was a different person on stage and off and god, did it fuck Sana up. In a good way, always a good way. It took Nayeon nudging her and laughing at her for Sana to realize that her mouth had seemed to be disconnected from her skull as it hung open while she had her eyes glued on Momo. Sana blushes, feeling like she was twenty again, world in her hands and Momo by her side.</p><p>An all too familiar voice breaks her trance.</p><p>“Good evening, Seoul! I know you know this song,” Jihyo shouts, grinning and voice cutting through the entire dome.</p><p>Oh, Sana knows this song alright. It was one of Momo’s; written with the image of Sana in one of her silk robes, leaning against the headboard, her hair wild and eyes looking deadly.</p><p><em>You know, you’re looking dangerous tonight, </em>Momo had told her, tone bordering on sexual frustration.</p><p><em>Pretty girls like you often tell me that, </em>she recalls herself saying with a cocky smirk.</p><p><em>You shouldn’t flirt with people easily like that, </em>Momo retorts, inching closer and closer to Sana.</p><p><em>You shouldn’t fall so easily with people like me then, </em>she hums.</p><p><em>Oh, I think it’s a little too late for that, </em>Momo whispers lowly before drawing Sana’s lips to hers.</p><p>Sana blinks the memory away and clears her throat. She was there to enjoy the first BDZ concerts she’s attended as part of the audience and apologize to her friends, not fantasize about her soon-to-be ex-wife who she’s trying to get back.</p><p>The crowd grows even wilder than they were just mere seconds ago. Jihyo runs her hands through her short, messy pink hair and grins like the devil as she sings the first line.</p><p>“<em>I want you on your knees when you look at me</em>,” Jihyo sings this with her voice dripping like liquid gold, “<em>Dress undone, stripped bare. I’ll show you something to believe in.”</em></p><p>The people sing along to every word Jihyo’s singing but all Sana could think about was the way Momo’s fingers felt against her skin and how it reminded her of the first sign of heat after a long winter.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana gets into the hype a few songs in that she doesn’t even realize that the concert’s been going on for almost two hours already. She used to wonder why people loved their band so much, she wonders what it was about them that made people like them, and support them. But there, in the middle of tens of thousands of people, she realizes why. The passion, the genuineness that seeps through their music; they loved what they were doing, and it draws people in. She feels so proud, her friends have come a long way.</p><p>That feeling of pride, however, vanishes when the band bids their farewell, telling them they were going to see them on the next tour. They take their bows center stage and walk to the left wing, waving to their fans with huge smiles on their faces as the horde of people scream their names.</p><p>Nayeon nudges Sana when the lights go up again.</p><p>“Hey, I’ll call you when it’s okay to go backstage, okay?” she says to Sana before heading to the backstage entrance, leaving Mina with a peck on the cheek. Sana nods, biting her lip as she watches Nayeon disappear behind the door. She could feel her knees shaking that she’s afraid they might buckle any time but she pushes through it anyway.</p><p>“They great, weren’t they?” Mina begins. Sana turns to face her and nods, plastering a smile. “They really were. Reminded me of how much I missed them though.” </p><p>Mina hums thoughtfully, “I’m pretty sure they missed you too.”</p><p>“I guess I’ll find out later.”</p><p>--</p><p>The concert was kind of a big deal for the band. After touring all over the world for the first half of the year, they circled back to their roots and played for Seoul. It was their first tour after their yearlong hiatus with just song releases but no tours or concerts. The members, Momo most especially, were in a rough patch and they’ve collectively decided to give themselves some sort of rest. They poured their heart and soul into this particular tour to tell Seoul that they were <em>back, </em>to remind themselves that they were strong, that they were okay, and that even if people leave, there was still music left to be played.</p><p>The set they performed was perfect. The sea of hands, the melody of the people shouting along to their songs were perfect reminders of why they loved performing so much. The connection, the camaraderie they had with the crowd was intoxicating, and by the end of the show, they were drunk with the hype and the energy.</p><p>Jeongyeon immediately pulls them all into a group hug as soon as they’re backstage. They were laughing, smiles frozen stiff on their faces so much that it was beginning to hurt.</p><p>“I fucking love you guys.” Jeongyeon tells them, bursting with affection.</p><p>“That’s so fucking embarrassing, Jeong. But I love you too.” Jihyo murmurs, unable to stop herself from tearing up a little. She feeling so proud; they did it. They made it through an entire tour without a hitch, and they did it so well that they forgot that they stopped performing for over a year. Momo echoes the sentiment, feeling grateful that the band has never left her side despite being the reason why they went on hiatus. She loves them to pieces and she will forever be thankful that she’s met them. Tzuyu doesn’t have to say anything else, the earnest smile she has on already speaks for itself.</p><p>“Tonight was just great.” Jihyo comments before gulping down a bottle of water. She hands her bandmates bottles as well. They all take a swig, trying to catch their breath in the process. Jihyo decides to check her phone, curious about what the people would be saying after their performance. She scrolls through her Twitter feed and almost spits out the water she’s been drinking. Her bandmates turn to look at her.</p><p><strong>STRIPPED SOTY </strong><em>@queenji </em>· 2h<br/>I SHIT YOU NOT SANA AT THE OLYMPIC HALL RN!!!!!!</p><p>“Are you okay?” Tzuyu asks. Jihyo doesn’t respond, she swallows water and begins to focus reading the tweets to check their credibility.</p><p><strong>BDZ OT4 </strong><em>@MOMOCHINE </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @queenji</em>                                                                                  <br/>lmao where are the receipts stop making ot5 happen it’s never gonna happen</p><p><strong>kelly</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @queenji</em><br/>CLOWN</p><p><strong>STRIPPED SOTY</strong> <em>@queenji </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod</em><br/>biTCHSDKLSKKLSKA I’M NOT CLOWNING SHE WAS WITH NAYEON AND MINA</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo scrolls through the rest of the thread and sees pictures of Sana outside the concert venue, with Mina, and pictures of her in the VIP area of the concert hall with Mina and Nayeon.</p><p><strong>kelly</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @queenji</em><br/>HOLY FUCKSAKLAKSLAKLKLDKSDKDF I’M SCREAMIN GGG</p><p><strong>jeong’s</strong> <em>@jeongbassgirl </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod @queenji</em><br/>NO SHIT I SAW HER TOO!!!! OT5 REUNION!!</p><p><strong>Leila </strong><em>@sananan </em>· 1h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod @queenji @jeongbassgirl</em><br/>omgggg sana!!! no one touch me im about to have a b r e ak d ow n</p><p> </p><p>“Ji, what’s wrong?” Momo asks her, stepping closer and putting a hand on her shoulder. Before she could get any sort of response out, Nayeon appears. Jihyo catches her eye and gives her a look. Nayeon immediately realizes what it was about.</p><p>“Sana’s here.” Nayeon states simply, deciding to save Jihyo the effort. The rest of the band looks at her, puzzled.</p><p>“She is?” Jeongyeon questions, brows furrowed. She turns her attention to Jihyo and asks, “Is that what you were looking at on your phone?”</p><p>Jihyo nods.</p><p>“Yeah. I saw lots of fans tweeting about it. Even saw pictures,” she admits, “shouldn’t we go, I don’t know, go see her?” Jihyo asks. Momo stiffens beside her, hand falling from Jihyo’s shoulder to her own side.</p><p>“Why should we?” Momo retorts, not even bothering to hide her irritation and annoyance.</p><p>“You don’t have to meet her, Mo. I’m sorry for not telling you guys beforehand.” Nayeon answers softly, feeling a little guilty for blindsiding her friends; Momo most especially. The girl narrows her eyes at her.</p><p>“You’re right, I don’t. You guys can go see her but I’m not going to be around for it.”  Momo replies in a biting tone before shoving past them and sauntering off probably to head home.</p><p>Nayeon sighs.</p><p>“Well, I don’t blame her.” Jeongyeon voices out with a shrug.</p><p>“Where’s Sana right now then?” Tzuyu asks, unsure.</p><p>“She’s with Mina.” Nayeon says as she stares at the band, actually a little scared that they might not want to see Sana, let alone talk to her, “Do you guys want to see her..?”</p><p>“Yeah. I actually want to.” Jihyo confesses, palms loosely balled into fists. The pink haired singer looks at her bandmates, she wishes they would say yes as well. Today was a good day and she wanted to end it with a little bit of forgiveness, Jihyo’s tired of endings and all things that hurt.</p><p>“Why the hell not, I guess. I missed her anyway.” Jeongyeon mumbles, no point in denying it; Sana was one of her dearest friends and the happiness and the relief she feels right now outweighs all the hurt she felt when she left them. This makes Jihyo grin widely. The older girl rolls her eyes, “What? You know I can’t lie.”</p><p>Jihyo looks at her with a teasing expression and reaches for her hand, “Yep. You’re a cheeseball, we’re well aware.”</p><p>Tzuyu laughs, nodding in agreement.</p><p>“Alright. I’ll call her in, then.” Nayeon says, unable to wipe off the huge smile on her face. The girls give her a thumbs up as Nayeon takes her phone out of her pocket and dials Sana’s number.</p><p>--</p><p>The stage was in the middle of getting tidied up — Momo’s drums were getting packed, and a stagehand carries off Jeongyeon’s bass guitar. The inside of the Olympic hall has fallen silent, much calmer than it was earlier. Sana busies herself conversing with Mina, asking her about wedding details; what the flowers they were going to use, what flavor the cake was going to be, and other things that could keep her mind off of the impending mess that was going to happen once Nayeon calls her.</p><p>She jumps in surprise when her phone vibrates in her pockets, startling Mina along with her. She apologizes quickly and answers the call.</p><p>“<em>Hey. You can come here now.” </em>Nayeon says and Sana feels her knees wobble again.</p><p>“O-Okay,” she manages to reply.</p><p>“<em>Great. Mina knows where we are. See you. And don’t chicken out.</em>” Nayeon tells her before ending the call.</p><p>“Your fiancée sure knows how to be encouraging,” Sana comments sarcastically. Mina just looks at her, amused.</p><p>“Come on. Let’s get you back to your friends.”</p><p>Mina extends her hand for Sana to hold, and pulls her along when she takes it. They pass by a few staff members as they make their way backstage, nodding at them politely as they move forward.</p><p>They hear faint chatter as they round the corner, four figures coming into view when they do. Sana deduces that Momo must have left before Nayeon called her. She sighs inwardly.</p><p>Nayeon must have heard their footsteps, or it was some sort of telepathic signal that goes off when Mina’s near, but whatever it was, she turns around and immediately zeroes in on them.</p><p>“Oh, finally. The guest of honors have arrived.” Nayeon announces, lips quirking up.</p><p>Mina laughs airily, “I think you mean: <em>guest </em>of honor.”</p><p>Sana tightens her grip on Mina’s hand as they draw nearer to them, mentally commanding herself to calm down and stop panicking. She keeps her eyes on the ground, focusing on remembering how to walk.</p><p>Nayeon’s arms immediately snake around Mina’s waist as soon as she steps beside her. Sana hides behind her.</p><p>There’s a brief wave of awkwardness that passes them but it dissipates when Nayeon nudges Sana forward. She feels her ex-bandmates stares boring into her when she steps up. She finally gains the courage to look at them, gulping when she sees Jihyo’s furrowed brows, Jeongyeon’s judging stare, and Tzuyu stoic expression.</p><p>“I, uh, Hi..?” Sana stammers, biting the inside of her cheek; kind of impressed that she was able to look at them head on despite the feeling of immense pressure and fear.</p><p>A beat of silence.</p><p>Nayeon and Mina watch the four of them in the middle of their staring contest, both of them looking amused.</p><p>Sana feels sweat beads forming on her forehead, and just when she begins cursing everything that’s good and holy, Jihyo cracks a smile.</p><p>“Gee, two years and all we get is a <em>hi</em>?” she says lightheartedly.</p><p>Sana can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.</p><p>“Right? I was expecting more words, Minatozaki.” Jeongyeon agrees, crossing her arms.</p><p>“Shut up. You guys are scary.” Sana whines, only half joking. That was probably one of the scariest moments in her life, hands down.</p><p>“What do you mean ‘scary’? I’m a cinnamon roll.” Tzuyu argues playfully.</p><p>“Of course you are, Tzuyu. I meant these two other jerks here.” Sana replies, eyeing the two girls in question mischievously. They laugh together, the sound of them fills Sana with an overwhelming wave of affection and gratefulness. And she realizes just how much she’s missed them. She looks at them, trying not to burst into tears, and pulls them into a crushing hug.</p><p>“I missed you guys so much. I’m so sorry for leaving. I —”</p><p>“We missed you too, jerk.” Jeongyeon mumbles, unable to stop herself from tearing up. Sana hurt them when she left, but she knows Sana would have never left if she didn’t absolutely have to so Jeongyeon chooses the path to forgiveness. Sana hears Jeongyeon’s voice cracking and it triggers the waterworks. She lets herself cry in the arms of the friends that she missed dearly.</p><p>“Please don’t leave again without telling us,” Tzuyu murmurs softly, tears prickling on the edge of her eyes.</p><p>“We’ll hunt you down, I swear to god,” Jihyo agrees, crying openly.</p><p>“Okay. I promise.” Sana says through her tears.</p><p>Something about it made Nayeon’s heart feel full and she realizes that she was also crying a little bit herself. Mina looks at her softly and nudges her forward. Nayeon comprehends what she meant and she smiles at her gratefully, kissing her softly before rushing to her friends.</p><p>“Stop hogging Sana and let me join in!” she whines.</p><p>They all laugh at her.</p><p>“Get in here, grandma.” Jeongyeon jokes, it was hard to take her seriously when she had snot running down her face anyway.</p><p>And in the arms of her friends, Sana almost feels whole.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>--</p><p>The lights in the penthouse were all off.</p><p>It’s been hours since the concert and Momo’s sitting on the plush carpet of their living room floor, fifth glass of whiskey on ice in her hand, and face illuminated only by the faint lights of the city outside their glass window. She’s not much of a drinker, never was actually. The alcohol tastes bitter and it burned more than it calmed but she figures it was better than feeling lonely and empty. She’s barely able to feel better about seeing <em>her</em> by accident last weekend so hearing that she was at the concert earlier was enough to send Momo running.</p><p>Her friends must have went to the after concert party their label was throwing for the band. They were obviously going to be late, and Sana was probably with them. The thought doesn’t sit well with her. She wasn’t angry at them for wanting to see Sana again, she was their friend and if they chose to forgive then good for them but Momo was different. Sana wasn’t just her friend, she was always something more; her ex-<em>everything</em>. And her leaving hurt Momo more than anyone thinks it did because she loved Sana with all she could and even if Momo was the one who wanted to end things between them, even if Momo was the one who gave up first, it didn’t mean that she stopped. She’s spent the last two years suppressing that, trying to convince everyone that she was okay, that she’s moved on, that she doesn’t love her anymore. It didn’t take her too long to realize that the one who needed to be convinced the most was herself and it her furious — at Sana and at herself.</p><p>Momo leans back on the seat of the couch and downs the rest of her drink, realizing that she’d been crying. She reaches over to grab the almost empty whiskey bottle from the glass table in front of her and pours the remaining contents into her glass, not caring if it spills or makes a mess. She sets the empty bottle aside before gulping down her drink, almost choking in the process. She coughs, pounding on her chest as she tries to breathe. Momo bursts into laughter, she’s drunk and lonely and hysterical and she almost choked to death by drinking alcohol. She continues laughing at herself, at how pathetic she must have looked. Her laughter slowly dissolves into tears and before she could even stop herself, she becomes a sobbing mess. Her mind was spinning and she was having a hard time breathing because of the sobs rising from her chest.</p><p>She was pathetic. And alone. Momo doesn’t want to feel this, she wants it gone. She puts the empty glass down, fumbles on the couch for her phone, and dials a number she hasn’t called in years.</p><p>The person picks up after the first ring.</p><p>“<em>Hello?”</em></p><p>Momo hears Sana’s voice and she feels her heart sink. <em>It’s been so long. </em>Simply hearing her say hello to the phone causes Momo to break as if she hasn’t heard her speak when they saw each other at the river. She hates this. She hates that she still misses Sana, she hates that there was still some part of her that was programmed to love her, she hates that Sana still has an effect on her. She <em>hates </em>it and she <em>wants </em>it <em>gone.</em></p><p>“<em>Hello? Who’s this?” </em>Sana asks again, voice unsure.</p><p>Momo continues to cry, shutting her eyes as she covers her mouth, trying her best to muffle the sounds coming from her mouth.</p><p>On the other line, Sana listens in. The line was quiet and empty, so she presses the phone closer to her ear. That’s when she hears hitched breathing and the faint sounds of muffled crying. Sana bites down on the inside of her cheek harshly, her heart twisting so hard that she feels her throat closing in.</p><p>“Momo?” she asks tenderly.</p><p>Momo sniffles and presses her palm against her eyes; she’s <em>weak, </em>Sana still has a hold on her, she still loves her, she still wants her.</p><p>“Sana,” she forces out, it was hard to form coherent speeches in the state that she was in.</p><p>“<em>W-What’s wrong?</em>” Sana questions, alarmed. Momo finds it hard to believe that Sana could still be concerned about her; she left Momo, she was gone for two years without any word, so how could she still sound like she’s worried about her?</p><p>“I missed you,” she blurts out tearfully, “the whole time you were gone, I missed you so much.”</p><p>It took two years for Momo to say it out loud, denial is one hell of a disease she figures. She hears a choke of breath on the other line.</p><p>“<em>Really?” </em>Sana murmurs, voice cracking like walls during an earthquake.</p><p>Momo swallows a sob, “Yeah. I did, Sana.”</p><p>“<em>You have no idea how much I missed you too, Momo.” </em></p><p>The conversation makes Momo’s head spin, she knows she isn’t thinking rationally but she can’t find it I her to stop herself.</p><p>“Where are you?” Momo asks hurriedly.</p><p>“<em>At the hotel I’m staying at. Why —”</em></p><p>“I want to see you.”</p><p>“<em>Okay.”</em></p><p>“Okay?”</p><p>“<em>Mm. I’ll text you</em>.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>--</p><p>Momo doesn’t know if it was the whiskey, the loneliness, the desperation, or the combination of the three but she just had to get out of the penthouse, she just had to see Sana.</p><p>She grips the steering wheel as she drives around the city, cruising down the road that lead to where Sana was and she wonders if she’s really that fucked up, running back to her soon-to-be ex-wife. She parks the car, pulls her hoodie up, and lets her feet take her inside the hotel; not caring if anyone recognized her, not caring if anyone saw what a mess she was. She knows she was going to get skewered alive by Nayeon and their publicist but right now, Momo could not give one single fuck.</p><p>Her head’s filled <em>Sana, Sana, Sana. </em></p><p>She takes the elevator all the way up to the 11th floor and she looks for the room number Sana had texted her. She spots Sana’s room and makes her way to it.</p><p>Momo knocks but then she hesitates, <em>what the fuck am I doing?</em></p><p>But before she could turn around and leave, before she could execute a last ditch effort not to give in to this moment of weakness, the door opens and reveals Sana.</p><p>“Mo,” she says softly, eyes molten chocolate, and looking at Momo’s tear streaked face with worry. She takes Sana in, her hair an ashy brown color, eyes tired but worried, lips pink. Seeing Sana in a white shirt too huge, too big to even be called a shirt, takes Momo back to the time when they were in love; they were in love, they had the world in their hands, and nothing hurt.</p><p>Momo doesn’t speak for a short minute; she stands there with tears still streaking down her face.</p><p>“Why did you leave?” she whispers, chest rising and falling as she tries to regain control of her breathing.</p><p>Sana bites her lip, brows furrowing. She wasn’t prepared for this; she wasn’t prepared to see Momo look so broken, so <em>miserable</em>.</p><p>“I left because I love you.”</p><p>“Fuck you, you don’t just leave the people you love behind. Who the fuck does that, Sana?” Momo lashes out at her angrily.</p><p>“I left because I love you and you were done with me,” Sana answers, stomach twisting meanly, “I left because I loved you enough to let you have your space,”</p><p>“Bullshit.” Momo bites sharply.</p><p>“You were done with me, Mo.” Sana says brokenly, looking at Momo desperately, “What was I supposed to do?”</p><p>Momo’s taken aback and the silence creeps around them.</p><p>Her chest heaves as she drops her gaze down to Sana’s mouth.</p><p>The world holds its breath, waiting.</p><p>Momo takes a step forward and curls a hand around the back Sana’s head. She leans forward and kisses her. The girl takes a second to react but she holds onto Momo’s waist, and kisses her back. She swears she could feel the both of them breaking.</p><p>It’s all Sana’s thought of in years, Momo; her lips on hers again, hands travelling down her body, making Sana feel like she was the only girl that mattered to her, using her mouth, her fingers to show Sana that she loves her.</p><p>Her tongue brushes Momo’s lower lip, and Momo kisses her back hot and open-mouthed, both of them craving for more.</p><p>Sana pulls Momo inside the room before she shuts and locks the door. She kisses her up against the solid wood, pressing her body against hers. Momo’s fingers curl around the locks of Sana’s hair, throat letting out light moan.</p><p>They stop kissing only to take their clothes off, removing the layers, the walls. Momo’s hoodie goes first, she haphazardly pulls it over her head and tosses it to the side before helping Sana with her shirt. Sana’s fingers fumble with the button of Momo’s jeans but manages to take it off quickly anyway. They draw their lips together again as Momo lets Sana pull her along towards the bed. Her spine thuds softly into the sheets as they fall together. Sana pulls away and straddles Momo’s hips before going completely still.</p><p>Momo looks up at Sana and finds her staring at her, eyes glistening with tears.</p><p>“Say you love me,” Sana says softly.</p><p>Momo bites her lip, she can see how important this was to Sana, like she doesn’t want to do this if Momo doesn’t.</p><p>“Say you love me,” she repeats, breath hitching.</p><p><em>Don’t do this to me, </em>Momo wants to say, <em>I love you but I can’t. I can’t say it because things will fall apart like they did before. </em>But she doesn’t, instead she pulls Sana down softly, kissing her lightly for one brief moment.</p><p>“Please, Momo.” Sana pleads, tears falling freely, some droplets land on Momo’s face.</p><p>“No.” Momo answers firmly, “I can’t, Sana.”</p><p>
  <em>I was done with this, with us. I can’t do this again.</em>
</p><p>Sana’s eyes close for a second, and she exhales. Momo readies herself, expecting Sana to get off her and make her go home. But she doesn’t.</p><p>“Okay,” she hears Sana say. The girl on top of her wipes away her tears, “it’s okay.”</p><p>Momo feels grateful.</p><p>She pulls Sana in again and kisses her. Sana kisses her back, the ferocity of her kisses gone and replaced by something softer, something much gentler.</p><p>It feels strange and painfully familiar. The impressions, the instincts, all of it were still there. As Sana’s hands roam her body, and as Sana’s lips claim hers, Momo is remembering all the things she’s forced herself to forget about, the way Sana’s fingers feel inside her, the way Sana moans. Momo drowns in the sensation, and finds herself asking Sana for more.</p><p>Sana obliges, and kisses Momo the way she used to, using it to tell her <em>I love you </em>over and over. And when Momo kisses her back, for a second Sana deludes herself into thinking that Momo’s saying it back.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo wakes up to the faint rays of sunlight peering through the window from the tiny spaces not covered by the curtains. She finds her pressed against Sana, limbs naked and entangled. She hastily pulls herself away and sits at the edge of the bed. The motion wakes Sana up, she stretches and pats the side of the bed where Momo was, looking for Momo in all obviousness. Sana sits up when her hands find the space empty. She looks over and sees Momo pulling on her hoodie over her head. Sana realizes what she was doing and feels her heart twist.</p><p>“Momo.”</p><p>The raven haired girl doesn’t even look at her. Instead, she continues dressing up, putting her underwear and pants back on.</p><p>“I shouldn’t be here.” Momo says rigidly.</p><p>Sana tries not to shed a tear, she swallows the lump in her throat and watches Momo.</p><p>“Was this a mistake?” she asks, the fight leaving her body.</p><p>Momo turns around and looks at her, stoic and unforgiving, “Yes, it was.”</p><p>Sana stays still, <em>of course it was. </em></p><p>“Okay,” Sana murmurs as she watches Momo shut the door behind her and leave.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Momo yanks her hood over her head as she stalks down the hotel hallway, annoyed at herself for not bringing anything to cover her face. She wonders how she could walk when her mind was spinning and her brain was pounding. She’s astonished at how she could be so cruel to Sana and thinks about how they’re falling apart — no, they already have and Momo just made it worse by running to Sana last night.</p><p>She feels her knees buckle and she almost falls over, luckily, she was able to lean on the wall. She knows she can’t drive like this, let alone go home. So she grabs her phone from her back pocket, ignores the missed calls from her bandmates, and quickly dials Jeongyeon’s number, fingers digging into her temple.</p><p><em>“Momo, where the hell are you?” </em>Momo hears Jeongyeon sigh in relief.</p><p>“Jeong, I did something stupid,” she says breathlessly.</p><p>“<em>What? What do you mean?” </em>Jeongyeon replies in a panicked tone. Momo shuts her eyes, doing her best not to puke on the floor of the Four Seasons.</p><p>“I just. Fuck. Pick me up, Jeong. Please. I can’t drive like this.”</p><p>“<em>Jesus, Mo. Where are you?”                                                                                                                                                      </em></p><p>“At the Four Seasons.” Momo answers, words slurring more than she liked. <em>At the Four Seasons, where Sana is staying. At the Four Seasons, making things much worse than they already were.</em></p><p>“<em>Four Seasons? What the hell are yo </em><em>—” </em>Jeongyeon stops, the realization hitting her square on the face. “—<em>oh. Damn it. I’m on my way.”</em></p><p>--</p><p>“This looks familiar.” Jeongyeon notes when she arrives and sees Momo sitting on the floor, head between her arms. Her best friend looks up, eyes looking tired and bloodshot.</p><p>“Please don’t be mean to me, I have a headache.” Momo whines, lips on a pout.</p><p>“You wound me. I’m never mean.” Jeongyeon chuckles, extending her hand. Momo gladly takes it, grateful for the arrival of support, and gets off the floor. She stumbles a little but thankfully Jeongyeon’s holding her tight so she does not fall.</p><p>“Lies.” Momo retorts, half-praying she won’t vomit and half-praying Jeongyeon won’t bring up the giant elephant in the room.</p><p>“So,” Jeongyeon begins as they walk to the elevator and Momo kicks herself inwardly for jinxing it, “mind telling what the hell happened last night?”</p><p>“Nope.” Momo says, voice firm and lips pursed.</p><p>Jeongyeon sighs, looking at Momo seriously before she presses the G on the elevator, “Momo.”</p><p>Momo rolls her eyes and instantly regrets it because it made her feel woozy even more, relenting. She knows she doesn’t stand a chance at lying to Jeongyeon because based on last night’s events, apparently she’s a terrible liar.</p><p>“Fine,” she sighs, “I slept with Sana.”                                                                                         </p><p>Jeongyeon pinches the bridge of her nose, “Momo, oh my god.”</p><p>“I called her and when I got here, it, uh, it just happened. I don’t know what came over me,” she says. This makes Jeongyeon shoot her an incredulous look before they’re interrupted by the ding of the elevator arriving.</p><p>“What do you mean it <em>just happened. </em>You <em>called </em>her, you <em>drove </em>here. That doesn’t <em>just happen</em>, Momo. You deliberately decided to make things worse.” Jeongyeon hisses, frustrated.</p><p>“I<em> know</em>, Jeongyeon. I am well aware of how much I fucked up, okay? I don’t need you rubbing it in my face even more.” Momo fires back sharply, tears forming in her eyes.</p><p>Jeongyeon shakes her head and doesn’t speak, she looks away from Momo and stares at their reflection on the shiny elevator doors. The raven haired girl beside her shuts her eyes and breathes in and out.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’m — I’m sorry, Jeong. I just —”</p><p>“It’s fine, Mo. I know you’re probably feeling terrible about it, I’m sorry.” Jeongyeon tells her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.</p><p>“I am. God, Jeong. I was drunk and overwhelmed and alone, and Sana… God, she was <em>there. </em>She was <em>back, </em>I could touch her, I could feel her, and I could kiss her. I <em>wanted </em>her, I know I shouldn’t anymore, but I did. I wanted her terribly.” Momo says in a rush of words, voice pained and anguished.</p><p>“Mo,” Jeongyeon says softly.</p><p>Momo shakes her head.</p><p>“Fuck. I loved her, Jeongyeon. For six years I didn’t love anyone so much except her. Six years of my life with her — that’s something I can’t just forget.” Momo shuts her eyes again, aware of the tears trickling down her cheeks.</p><p>“I know.”  Jeongyeon murmurs, pulling her friend into a hug. Momo hugs her back, burying her face in her shoulder, allowing herself to break in Jeongyeon’s arms; Jeongyeon was safe, Jeongyeon understands.</p><p>“Please don’t tell the others about this.” Momo mumbles into Jeongyeon’s shirt.</p><p>“Okay. And you’re lucky we’re on a break right now or Nayeon will have your head,” Jeongyeon says lightheartedly. Momo laughs a little, thankful for the small distraction.</p><p>“Thanks, Jeong.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’re also lucky to have me,” she replies, giving Momo a smug small after pulling away. Momo wipes her tears away and smiles back. The elevator doors slide open and Jeongyeon pulls her along, “Let’s get you home, dumbass.”</p><p>--</p><p>Sana doesn’t move for a long while after Momo leaves. She spends that time curled into a ball, the duvet wrapped around her feeling more like a straitjacket than a source of comfort as she wonders why she makes very terrible decisions.</p><p>
  <em>You’re Sana and you make very bad choices. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You’re Sana and you’re weak.</em>
</p><p>She closes her eyes and tries to ignore the searing pain of regret and misery gnawing on her insides but some things are just way too painful to bear. Before she could stop it, the familiar sting in her eyes turns to tears. <em>Pathetic, </em>she thinks. Ever since she left Seoul, she feels like she’s never known happiness, like she hasn’t done anything but cry.</p><p>The tears, the feeling of regret and frustration, the sadness — it’s all so familiar.</p><p>
  <em>Sorry, Sana-from-two-years-ago, you’re still pathetic.</em>
</p><p>The buzzing of her phone from the bedside table breaks her train of thought. Sana groans and wraps the duvet around her tighter, thinking that if she squeezes it tight enough it’d swallow her whole. But that doesn’t happen, nor does the incessant buzzing of her phone stop. She finally decides to get up and puts on last night’s shirt before reaching for the device.</p><p>She answers it, not bothering to look at who was calling.</p><p>“He—”</p><p>“<em>Sana, get up and let’s have lunch.” </em>It was Jihyo, her voice perky despite the hoarseness from yesterday’s concert.</p><p>Sana groans, sinking back into the covers, “Sana’s not here. This is a prerecorded message.” </p><p>“<em>How convincing.” </em>Jihyo says sarcastically, “<em>Seriously though, have lunch with us.”</em></p><p>Sana debates on going or not, for all she knows she has two options for the day: a) she could mope and cry about Momo again for the millionth time and wallow in the pit of despair she’s created, or b) she could go to lunch with her friends and distract herself from the fact that she just got her heartbroken by the same girl two years apart. She decides that the second option was a thousand times much better than the first one, she needs to give her eyes a break after all.</p><p>“Fine,” Sana answers with a huff, getting off the bed. “Geez, Ji. It hasn’t even been 24 hours and you already can’t get enough of me,” she adds with a laugh, as if she wasn’t openly weeping before Jihyo called. She figures it was easier to lie through the phone, the other person won’t see any indication of a lie, nothing to rely on but the liar’s voice.</p><p>“Don’t flatter yourself too much, Minatozaki.” Jihyo scoffs, “I’ll see you in a bit?”</p><p>“Alright. See you.”</p><p>Sana ends the call with a sigh and makes her way to the bathroom. She turns the shower on, sits under the stream of water and hugs her knees. Her mind’s back on Momo again, she thinks back to the events of the previous night, she thinks about the way Momo touched her, the way she kissed her, the way Momo still knew how to make her feel good. Sana bows her head against her knees and cries, the resolve she’s gathered during her time alone in Japan already washed off.</p><p>She figures she can have one more Momo related breakdown before she pretends she’s okay again.</p><p>-- </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>“At the airport!” Sana exclaims all of a sudden, jumping up Momo’s bed in excitement. They were in Momo’s bedroom at her childhood home in Japan. She and her family go home to Japan for Christmas every year. And Sana, with the help of her ceaseless pleading and begging from her parents, tagged along with them for winter break. It was their first winter as a <em>couple, </em>and as cheesy as it was, it made Sana’s heart tingle.</p><p>The two of them were supposed to be helping Momo’s mom sort through old family photos for some scrapbook she was going to make but Sana kept getting distracted by Momo’s baby pictures.</p><p>Momo looks up from the stack of photos on her lap and stares at Sana with a puzzled expression, “What?”</p><p>Sana giggles and plops down next to her girlfriend. “Look, you’re at the airport,” she says, showing Momo a picture of her 16 year old self and her sister Hana, who was 18 years old at that time. And sure enough, they were at the Kansai International airport. The two of them bore goofy smiles, and Momo finds herself grinning. She remembers it clearly; that was the day they left for South Korea. She remembers being nervous and excited at the same time, it was a new place, a fresh start. Sixteen year old Momo was full of hopes and dreams and excitement. She smiles fondly, but turns to look at her grinning girlfriend in confusion.</p><p>“Yes, and?”</p><p>“April 13, 2012.” Sana replies with a smile.</p><p>“Yeah, Sana. The day we moved to Seoul. What about it?” she asks, even more puzzled.</p><p>“I was there, Mo. We moved to Seoul that day too.” Sana tells her, smile still in place.</p><p>Momo’s eyes widen at the revelation, “Really?”</p><p>Her girlfriend giggles and nods, “Really!” Sana gives her a loud kiss on the cheek before laying down, “Gosh. I knew I saw you from somewhere before! Soulmates, I tell you.” she continues wistfully.</p><p>Momo laughs, setting aside the stack of pictures before lying beside Sana, “And here I thought it was a pick up line.”</p><p>“Shut up.” Sana says with a chuckle. She turns to face Momo, eyes soft and full of adoration, “Funny how the world works.”</p><p>Momo stares back at Sana and thinks about destiny again, about how she and Sana have crossed paths before and how they ended up in each other’s lives after all those years. She finds herself smiling crookedly, “Really funny indeed.”</p><p>Sana smiles softly, “I love you.”</p><p>Momo feels like her heart was going to burst; Sana’s with her, and she loves her. She wonders if she was a very good person in her past life for her to luck out like this. <em>I can’t imagine life without you, I’m the luckiest girl in the world, please don’t leave, </em>she wants to say.</p><p>Instead she says, “I love you too.”</p><p>She leans forward and cups Sana’s cheek. Momo kisses her with all the love she feels and hopes Sana understands.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Momo and Jeongyeon arrive at an empty penthouse. Jeongyeon heads to the kitchen for a glass of water and sees a sticky note with <em>Went out for lunch </em>written in Nayeon’s scrawl on the fridge while Momo heads to her to wash up and change into something cleaner.</p><p>“Well, they went out for lunch,” she mumbles as Momo steps out of the room.</p><p>Momo goes to her and takes a glass for herself, her throat was dry so she was eager to remedy it with ice cold water. “I can’t believe they’re already out and about at 11 in the morning. Didn’t you guys go to the after party?” she asks after drinking.</p><p>“We did but we didn’t drink that much.” Jeongyeon says nonchalantly, leaning on the kitchen island.</p><p>“Somehow, I find that hard to believe,” Momo comments snidely. Jeongyeon gives her a playful nudge, “Whatever. I’m sure we didn’t get as drunk as you were.”</p><p>Momo stiffens, “Please don’t.”</p><p>Jeongyeon sighs in surrender, “Sorry. Do you want to go out and eat lunch too?”</p><p>Her friend nods, grateful that Jeongyeon dropped the topic immediately, “Sure, why not. My head won’t stop spinning but I’m hungry anyway.” Momo thinks she needs a distraction, something to make her forget what she’d done.</p><p>“Tell me where to go then.” Jeongyeon says with a small grin, grabbing her car keys from the kitchen counter before making her way to the door with Momo trailing behind.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana steps out of the cab and heads inside the brunch place Jihyo told her to go to. It was quaint and intimate, the kind of place you go to eat if you don’t want to be bothered by people, which makes it perfect for celebrities like them. Sana enters, the smell of food immediately greeting her nostrils makes her smile. She immediately spots Jihyo’s pink hair at the far left corner of the bistro, she also sees Nayeon, Mina, and Tzuyu; the four of them talking animatedly. She makes her way to their table, tapping Jihyo shoulder when she reaches them.</p><p>“Hey,” she greets, taking the empty seat beside Jihyo.</p><p>“Finally. What took you so long?” Nayeon asks, handing her a menu.</p><p>
  <em>Oh, I just spent an hour and a half crying in the shower before actually taking a bath and getting ready.</em>
</p><p>“I fell asleep again,” she replies nonchalantly, lying through her teeth like it was second nature to her as she takes the menu from Nayeon’s hands.</p><p>Tzuyu eyes her for a brief moment, if she catches on to the lie, she doesn’t show it because she looks away and picks on her bagel. Sana continues scanning the menu, eager for a tasty… <em>distraction.</em></p><p>“I buy it, you look tired. What did you even do last night?” Jihyo questions, her eyes probing. Sana raises both her hands in surrender, “What? I just stayed up watching dramas.”</p><p>“Uh-huh…” Tzuyu says slowly. Sana looks at her, wide-eyed and innocent, “Hm?” This makes Tzuyu sneer at her briefly, but the youngest drops it and shrugs, “Nothing. You should try the shrimp scampi here. It’s the best.”</p><p>Sana gives her a big smile, “I will. Thanks, Tzuyu.”</p><p>Nayeon, Mina, and Jihyo sit there, a little confused by the exchange but the both of them decide not to meddle with whatever it was. Sana calls the waiter, orders the scampi along with red iced tea, and sits contentedly while she waited.</p><p>“So, Nayeon, Mina. You guys are getting married next week, how’re you feeling?” Jihyo questions with a smile.</p><p>The oldest girl smiles sheepishly, a rare kind of smile from the ever so confident Im Nayeon, “Ah crap. It’s the only thing I could think about since last night.” Nayeon turns to look at Mina, “It’s crazy, right?” Her fiancée just smiles, amused at her.</p><p>Jihyo scoffs playfully, “Only a little. But I’m really happy for you, Nay. You’ve been taking care of us for years, I’m glad someone can finally take care of you for a change.”</p><p>Nayeon’s gaze softens, she’s touched by the sentiment. She and the band usually rag on each other to no end without a problem, but when they say things like this, Nayeon realizes how much they loved each other.</p><p>“Thanks, Ji. But in all honesty, I’m really nervous. I mean I’m getting married! To Mina!” Nayeon exclaims, waving her hands in front of Mina as if she were showing her off, “ She’s gonna be fine because she’s amazing but what about me? I have no idea how to do this, who am I gonna run to when I need advice?” Nayeon blurts out, suddenly panicking. The four girls around her laugh, amused.</p><p>“You’re right. You certainly can’t run to me or Sana,” a voice creeps from behind. They all turn to the direction of the voice, all except Sana, she knows that voice very well. They see Momo and Jeongyeon dressed in sweats. Sana remains stiff in her seat.</p><p>“What are you two losers doing here?” Nayeon says teasingly.</p><p>“We decided to go out for lunch. Didn’t know you guys would be here though.” Jeongyeon replies with a smirk.</p><p>“We can leave.” Momo mutters, trying to ignore the fact that she was in close proximity to Sana.</p><p>“Oh, yeah.” Jeongyeon says, realization hitting her for the second time today.</p><p>“Why? Am I making you uncomfortable?” Sana inserts snidely, finally turning around to face Momo. The girl looks taken aback. She was clearly not expecting Sana to dare to look her straight in the eye with that casual expression on her face, as if last night didn’t hurt.</p><p>Momo feels anger spread through her veins, but she contains it because she knows she has no right to be angry; it was her fault, she gave in and ran back to Sana. She takes a deep breath and fakes nonchalance, “Of course not, Sana. Why would you ever make me feel uncomfortable?”</p><p>Sana shrugs, <em>two can play at that game, </em>“No reason. You just look uncomfortable, that’s all.”</p><p>Their friends watch them, scared at what might happen. They don’t realize that they’ve been holding their breaths until Momo lets out a sarcastic laugh, “Sorry for that then.”</p><p>Nayeon looks at them, brows furrowed in confusion, eyes screaming <em>what the hell just happened</em>. Jeongyeon clears her throat, “Well, I guess we’re staying.” She takes the seat beside Sana while Momo takes the space beside Tzuyu making her sit right across Sana. The two of them try not to look at each other as the lunch progresses, but every now then one of their friends notice either one of them stealing glances at the other.</p><p>When they land on the topic of Mina and Nayeon’s upcoming marriage again, she reiterates how she’s nervous. Sana laughs, “You’ll do fine, Nayeon. Love and communication will go a long way.”</p><p>There’s a beat of silence, ominous and foreboding. The kind you hear before disaster strikes, the kind that envelopes an entire expanse before a bomb goes off.</p><p>And Momo and Sana were ticking time bombs. The explosion starts when Momo scoffs at the side, “Yeah right. That’s why our marriage <em>isn’t </em>in shambles. Sometimes love and communication isn’t enough.”</p><p>Sana freezes, laughter dying on her lips as soon as Momo spoke. She chews on her lip, it was only way that could stop her from crying yet again. She inhales, regaining control of herself.</p><p>“Sometimes it is, Mo. Mina and Nayeon aren’t us,” she says defiantly. This starts off the second explosion, everyone else and their mother can hear the shrapnel shred through debris; loud, unstoppable, and terrifying.</p><p>“Things end, Sana.” Momo fires back sharply, not backing down, ignoring the pull in her heartstrings when Sana call her <em>Mo.</em></p><p>“Not if I can help it,” Sana replies, staring at Momo with her jaw clenched. Sana’s fingers curl into fists around her loose fitting jeans, desperate to not lose what little control she has over herself left.</p><p>Momo laughs, loud and sarcastic and bitter, the anger bubbling up again, “Oh, is that why you wouldn’t sign the divorce papers? Because you think you can prevent this marriage from ending? Are you fucking kidding me? And what do you mean Mina and Nayeon aren’t us? Didn’t Mina leave Nayeon hanging years ago just like you did?”</p><p>“Momo, that’s enough.” Nayeon hisses, glaring at the girl in question as she clenches her fists; they all knew Momo had crossed the line. Mina puts a hand on Nayeon’s knees, patting it gently. It calms Nayeon down immediately but she doesn’t break her rock hard stare on Momo.</p><p>The table falls silent, the waiters in the bistro awkwardly pretend they didn’t hear anything, and the handful of other customers do the same by pretending to be overtly interested in the menus.</p><p>Sana sits there, eyes locked on Momo, she’s afraid that the tears would spill if she blinks.</p><p>“Whatever. This was a mistake,” Momo scoffs before getting up. All of them, except Sana, watch her as she leaves the bistro.</p><p>Sana could feel all their eyes on her, but she can’t handle being pitied. She wanted a distraction and she was still keen on getting that so she speaks before any of her friends do, “Well, weren’t we talking about these two getting married?”</p><p>Her friends awkwardly exchange looks, Jeongyeon clears her throat, “Um, yeah. I, uh, I can’t believe Mina’s marrying <em>you, </em>Im. Congratulations to you but best of luck to her.”</p><p>“Thanks, Jeong. I think I’ll need all the luck I can get,” Mina jokes as well, rubbing Nayeon’s back gently. Nayeon gives her a small smile, thankful and adoring.</p><p>Tzuyu laughs and Jihyo follows her. And just like that, the tension, albeit temporarily, disappears.</p><p>Sana catches the Tzuyu’s eyes. “Thank you,” she mouths. The youngest gives her a small nod, warm smile on her face, reminding Sana that things will be okay.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo knows Nayeon wasn’t going to let get away with her outburst earlier, she knows she was going to get scolded and get lectured. But as of the moment, she couldn’t bring herself to care because she was preoccupied with covering her face before people saw her crying in broad daylight. The last thing she needed was another media fiasco involving her, she’s had enough of those to last a lifetime.</p><p>She doesn’t realize how far she’s walked until she finds herself outside their apartment building. She doesn’t have time to be impressed because she spots a few paparazzi men lurking behind some trees. Momo rolls her eyes and rushes inside. She hurries to the penthouse and locks herself in her room. There, she finally has time to reflect on what she did.</p><p>She holds her head in her hands and burst into tears. She’s a terrible person, she ended up hurting Nayeon, the person who was there for her when she crashed and burned, and Mina, one of the kindest people she was friends with. She shouldn’t have done that, she crossed the line just because too wrapped up in her own personal problems with Sana. This was why she couldn’t let her in again, this was why she needed to be free from Sana. She becomes too uncontrollable, feels too many emotions when it came to Sana.   And she can’t afford that, she can’t afford to lose herself in the jumble of everything. Momo can’t fall apart again, no, she’s spent so much time repairing the part of herself that was slowly chipping away even before this whole mess with Sana had started.</p><p>She lets herself fall sideways onto the floor, and cries herself to sleep.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo wakes up hours later to the sound of soft buzzing coming from the television in the living room. She sits up and rubs the sleep away from her eyes, wincing as she feels the soreness of her limbs.</p><p>She was a mess.</p><p>To add to that, she hears her stomach grumble. <em>Great.</em></p><p>Momo gets up and makes her way to the door, stopping abruptly, unsure if she was ready to face the wrath of Nayeon. She leans on the door, pressing her forehead against the wood, hand hovering over the doorknob. With a shaky breath, she decides to twist the knob open and step out. She prepares herself for the lecture and the frustrated rants of the great Im Nayeon as she makes her way to the living room, but she’s greeted by Mina’s silence. The girl was in her pajamas, legs crossed, and busy eating some kind of salad as she watches whatever it was on TV.</p><p>Momo stops in her tracks, hesitant. Mina notices her before she could do anything else.</p><p>“Hi, Momo. Are you hungry?” Mina asks, voice soft and calm. Momo wonders how she does it as she slowly nods her head yes. Mina gives her a small smile and continues, “Okay. The girls went out to buy food half an hour ago, I’m sure they’ll be back anytime soon.”</p><p>“W-Why are you here?” Momo probes cautiously.</p><p>Mina lights up in understanding, “Oh! Nayeon wants to stay here tonight.”</p><p>Momo nods, “Okay. Um, Mina.”</p><p>“Hm?” Mina responds, patting the space beside her on the couch, “Also why are you standing there? Are you scared of me or something?” Hearing Mina laugh softly makes Momo feel a little better, a little less scared. She moves towards the couch and sits beside Mina.</p><p>“I’m sorry. For earlier. I-I was out of line,” Momo says ruefully, looking at Mina with regret, “I’m really sorry.”</p><p>Mina gives her a reassuring smile, putting a hand on her shoulder, “It’s okay. I understand what you were feeling. You and Sana have so much history, and I understand why you blew up the way you did.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Momo says, head hung, “She up and left me, and I had to pick up the pieces that got destroyed in her absence. It took me so long to get used to her being gone, Mitang. And now that she’s back, I feel like I’m losing the progress I made.”</p><p>“Progress isn’t linear, Mo. It’s normal to relapse and falter. You’ll get there.”</p><p>“What does it feel like, Mina? Leaving, I mean. What does it feel like? Because getting left already so painful, I want to know what it feel like to leave.”</p><p>Mina drops her arm, and looks at Momo with a certain sadness in her eyes, “There’s always two sides to every story. Getting left is terrible, horrid, but leaving? Leaving is as terrible if the ones you’re leaving behind are the ones you love the most.”</p><p>Momo stays silent.</p><p>“Leaving has its own kind of pain, Momo.” Mina says solemnly.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Nayeon meets Mina on her third year in college. Unlike Momo and Sana, they don’t <em>click </em>immediately. They didn’t start off already head over heels in love with each other, in fact, Mina didn’t really like Nayeon that much and the girl wasn’t afraid to show it.</p><p>Nayeon had just finished the first set of the night’s gig when she spots her at a table with Joohyun and her girlfriend, Seulgi. There was nothing new about Joohyun and Seulgi visiting 21:29, like most students, they loved it there. What was odd was that there was a new girl who was eating fries as she listened intently to whatever Seulgi was saying. Mysterious and elegant, dark ebony hair in a low ponytail, soft waves spiraling down her back, she easily catches Nayeon’s eye.</p><p>There was something about the way she sat, the way she smiled that made Nayeon immediately feel drawn to her. Joohyun must have noticed her staring because she looks up and immediately waves her over. Nayeon gives her a smile and makes her way to their table.</p><p>“Hey, Nay. You sounded good earlier.” Joohyun remarks, proud smile on her face. Nayeon laughs, “Pfft. Of course, since when did I ever sound bad, Hyun?” Joohyun rolls her eyes and Nayeon could swear she see the new girl look at her in disdain but she quickly masks it before Nayeon could say anything about it.</p><p>“As usual, the ego is up there,” Joohyun replies airily, waving her hand dismissively at her friend. Nayeon laughs again before diverting her attention to the other girls on the table.</p><p>“Hey, Seul. Nice to see you here again. And uh, who is this?” she asks when she lands her eyes on the unfamiliar girl. The girl looks back at her and Nayeon feels like she got hit by a ton of red bricks, “I’m Mina.”</p><p>She swallows the nerves— she wonders why those nerves were present in the first place—, and extends a hand forward, “Hi. I’m Nayeon.”</p><p>Mina, even in ire, still retains a little bit of her politeness and decency, tentatively shaking Nayeon’s hand. Nayeon feels like a bolt of lightning shot through her, heart pounding for some reason; it was all so unfamiliar. Nayeon doesn’t realize that she’s still holding Mina’s hand until the girl clears her throat.</p><p>Nayeon blinks, pulled back to reality.</p><p>“Oh, uh, nice to meet you! I work here, singing for the customers with my band,” she says with a shy smile.</p><p>“I know, I heard.” Mina replies in a surprisingly annoyed tone. Nayeon’s taken aback by the snippy attitude, not used to people being crabby when they meet her. For a moment she pauses to think about what to do next, but ultimately she decides to put on her usual cheerful face, knowing what a lost cause looks like, “Well, uh, I hope you guys enjoy the set.” Nayeon tells them, giving Joohyun and Seulgi a smile, “I’ll see you guys later,” she adds, giving a small nod in Mina’s direction.</p><p>She waves them goodbye and rushes back to where her friends were, trying to save herself from the awkward first meeting.</p><p>“What’s wrong with you?” Jeongyeon asks her, weirded out about how breathless Nayeon was when she reaches her.</p><p>“I just saw the most beautiful girl in existence,” she says, trying to catch her breath, “But I think she hates me.” Nayeon sits beside Jeongyeon and reaches for a water bottle to drink from.</p><p>“Someone hating you? There’s a shocker.”Jeongyeon replies sarcastically, earning her a playful shove from the older girl.</p><p>“Jeong, I’m serious. She’s beautiful, but she seems… <em>snippy,</em>” she mumbles, eyes trailing to where Mina was again. “Who?” Jeongyeon asks, following her line of sight and sees Mina, “Myoui Mina? She’s one of the nicest girls I’ve met! And I can’t believe you don’t know her, you’re the popular one.”</p><p>Nayeon rolls her eyes, “What’s got to do with anything? I don’t see her around campus.”</p><p>“I don’t know? Doesn’t popularity equate to knowing a lot of people. And of course you don’t see her around, she goes to school with Seulgi.”</p><p>“Joohyun’s Seulgi? She goes to KNUA as well?” Nayeon questions, still staring.</p><p>Jeongyeon nods, looking away from the girls, “Yeah, she’s still a freshman though. Training to be a professional ballerina or something.”</p><p>Nayeon shoots her friend a look, incredulous and unbelieving, “How do you know all this?”</p><p>“She’s Jihyo’s friend, so I may have met her once or twice,” Jeongyeon replies casually, standing up when she sees Momo and Sana wave them over. Nayeon looks and feels more confused than ever, “What? Who’s Jihyo?”</p><p>“Jihyo’s my friend, <em>mom</em>.” Jeongyeon says, emphasizing the word mom with her usual teasing tone, this makes Nayeon roll her eyes, “Another freshman. From my department, we’re in three classes together for some reason.” Jeongyeon finishes, setting the record straight before she saunters off to where Sana and Momo were. Nayeon just stares after her, still a little bit shocked and confused.</p><p>Once the confusion wore off, she finds herself trailing her eyes off to where the snippy girl was, still boggled as to why Mina was a little bit rude to her if she’s supposedly nice as Jeongyeon said she was.</p><p> For a second Mina looks back at her and they lock eyes with each other. The girl immediately averts her eyes and pretends to be interested in the plate of fries in front of her.</p><p>
  <em>Myoui Mina, you’re already shaping up to be something else.</em>
</p><p>Nayeon smirks, shaking her head before she goes to her friends.</p><p>--</p><p>Mina and Nayeon don’t talk to each other again for a few months.</p><p>Sure, Nayeon sees her at 21:29 from time to time with her usual group of friends but they don’t talk save for a few brief exchange of hellos. That wasn’t for the lack of trying on Nayeon’s part though. At first it was because it didn’t sit well with her that someone out there was holding some sort of weird grudge against her even if she hasn’t done anything wrong. But as the weeks go by, Nayeon finds herself wanting to get to know her, finds herself wanting Mina to stop being just <em>the-girl-who-hates-her-for-some-reason </em>and start being her friend. So, she tries to talk to her, amicable and friendly, but she keeps getting brushed off. Eventually, Mina stops going to the music bar and Nayeon tries not to let it bother her.</p><p>That doesn’t mean she left Nayeon’s mind though.</p><p>Momo laughs at her when she tells her this one time in the library, saying Mina was amazing because she’s only said less than ten words to Nayeon yet she’s already got her smitten. Nayeon rebuts that Momo was one to talk and she brings up how the latter’s was jaw hanging open when she saw Sana for the first time. The two of them end up laughing so loud that they get reprimanded by the librarian.</p><p>Of course, that only made the two of them laugh even more.</p><p>“Seriously though, if you’re that smitten, shouldn’t you do something about it?” Momo whispers, not wanting to get kicked out of the library.</p><p>Nayeon’s face scrunches up in disgust, “I told you, I am <em>not </em>smitten. I find her beautiful and mysterious, sure. And I really want to get to know her, to you know, find out why she was crabby towards me and not to other people. Her smile hasn’t left my mind since that night, sure, but I’m <em>not smitten. </em>Not even close.”</p><p>Momo looks at her in amusement, “It’s funny how hard you’re trying to sound convincing right now.” Before Nayeon could dish out any form of response, the chair beside Momo moves, legs scraping the floor lightly.</p><p>“Who’s trying to sound convincing right now?” Sana asks brightly, taking a seat after she sets her notebooks on the table. She moves the chair a little closer to Momo, and circles an arm around her, placing her chin on Momo’s right shoulder.</p><p>Momo doesn’t shake her off, easily allowing Sana to get comfortable and pulling her close in the process, “Nayeon. She’s trying to convince me that she doesn’t have crush on someone from KNUA.”</p><p>For a moment, Nayeon’s blown away by how they look so at ease wrapped in each other’s arms. She’s seen them like this so many times but it never fails to amaze her, she figures that maybe that’s what love looks like.</p><p>Sana’s laughter draws her back to the current situation.</p><p>“Aw, really?” Sana coos. Nayeon’s look of admiration immediately vanishes and is replaced by false annoyance.</p><p>The older girl rolls her eyes, “It’s not a crush!”</p><p>“Please, you’re such a bad liar.” Sana counters with another laugh. Momo giggles along with her.</p><p>“SHHHHH!” the librarian from across the room shushes them and throws them a terrifying glare. The three of them turn to her and smile apologetically.</p><p>“<em>Fine. </em>Maybe I have a… <em>crush</em>. I don’t know. Do people even have those still?” Nayeon hisses when they tune back into their conversation. She looks unsure, visibly cringing, “It sounds so <em>high school-y</em>.”</p><p>Momo giggles, as soft as she could, “Awww, that sounds adorable.”</p><p>“It’s <em>not</em>.”  Nayeon protests, “She hated my guts even if we literally just met and all I did was introduce myself.”</p><p>“Maybe she’s just shy around new people? And that might have come across as rudeness.” Sana reasons.</p><p>“That’s likely. Jeongyeon she’s nice.” Momo adds.</p><p>“Also, wow you just met and you’re already smitten?” Sana notes, with an entertained smile.</p><p>Momo smiles brightly, “That’s what I said!”</p><p>“Soulmates,” Sana chuckles and presses a loud kiss on Momo’s cheek. Nayeon pretends to vomit, “You guys are insufferable. Now I’m <em>glad</em> Mina doesn’t seem to like me.”</p><p>“Jealous,” Sana says, smug and teasing.</p><p>The three of them laugh loudly and they end up getting asked to get out of the library.</p><p>--</p><p>The world has funny ways of bringing people together, Nayeon guesses when she sees Mina standing across Joohyun’s living room during another one of her parties. This particular was thrown to honor the end of their grueling midterms, and Nayeon decided it was time to give herself the good time she very much deserves. So she goes to the party with the usual suspects: Jeongyeon, Momo, and Sana, and begins to have a good time. She spots when she’s on her eighth cup of Jungle Juice, and Nayeon actually wonders if she was starting to see her everywhere, she wonders the crush. But no, Mina was actually there, busy talking to some other girls Nayeon doesn’t recognize. Nayeon nudges Momo, “Hey, she’s actually here.” She was slightly slurring her words, making Momo laugh, “Oh god. Are you gonna talk to her? You’re already tipsy.”</p><p>“Shhh! I’m not. I can handle my alcohol, unlike your girlfriend over there.” Nayeon argues, motioning to Sana who was laughing loudly at Jeongyeon who was looking confused. Momo looks over and lets out a light laugh.</p><p>“She’s already on the happy drunk stage, I think I should go check on her. Jeong looks terrorized,” she says, eyes turning into crescent moons as she laughs. Momo turns to Nayeon again, “If you’re really going to talk to her, just be yourself.”</p><p>Nayeon sniggers, “How very <em>original</em>.” Then she shakes her head, “Maybe later, though. She looks busy.”</p><p>Momo sticks a tongue out at her, “Chicken.” And Nayeon watches Momo mosey over to where Sana and Jeongyeon were.</p><p>After seeing Momo circle an arm around Sana’s waist and subtly land a soft kiss on her cheek before joining in on Jeongyeon and Sana’s conversation, Nayeon turns her gaze across the room once again. She finds Mina staring at her, dark hair curling down to her back, walnut-colored eyes probing, and soft pink lips turned upwards enough to resemble a faint smile. Nayeon raises an eyebrow, delightfully surprised, but before she could make anything of it, Mina shakes her head and heads off to the drinks table where Momo and the rest were. Nayeon takes a quick swig of Jungle Juice and decides to follow her in the guise of joining her friends.</p><p>“Hey,” she greets brightly, still slurring her words, and wraps an arm around Jeongyeon.</p><p>“What are you so chipper about?” her short haired friend asks. Momo laughs, “Pretty sure she’s trying to pretend she isn’t a <em>chicken.</em>” Sana giggles beside her, current state of inebriation evident, “Ooohh is this about Mina?” She says this rather loudly, enough to prick Mina’s ears and make her look at them. The group, save for Nayeon, tries to subtly look at her reaction. Jeongyeon awkwardly waves at her with a stroppy smile. Mina waves back, clearly weirded out.</p><p>Nayeon’s eyes widen as she shushes Sana, “She’s literally <em>right there</em>.” She turns to Momo, “You! Keep your girlfriend quiet.” Jeongyeon and Momo share a look of amusement.</p><p>“What do you mean <em>girlfriend? </em>Momo is my <em>wife! </em>My wife!” Sana says defiantly, poking at Momo’s cheeks.</p><p>Jeongyeon erupts into a series of loud guffaws, “Mo, she’s lost it.” Momo chuckles, “Yep. I should take her back to the dorm.” She turns to Sana and smiles softly, “Come on, lady.” Her girlfriend grins back, bright and blinding, and nods as she lets Momo hold her hand and take her home. They don’t make it through the door without Sana drunkenly introducing her as her wife to every single person they bump into.</p><p>“Alright now that those two dummies are gone, you should go talk to this crush of yours.” Jeongyeon says firmly, shrugging, eyebrows raised and lips pursed into a tight line.</p><p>“Why are you all so desperate to get me to talk to her? You guys aren’t the ones who <em>like </em>her.” Nayeon counters with a small pout.</p><p>“Because you’re a dumbass who can’t see the sexual tension between the two of you,” Jeongyeon exclaims, “Lady, don’t think we didn’t see those weird ass glances you two keep shooting at each other the whole night.”</p><p>Nayeon withdraws her arm from Jeongyeon’s shoulder and punches her good-humoredly, “Yoo Jeongyeon, shut up.”</p><p>Jeongyeon rubs her arms, “Stop hitting me! Or I’ll call Mina over!”</p><p>“I’d like to see you try.”</p><p>“Oh, I will,” Jeongyeon says with a mischievous grin, “Hey! Mina!” she calls out to the girl who was busy with her phone. Nayeon laughs when Mina doesn’t look up.</p><p>“See? The universe is on my side.” Nayeon says smugly.</p><p>“Not for long. She probably didn’t hear me because of the music,” Jeongyeon argues then grins, “Let’s go to her instead.”</p><p>She grabs Nayeon’s hand before the older girl could argue but she pulls on her hand, making them pause.</p><p>“What now?” Jeongyeon asks.</p><p>“What part of ‘she hates me’ don’t you understand?” Nayeon fires back.</p><p>Jeongyeon lets out a heavy breath. “She doesn’t hate you, Nay. Look, maybe you guys started off on the wrong foot so now’s your chance to change that.”</p><p>“Ugh. I hate it when you make sense.”</p><p>Jeongyeon chuckles, “A loser, really. Now, come on.” And Nayeon finally lets her drag her towards Mina.</p><p>“Mina!” Jeongyeon greets, tapping on the girl’s shoulder. Mina looks up and smiles sweetly when she sees Jeongyeon.</p><p>“Hey, Jeong.” Mina greets back, then she sees Nayeon beside her, “Hello to you too, Im Nayeon.”</p><p>“H-Hey.” Nayeon replies, nervously taking a sip from her cup.</p><p>No one says anything for a moment, an air of awkwardness about to rain down on them.</p><p>“How’re you? Jihyo said you had your midterm evaluations?” Jeongyeon asks, happily starting a conversation just to ease the awkwardness. Mina perks up, “Oh, yeah. Fortunately, it went well.”</p><p>“That’s great. What did you perform?” Jeongyeon continues casually. Nayeon, feeling invisible, begins to beg the hardwood floor to swallow her up just so she could get away.</p><p>“A short routine from Giselle. It’s one of my favorite ballets.”</p><p>Jeongyeon nudges Nayeon, making the girl grunt at the impact. She hits Jeongyeon back, making the latter glare at her before they both smile clumsily at Mina.</p><p>“Really? Mine’s Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty.” Nayeon begins, clearing her throat.</p><p>That piques Mina’s interest, “Really? Didn’t peg you for the classical type.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m not. It just sort of holds a special place in my heart.” Nayeon replies, “I like the Firebird as well.”</p><p>“Stravinsky’s? I like that too.” Mina says, smiling despite herself.</p><p>“Cool. You like, ballet. I like that sometimes too. So, what do you say? Friends?” Nayeon says before she could stop herself; Nayeon babbles when she’s nervous and she absolutely hates it when she does.</p><p>“What?” Mina retorts, lifting an eyebrow.</p><p>“Friends? What do you say? Will you be the swan to my lake?” Nayeon responds, finishing with a nervous laugh.</p><p>She knows she fumbled the bag based on the way Mina drops her brow and straightens her posture. “I don’t like stagnant water,” she deadpans before turning to Jeongyeon to bid her goodbye, “I’ll see you around, Jeong.” They both watch her leave and disappear into the crowd.</p><p>“Well, uh, that went terrible.” Jeongyeon mutters. Nayeon stares at the group of people Mina has disappeared into, brows furrowed.</p><p>“I told you she hates me.”</p><p>“I still don’t think she does.”</p><p>“Well, she does. I don’t even know what the hell I did before for her to be annoyed with me that much.” Nayeon exclaims, frustration evident.</p><p>“Mayb —”</p><p>“Screw this. I’m gonna ask her what her problem is with me.”</p><p>Nayeon doesn’t bother listening to Jeongyeon’s response and she chases after Mina as fast as her feet could take her. She pushes against the small crowd of people in the middle of the room and through the open door, she sees Mina on the swing set outside Joohyun’s yard. </p><p>Nayeon marches outside and across the lawn.</p><p>“Mina,” she says when she reaches her. The girl turns around and faces her, shoulders slumping down when she sees who it was.</p><p>“Nayeon,” she replies curtly, turning away again and continuing to swing slowly. Nayeon sits on the swing beside her.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck it.</em>
</p><p>“What’s your problem with me?” she blurts out.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Mina says, looking far away into the street.</p><p>Nayeon grumbles in frustration, “Did I do something wrong? Because you’re snippy and rude to me and I’m fine with that if I wronged you in some way, but I honestly do not fucking remember.”</p><p>“I’m not really a big fan of girls with egos bigger than her heads,” the other girl replies simply.</p><p>That takes Nayeon aback, “I do <em>not </em>have a big ego.”</p><p>Mina throws her a glance, “<em>Right.</em>”</p><p>Nayeon laughs, realizing something, “Wait. Did you get that from the way I talked to Joohyun? Because that was nothing, we just joke around like that.”</p><p>Mina sighs, “I know. But by the time I realized that, I’d already given you the stink eye and it was too late.”</p><p>Nayeon begins to swing back and forth slowly, mimicking what Mina was doing, “You didn’t have to act like I was the most annoying person in the world, though.”</p><p>“You <em>are </em>a little annoying,” Mina jokes, shrugging noncommittally. Nayeon gasps and stops swinging, she looks at Mina with an unbelieving expression painted on her face.</p><p>“Excuse me, people think I’m a delight,” she argues, hand on her heart. Her dramatic actions make Mina laugh and Nayeon immediately feels a surge of happiness rise inside her.</p><p>“Do they?” Mina asks, amused, now looking at Nayeon as she stops swinging as well.</p><p>Nayeon nods, “Oh, yes they do. I’m smart, funny, and humble. Honestly, what is not to like?”</p><p>Mina scrunches her face, and Nayeon thinks it’s adorable, “Really? The last sentence kinda fucked it up for you, humble queen.”</p><p>This makes Nayeon laugh loudly, “Well, you’d know if you actually tried to get to know me rather than give me the stink eye every time we see each other.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’re actually right. I’m sorry, by the way,” Mina murmurs, “I should have been more approachable or something.”</p><p>“Well, we can always start over.” Nayeon tells her, smiling softly, “What do you think about lunch tomorrow?”</p><p>Mina looks at her incredulously, amused at how she easily turned things around, “You’re ridiculous.”</p><p>“That’s a weird way to say no.” Nayeon says with a pout.</p><p>“I’m glad you know it’s a no,” Mina replies airily, a smirk painted on her beautiful face.</p><p>“Huh. Not used to hearing that word.” Nayeon says slowly, faking contemplation.</p><p>“There’s a first time for everything,” the younger girl replies, shrugging noncommittally.</p><p>Nayeon looks at her, amusement evident in her face. “Come on, Mina. Let’s have lunch together tomorrow.”</p><p>Mina rolls her eyes at Nayeon but agrees anyway.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Sana decides to spend the night alone in the hotel room. She washes up and slips on a clean oversized shirt and puts on one of her pink pajama pants that always made her feel warm. Sana realizes that the shirt she was wearing used to belong to Momo. She smiles sadly as she stares at the Sailor Moon print, looking at it made her heart feel heavy. Even back then, she used to wear it whenever she felt terrible, or sick, or just plain sad. And when she left for Japan, Sana wore it to make her feel less alone; she wore it to feel better when she missed Seoul, when she missed Momo. Now, it just reminded her how broken things were, how she’s starting to realize that the relationship between her and Momo was already too shattered to be fixed.</p><p>She shakes her head, refusing to think about it again. And with a deep breath, Sana goes out of the bathroom and prepares for her night alone. She plops down the fluffy bed and wraps the duvet around herself. She reaches for her phone and pulls up Youtube so she could watch random videos to take her mind off the fact that she was probably going to die alone after all this. She comes across a video of a BDZ interview, she clicks on it and realizes it was the first interview the band had after Sana left. Despite that she lets it load anyway like the true masochist that she was.</p><p>The band was on a couch while the host sat on the chair opposite of them. The members were dressed in variations of black and white clothes, she knew they were going for solemn and serious. Sana laughs miserably at this, it was as if they were mourning, as if someone had died. Part of her wishes it were true, part of her wishes that it was her.</p><p>“<em>So, ladies. I see that you’re missing one person here today. Where’s Sana?” </em>the interviewer asks, leaning towards the members, acting curious and interested in what they had to say. Sana’s actually a little astonished at how the host didn’t beat around the bush and just hit them where it hurt.</p><p>She hears Jihyo clear her throat, fixing a smile before answering, “<em>Sana’s on a vacation of sorts. She needed some rest. We miss her already though.” </em></p><p>Sana feels grateful, even in her absence Jihyo still protected her, protected the band.</p><p>The interviewer nods, giving time for the audience to absorb the answer before he threw another shot at them, “<em>A vacation, huh? That’s got to be fun, right? Why didn’t you guys go with her?” </em></p><p>This time it was Jeongyeon who speaks up, “<em>She needed it more than we did.” </em>Sana watches her force a small smile after she answered.</p><p>“<em>Understandable. But why am I hearing reports saying she’s left the band already?” </em></p><p>Jihyo, smile still in pace, answers him, “<em>Her much needed rest might take a very long time so she, um, she decided to leave the band.</em>”</p><p>There were gasps from the studio audience, and hearing those takes Sana back to that very same day. Her phone was blowing up with notifications from fans and antis alike, there were calls from her friends in the industry, and Sana ignored them all. She shuts her eyes, wanting to forget that and the pain that came along with it.</p><p>“<em>And you guys are okay with that?” </em>the interview asks them.</p><p>“<em>We are. We respect her decision,” </em>Tzuyu responds through her gritted teeth.</p><p>“<em>That’s good to know. You guys really have a tight friendship, huh?” </em>the host notes before turning to Momo, who was looking like she was spacing out and was staying silent the whole time, “<em>Speaking of tight relationships, Momo, how does it feel now that Sana’s not here?</em>”</p><p>Momo blinks, snapping back to reality, “<em>Um, I’m sorry. What was the question again?” </em>she asks with a nervous chuckle.</p><p>“<em>You were the closest to her since, well, since she’s your wife. So, how does it feel that Sana’s not here?”</em></p><p>Momo pauses, Sana sees Momo balls her fist around a couch pillow.</p><p>“<em>I honestly just want to talk about our new music,” </em>Momo finally replies, a polite smile on her tired face.</p><p><em>“Oh, of course. One last thing though, is it true that you two were about to get divorced before she left? Is that the real reason why she needed a ‘vacation’?” </em>the interviewer presses, fully knowing what he was doing.</p><p>Sana feels anger bubble up inside her, she’s angry at how ruthless the host was, at how he could do that to Momo while not even pretending to look guilty. She sees Momo start to tear up despite the smile plastered on her face. It doesn’t take her long to start crying during the broadcast. Jeongyeon rubs her back as Jihyo waves for Nayeon, asking her if it was okay to cut cut the live broadcast.</p><p>Sana finds herself tearing up as well as she watches the scene unfold in its digital copy; she’d seen another reminder of what a horrible state she’s left everyone in, Momo most especially.</p><p>As she closes the video and turns her phone off, she hears a knock. Sana grumbles but makes an effort to wipe away her tears before getting up and answering, thinking that it might be a hotel employee.</p><p>“Coming,” she calls out.</p><p>There was another knock, quick and impatient. It somehow irks her because after the couple of days she’s had, she really wasn’t in the mood to deal with other people’s tantrums.</p><p>“Jesus, wait —” she begins to complain as she twists the knob and opens the door but the words fall away from her lips when she sees who it was</p><p>“Sana.” Momo says plainly. She’s standing there, like she did the night before, and although there were no tears, no smell of alcohol, no signs of distress, Sana knows this would lead to them making another mistake. She swallows, thinking about how her heart cannot handle any kind of hurtful confrontation for the second time that day.</p><p>“Momo.” Sana replies curtly.</p><p>“Isn’t that my shirt?” Momo asks, pointing to the shirt Sana was wearing. Sana moves behind the door, a lame attempt to cover it.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” she fires back, ignoring what Momo had just asked. The raven haired girl in front of her sighs, “I came here to apologize.”</p><p>Sana looks at her confused, brows knit together. “For what?”</p><p>“For last night. And during lunch. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s ok—” Sana begins to say, thinking about the how broken Momo looked in the video, but Momo cuts her off.</p><p>“No, Sana. It’s not. We — we aren’t together anymore, so don’t lie to protect my feelings.”</p><p>“I—okay. Is that all?” Sana asks, desperate to hide under her covers and never come out.</p><p>“I missed you,” the girl tells her, looking down at her feet, “I wasn’t lying when I said that last night.”</p><p>Sana nods, biting her lower lip to keep herself from bawling like a baby, “I know, Mo. I missed you too.”</p><p>“It’s, I don’t know, Sana, everything’s really fucking confusing for me right now. I — I missed you so much but even if I did, I don’t think it’s enough to save this.” Momo continues, hoarse and frustrated.</p><p>“Don’t you want to try, though? I—I still want to, Momo. That’s why I came back here.”</p><p>Momo shakes her head, “No, Sana. I can’t. And I don’t want to talk about it tonight.”</p><p>“Okay. What else are you here for then, Mo?”</p><p>“I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.” Momo says, voice just above a whisper. She looks up at her, and Sana immediately gets what the girl was implying.</p><p>“Good thing my bed’s big enough for the two of us, am I right?” Sana replies lightheartedly, opening the door wider.</p><p>Momo gives her a small smile and steps inside.</p><p>--</p><p>They don't do anything else for the rest of the night, except cuddle and have their arms wrapped around each other. It was silent save for the soft hum of the air-conditioning unit inside the room. It reminded Sana of a better time, when they were young and in love and invincible. It reminded Momo of the pain, the anger, and all the things that were broken in the wake of their relationship. Either way, it hurt the both of them but it was better than being alone.</p><p>At least for that night.</p><p>“Sana,” Momo whispers, head on top of Sana’s chest, pulling the girl closer.</p><p>“Hm?” Sana answers, rubbing Momo’s back gently.</p><p>“Did you feel better when you left?”</p><p>“No. It made it worse, Mo.”</p><p>“How so?"</p><p>“It just filled me with regret and it just made me feel lonely. ”</p><p>Momo is silent for a while that Sana thinks she’s fallen asleep but her soft hum tells her otherwise. Sana lets the silence stir.</p><p>“Okay.” Momo replies after a while.</p><p>“How about you though? Did you feel better when I left?”</p><p>Momo clutches her closer, “No.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Momo.” Sana utters, remorseful and quiet, “I love you,” she murmurs, pressing a soft kiss on top of Momo’s head. She knows nothing was going to come, she knows it was stupid to even hope for it. But she waits anyway.</p><p>“Good night, Sana.” is all what Momo says.</p><p>“Good night.”</p><p>Sana holds Momo close. She doesn't know if Momo's actually asleep but she doesn't bother her, instead, she lets them both sit in the stillness.</p><p>“I love you,” she whispers again, and for the second time Sana pretends Momo says it back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a bit of minayeon backstory this chapter besides samo. enjoy! </p><p>ya'll can still yell at me on twt.</p><p>title's from islands by reese lansangan by the way.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>four.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Sana wakes up first.</p><p>For the first time in a very long while, she’s slept well. She supposes it had something to do with having Momo in her arms again. Any sleep was good sleep when things were alright between them.</p><p>Sana lets out a yawn and looks over at the sleeping figure whose arms were draped all over her. Momo looked so peaceful, and calm. Her lips are slightly open, body rising and falling slowly together with Sana’s as they breathed. Sana pulls her close, plants a soft kiss on top of Momo’s head and hums softly as she caresses Momo’s hair. Sana used to do this back when they were still okay, and she absolutely loved it because moments like these used to remind her that no matter how complicated and tiring the world around them got, she’d always have Momo. She clings to those memories, holds them tight, and locks them up somewhere inside her heart; somewhere where no one, not even Momo, could take it away from her. And Sana wishes time would stop, she wishes to live in this moment with Momo for as long as she could; away from the hurt, away from the wreckage of everything that has happened.</p><p>Momo stirs and Sana holds her breath, waiting for her to jolt awake and pull away from Sana as fast as she could just like the morning after they slept together. But Momo doesn’t. Instead, she shifts to a better position, mumbling something incoherently.</p><p>“Mo?” she asks, confused.</p><p>Momo looks at Sana, eyes half open, and smiles at her softly.</p><p>Sana’s overcome by the vision, it was too pure, reminiscent of the Momo she knew before. Momo puckers her lips and pouts as she pushes herself up and kisses Sana lightly. Before Sana could react, Momo dips her head back down to Sana’s chest and resumes sleeping. Sana’s heart twists meanly, her insides making her feel like she got punched in the gut. This was something Momo used to do; mumbling disjointed words and kissing Sana softly before falling back asleep again.</p><p>It used to bring a smile to her face, now she just feels like her heart got ripped out of her chest. Because this was all pretend, just a remnant of the past, a leftover reflex from before. Sana knows better than to delude herself that Momo still loves her, not after last night. She came back to Seoul with an iron will to fix all the things that were broken when she left, but Sana’s resolve is already waning, and she’s come to the realization that maybe things between her and Momo were way beyond fixing.</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes love and communication aren’t enough.</em>
</p><p>Maybe Sana’s beginning to agree.</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes love and communication aren’t enough.</em>
</p><p>She feels Momo shift under the sheets and pulls her closer, nuzzling on Sana’s neck like she used to.</p><p>Maybe Sana doesn’t agree after all.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>It was hot out, summer was creeping around the corners and everyone could feel it. She and Momo decided to spend their Sunday outside campus and they somehow ended up sitting on the grass at side of the Han River. They were far from alone, kids with their families were out and about as well, and they spotted several teenagers strolling by the riverside too.</p><p>But for Sana, it was peaceful still. She and Momo have been on academic overdrive the past few days and a day out together was something they both needed to keep themselves from going insane due to the schoolwork. They both needed to calm down and relax and so for the past hour that’s what they’ve been doing. Momo’s spent her time taking pictures of the river, of the flowers, the trees, herself, and the dogs who pass by from time to time. And Sana’s spent the hour alternating her gazes between her girlfriend and the river. She’s still staring lovingly, thinking about how pretty Momo is; the sunlight highlighting her collar bone, her chin, her nose, her eyes, every beautiful thing about her, which in Sana’s opinion, was basically every part of her. She hears Momo giggle at a corgi on a run with its owner and thinks of daffodils and yellow dahlias and how she never wants to lose her.</p><p>“Momo,” Sana begins to say, looking at her girlfriend who was still busy taking pictures of the view from across her, and still oblivious that Sana was fawning over her inwardly.</p><p>Momo lowers her phone, and tilts her head toward Sana’s direction to look at her, “Hm?”</p><p>“I love you, you know that?” she says softly.</p><p>Her girlfriend looks at her, amused and affectionate. “I know I know. You never let me forget.”</p><p>“Booo you’re supposed to say you love me back, jerk.” Sana whines, lips forming a small pout.</p><p>Momo snickers, leans forward and gives Sana’s forehead a light flick, “I love you too.”</p><p>Sana smiles, cupping Momo’s face and kissing her earnestly.</p><p>“If I could pick a day to live in forever, I’d choose today,” she says when she pulls away.</p><p>Momo sits back and looks on with an amused smile on her face, curious, “That’s random. Why though?”</p><p>“It’s <em>calm</em>. Nothing else is happening and it’s just us two enjoying each other’s company. It’s not hazy and tiring. I feel perfectly contented and that’s all I want for the future, you know? To live a quiet life with you, happy and contented.</p><p>Momo beams thoughtfully, completely taken by Sana’s honesty, “That’s what I want too. No fuss, just you.”</p><p>And there it was again, the overwhelming feeling of love and affection for Momo taking over Sana. There’s too much of it to keep it all in, Sana’s afraid she might explode but she hides it well nevertheless, under the guise of nonchalance.</p><p>“Well, lady, if you want to keep me forever, you kinda have to marry me.” Sana declares smugly, giving a noncommittal shrug.</p><p>Momo laughs, “Oh, do I?”</p><p>Sana nods, “Yep. Sorry, girl. I don’t make the rules.”</p><p>“Hm. I guess I have to.” Momo replies airily.</p><p>“Jerk, don’t sound so forced.” Sana exclaims, throwing leaves of grass at her playful girlfriend, who just laughs as she dodges.</p><p>“Wait, wait.” Momo says, laughter quieting down before she gets up. Sana nods even though she was confused. She watches Momo squats and picks up a bunch of tiny African daisies near a patch of flowers and more grass a little to their left.</p><p>Momo comes back shortly and sits beside her. She takes one small daisy and ties the end of the stem to the pedicel to form a ring. Momo holds out her palm and wait for Sana to respond. Sana lifts an eyebrow, lips quirking upwards as she places her right hand on Momo’s. Momo grins and slides the flower ring into her girlfriend’s ring finger.</p><p>“I’ll marry you someday, Satang. And I’ll give you a real ring when that time comes, for now, let’s just do away with whatever I made,” Momo tells her with a playful smirk.</p><p>Sana beams wide, putting the sun and the stars to shame, “I love it. I love my makeshift ring.” Sana giggles and pulls Momo back in for another soft kiss. She hastily pulls away after realizing Momo doesn’t have hers.</p><p>“Wait. Let me make yours!” Sana says gleefully, picking one more daisy from Momo’s lap and following what her girlfriend did just a few seconds earlier. Momo watches her in admiration as she concentrated on tying the perfect knot.</p><p>“There!” Sana says, smiling proudly as she holds up the flower ring. Momo doesn’t wait for her to ask for her hand, instead, she holds it out for her and wiggles her fingers.</p><p>“Hurry, I might change my mind,” she remarks jokingly. Sana pouts, “You’re mean.” She takes Momo’s hand and slides the ring onto her ring finger.</p><p>Momo throws her a grin.</p><p>“Oh, Sana, like I’d ever let you go.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>It takes another hour and a half before Momo finally wakes up.</p><p>She yawns loudly as she stretches her limbs, joints cracking softly from the movement. She looks around and finds no other person in the room, she begins to feel alarmed, thinking that maybe Sana had left. But she hears the shower running and Momo sighs in relief.</p><p>Sana was still here.</p><p>She rolls over to her stomach and hugs a pillow, staring at the wall as she allows herself to fully assess how she feels, where she was, and who she was with.</p><p>She feels well rested, first and foremost; it was probably the best sleep she’s had in years and she could deny it all she wants but she knows it was because she was with Sana. Last night had been different, neither of them were intoxicated, neither of them were angry. Momo thinks that maybe they’re both just tired — of hurting, of being alone. She thinks that’s why they both raised their white flags and just allowed themselves to pretend like they were twenty and in love. She also knows it was temporary, another moment of weakness.</p><p>Sana steps out of the bathroom wearing nothing but her shorts and an extremely oversized white shirt with a bear print on the front. The girl was focused on drying her hair with a towel to even notice that Momo was already awake.</p><p>Momo eyes her curiously, one brow quirked up. The shirt was hers, probably raided from her drawers a long time ago. Sana loved wearing Momo’s clothes, her shirts especially.</p><p><em>It makes me miss you less, </em>she answered simply when Momo asked her why one time. Seeing Sana in her clothes, looking comfortable and acting like she won as if she was wearing a dress embedded with Swarovski crystals and not some baggy shirt used to make her feel warm and happy but now, it just made her feel miserable. She wonders why Sana has kept them despite everything.</p><p>“Do you not have your own clothes?” she questions, choosing to ignore the misery creeping up from behind her. She rolls onto her back and sits up, leaning on the headboard as she waits for Sana’s response.</p><p>Sana flinches, momentarily startled by her voice before she turns around and rolls her eyes, “You’re up. I forgot you sleep like the dead.”</p><p>It was Momo’s turn to roll her eyes, “You’re a morning person, you’re not allowed to have opinion.”</p><p>Sana’s heart swells at Momo’s response. There was hope. Maybe she and Momo can go back to the way they were, maybe they weren’t as broken as they think they are.</p><p>“It’s way past noon, lady. And I do have my own clothes, thankyouverymuch.” Sana retorts teasingly, hope newly refurbished.</p><p>“Why do you still wear mine then?” Momo asks, keeping up the playful atmosphere, unable to stop herself.</p><p>“It makes me miss you less.” Sana answers honestly, eyes burnt honey and soft.</p><p>Momo’s throat suddenly feels dry and her tongue feels heavy, all these years and that was still Sana’s answer. After everything, Sana still had no problem saying things like that.</p><p>After all that’s happened, why does Sana look at her like she still loves her?</p><p> All of a sudden Momo feels all kinds of emotions wash through her: irritation, hurt, panic. She shuts her eyes and sighs. She wants to tell Sana so many things but she can’t find the words.</p><p>“You left,” Momo tells her, it was all she could manage to say. Besides, she was never good at lying to Sana.</p><p>“I know, but I never stopped loving you nor did I stop missing you.” Sana replies immediately, her words piercing through Momo’s chest.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. Not this. </em>
</p><p>There was long beat; long enough for Momo to imagine ships torn apart by deadly waves, long enough for her to watch them drown. It was glaringly obvious that the conversation was going south.</p><p>Sana says these kinds of things and Momo finds herself losing the will to keep her walls up.</p><p>“Why do you say things like that?” she mutters brokenly, frustrated.</p><p>“Because it’s the truth,” Sana replies with no hesitation.</p><p>“I don’t believe you.” Momo croaks.</p><p>“It’s still the truth.” Sana looks at her, unafraid.</p><p>She wasn’t about to give everything up, not again. Not when she thinks there’s still a sliver of hope.</p><p>Momo, on the other hand, is tired.</p><p>Most of all, she’s scared. Scared of what would happen if she lets Sana in again, scared they would implode and destroy each other more than they already have.</p><p>
  <em>How could Sana still fight for this? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After everything, why does she still want to be with me?</em>
</p><p>Momo sits up and clenches her fist around the soft fabric of the duvet, “That’s not going to make me come back to you.”</p><p>Sana falls silent and drops her gaze to the floor.</p><p>“I’m never coming back to you.” Momo adds, she doesn’t know who she was trying to convince though, Sana or herself.</p><p>Sana clenches her jaw, the gavel has been struck and the verdict has been made, two years ago and she was being a fool to even think she could change that.</p><p>“Why do you keep coming here then?” she mumbles quietly, an obvious strain in her voice.</p><p>Momo breathes out, heart feeling heavy.</p><p>“Because I’m tired of feeling alone.”</p><p>A lie.</p><p>“And that’s all?” Sana asks, looking at her again, desperate and pathetic. Her eyes were watery and her bottom lip was quivering. Momo refuses to meet her gaze.</p><p>“Yes. Nothing else.”</p><p>A lie.</p><p>“I think you should go now, Mo.”</p><p>“Yeah, I think I do.” Momo replies, throat still feeling constricted.</p><p>Another lie.</p><p>She gets off the bed and grabs her phone before walking past Sana and heading towards the door. Momo stops in front of the door and gives Sana one last look. The other girl just stands stiff, towel dangling from her hand, hair still wet, and eyes looking hollow and empty.</p><p> “I’ll see you on Wednesday,” she says before opening the door and stepping out.</p><p>Sana waits for the sound of the door slamming shut and wonders how many times Momo was going to break her heart and how many times she was going to let her, before finally allowing the first threat of tears to spill.</p><p>Momo rushes out of the hotel thinking that maybe she’s good at lying to Sana after all.</p><p>--</p><p>Nayeon spends her morning absorbing all the sunlight she could on the balcony. She had a good night cuddled up with Mina in the guest room, but if she was being honest, any night with Mina was good. This morning was shaping up to be a good one as well, she could hear Jeongyeon’s constant teasing from the kitchen, and Mina’s and Jihyo’s occasional giggles from the floor as they toss cereal flakes at Tzuyu, who was napping peacefully on the couch.</p><p>She could hear the muffled sounds of the drama they were supposed to be watching playing on the TV and the smell of fresh waffles seeping through the door to the balcony. Nayeon takes a sip of her coffee, not minding the slight stinging on her lips as she stares off into the city. She could finally begin to feel the warmth of getting a real ass break. The band’s been on breaks before but most of them were short lived and even then Nayeon was still so busy fixing their schedules, promotions while they were on hiatus, keeping up with endorsement deals and offers. The only time she ever had a really, <em>really </em>long break was when the whole Momo-Sana debacle erupted and it sent the band into a yearlong hiatus. It was terrible and exhausting for every single one of them, so they weren’t really enjoying the break. If it weren’t for Mina coming back, Nayeon might have just collapsed.</p><p>She sighs as she remembers all the shitty things that happened after Sana had left, heart feeling heavy as she imagines letting the memory of that year evaporate with the steam from her mug.</p><p>Mina seems to have a knack for showing up when she was in distress, she thinks to herself when she feels a hand on her back and sees her soon-to-be-wife sit next to her.</p><p>“Hey,” Mina says softly, a small smile on her face, “What’s got you looking too serious this early?”</p><p>“The past. Most specially how shitty the last two years were, before you came back of course.” Nayeon grumbles.</p><p>Mina looks at her thoughtfully, immediately understanding what Nayeon was talking about. “Hm. Sounds like you need a hug,” she says with a gentle sigh as she opens her arms wide.</p><p>Nayeon puts her mug on the table and scoots closer to Mina. Shelets herself feel Mina’s warm embrace, “You’re the best, I hope you know that.”</p><p>“Why yes, you’ve told me quite frequently.” Mina replies, rubbing Nayeon’s back lightly.</p><p>“Because you are!” Nayeon whines, pulling her closer. This makes Mina laugh.</p><p>“You are such a baby,” she says, her shoulder shaking from her laughter, “but why were you thinking about what happened?”</p><p>“Because I feel like it’s happening again,” she says burying her face against Mina’s chest, “Momo hasn’t come home yet since dinner, has she?”</p><p>“Mm, no I don’t think so, Nay.”</p><p>Nayeon sighs, “I’m sure she’s with Sana.” Nayeon pulls away from the hug and looks at her fiancée, “I’m scared for them, Mina. Scared and worried.”</p><p>“I get it, babe. They’re in a complicated situation right now.”</p><p>“Complicated is an understatement. Something happened, even if Momo hasn’t said anything. I’m sure of it. That’s why Momo exploded during yesterday’s lunch.”</p><p>“They were going to get divorced, Nay. And then Sana left. Both of them have a lot of anger and hurt that they weren’t able to let out, but despite that, I’m sure they missed each other.” Mina tells her calmly, “that’s why they’re confused as to how they are going to be around each other right now.”</p><p>“Momo told me she doesn’t love Sana anymore, Mitang.” Nayeon says bluntly, looking away with her brows furrowed.</p><p>Mina looks at her, confused, “She— what?”</p><p>Nayeon groans in frustration. “The day Sana came back, she told me she didn’t love her anymore,” she says breathlessly, falling back into Mina’s shoulder.</p><p>“I don’t believe that, honestly.” Mina says, unbothered by the weight of Nayeon’s head.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Before you guys came home, Momo and I talked last night. She apologized and she asked me what if felt like when I… <em>left</em>.”</p><p>Nayeon stays silent and waits for Mina to continue.</p><p>“I told her that basically it sucked a lot. She wanted to understand, wanted to know what Sana could have felt, Nay. If she didn’t love her still, I doubt she’d even bother trying to understand how it sucked for Sana too.”</p><p>“Why did she tell me what she said, then?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe she’s projecting? Trying to convince herself that she doesn’t love her anymore?”</p><p>Nayeon lets out a long breath, “I think you’re right. But they’re hurting each other, don’t you think we should help them?”</p><p>“We should. Talk to Momo, though. You’ve been in her position before, she’ll listen to you.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll talk to her,” Nayeon responds, turning her head a little and looking at Mina slyly, “You’re the wisest person I know. What would I do without you?”</p><p>Mina laughs, “Probably going insane.”</p><p>“You’re absolutely right.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Nayeon and Mina become fast friends after their lunch and they end up hanging out in a café near the university belt instead of going home.</p><p>Nayeon spends the whole afternoon listening to what Mina had to say, how she loved and adored her dog, Ray, how she used to loved running around in the rain, how she enjoys sharing an apartment with Jihyo, and how she missed her family who stayed in Japan while she went to Seoul to pursue her dreams.</p><p>“I think it’s brave,” Nayeon murmurs.</p><p>“Really? Sometimes I think I made a mistake, you know? Leaving home to pursue dancing when I could have had cushy life at home studying law or medicine or something.”</p><p>“Yeah. You were young when you left home, Mina. The world is scary but you did it anyway. That’s brave as hell.”</p><p>Mina’s lips curl into a smile, “Um. Thanks, Nayeon.”</p><p>Nayeon beams back. She was already attracted to her but for every word that comes out of Mina’s lips, she finds herself falling more and more into the beautiful abyss that was Myoui Mina. She wants to swim in her thoughts, immerse herself in the stories the girl in front of her was weaving.</p><p>So Nayeon asks her about ballet, how she fell in love with it.</p><p>Mina listens to Nayeon’s stories as well, most of them starring Kookeu, and her friends, of course. She tells Mina how she hated it when people underestimate her and how she loved proving them wrong all the time.</p><p>“I’m more than a pretty face, you know?” Nayeon tells in an airy tone, obviously teasing, “I’m smart, really talented, and <em>humble</em>.”</p><p>“Yeah, you said that before but I’m still not so sure about the last one, girl.” Mina jokes, finding it easy to fall into a rhythmic banter with Nayeon.</p><p>“Please just go along with it,” Nayeon whines, making Mina laugh again. She hasn’t laughed freely like this in a while.</p><p>And so the afternoon goes on, and she asks Nayeon how long she’d been singing, and she listens when Nayeon rambles on about how she absolutely loved singing and performing. Mina realizes how badly she’s misread Nayeon from their first meeting. She was indeed nice, funny, and smart. Nayeon’s confident but not cocky, not the kind that Mina hates. And she finds that Nayeon has this sense of responsibility and determination in her that Mina feels so drawn to. She smiles, not regretting going to lunch with her and giving her a chance to start over.</p><p>And before they know it, the sky outside turns dark and stars begin to reveal themselves to the rush of the city below.</p><p>Nayeon looks out the window and asks her, “It’s getting late, do you want to go now?”</p><p>Mina checks her wristwatch and says, “Crap. Yeah. I’m supposed to be helping Jihyo cook.”</p><p>Nayeon chuckles, remembering that she had a gig that night as she stands up, holding her hand out for Mina.</p><p>“Guess we better get you home, princess.”</p><p>Mina looks up at Nayeon, eyes glistening against the café light and finds herself using all her strength not to become a blushing mess.</p><p>
  <em>Geez, keep it cool, Mina.</em>
</p><p>She takes Nayeon’s hand and stands up.</p><p>“Take me home then, Im Nayeon.”</p><p>--</p><p>They step out of the café and they’re immediately greeted by a cold gust of air. Mina shivers, and she wonders if it was from the air outside or from the feeling of Nayeon’s fingers wound tightly around hers.</p><p>Somehow, it feels right, like it always belonged there, wrapped in Nayeon’s fingers.</p><p>Mina hopes she wouldn’t let go.</p><p>And Nayeon doesn’t.</p><p>She holds her hand tight and starts to walk, pulling Mina with her gently.</p><p><em>Never let me go, Nayeon, </em>she wants to say.</p><p><em>I won’t, </em>Nayeon’s grip seemingly tells her.</p><p>It’s quiet between the two of them while they walked save for the bustling city around them, until the older one breaks the silence.</p><p>“Um, Mina, I forgot to ask you something.”</p><p>“Hm?” Mina replies, looking at her companion. Nayeon stops, the breeze flapping against her hair, and looks at Mina intently.</p><p>Mina feels her heart hammering inside her chest, she blinks slowly as she waits for Nayeon to continue.</p><p>“Where do you live again?”</p><p>That pulls her out of her trance. Mina laughs loudly.</p><p>“Oh my god. Did I forget to tell you? I’m so sorry.”</p><p>Nayeon laughs with her, “It’s okay. I’m too beautiful, I know it’s distracting.”</p><p><em>Well, you are, </em>Mina wants to say.</p><p>Instead she says, “You wish.”</p><p>--</p><p>They arrive at Mina’s apartment building and they were faced with the realization that the day they had together has come to an end.</p><p>The older girl glances at their intertwined hands before looking at Mina. “Well, here we are.”</p><p>Mina looks back at Nayeon, “Here we are.”</p><p>She gives her a smile and moves to climb up the front steps of the building. Before she could reach the second step, Mina realizes Nayeon has not let go of her hand. She threw her a sly smile.</p><p>“Are you having a hard time letting me go or something?” </p><p>Nayeon flashes her a grin, “Or something.”</p><p>The younger girl lets out a soft laugh and takes a look at her face, flushed and a little red from the cold. Mina feels her throat close in, Nayeon looks so… <em>adorable.</em> She finds it hard to believe that someone this confident and bold could look so soft. She swallows, feeling a little flushed herself and suddenly feeling a little shy and awkward.</p><p>She absentmindedly steps down, “Well, uh, bye.”</p><p>This has become awkward indeed.</p><p>Mina mentally kicks herself for letting herself be so affected by Nayeon looking cute.</p><p>Nayeon clears her throat and lets go of Mina’s hand, confused by the sudden shift in atmosphere.</p><p>“Y-Yeah, bye.”</p><p>They both lean in for a peck in the check, seem to rethink it, pull back, before awkwardly holding their arms out for a hug. But they both realize that they have never hugged goodbye unless someone died, probably. So they finally settle for a… <em>high five.</em></p><p>Then they both stare at each other.</p><p>“Uh, thank you for today,” Mina finally whispers before running up the steps.</p><p>She was about to enter the building when Nayeon calls out to her, “This wasn’t bad for a first date, Myoui.”</p><p>Mina turns around, lifting an eyebrow, “This was a date?”</p><p>And she sees Nayeon’s lopsided smile before giving her a shrug. Nayeon walks away with a smug look on her face and Mina does not mind one bit.</p><p>--</p><p>Mina falls in love in November.</p><p>It starts with Nayeon flirting and her subtly flirting back, then it molds into her hearing Nayeon’s laughter, with her witnessing Nayeon’s confidence and talent every time she watches her sing, with her being engulfed in the girl’s warm hugs and protective embraces. And finally boils down to the way watches her in awe during her recitals, and her feeling like melted butter on toast when she sees her.</p><p>Nayeon falls in love way before that. It starts and ends with the way Mina looks at her, gaze burning deep into Nayeon’s soul, as if Mina’s sees that there’s something more to Nayeon than meets the eye and that she wants that, that she wants all of it. Nayeon thinks of giving it all to her, she could give her the entirety of Im Nayeon and all she would ask for in return was her love.</p><p>They don’t start being <em>together </em>yet though. They continue hanging out, spending time with each other when they could. Sometimes Nayeon studies while Mina practices, sometimes they don’t see each other at all but they make it a point to send the other a text or a call. They both go to each other’s shows and show support, and they become friends with each other’s friends. They were practically girlfriends already but both of them were too chicken to ask.</p><p>One night, while studying in their dorm room, Sana asks Nayeon if she and Mina were already dating, and Nayeon shakes her head no, focusing on her notes. Momo butts in, telling her that she’d been there before and just put a damn label already. Jeongyeon agrees, saying they were giving Sana and Momo a run for their money in terms of being chicken.</p><p>“Mina knows I like her. I’m just waiting for the right moment.” Nayeon counters, pouting.</p><p>“Oh, how the tables have turned,” Momo teases.</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>--</p><p>For Mina, the right moment comes during one of Nayeon’s gigs. She sits on one of the tables near the stage and watches and listens to Nayeon sing while her friends played their instruments.</p><p>“<em>I wanna live in the hidden parts of your skin. I wanna be inside, I wanna get locked in,” </em>she croons, <em>“I just wanna dip you in honey</em>.”</p><p>Mina stares at her, never really getting over the fact that Nayeon was born to be on stage, she looked so confident, emotions pouring out of her as she sang in perfect pitch.</p><p>Nayeon looks at Mina and catches her staring, she grins when she sings the next line, “<em>My Japanese bazooka, my alley cat. I like it when you're good but I prefer the bad. And I just wanna dip you in honey</em>.”</p><p>Mina doesn’t look away, and sees Nayeon’s crooked smile. The world seems to blur out until it was just the two of them. The spotlight was on the older girl on stage, sounding like the all the yearning in the world was locked inside her chest and was bursting out the seams, highlighting her features.</p><p>Her fair skin.</p><p>“<em>Baby, we were made out of sunshine.</em>”</p><p>The bridge of her nose.</p><p> “<em>Baby, we were made out of stars.”</em></p><p>Her brown irises disappearing as she closes her eyes.</p><p>
  <em>“Tame the thunderclouds in my mind.”</em>
</p><p>Mina’s eyes lands on her lips, and she suddenly wants to do nothing else except kiss her.</p><p>She finds herself standing up, still staring. Dazed and entranced, it was just her and Nayeon and no one else. Her feet take her to the stage and Mina finds herself rushing towards Nayeon whose eyes widen in confusion when she sees Mina on the stage.</p><p>In a split second, Nayeon feels Mina’s slender arms around her, pulling her in for a kiss. It takes another second for Nayeon to process what was happening but she kisses her back nevertheless. And they stay there, holding each other, not paying mind to the crowd before them.</p><p>Jeongyeon and Sana stop playing their instruments and they watch the scene unfold in front of them with half-smiles, confused yet happy. Momo awkwardly stops beating her drums, stifling a laugh.</p><p>Mina pulls away, eyes shining, and smiling widely. Nayeon grins back, ignoring the thumping in her chest as she tries to catch her breath.</p><p>“Geez, Myoui, couldn’t keep it in your pants?” Nayeon murmurs teasingly.</p><p>“Can you just be my girlfriend already?” Mina retorts.</p><p>“Someone was getting impatient, huh.” Nayeons says, looking smug with an eyebrow raised.</p><p>“Sorry, I couldn’t help it. You were taking too long, so might as well beat you to it.”</p><p>“Alright, if you insist.”</p><p>“If I <em>insist</em>?”</p><p>Nayeon nods once.</p><p>“Alright.” Mina says, grin still in place.</p><p>Someone in the crowd whoops and whistles and they’re immediately brought back to the reality that they were in front of an audience. Jeongyeon stifles a laugh disguised as a cough and they could hear Sana giggle. Mina blushes, realizing what she had done.</p><p>“I, uh, I should go back,” she continues with a nervous chuckle.</p><p>Nayeon nods, smile still reaching her eyes. Mina dashes back to her seat, cheeks as red as a monkey’s butt.</p><p>Nayeon clears her throat and addresses the crowd, “So, uh, I can’t believe you guys had to see me get a girlfriend.”</p><p>They could hear a <em>bad um tss </em>from Momo’s drums, and the crowd erupts in laughter and cheer. Nayeon laughs along, heart feeling full.</p><p> “Okay okay,” she shoots Mina a not so subtle wink, “Back to business, this one’s called <em>Bullseye.</em> I hope you all are having a good night like I am.”</p><p>Momo counts down with her drumsticks, signaling Nayeon when to start singing. The crowd listens as her voice seeps through the mic. Mina watches her with a small grin she just couldn’t wipe off her face.</p><p>In the middle of the song, Momo catches Sana’s eye. The younger girl flashes her a bright grin and Momo couldn’t help but feel like everything has finally fallen into place.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>After hours of hiding in a secluded coffee shop in an attempt to clear her mind, Momo finally decides to go back home.</p><p>She’s greeted by an almost-empty penthouse and an Im Nayeon drinking some type of iced chocolate drink while flipping through a magazine when she steps inside.</p><p>“Where’s everyone?” Momo asks, shutting the door behind her.</p><p>“They’re helping Mina look for a few good clubs for tomorrow’s bachelorette party,” Nayeon replies without looking up.</p><p>“Really? Why didn’t you go with them?” Momo questions nonchalantly as she moves towards the fridge, she was unbelievably parched.</p><p>“Hm,” Nayeon hums before taking a sip of her drink and putting it on the table as well as the magazine she was reading just a few seconds ago, “I wanted to talk to you actually.”</p><p>Momo eyes her friend as she chugs down a bottle of cold water. “Please don’t tell me it’s another Sana lecture,” she says with a groan after she finishes drinking.</p><p>“It is. Sucks for you, Hirai.” Nayeon deadpans.</p><p>Momo sighs in response, “I don’t need another lecture, Nayeon.”</p><p>“You do, Momo.”</p><p>“Why? Why does everyone think I need to be lectured about Sana?” Momo exclaims, shooting the older girl an exasperated look.</p><p>“You were with her last night, weren’t you?” Nayeon asks even though she already has a strong hunch.</p><p>“No.” Momo lies, stubborn and hardheaded. Because if she was going to admit to sleeping over at Sana’s hotel room, she’d also be admitting to a lot of other things like that fact that she still needs her, still finds comfort in her, still loves her. Momo wasn’t even ready to admit that to herself yet, let alone admit to anyone else.</p><p>“No? You’re really going to lie to one of your closest friends?” Nayeon says incredulously, crossing her arms across her chest.</p><p>Momo cringed, Nayeon could really fill the scary and strict older sister role when there was extreme need for it.</p><p>“Would you kill me if I said yes?” Momo replies, realizing she had no choice but just come clean about one thing at least.</p><p>“Yes to what?” Nayeon pushes as Momo sits beside her on the couch.</p><p>“Yes, I was with Sana last night.”</p><p>“And that’s it?”</p><p>“I, uh, I also slept with her…” Momo trails off, ashamed that she gave in to her moment of weakness.</p><p>Nayeon sighs, “I had a feeling.” Momo refuses to look at Nayeon, not wanting to give Nayeon the opportunity to gloat.</p><p>“You know, it’s okay to admit that you still feel something for her,” the older girl says sincerely.</p><p>“But I—I don’t.”</p><p>“Momo —”</p><p>“Nayeon. I don’t have feelings for her. I—I just felt alone and confused and she was back and I don’t know, I wanted to see her, wanted to not feel sad and alone anymore and she was there.” Momo reveals, stammering ever so slightly.</p><p>Nayeon looks at Momo, eyebrows bunched together.</p><p>“Momo. Do you want me to be honest?”</p><p>Momo lets out an exasperated sigh; she couldn’t handle the truth right now, she doesn’t want to hear it.</p><p>“Look, I honestly think you’re lying.” Nayeon tells her bluntly, going for the kill; she was never the type to beat around the bush anyway. Momo scoffs, readily maintaining her defiant façade.</p><p>Nayeon rolls her eyes, “But <em>if </em>you’re telling the truth, <em>if </em>you really don’t love her like you say you do, then stop messing with her, Mo.” She sees Momo shut her eyes, this was how she could tell Momo wasn’t here for the conversation; Nayeon’s witnessed it so many times over the years, she knows Momo hates confrontations but this was something too important to just let pass, so Nayeon presses on.</p><p>“I know you don’t want to hear this right now, Mo, but you need to.” Nayeon takes a deep breath before continuing, “Sana — Sana still loves you, and she wants to fix things. But if you really are done with her, with your marriage — everything about the two of you, then stop sending her mixed signals.”</p><p>“Nay—”</p><p>“I mean it, Momo. Proceed with the divorce and leave her alone.” Nayeon utters, her voice stern, “I’ve seen you on your lowest when she left and I was there for you. But it must have been a shit storm for her too, and she was all alone. It’s time for me to be there for her.”</p><p>Nayeon was always protective of them.</p><p>They tease each other and make fun of each other a lot of the time but when it mattered, Nayeon wasn’t afraid to step up and defend them, even if in this case, it was Momo who she was telling off.</p><p>Momo bites her lip harshly, it was the only thing she could to keep the tears from falling. She knows Nayeon is right, she knows she fucked everything up even more. Hot tears streak down her cheeks as she continues to wrestle with the truth.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Mo. I really want you two to work this out and I would gladly do anything I can to help, but if you don’t love her anymore then I think it’s best if you guys just went your separate ways and move on.”</p><p>“Six years, Nayeon. How do I move on from that?” Momo asks, her voice quiet as she hunches over, burying her face in her hands.</p><p>“I honestly don’t know, Momo. I think a part of it will always stay with you.”</p><p>“I don’t want it to.”</p><p>“Hey,” she says, rubbing Momo’s back gently, “I can’t guarantee you that it’ll be easy but that’s why you have us. We’ll pick your sorry ass up all the time.” Nayeon laughs a little, attempting to lighten up the atmosphere.</p><p>Momo chuckles amidst her tears, “You’re such a mom.”</p><p>“I know. Mina and I aren’t even married yet but we already have five kids.” Nayeon jokes.</p><p>“Thanks, though. I’ll get my shit together and try to move on, I promise.” Momo says, determination lacing her tone as she wipes her tears away.</p><p>“You’ll get there, Mo.”</p><p>Nayeon’s phone vibrates and she momentarily stops consoling her friend to have a look at it.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>loml</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[4:50 PM]</strong>
</p><p>hey love</p><p>they want to eat at Kwong’s tonight</p><p>wanna join us?</p><p>                                                                                                                                                                      <strong>Me</strong></p><p>
  <strong>                                                                                                                                                                    [4:51 PM]</strong>
</p><p>sounds good, love.</p><p>I’ll see you &lt;3</p><p>Nayeon looks over at Momo, “Hey, we’re going to eat at Kwong’s. You should join us, Mo.”</p><p>Momo thinks it through but not without flashing Nayeon an appreciative smile before ultimately deciding against going. She shakes her head, “Nah. I kinda want to be alone right now, Nay.”</p><p>“I understand.” Nayeon smiles gently as she stands up, “But if you ever change your mind, give any one of us a call, okay?”</p><p>The older girl presses a kiss on the top of her head, “We’ll see you later.” Momo nods and watches Nayeon get up and leave after grabbing her bag from the guest room.</p><p>Momo sits in the emptiness of the living room and stares at the ceiling.</p><p>Nayeon was right. She needed to move on, or start trying at least. That way, she could stop hurting both herself and Sana.</p><p>And Momo thinks she knows where to start.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>It was Friday and they were supposed to be at 21:29 playing yet another gig but Nayeon was sick which caused the hoarseness and the scratchiness of her voice, so they decided to take the night off. They offered Jihyo, who, through recent discovery, actually has a voice of an angel, to the manager to fill in for their set and sing solo during their schedules until Nayeon felt better. Although reluctant, Jihyo couldn’t say no to the decent pay she was going to receive and the manager surely did not have any qualms about finding a temporary replacement for their band in the meantime.</p><p>So they were stuck inside their dorm room with nothing else better to do.</p><p>“You guys are going to get married, right?” Jeongyeon randomly asks as she takes a break from building a Lego Death Star.</p><p>Momo, who was busy putting Sana’s now-blonde hair into a braid, looks up at her best friend, surprised at the sudden inquiry.</p><p>“What?” she asks, quirking up an eyebrow.</p><p>“You two. You’re going to get married, aren’t you?” Jeongyeon repeats, stretching her arms before taking a swig of her Mountain Dew.</p><p>“No way. I can’t stand her, Jeong.” Momo replies, face twisting in fake disgust, “She gives me too much kisses.”</p><p>Sana scoffs, “Like that’s ever been a problem to you!”</p><p>“Uh-huh… Actually, I hate to break it to you but it’s always been a problem, babe.”</p><p>“Mean!” Sana whines playfully, knowing fully that Momo was kidding. She turns to Jeongyeon and shakes her head, “And it’s a no. She’s mean, imagine being married to <em>that.</em>”</p><p>“You like it when I’m mean!” Momo counters, pouting at her girlfriend.</p><p>“I like it when you’re underneath me —”</p><p>“Gross. I should not have asked you two weirdos that question.” Jeongyeon interjects, throwing a pillow at her two friends at the opposite side of the room. Sana and Momo burst out laughing, the latter falling on the shit tons of stuffed animals she had on her bed.</p><p>“Sorry, sorry.” Sana says before sitting up, “But seriously, we’re going to. Someday soon.” She looks at Momo and gives her a tiny smile, clearly thinking about their day at the riverside with flower rings and promises.</p><p>Momo nods, “And nothing stops Sana from introducing herself as my wife at parties anyway.”</p><p>“I’m just simply stating a soon-to-be fact.” Sana replies proudly, crossing her arms across her chest while giving them a shit-eating grin.</p><p>“Stop looking so smug, you only do it when you get drunk,” Momo says, rolling her eyes but laughing afterwards. She proceeds to look at Sana with a certain softness that even Jeongyeon could feel from her side of the room. It was tender, and full of love, and Jeongyeon’s sure that everyone else who sees it will have no choice but to root for them.</p><p><em>I’m rooting for you guys, </em>she wants to tell her friends.</p><p>”I can’t believe I’m stuck here with you two lovestruck idiots,” she says instead.</p><p>Jeongyeon wants them to make it, wants them to last. She probably still has a long way to go before she can find something even remotely close to true love but Momo and Sana were different, they’ve already found it.</p><p>She sees Sana wrap Momo into a hug and right then and there, she vows to do whatever she can to help them make that happen, because finding a love like that in a world like theirs is rare and it would be a tragedy if they lost it.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Momo wasn’t an alcoholic. She’d never been a fan of drinking but lately it seems like alcohol was her new best friend. Nayeon had told her to try to move on and stop making more of a mess of things between her and Sana. Momo had agreed and promised to get her shit together and what is else is more fitting to be the first step in moving on than drinking the night away.</p><p>So she puts on a pair of crisp, black denim jeans and a black crop top, dons a black plaid shirt before stepping out of the penthouse. Momo takes herself out to one of the many bars in the red-light district, one that wasn’t a <em>celebrity hotspot</em>, and finds solace in a bottle of Jack Daniel’s after binge watching anime shows over the past four hours.</p><p>The music was loud, and the place was close to being crowded. Momo’s four drinks in and all she can see is Sana, the color of whiskey in her glass reminding her of Sana’s eyes and how they looked so empty every time Momo hurt her. She drains the rest of drink until it makes her feel like she was drowning.</p><p>“Hey there,” she hears someone say from behind her. Momo doesn’t bother turning around, she probably doesn’t know that person for her to give a shit. And from the sound of it, the person was probably a man and Momo wasn’t in the mood to deal with the kind of crap that seemed to follow <em>those </em>kinds of men wherever they go.</p><p>“You look like you could use some company,” the man says, this time, sliding up next to her on the bar stool beside her, “drinking alone isn’t that fun.”</p><p>“You think?” Momo says in annoyance.</p><p>“Feisty, I like it,” he says, sounding impressed rather than discouraged at Momo rejecting his advances, “Can I buy you a drink?”</p><p>Momo spares him a glance, irritated. He looks like a typical brown haired, brown eyed rich male who had too much money to know what to do with it. A look of shock registers on his face when he realizes who he had just hit on.</p><p>“Holy shit. You’re Hirai Momo,” he says, stammering over his words. <em>Of course </em>he knows, her face was plastered on billboards and magazine all over the country.</p><p>“No, I’m not.” Momo denies, she knows it’s stupid, futile, even, to deny that she was indeed the drummer from BDZ but she was drunk on whiskey and she wasn’t thinking clearly. Plus the man annoyed her, disturbed her precious alone time, so she wanted some sort of payback.</p><p>“Really? You look so much alike.”</p><p>Momo shrugs, “I get that a lot.”</p><p>The man laughs at that, “Can I buy you a drink then?”</p><p>“Why not,” she slurs, not thinking about her answer, not even thinking about the fact that she can buy it for herself.</p><p>“Alright, bartender, let’s give this pretty lady a drink,” he says with a smirk on his face as he waves at the bartender.</p><p>Momo lets him buy her a drink and allows him to talk to her and flirt with her— not that she reciprocates. She waits and downs all of it as the man continues to indulge her with shots of tequila, glasses of rum, and more whiskey. She drains it all, thinking that maybe tonight she might drink enough alcohol to make her finally forget about Sana.</p><p>--</p><p>During her years in the limelight, Sana’s made a few friends outside their band. Some from other bands like theirs, some of them were actresses and actors, and a few of them were idols. Eunha, in particular, is an actress and she was one of the people Sana was very good friends with back in the day so it didn’t really faze her when she received a call from her early in the afternoon. Eunha called, commented on how it was surprising that Sana hasn’t changed her number at all before asking her if she wanted to go out and catch up. Sana almost declined when Eunha told her they were going to meet up at some bar somewhere in the Itaewon district, but she decided against it. She figures it was much better to mope and be sad while out drinking with a friend rather than mope and be sad alone in a hotel room.</p><p>In truth, Eunha was not the only person who called her up to hang out that night. Tzuyu called her right before she started getting ready for her night out. She tells Sana they were at their favorite restaurant for dinner and asks her if she wanted to eat and hang out with them.</p><p>“Is Momo going to be there?” Sana asks apprehensively, their conversation earlier that day and the way Momo left just rendered her broken. She doesn’t think she could face Momo again without falling completely into tiny, tiny pieces.</p><p>She hears Tzuyu hum in thought on the other end of the line, “<em>Hm. You’re not going if she’s here, are you?” </em></p><p>“Um. No..?” Sana replies reluctantly, Tzuyu's never been one to beat around the bush.</p><p>“<em>She’s not here, don’t worry.”</em></p><p>Sana thinks about it for a full minute. She believes Tzuyu but she just cannot risk seeing Momo; the band lives together, it’d be impossible for her not to be where they were even if she was late or something.</p><p>“I’d love to go and hang out but Eunha already beat you to it.” Sana tells Tzuyu, biting the inside of her cheek as she hopes that Tzuyu would understand.</p><p>The younger girl laughs, “<em>Eunha? Actress Eunha? The same Eunha who used to have a crush on you a few years ago? The same Eunha who kept saying she liked you on national TV? That Eunha?</em>”</p><p>Sana laughs along as well, “In her defense, she didn’t know I was with Momo when she was doing that. That was honestly a very awkward time and it was before we became friends.”</p><p>“<em>I remember Momo saying you were her girlfriend over and over again every time Eunha tried her moves on you.</em>” Tzuyu recalls lightheartedly, “<em>It was honestly the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed. The girl just couldn’t take the hint.</em>”</p><p>Sana’s laughter dies down gradually, the memory of Momo telling the world that they were together taking over her brain. Sana momentarily wishes she could go back to that time, where the idea of her and Momo together didn’t tear her heart into pieces.</p><p>Tzuyu clears her throat, and says “<em>I’m sorry, too soon,</em>” her tone rueful and apologetic, thinking she might have hit a sore spot.</p><p>“It’s okay, Tzuyu.” Sana says, her voice gentle.</p><p>On the other line, Tzuyu sucks in a breath, “<em>Okay. If you and Eunha finish early, you can come to us. Jeongyeon’s going back to the penthouse to take a shower later though, you can probably go with her. We’re going to be prepping gift bags for the bachelorette party tomorrow.</em>”</p><p>“That sounds fun, Tzu.” Sana tells her sincerely, reconsidering her decision not to go with them.</p><p>“<em>It is. I think Chaeyoung’s, uh… coming over as well,</em>” Tzuyu replies, voice quieting down when she says <em>Chaeyoung</em>.</p><p>Sana smirks knowingly, “That’s a name I haven’t heard from you in a while.”</p><p>“<em>Shut up. It’s impossible but I can actually hear you smirking over the phone,</em>” Tzuyu complains.</p><p>This makes Sana snicker, “Sorry, sorry. I’ll let you know, okay? I’m gonna get ready.”</p><p>“<em>Okay. Have a good time, unnie.</em>”</p><p>“You too.”</p><p>After the phone call, it was settled: Sana is going out with Eunha for the night. She dresses herself in a black polka dotted dress, pulls on a dirty white leather jacket over it, and steps into a pair of black ankle strap heels before leaving the hotel. She hails a cab and texts Eunha that she was on her way.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana arrives at the club and immediately looks for her friend. She spots her waving her over at a booth near the bar counter. Sana throws her a grin as she makes her way to Eunha, who seems very happy to see her.</p><p>The girl immediately wraps her in a bear hug, which Sana reciprocates instantly.</p><p>“I can’t believe it’s been two years!” Eunha notes incredulously as she sits back down. Sana takes a seat from across her and spreads her lips in a grin, “I know. A lot of things have changed.” She gives Eunha a pointed look, “Well, except you. You’re still so tiny.”</p><p>Eunha pouts, “Ha ha. You disappear for a couple of years and the very first thing you do is tease me.”</p><p>Sana laughs, “I’m sorry. I missed doing that, I didn’t really have friends to pick on back in Japan.”</p><p>“You’re the worst, Minatozaki.”</p><p>“Please, you wouldn’t miss me if I was.” Sana replies, looking smug as hell.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. Can you stop teasing me, we have a lot of things to catch up on!”</p><p>And so they order their drinks (a French 75 for Sana and an Amaretto Sour for Eunha), and they share a couple of sliders as they talk each other’s ears off about what has been happening to their lives the past two years. Sana leaves out the part about her and Momo’s impending divorce, she trusted Eunha but that would create a media shit storm if word ever got out. Momo and the band don’t need the extra stress that it might bring. She just tells Eunha what the band told the public: she was in dire need of a break from the chaos that came with a career in the limelight.</p><p>After half an hour of just talking and drinking, Sana could already feel her becoming woozy and the world slowly blurs away. She wasn’t really that good with alcohol, back then she was always the one who stopped drinking after just a few drinks. In the band, Jihyo was the champion when it comes to alcohol tolerance.  Sana excuses herself to go and freshen up in the ladies’ room.</p><p>“Okay,” Eunha replies, taking a sip of her fifth drink, “The comfort room’s just on the left corner.”</p><p>Sana nods and takes her purse before getting off her seat, catching a grip on the edge of the table before she could stumble. As she stalks her way to the bathroom, Sana sees someone familiar over at the bar.</p><p>Dark hair in messy waves, back slightly hunched over a few drinks.</p><p>“Momo?” Sana murmurs softly but she laughs to herself afterwards, thinking she must be <em>that </em>drunk to be seeing her here.</p><p>Besides, the girl was with a man and Momo didn’t really —</p><p>Before Sana could finish her train of thought, the girl turns to face her direction for a minute, she looks like she was looking around for something but she immediately turns away. But it was long enough to make Sana realize that she isn’t that drunk, it was her. <em>Momo.</em> She wasn’t just a figment of Sana’s intoxicated state, it really was her. And Sana begins to notice everything: how loud the music was becoming, how the world starting to spin faster than it had been earlier, how her insides are twisting terribly and how her limbs go numb when she sees that the man has one hand on Momo’s back.</p><p>Sana stands there, wanting to run out and break down but her feet remain frozen, her feet remain stuck on the floor as if they were designed to torture her and make her watch the woman she loves in another person’s arms.</p><p>She sees Momo get up from her chair and turn around. For a split second, they lock gazes, and Sana feels the first drop of tears stream down her cheeks.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo is becoming a little worried that some weirdo stalker from <em>Dispatch </em>is going to find her and it will be some big issue again. She could see the headlines already, “<em>Married, BDZ’s Momo finally moving on?”</em></p><p>She cringes. Nayeon would have a fit, so she looks around the bar for any signs of weirdos with huge ass cameras lurking somewhere in the area. But she finds none, not yet anyway. She catches a glimpse of someone familiar, but she shrugs it off because she knows she’s had one drink too many.</p><p>She turns back to down the last of her drink before ordering one more. The guy, <em>Kazuo</em>, she hasn’t left her the moment he sat next to her. Momo knows very well what he was there for, why he was buying her all these drinks. She knows he was just waiting for a sign, a green light, a signal that Momo was finally giving in. But she wasn’t. She was starting to get dizzy though, and she couldn’t care less about what Kazuo thought was going to happen because her mind was already preoccupied with thoughts of Sana, her light brown hair and her smile that could easily take over the world.</p><p>She doesn’t notice his hand slide down from her back to her waist until it was too late. He scoots closer and whispers lowly, “Let me take you home.”</p><p>Momo goes blank, she stares at him and he waits for her answer. She blinks, the dizziness fading away and she finds her voice.</p><p>“No. Leave me alone,” she hisses before stumbling away from his grasp. She turns around to leave and she sees <em>her, </em>just standing there.</p><p>She locks eyes with her and Momo’s momentarily stunned by how the world seemed to be pushing her and Sana to be in the same vicinity as each other.</p><p><em>Soulmates, I tell you, </em>Sana had once said. </p><p>Momo used to think it was incredible, now she just thinks it’s cruel.</p><p>Sana looks at her, tears sparkling against the lights, betrayed and broken. Momo looks back, chest feeling heavy, wanting to rush to Sana’s side and tell her <em>no, you’ve got it wrong. </em>She wants to tell her <em>I could never do that to you. </em>Momo wants to tell Sana that it was still her, that it will always be just her. But the minute her legs could move forward, Sana’s already gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>well, this took me so long to finish bc there was an influx of twice content the past two weeks lmao. the next chapter will come sooner, i think. thank u for reading!</p><p>songs mentioned are:<br/>dip you in honey - the wombats<br/>bullseye - aly and aj</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“I can’t stand you.”<br/>“Pretty bold statement for someone who was in love with me for five years.”<br/>“Six,” Momo says softly, “I was in love with you for six years.” </p><p>-</p><p>maybe there's still hope.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>five.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Her vision’s blurry, and her mind is in a haze, Sana lets her feet take her outside. She momentarily forgets that she left Eunha at the club because at that moment, all she could think of was Momo.</p><p>
  <em>Momo. </em>
</p><p>She shakes her head, trying to get rid of the image of the girl in the arms of another person but it was no use. The vision remains stuck in her brain, like wine spilled on an otherwise clean white cloth, bloodstain on the floor, mold in the ceiling; it stays there as Sana stumbles blindly on the sidewalk.</p><p>
  <em>Momo. </em>
</p><p>She desperately tries not to fall over and cause a scene, people still knew who she was and they would eat her like buzzards feasting on a rotting corpse if they saw her like this. She needed to get out of there, out of the open, and inside somewhere safe.</p><p>Sana ends up in an emptier part of the district, with only a few people seated on chairs and drinking ‘til their hearts content outside a chain of convenience stores and small karaoke bars. Sana hears the echo of their laughter in the empty street, and thinks about the sound of Momo’s laughter, she wonders if the guy she was with makes her laugh like that, like the way Sana used to.</p><p>The thought breaks her even more.</p><p>Momo was beautiful, and famous, and rich. Not only that, she was also kind, and warm, and funny, and she cooks good food. She would have no problem looking for and finding someone else, especially when she has the entire world at her feet. Momo finding someone else wasn’t implausible, Sana knows it’s always been a possibility. All the years she was gone, she was haunted by the thought of coming back and finding out that Momo had found someone else. And seeing it in action minutes ago, right in front of her eyes as her mind swam in ice and whiskey, made her feel like someone had torn her to pieces.</p><p>Sana just wishes it were true.</p><p>She continues walking aimlessly, her heels clacking loudly against the concrete, as she stares into the road.</p><p>Seoul has been nothing but cruel to her.</p><p>Sana laughs despite her tears.</p><p>It has been her home for years but ever since she came back, it feels like it was pushing her out, wanting her to leave and stay gone. All the signs of the universe point to the airport and a one way ticket back to Japan. Maybe it’s the glasses of alcohol finally catching up to her but she’s beginning to agree with the universe.</p><p>She laughs again, thinking that maybe she should just sign the god damn divorce papers and leave, that maybe she should just hop on a plane first thing in the morning and never look back this time around. A few bystanders look at her weirdly, Sana believes that they might think she’s crazy. Not that she can blame them, she looked like she got shat out of a camel’s ass; her makeup was runny, her hair was a mess, and she’s laughing out loud, alone and with tears in her eyes. The image of her looking like a crazy woman out on the streets makes her bellow in laughter even more. Her guffaws die down quickly when she hears footsteps behind her. Sana immediately tenses up and she begins walking faster, her fingers tightening their grip on her purse as she prepares to hit whoever it was if they try something funny. Whoever it was behind her seems to notice her picking up her pace and begins to do so as well.</p><p>“Fuck,” she mutters, cursing herself and her poor decision making skills. This was the last thing she needed. Sana breaks into a sprint.</p><p>“Sana!” the person calls her, loud enough for her to hear, “Fuck. Stop running.”</p><p>She slows to a stop. She knows that voice all too well. For a split second, she wants to run away and not look back, she wants not to care.</p><p>But she was Sana and she was weak when it comes to —</p><p>“<em>Momoring</em>,” she says with a giggle as she turns around and looks at her, not caring if Momo could see her tear streaked face. She stares back at the girl in front of her, trying to refocus her vision, but Sana’s head was spinning, and she begins to hate that she wore heels because she feels like she’s going to fall any second.</p><p>The other girl sighs in relief. “Since when were you able to run fast?” Momo asks with a lopsided smile.</p><p><em>‘Why are you here?’ </em>she wants to ask but she just giggles again, “I get fast when I get drunk, Momoring!”</p><p>“<em>No. </em>You get even more affectionate when you’re drunk, Satang.” Momo retorts with a soft chuckle and Sana feels like she’s twenty years old again, falling in love for the first time with a girl who reminds her of summer when she smiles.</p><p>
  <em>Why aren’t you back at the club with him?</em>
</p><p>“It’s true!” Sana argues, a small pout forming on her lips, “I can run again if you want!”</p><p>She intoxicated and she’s gotten good at lying.</p><p>Momo laughs again, “Stop. You’re drunk. I don’t think you should be alone.” She smiles at Sana and stretches out a hand, “Let’s get you out of here, okay?”</p><p>Sana takes Momo’s hand, feeling a familiar warmth envelop her when their fingers intertwine.</p><p>They still fit. After all this time, Momo’s touch still feels like home. Sana stares at her and wants to do nothing else but kiss her, tell her she loves her, and beg her to take her back.</p><p>But Sana smells the stench of alcohol on both their clothes, in their breaths, and she’s realizes that she’s twenty-seven, damaged almost beyond repair but still in love with the girl who’s broken her heart so many times. And she remembers the scene in the club earlier, she remembers Momo in some stranger’s arms.</p><p>
  <em>Why are you here, Momo? Why aren’t you with that guy?</em>
</p><p>Sana feels sudden surge of anger sweep across her chest, she wonders how Momo could stand there, smiling and laughing with her like they were fine, like Sana didn’t have mascara and eyeliner streaming down her face.</p><p>Her face twists in irritation as she pulls her hand out from Momo’s grasp. The latter’s eyes widen, and her smile disappear, caught off guard by Sana’s sudden movement.</p><p>“No,” she spits out, tone sharper than she intended, “I’m not going anywhere with you. What do you want?”</p><p>She was allowed to be angry, Momo’s been nothing but cruel as well.</p><p> “I saw you in the club. I, uh, wasn’t sure if it really was you but when I got a good look, you ran out,” she replies, cheeks red and looking almost sheepish against the glow of the street lamp.</p><p>Sana wants to vomit.</p><p> “And? You wanted me to say hi or something?” Sana glowers, eyebrows raised and lips pulled into a thin line.</p><p>“No, uh, I —”</p><p>“Cut the crap, Hirai. What do you want?” she asks again, harsher.</p><p>Sana wants to get out of there.</p><p>“Sana, I just wanted to tell you tha—“</p><p>Sana feels the bile rise up her throat and rushes to the side of the sidewalk before she hurls.</p><p>Momo breathes out, “I really should take you home.”</p><p>She reaches inside her bag and fishes out a wet wipe and walks over to where Sana was.</p><p>“You’re drunk,” she says softly as she hands the wipe over to her.</p><p>“So are you,” Sana replies, taking it and wipes her mouth with it, anger briefly dissipating. </p><p>“Not anymore.” Momo looks at her; Sana looked like a mess, dark streaks on her cheeks, lipstick almost gone.  Momo was dizzy, her vision’s beginning to double but she remains upright, her sense of responsibility and her concern for Sana plus the gnawing guilt from earlier outweighing her drunken state. So she sighs and extends her hand out again to the girl in front of her, “Let’s go home.”</p><p>Sana gapes at Momo’s hand, unable to process what the other girl had just said.</p><p>
  <em>Let’s go home.</em>
</p><p>It’s been years.</p><p>
  <em>Momo.</em>
</p><p>She feels like she could cry.</p><p>Sana wants her warmth, wants her love. So she breaks and takes her hand.</p><p>Momo can be cruel, but she is Sana’s home.</p><p>--</p><p>“<em>Jeong, please don’t forget to bring Mina’s hoodie.</em>”</p><p>The band’s penthouse wasn’t empty for the time being thanks to Jeongyeon going back there to rest and freshen up before spending her night at Mina and Nayeon’s apartment. She had just finished taking a shower and she was in the process of getting dressed when her phone rang just a few minutes ago.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. You already told me that even before I left.”  Jeongyeon replies with a huff, trying to put a fresh pair of sweatpants on while balancing her phone between her left ear and shoulder.</p><p>“<em>Well hurry up and get your ass back here,” </em>Nayeon whines, Jeongyeon hears Jihyo yell ‘<em>Don’t listen to her, she’s just gonna rope you into stuffing more gift bags’ </em>in the background followed by Tzuyu’s laughter.</p><p>“On second thought, I’m just gonna stay here instead. I’m kind of not in the mood to stuff goodies into bags. My hands are tired.” Jeongyeon says lightheartedly, grinning from ear to ear when she hears Nayeon booing her loudly and her other bandmate’s cackling.</p><p>“<em>You just love making me suffer, Yoo Jeongyeon</em>.”</p><p>“That’s what friends are for, grand —” Jeongyeon’s momentarily cut off by the sound of the front door opening. She turns her attention back to the conversation she’s having with Nayeon when she dismisses the sound, figuring that it was probably just her best friend, “— look, I’m on my way. See you later.”</p><p>“<em>Hurry up.” </em></p><p>“Yeah yeah.”</p><p>“<em>Mina’s hoodie!” </em>Nayeon interjects.</p><p>“I’m hanging up!” Jeongyeon retorts, smiling to herself when she hears her friends’ laughter again before ending the call. A loud thud coming from the direction of Momo’s room makes her get up and rush to her immediately.</p><p>“Mo? What’s wro — what the fuck?” she asks in disbelief, stopping at the doorway to stare and process what she was seeing in front of her.</p><p>Momo’s bathroom door was open wide and Momo was in clear view, sitting on the edge of the bath tub, looking flushed and drunk. Jeongyeon sees blonde hair bent over the toilet bowl and her face twists in disgust when she hears retching sounds and a splatter of liquid against water and porcelain.</p><p>“Hey. Sorry. Sana was about to, uh, puke again and she was rushing to go inside. Didn’t mean to scare you.” Momo says ruefully, an apologetic smile making its way to her lips.</p><p>Jeongyeon rolls her eyes, “I thought you fell over or something.” She sighs and walks over to her friends, “Did you guys go out drinking? Without me? I’m offended.”</p><p>Sana groans, reaching over to flush her puke down the drain.</p><p>“No. Not together, uh, I just happened to see her there.” Momo says, tripping over her words ever so slightly. Jeongyeon eyes her suspiciously, Momo immediately defends herself, “I’m telling the truth.”</p><p>“This is just like when we were in uni,” she exclaims, shaking her head, “Jesus. Exactly how much did you guys drink?” The three of them are now crowding the bathroom. Sana stands up and sluggishly makes her way to the sink to wash her hand and face. Momo reaches over the towel rack and hands Sana a towel after she finishes washing up. The latter takes it from her gratefully and begins to dry her face with it as she sits on the now closed toilet.</p><p>Jeongyeon leans sideways on the doorway, crossing her arms as she looks on, mildly amused at how domestic the two were acting.</p><p>“A lot. But I can handle my alcohol.” Momo replies with a smug smile on her face.</p><p>“You’re right. It’s this asshole we’re supposed to be worrying about.” Jeongyeon nods and motions to Sana who’s covering her face with her palms.</p><p>“I’m right here, you know.” Sana groans, shivering slightly, “And for your information I just drank five cocktails… maybe more, I don’t know, I lost count.”</p><p>Jeongyeon laughs loudly, “God. You’re such a lightweight, Minatozaki.”</p><p>Momo joins in and chuckles, “Remember when she got drunk after three cups of those spiked punches at Chungha’s party?”</p><p>“Oh, of course I do. She kept trying to kiss us and at the same time drunkenly introducing you as your fiancée, you guys weren’t even engaged yet.” Jeongyeon recalls, still laughing.</p><p>“Wife,” Sana mumbles, a small smile forming on her face, “I used to tell everyone she was my wife.”</p><p>The room falls quiet as their laughter slowly dies down. Sana looks at the tiled floor, realizing what she had just said. It wasn’t funny, it was a distant memory she’s sure Momo just wants to forget.</p><p>Momo averts her eyes, picking off invisible lint from her shirt. The three of them grow still, letting the silence stir.</p><p>After a moment, Jeongyeon clears her throat, “Yeah. Well, um, I’m going to Nayeon and Mina’s apartment. We’re packing gift bags for tomorrow, I’d ask you guys to come with me but —” she takes a look at her friends again, “you guys don’t look like you can last the night.”</p><p>Momo lets out a laugh as Sana looks up and shoos her friend, “Shut up and leave, Yoo Jeongyeon.”</p><p>Jeongyeon scoffs, “Oh wow, I just got here and you’re making me leave?” she shakes her head as she pretends to be disappointed in Sana’s behavior, “You work fast, Minatozaki.”</p><p>“Oh, if someone here knows how to work fast, it’s Momo. You should have seen her in action tonight.” Sana says casually, as if just thinking about it didn’t hurt her.</p><p>Momo sighs, “Really, Sana. Wow.”</p><p>She feels Momo’s stare bore into her but Sana refuses to meet her eyes.</p><p>Jeongyeon just looks at them in confusion, “Did something else happen?”</p><p>“No.” Momo replies, too quick, too dismissive. Sana lets out a frustrated breath.</p><p>“Ohh-<em>kay</em>.” Jeongyeon replies, she takes Jeongyeon’s dismissive tone as a <em>yes </em>and she decides that there really is something that must be done with the two of her friends but she lets them have this first, “I’m gonna go. I’ll see you two tomorrow.”</p><p>Jeongyeon gently pats the top of Sana’s head and gives Momo a small smile before she leaves. The two of them watch Jeongyeon disappear as she closes the door behind her.</p><p>They sit in silence inside the bathroom. It was not the comfortable kind, it was not the kind they used to have on peaceful nights before everything went wrong. It was nauseating and suffocating, Momo hates confrontations of any kind but she knows it bothered Sana so she doesn’t hold it against her when the latter decides to break it.</p><p> “I’m sorry. That was mean and really low of me.” Sana tells her, sighing in resignation but still refusing to look her in the eye.</p><p>“Sana.” Momo begins, keeping her gaze on her.</p><p>Sana’s unable to withstand the feeling of having Momo stare at her, the way Momo’s voice sounded; it was all it took anyway, so she relents, “Who was the guy?”</p><p>Momo hears her, voice laced with jealousy and despondency.</p><p>Sana feels pathetic.</p><p>Momo is done with her, they were still married on paper but it isn’t that long until that’s over, and Sana knows she’s lost all the rights to even ask Momo what she’s doing and she’s doing it with ever since Momo asked for a divorce.</p><p>“No one,” Momo replies, “He was just some guy who wanted to buy me a drink thinking he had a chance with me.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Yeah. I could never do <em>that </em>to you, Sana.” Momo tells her, Sana listens in and waits for one tiny slip up, for some indication that that meant Momo still loves her. She waits for one small crack of hope, all she hears is Momo’s quiet voice.</p><p>“We’re still married.” Momo adds quietly. <em>I still love you, </em>she finds herself wanting to say.</p><p><em>Is that it? </em>“Not for long, right?” Sana asks, hating how pathetic and broken she sounded.</p><p>“Right…” Momo says, trailing off, her previous thought dying before it could even escape from her lips. “I’m kind of dizzy,” she murmurs, changing the topic.</p><p>“How much did you drink?” Sana replies with a chuckle, taking the bait.</p><p>“I actually don’t know. I might be drunk. Not as drunk as you though,” she says proudly, an obnoxious smile on her face.</p><p>“Ugh. Shut up. I’m <em>not</em> gonna puke again.”</p><p>Momo laughs, getting off the tub, “I’m not risking that.”</p><p>“You’re <em>annoying!</em>” Sana whines while Momo washes her hands, “I’m really not going to puke again.”</p><p>“Still not risking anything.” Momo retorts, teasing and playful, “We should go to bed, it’s already pretty late.”</p><p>Sana nods, getting to her feet, “Yeah. I kinda want to change out of these clothes though but I didn’t bring any extra clothes,” she looks at Momo pointedly, “not like I knew I was going to sleep here.”</p><p>Momo rolls her eyes, “Wow. That’s a great roundabout way of saying you want to wear my clothes.”</p><p>Sana grins, “You know me so well.”</p><p>They were treading on dangerous territory, but the familiarity, the comfort, is just too strong for them to resist.</p><p>“I swear to god, Sana,” she says with a shake of her head. Sana laughs, watching her leave the bathroom. When Momo disappears completely, Sana walks over to the sink and rinses her mouth. She steps out to the bedroom and sees Momo rummaging her closet for a shirt.</p><p>“Where are my free clothes?” she singsongs gleefully. It’s the alcohol, she argues with herself, it’s not the longing at all. Momo turns around and hands her a plain white shirt, “Here you go, your highness.”</p><p>Sana takes it, still smiling. Momo doesn’t respond, momentarily stunned by how pretty Sana looked when she smiles. The vision used to be nothing but a memory, something Momo dreams about at night, something she thinks about when she’s lonely, when she’s missing her. Seeing it now made her feel like a blind man seeing color for the first time, like a child tasting ice cream for the first time.</p><p>“You can change here while I wash up,” she says stiffly, blinking herself out of the trance before rushing back to the bathroom. Sana remains standing beside the closet, confused.</p><p>--</p><p>Inside the bathroom, Momo runs the sink and washes her face. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and slaps herself.</p><p>“Momo, you are not weak. You are getting divorced, not reconciling,” she warns herself. Sana is dangerous and Momo is fragile, weak. All Sana would do is smile and she’ll find herself slipping. Momo hasn’t given in yet, hasn’t completely broken down all the walls she’s put up in Sana’s absence, but she’s getting there. When they first met, Sana’s smashed every reservation she didn’t even know she had, learned to climb over those walls, and built a home inside her heart. She was doing the very same thing now, and Momo was scared she might crack.</p><p>She rinses her mouth with mouthwash and dries her face after. She takes a deep breath before twisting the knob open and stepping inside the bedroom. Momo sees Sana sitting on the white plush carpet, scrolling through her phone, and her head leaning sideways on the mattress. She looks up when she notices Momo.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Hey,” Momo greets back, hesitantly walking over to her bed, “what are you doing on the floor?”</p><p>Sana watches Momo sit, “Um. I was waiting for you. I didn’t know where to sit.”</p><p>“Is this your first time sleeping over a girl’s house?” Momo scoffs, “You <em>lived </em>here.”</p><p>“Yeah. I <em>did.</em> Not anymore.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Momo dismisses, kicking her feet up and making herself comfortable on the bed, “we have no extra rooms, you know that. I blame our past selves for choosing to room together instead of getting separate room, so you’re gonna have to sleep with… <em>me. </em>I guess.”</p><p>Sana bites her lip and tries not to laugh, “Easy there, Hirai. I’m not an easy girl, you know.”</p><p>“Shut up. I’m begging you.” Momo groans, covering herself with her comforter. Sana’s laughter bounces off the walls and Momo slips and slips and slips. “I take it back. You sleep on the floor.”</p><p>“What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me dropping onto the mattress,” Sana says airily as she plops down the other side of the bed.</p><p>Momo pulls down the covers and stares at the ceiling, “You’re obnoxious.”</p><p>“<em>And</em> adorable.”</p><p>“I <em>can’t </em>stand you.”</p><p>“Pretty bold statement for someone who was in love with me for five years.”</p><p>“Six,” Momo says softly, “I was in love with you for six years.”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah.” Sana replies stiffly, the word <em>was </em>hitting her a little too hard.</p><p>Silence falls between them again, they both stare at the ceiling, unmoving, both scared and hesitant to close the distance separating them.</p><p>Momo’s slept alone for so long that having someone else on the bed feels so foreign, not to mention it was Sana beside her. She stays still, the softness of the mattress and hearing her breathe beside her reminds her of all the nights they spent together on this bed; fucking, sleeping, cuddling, playing dumb games, or talking about music, and food, and all the soulmate bullshit they used to believe in.</p><p>“<em>Maybe I knew you in a past life or something.” Momo tells her, rubbing Sana’s back mindlessly. </em></p><p>
  <em>“Hm. I think I knew you in all of mine, not just one.” Sana replies wistfully, pulling Momo closer. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Whatever the case is, I still think it’s both hilarious and amazing that we were at the same airport on the same day.” Momo says with a soft chuckle.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Me too. But if I’d met you back then, maybe things would be a little different you know? I could have loved you longer.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well, I’m yours forever. What’s the rush?” </em>
</p><p>She remembers lying in bed together that night with Sana in her arms wanting nothing to change. She was naïve and unsuspecting of the impending destruction that was about to come just a couple of years down the road.</p><p>They both were.</p><p>Momo begins to feel suffocated, stomach rumbling with something that isn’t hunger. She shifts and lies on her left side and hugs a pillow tight, desperate for something that would help her stop falling completely for Sana all over again, for something that would help her not let go of what little amount of self-control she has left.</p><p>“Good night, Momo.” Sana murmurs, lying still, eyes on the ceiling, blinking slowly as she waits for sleep to take her.</p><p>
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p><p>“Good night, Sana.” Momo replies, shutting her eyes.</p><p>
  <em>I love you too.</em>
</p><p>Sana swears she could hear Momo sobbing softly against the pillow but she argues to herself, <em>it’s just the alcohol. </em></p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then </span> </strong>
</p><p>It was another cancelled gig.</p><p>Nayeon was sick again and this time, she could barely get a word out of her mouth without her throat itching and scratching. So they all tagged Jihyo in as a substitute again, the crowd loved her and so did the manager. Jeongyeon decided to watch the girl perform as a sign of support and gratitude for covering their schedule. Sana and Momo on the other hand, decided to spend their night in Momo’s dorm room to rest.</p><p>“I kind of miss playing.” Sana mumbles, staring at the ceiling while beside her, Momo busies herself with a game she just downloaded on her phone.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“I said, I miss playing at 21:29. I miss the crowd there, and the free food.” Sana repeats with a groan.</p><p>Momo puts her phone on her bedside table, and looks at Sana, “Play for me.”</p><p>“You want me to play for you?” she replies seriously, “My talent fee’s really high, you don’t look like you can afford it,” the quirking of her lips betraying her tone.</p><p>Momo giggles, “You’re full of it.”</p><p>“Full of <em>looove, </em>you mean.” Sana counters, planting a loud obnoxious kiss on Momo’s cheek before sitting up and reach over for her guitar. Momo watches her with a smile, trying to ignore how her heart speeds up every time Sana kisses her.</p><p>“Can I just pay you with kisses or something?” Momo asks, placing her chin on her palm.</p><p>Sana shakes her head, “Sorry, kisses aren’t acceptable.”</p><p>“Yes they are, they were when I bought you dinner last night.”</p><p>“Semantics.”</p><p>Momo rolls her eyes making Sana break into a grin. She positions the guitar on her lap and holds it in place, “I wrote a song for you, by the way.”</p><p>“Really?” Momo asks, amused and expectant.</p><p>“Yep. You wrote the best song in existence for me, I think it’s only fair that I tried to write you one as well,” she says softly.</p><p>Momo feels warmth shroud around her as she stares at Sana who had a dumb goofy grin on her face, she takes a snapshot of it in her head and locks it away inside her heart for safekeeping.</p><p>“Well, good luck topping my song.” Momo tells her, tone haughty and face looking smug.</p><p>“Oh, I already am topping a lot of things, Hirai.”</p><p>“Shut up.” Momo says with a giggle, “Let’s hear it then, Minatozaki.”</p><p>“Oh you’re on.” Sana says, getting ready to play but she gets distracted by Momo. Her girlfriend was leaning on the headboard looking smug as all hell and all Sana could think of was tackling her into a hug and kissing her. She gapes, mouth slightly hung open.</p><p>“I don’t hear any singing,” Momo complains, cupping a hand on the shell of her ear as if she was waiting to hear something.</p><p>“Full of it.” Sana replies with an eyeroll.</p><p>“Full of <em>loooove, </em>right?” Momo retorts, snorting as she crosses her arms.</p><p>“I hate you.” Sana says scowling, lips in a pout.</p><p>“No, you don’t.”</p><p>“No, I don’t.” Sana relents immediately. Her hating Momo was utter bullshit, and she can’t even imagine it. Nothing could ever make her hate Momo.</p><p>Momo grins, “Let me hear it now?”</p><p>Sana clears her throat and gets into a much more comfortable position which involves having her left leg folded on the mattress and her right leg left dangling on the edge of the bed, “Lady, this song’s called <em>Baby </em>because you’re <em>my </em>baby.”</p><p>Momo snorts, trying to hold herself together when her girlfriend shushes her.</p><p>“<em>You know you love me. I know you care, just shout whenever and I’ll be there,” </em>Sana sings as she strums her guitar, “<em>You are my love, you are my heart. And we will never ever ever be apart.”</em></p><p>Momo isn’t able to hold her laughter in anymore so she erupts into a fit of guffaws, “You’re an asshole!”</p><p>Sana doubles over in laughter too, “I’m sorry!”</p><p>“You didn’t really write me one did you?” Momo asks after she catches her breath.</p><p>“No,” Sana says with a rueful smile on her face.</p><p>Momo smiles back, “It’s okay. I could like, write you a hundred songs, and all you have to do is keep loving me.”</p><p>Sana’s heart feels full, thanking all the gods for Hirai Momo.</p><p>“That’s cheesy. You sound like you’re in love with me or something.”</p><p>“Do I?” Momo asks, playing along.</p><p>“Yeah, you do.”</p><p>“Is that a problem?”</p><p>“Normally, I don’t mind having beautiful ladies like you confess that they’re in love with me but I’m already taken.” Sana tells her with a shrug, tone serious.</p><p>“Oh, are you? Tell me about her?”</p><p>“She’s…” <em>the best thing that’s ever happened to me, </em>“…pretty<em>.” </em></p><p>Momo quirks up an eyebrow, “Pretty?”</p><p>Sana smirks and nods, “Yep. And smart, not just booksmart but street smart as well. She’s good with drums. She’s really wise and she’s a good cook —”</p><p>“The only thing she’s cooked for you so far are eggs and instant ramyeon.”</p><p>“—And those are the best dishes in the world.” Sana trails off dreamily.</p><p>“Well, she sounds like a great girl.”</p><p>“She is.” Sana looks at Momo, gaze tracing the surface of her face, the curve of her lips, her cheekbones. Sana wants to give her the entire universe.</p><p>“I love you, Satang.” Momo tells her, eyes soft and voice gentle. Sana’s overwhelmed by the sheer honesty of the sentiment, she feels her eyes well up.</p><p>“That’s embarrassing.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>“I love you too, Momoring.”</p><p>--</p><p>Sana ends up writing a song for her three days after their conversation. Momo sees ‘<em>Pink’ </em>on top of a stationary pad and immediately recognizes Sana’s neat handwriting.</p><p>‘<em>One kiss and I’m already on my knees. Baby, have mercy on my soul</em>.’</p><p>She smiles to herself and thanks all the gods for Minatozaki Sana.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>“God.” Nayeon mumbles, thumb moving up and down her phone screen.</p><p>Just a few minutes ago, she’d decided to take a break and lounge on their couch as she scrolls through Instagram while her friends and fiancée busy themselves with chitchat and food. She saw the usual, harmless posts by the people she follows and decided to move to Twitter. Her head almost exploded when she saw Momo trending. Now, she’s reading a bunch of tweets about her friend.</p><p><strong>that one arthur meme</strong> @tzutzu0614 · 2h<br/>ya’ll are not gonna believe this but I saw momo at one of the bars in itaewon and holyshit she’s with someone</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 2h<br/>OOMF YOU BETTER SPILL</p><p><strong>that one arthur meme</strong> @tzutzu0614 · 2h<br/>Replying to @momosdrums<br/>she was with a guy i almost screamed sjksjdsjlsjdl</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 2h<br/>Replying to @tzutzu0614<br/>WHAT. UR KIDDING KJFLFLKFLK;SD;LF</p><p><strong>that one arthur meme</strong> @tzutzu0614 · 2h<br/>Replying to @momosdrums<br/>I’m really not sjlsjlskdlf look</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon sees a set of pictures attached to the tweet; it was dark, only the faint lights of the club illuminating the entire area. There was a guy in a dark jacket, his arms around a girl. The girl’s face wasn’t clearly seen in the first two pictures but in the shots that followed, Nayeon could easily make out Momo’s face. She sighs deeply.</p><p> </p><p><strong>LEAVE SANA ALONE</strong> @sanasuperior · 2h<br/>Replying to @momosdrums @tzutzu0614<br/>wow she’s really moving on. Bummer.</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 2h<br/>Replying to @sanasuperior<br/>LMAO wdym bummer? she’s allowed to!!! it’s normal!</p><p><strong>LEAVE SANA ALONE</strong> @sanasuperior · 1h<br/>Replying to @momosdrums<br/>girl, she’s still married???</p><p><strong>BDZ OT4 </strong>@MOMOCHINE · 1h<br/>Replying to @sanasuperior<br/>they’re DIVORCED. Stop your old ass samo agenda</p><p><strong>TZUYU BEST GIRL </strong>@chouchewyy · 1h<br/>Replying to @MOMOCHINE<br/>really? then explain these</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon sees another set of pictures attached, this time they were pictures of Sana and Momo; holding hands, smiles on their face, cheeks looking slightly red as they walk in the streets of Seoul like they just had a date night out in the city.</p><p> </p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 1h<br/>Replying to @chouchewyy @MOMOCHINE<br/>HOLY SHLKDJFOEIGJFKLDKSL I’M FREAKING OUT OOMF WTF SJDL;JSLKDSLKD;</p><p><strong>kya </strong>@bassgirljeongie · 1h<br/>Replying to @momosdrums @chouchewyy @MOMOCHINE<br/>SAMO??!!! SAMO??!!!!!!!!?!?! I’M FREAKING OUT? I’M ABOUT TO COMBUST HAJKSJLSKDLFLDJFL</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 1h<br/>Replying to @bassgirljeongie @chouchewyy<br/>omggg after so many years ohmygod I think I’m gonna cry pls tell me they’re back together pls</p><p><strong>BDZ OT4 </strong>@MOMOCHINE · 1h<br/>Replying to @momosdrums<br/>Publicity</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 1h<br/>Replying to @MOMOCHINE<br/>girl, BDZ’s on a break, they don’t have anything to promote.</p><p><strong>kya </strong>@bassgirljeongie · 1h<br/>Replying to @MOMOCHINE<br/>we don’t really know for sure but can you stop being negative? Get outta here</p><p><strong>that one arthur meme</strong> @tzutzu0614 · 2h<br/>Replying to @bassgirljeongie<br/>wow momo works hard ajksdjsldksl</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon looks up from her phone, “Have you guys checked Twitter? Momo’s with —”</p><p>“—Sana.” Jeongyeon finishes her sentence as she busts inside the apartment.</p><p>“It’s all over Twitter.” Nayeon remarks, handing Jihyo her phone, letting her see for herself.</p><p>“It is?” Jeongyeon asks, then she shrugs, “Figures. It’s Friday, everyone’s basically out partying, so they were bound to be seen somehow.”</p><p>Nayeon looks at Jeongyeon in confusion, “You haven’t checked Twitter yet? How come you knew they were together?”</p><p>“Oh, they were at the penthouse together.” Jeongyeon says casually. Her friends whip their heads to face Jeongyeon, their faces showing varying levels of confusion.</p><p>“What? Are they back together?” Jihyo asks her, passing the phone back to a frustrated looking Nayeon, who takes it and leans on Mina’s shoulder. Mina rubs her arm gently, immediately calming her down.</p><p>“No.” Jeongyeon replies, dropping herself on the couch.</p><p>“Momo was also with some guy.” Nayeon tells her, lips turning down in a slight frown.</p><p>Jeongyeon closes her eyes, “That explains the weird moment earlier with the two of them. Something happened.”</p><p>Nayeon sighs, “Momo and I talked earlier.” Everyone looks at her, waiting for her to continue, “I told her to stop messing with Sana if she really was done with her.”</p><p>“Obviously she still isn’t.” Jeongyeon sighs.</p><p>“Well, they still love each other. It’s clear as day,” Mina replies, “they aren’t exactly subtle about it. Momo’s clearly projecting and Sana’s too wrapped up in guilt to even notice.”</p><p>“They’re too… <em>disruptive. </em>They’re bound to implode if they keep this up.” Jihyo mutters, leaning back on the edge of the couch.</p><p>“They already had their backslide during the night of the concert. So, I’m pretty sure the implosion you’re talking about is going to happen real soon,” the oldest sighs.</p><p>“Figures.” Jihyo mumbles.</p><p>“Okay. I’ve had it. Something needs to be done.” Tzuyu exclaims, voice firm and resolute. The youngest hasn’t really spoken a lot about the situation, but they all know she was just observing, waiting for the right time to speak her mind.</p><p>“What else can we do?” Nayeon asks, desperation coloring the tone of her voice.</p><p>Jeongyeon laughs, “Oh please. I’m Yoo Jeongyeon. I always have a plan.”</p><p>Nayeon rolls her eyes, “Alright. Let me call your publicist first though. I need to take care of those pictures in case more media gets a hold of them.”</p><p>“You’re on a break.” Jihyo giggles.</p><p>“If I didn’t love you guys so much I would have run away with Mina the moment your concert was over.”</p><p>Tzuyu looks at her fondly, “We really wouldn’t last without you.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Although nothing much really changes between Nayeon and Mina after Mina kisses Nayeon in front of the bar goers except for them being much more affectionate with each other, there were still <em>more </em>things to learn and discover about each other, like how Nayeon’s heart flutters every time she sees how beautiful Mina looked when she falls asleep on Nayeons lap looking like Sleeping Beauty come to life and how Mina not-so-subtly checks out Nayeon’s butt when she’s in front of her.</p><p> It’s safe to say Nayeon’s glad that things were official.</p><p>Before, she acted nonchalant and told her friends that she was just biding her time before she took things further with Mina but the truth was she was scared. She was head over heels for her, Nayeon was sure of it. To Nayeon, Mina is springtime; she is calm, blossoming with new life and the kind of positivity that doesn’t need to be loud and in-your-face about it for it to have an impact on someone. Mina reminds her of a fresh start, reminds her that it is never too late to change and become better. Nayeon was scared to fall completely, because the thing about falling is that it’s much scarier when you don’t know what’s waiting for you below.</p><p>Mina had feelings for her, Nayeon was sure of that. The only thing she was not sure of was if those feelings are <em>enough, </em>if she was important enough to earn a spot in Mina’s future. Mina was a prodigy, the golden child, and she seemed to have her life figured out, had her future set, and Nayeon was afraid of getting in the way of that. So, she tiptoed over the edge, and walked on eggshells around Mina. She showed her affection just enough to let Mina know that she was very important to Nayeon, but not too much of it to ever let them cross a line. She waits in fear until Mina was sure and she was more than happy when Mina decided to take the leap. Nayeon figured she might as well jump in headfirst with her, the fall was scary but at least she now knew Mina was going to catch her.</p><p>“Hey, Mina?” Nayeon asks her during one of their weekend dates. They step outside the mall, having just finished watching a movie about some female assassin who falls in love with her target Nayeon has been so adamant on watching, and decide to walk around for a while. Their hands fit together perfectly, it’s already been months since they got together but the warm feeling Nayeon gets every time they held hands, or kissed, or hugged, or do pretty much anything else, still hasn’t worn off. And Nayeon thinks it never will.</p><p>“Yeah?” Mina replies, looking at her as she waits for Nayeon to continue.</p><p>“If it comes to it, what would you choose? Love or duty?” Nayeon continues, gaze dropping to their intertwined hands between them. She hears Mina’s soft laughter.</p><p>“What brought this on, love?” Mina asks with an amused smile.</p><p>“The movie fucked me up real hard, okay?” Nayeon says, pouting and her tone a mix between defensive and whiny.</p><p>Mina chuckles but she decides to give her an answer anyway, “If I had to choose? I’d choose love.”</p><p>“I figured you would.” Nayeon replies, genuinely unsurprised. During the early stages of their friendship, Mina has always seemed to be responsible to a fault, it always seemed like responsibility outweighed everything else. But after getting to know her, Nayeon realizes Mina was the kind of person who loved deeply and truly, and she realizes that there was nothing scarier than that.</p><p>“Mm. What about you though? Love or duty?” Mina asks, throwing the question back at her.</p><p>The air begins to feel much colder than it was earlier, Nayeon shivers lightly.</p><p>She thinks about it for a while, her steps faltering a little as she does.</p><p>“Duty.” Nayeon finally answers.</p><p>“Hm.” Mina replies thoughtfully.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“That’s a little unexpected, Nay.” Mina says with a chuckle.</p><p>Nayeon raises her eyebrows, surprised by her statement, “Really? Babe, I’m on the university student council. I’m <em>very</em> responsible.”</p><p>Mina gives her a smile, “Well, as I’ve come to know, you love fiercely. And you’d do anything for the people you love.”</p><p>“I would,” Nayeon replies with a nod, “The thing about duty is that most of the time people do it because they’re compelled to, that most of the time they don’t have to like doing it to do it, you know? But sometimes, people do it because they <em>actually</em> <em>want</em> to.”</p><p>Mina listens and waits for her to continue. Nayeon tucks their intertwined hands inside her coat pocket, making Mina feel warm all over before she continues, “You, for example, you’re my girlfriend and I’m responsible for making you happy, making you feel good, supporting you, wanting what’s best for you. And I do all those with no problem. I do what I <em>have</em> to do because I <em>want</em> to, because I love you.”</p><p> “I get it,” Mina tells her, a wistful smile on her lips, “In that sense, I guess love and duty really aren’t that different.”</p><p>Nayeon laughs, “Yeah, to me they really aren’t.”</p><p>“You kinda sound like you’d be one self-sacrificing idiot, the hero type that gets herself killed if it means other people get to live.”</p><p>“That is because I <em>am </em>a self-sacrificing idiot that gets herself killed for the sake of others.”</p><p>“Gee, they didn’t tell me I was going to be a widow so early. Is it too late to like, back out?” Mina jokes, pretending to be panicked.</p><p>“Oh, it’s too late. Everyone already knows you’re in love with me.” Nayeon says complacently.</p><p>“I’m <em>not </em>in love with you,” Mina rebuts dramatically, “who even told you that?”</p><p>“Uh, the girl who kissed me in front of a lot of people?”</p><p>“Wow. That girl’s really shameless.”</p><p>Nayeon nudges her shoulder gently, giggling. Mina nudges her back.</p><p>They walk in silence, falling into step with each other as they roam the sidewalk until they reach Mina and Jihyo’s shared apartment.</p><p>“<em>Tadaima,</em>” Mina whispers.</p><p>Nayeon lets out a giggle, “That’s means ‘<em>I’m home’</em> right?”</p><p>Mina nods.</p><p>“How do you reply to that again?”</p><p>Her girlfriend gives her a smile, “<em>Okaeri. </em>Why?<em>”</em></p><p>“Okaeri.” Nayeon repeats after her, still smiling, “Well, after we both graduate I might be the one telling you that and not Jihyo.”</p><p>Mina scoffs, lifting an eyebrow in amusement, “Someone’s looking too far ahead into the future.”</p><p>Nayeon shrugs, “Eh. I like my chances.”</p><p>They stand there grinning dumbly at each other for a full minute before letting go.</p><p>Mina looks beautiful, eyes glistening under the front porch light, and Nayeon kisses her softly as she catalogues the image inside her memories.</p><p>They last for an entire year before things take a bad turn.</p><p>--</p><p>It all starts going downhill for them when Nayeon gets sick again.</p><p>She thinks it’s just a normal flu; she’s coughing all over the place, and her throat feels terrible and hoarse that she’s unable to sing, or even speak in worse cases. They cancel gigs to let her recuperate and get better. Jihyo covers for them; as she should, Nayeon often tells them, there was no one better at singing than her. Nayeon trusts her and she respects her talent; Jihyo sounds like a fucking angel.</p><p>Mina and her friends take turns in taking care of her, but most of the time Nayeon tells them she can do it on her own and that they didn’t need to stop doing the things they were already planning on doing just for her sake. It’s just a normal flu after all.</p><p>But she’s sick more often, more gigs get cancelled, and the hoarseness in her throat gets worse every time. The time she feels a lump in her throat when she swallows is the time she decides to get medical assistance.</p><p>Mina was busy preparing for their monthly evaluation while Momo and Jeongyeon were off on a class trip. So Sana is the one who takes her to the doctor and helps her get checked. They run some tests and she’s told to come back a week after and it’s the first time in so long that Nayeon feels a huge pit of dread form in her stomach.</p><p>She spends the week trying to distract herself from the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that something terrible was going to happen. She keeps a smile on her face, goes on with her day like everything is normal but her smiles don’t quite reach her eyes like they usually do, her laugh doesn’t seem genuine, it was tainted with pain, with fear.</p><p>Mina notices this almost immediately, they’re in Nayeon’s dorm room on a Wednesday night and she easily takes note of how Nayeon’s doing a pretty terrible job of pretending she hadn’t been staring at the same page of her notebook for almost half an hour. She stares at Nayeon from the footboard, contemplating on how to bring it up.</p><p>“Baby.” Mina says lightly, watching her girlfriend for any sort of reaction. Nayeon’s gaze remains stuck on the page. Mina sighs, she scoots closer to Nayeon’s foot and begins to tickle through her socks. That snaps Nayeon out of her trance, she giggles and looks over at Mina as she tries to evade her girlfriend’s tickles.</p><p>“You weirdo, I’m studying.” Nayeon tells her, laughing softly.</p><p>Mina stops and pulls her fingers back to look Nayeon in the eye, “Is there something wrong, Nay?”</p><p>Nayeon’s eyebrows shoot up, surprised by the question, “I was teasing you, dummy.”</p><p>“No, baby,” Mina replies with a shake of her head, “not that. You’ve been so out of it lately. Are you okay?”</p><p>Nayeon looks away quickly, she drops her gaze back to her notebook and clears her throat, “Sorry. I’m just nervous and scared.”</p><p>“Nervous? Scared of what?”</p><p>
  <em>I’m scared that there might be something wrong with me. </em>
</p><p>Nayeon considers telling Mina all about her worries, she’s her girlfriend, her confidant, one of her best friends. If Nayeon had to tell someone it had to be Mina. But fear wins over her, she’s afraid that if she tells her, it becomes real. And besides, the test results weren’t out yet, so maybe she was just overthinking things.</p><p>No use stressing everyone else out, she tells herself inwardly.</p><p>So Nayeon lies for the first time in their relationship.</p><p>“Nothing big, baby. Just scared of failing the exams when I’m about to graduate,” she tells her, the lie rolling off her tongue like melted metal as she does her best to give Mina a bright smile.</p><p>Mina doesn’t buy it, Nayeon figures from the way her brows are furrowed together.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>Nayeon nods, “Yeah. Come cuddle with me though, I’ll feel much better.”</p><p>Mina relents, she moves over to Nayeon’s side and hugs her from behind. “Better?” Mina asks, planting a kiss at the top of Nayeon’s head.</p><p>“Much better.”</p><p>At least that one was only half a lie.</p><p>--</p><p>The day of judgement, as Nayeon dubbed it, finally comes and Nayeon’s footsteps feel heavy on the tiled hospital floor. Every step feels like she’s carrying a ball and chain, and her heart was raging against her chest. She does her best to keep her fingers from shaking as she pushes the door to her doctor’s office open.</p><p>“Good morning, Miss Im,” the doctor greets her with a warm smile, Nayeon starts to think that maybe things weren’t bad after all, that maybe she was about to her good news.</p><p>“Hi,” she replies, taking a seat in front of the desk.</p><p>The doctor, <em>Dr. Ahn,</em> keeps her smile plastered, “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“I’m feeling much better. My throat still hurts a little when I talk though.”</p><p>Dr. Ahn nods, “Alright. Well, I have your results here, and I remember you telling me you sing for a living?”</p><p>“Yes. I have a band and we have a steady gig at a music bar.” Nayeon fidgets, her nails scraping off the light purple nail polish Sana had painted on the night before.</p><p>“Have you ever thought of stopping?” the doctor asks.</p><p>Nayeon blinks in confusion, wondering why the doctor was suddenly bringing that up, “Um. No..?”</p><p> “Miss Im,” Dr. Ahn says, pausing to look at her in the eye, “we found nodules on your vocal cords.”</p><p>Nayeon leans back a little, hands feeling clammy as she continues scraping off her nail polish, “Nodules…?”</p><p>“They’re callus-like growths on your vocal cords, Miss Im. They’re usually caused by vocal misuse or some other form of vocal trauma like smoking, screaming, excessive talking and, alcohol consumption, in your case this might have been from your constant singing.”</p><p>Nayeon swallows, beginning to feel numb.</p><p>“I’m afraid your singing has caused a strain.”</p><p>“H-How though? I don’t even belt out high notes that much. I-I — how could this happen..?” she stutters, trying to find it in herself to string words together when she was tearing apart inside.</p><p> “Nodules are normal disorders for singers, Miss Im. You also told me before that you drink alcohol —”</p><p>Nayeon’s face twists in anger, hating what the doctor was implying.</p><p>“Occasionally! I’m not an alcoholic! You think I spend my nights partying constantly and drinking myself to an early grave?! I take care of myself enough!” she yells defensively.</p><p>Nayeon’s chest feels heavier by the second, a dozen of thoughts run around her mind as she tries to process what the doctor was saying. She begins to feel like she can’t breathe, like the walls were closing in on her. She takes a few minutes to even let another word out.</p><p>“Can it be treated?” she asks in small voice, Nayeon feels small, like she was a five year old girl left alone in a crowded mall asking for help from the helpdesk.</p><p>“There are cases where they go away on their own by resting your vocal cords —”</p><p>“Okay! That’s good then, doctor. This, uh, this is good. It’s a lesson that I need to slow down and rest.”</p><p> “Miss Im, please let me finish. Although rest is needed, surgery and therapy are the most effective ways of treatment.”</p><p>Nayeon lets out a heavy breath. “I-I’ll be okay after that then, doc?” She tries to ignore the world ending around her, tries to ignore the ache in her heart that was growing and growing as seconds pass.</p><p>“Yes, however,” the doctor pauses and looks at her, Nayeon tries not to cry, “nodules may come back even after undergoing surgery.”</p><p>“Does that mean I have to stop singing…?” Nayeon asks her, unable to wrap her head around the mere thought of it. She loved singing ever since she was a kid. She was a cliché, a girl who treated it as her escape from the pressures of being a perfect girl. But singing gave her the freedom she needed, but that freedom is apparently short-lived.</p><p>“No. Of course not.” The doctors tells her, “I’m not saying you should stop, Miss Im. I’m saying you should think about it. Your health must always come first.”</p><p>Nayeon feels alone; she wants nothing more than to run to her childhood home, lock the door behind her and bury herself in the thick covers on her bed, she wants to disappear, wants to go back to when things were okay.</p><p>“Give it some thought, Miss Im. You can always call when you’re ready for the surgery.”</p><p>Nayeon nods and stands up, her movements were robotic, and lifeless as she heads to the door. But she lets any drop of tear fall on her cheeks when she closes the door behind her.</p><p>--</p><p>Her first thought is to call and tell Mina, after all she was the one Nayeon runs to first when something bad happens. So, Nayeon calls her as she sobs and waits for her to answer.</p><p>But Mina doesn’t.</p><p>All Nayeon hears besides the sound of the bustling campus filled with other students who were going about another normal day in their lives is the constant beep of her phone and the sound of <em>the number you have dialed is out of reach </em>over and over again. She gives up and finds herself lifelessly dragging herself across the campus quad as she tries to find someplace where she could be alone.</p><p>Her phone buzzes a few minutes after.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>minari &lt;3</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[2:33]</strong>
</p><p>Baby, sorry I can’t answer rn.</p><p>I’m about to perform, final evals remember?</p><p>I’ll see you tonight, okay? I love you.</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>Of course, </em>Nayeon thinks to herself, her heart feeling heavier. Mina had a life outside their relationship; she is a prodigy, she is busy. And Nayeon tells herself what she’s told herself once she started feeling something more than just attraction for her: Mina has goals, and Nayeon isn’t and <em>will never </em>get in the way of that. She swallows her sadness and resigns to deal with her problems alone.</p><p>
  <strong>Me</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[2:35]</strong>
</p><p>it’s okay :)</p><p>good luck, baby!!</p><p>see you tonight!!!</p><p>i love you too.</p><p>She spends the rest of the afternoon sitting on the bench as she stares at the grass.</p><p>--</p><p>Nayeon goes to their usual diner and waits for Mina to show up. She spends the entire walk to the diner debating to whether or not tell Mina about the results, to whether or not ask her if she should either sing or just give up. She sits in their usual booth, stirring, fidgeting, and trying her best not to dissolve into tears.</p><p>But Mina was late. Absolutely, totally late. Almost thirty minutes.</p><p>"Miss, if your acquaintance doesn't show up, we're going to need to give your table to someone else," says the waiter, looking strained.</p><p>Nayeon shakes her head. "She'll be here," she insists, checking her phone.</p><p>She isn’t totally standing her up, is she? She doesn’t have those surprise study sessions or rehearsals Mina sometimes has, right? Nayeon isn’t going to sit there like an idiot, waiting for her girlfriend to show up, Mina wouldn’t do that.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>The waiter had turned to leave; instinctively she asks the waiter to add a shot of bourbon to her Coke.</p><p>No, a double shot. Her vocal cords were already fucked up, why start being careful now.</p><p>"Miss, can't you just relocate to the bar?" the waiter pleads. Nayeon allows a flicker of annoyance to cross her face, she knows the guy is just doing his job but she was feeling sensitive and irritable, she feels guilty nonetheless.</p><p>"I will give you the greatest tip known to mankind if you just let me keep this table for another fifteen minutes. She's coming,” she sighs, “I know she is."</p><p>The waiter looks tense. "Fine." He hasn’t been gone for five seconds before that familiar head of raven-colored hair bursts through the door, and Nayeon watches in relief as Mina looked around for her. Maybe she should call out to her —except she spots her, her beautiful face lighting up. Nayeon’s chest feels lighter although her heart still hurts the same.</p><p>"Love, I'm sorry I'm late, the deliberations took too long and I had to get gas.” Mina says as she approaches Nayeon’s booth, taking a folded receipt out of her purse and plants it on the table.</p><p>"And why the hell do I want to see your receipt, Myoui?" Nayeon asks, amused.</p><p>"Just Myoui tonight, huh? It was baby just earlier today. And it’s so you know I'm not lying to cover my ass, Im," says Mina, shrugging, and Nayeon doesn't think she'd ever wanted to kiss her senseless more in her life. It was easy being with her, just hearing the sound of her voice made Nayeon feel less like shit and made her feel <em>safe.</em></p><p>“I trust you with my life.” Nayeon replies.</p><p>Mina beams at her, and Nayeon feels her sadness melt away almost completely. Emphasis on the almost.</p><p>"Did you order yet, love?"</p><p>"No, just a—"</p><p>"Your double-bourbon-and-Coke, ma’am," the waiter says on cue, smirking ear to ear as he places the drink down on a coaster. Mina raises an eyebrow. "Drinking alone, huh?"</p><p>Nayeon's blush had absolutely nothing to do with the waiter smirking at her.</p><p>"I was thirsty," was her lame defense.</p><p>"Well, okay," Mina says, looking amused. "I'll have an iced tea," she tells the waiter, who nods, still smirking at Nayeon.</p><p>"I told you she was coming," she tells him indifferently, reaching for her drink. The waiter just snickers and leaves them alone.</p><p>Mina giggles, “Were you betting if I wasn’t gonna show up or something?”</p><p>“Or something. I feel like I should be sulking because you were late.” Nayeon begins to pout.</p><p>Her girlfriend laughs, “Aw, come on! There’s a reason why the deliberations ran late!”</p><p>“Hm? And what reason could that be?”</p><p>“I got accepted in an internship, Nay!” Mina tells her, voice laced with excitement and just pure joy, “Not just <em>any </em>internship. It’s for a huge ballet company in Paris! In <em>Paris!”</em></p><p>Nayeon’s breath hitches for a moment. There was her answer. There was no way she is going to tell Mina about her situation.</p><p>
  <em>She’s leaving.</em>
</p><p>Her smile freezes halfway as she blinks back the tears she could feel forming. She stares at Mina and feels a deep pit form inside her stomach. And she notices Mina’s face fall, noticeably confused by Nayeon’s reaction, well, the lack thereof.</p><p>Nayeon regains her sense and laughs awkwardly, setting her drink aside and reaching over to hold Mina’s hand, “H-Holy shit! That’s — that’s really great! Congratulations! I’m proud of you, love.”</p><p>She means it wholeheartedly, Mina’s hardwork has paid off, her skills were topnotch, it’s not a surprise that she got accepted.</p><p>
  <em>She’s leaving.</em>
</p><p>Mina smiles back, lifting Nayeon’s hand in hers and kissing it softly, “Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.”</p><p>Her eyes are already probing Nayeon’s face for any other indicators of a problem. Her sudden less than normal behavior never going unnoticed.</p><p>"So… why did you call me this afternoon?” Mina asks her.</p><p>Nayeon frowns, not wanting to lose a few minutes of peace and denial, “I-I just missed you, Minari.”</p><p>
  <em>She’s leaving.</em>
</p><p>“That’s it?” Mina questions, eyes still doubtful.</p><p>“Yeah,” Nayeon discovers she’s a little good at lying.</p><p><em>She’s leaving to follow her dreams, </em>she repeats to herself.</p><p>“Mina,” Nayeon begins.</p><p> “Yes?”</p><p>Nayeon thinks of her baggage, what the doctor told her that afternoon. And thinking about subjecting Mina to that kind of pain hurt her even more than the result itself. Nayeon was sick, and she was losing her sense of self. She was going to hold the love of her life back, going to be a huge bump in the road in Mina’s journey in achieving her dreams.</p><p>Mina was going to suffer with her if they stay together.</p><p><em>I’m not going to get in the way of that, </em>she tells herself. She isn’t going to tell her, Mina doesn’t need any of that shit right now.</p><p>Nayeon looks at their entwined fingers and forces herself to smile, wondering how much longer she’s going to last without crumbling, “I love you.” It comes out weak, and desperate, but Nayeon just hopes Mina doesn’t notice.</p><p>“I love you too, Nay.” Mina replies, looking back at her, not oblivious at all to the fact that Nayeon’s smile still didn’t quite reach her eyes.</p><p>--</p><p>Nayeon goes back to her dorm room that night, ignoring Mina’s probing yet worried looks as she scurries away, barely holding it together.</p><p>She sees the empty room and doesn’t even bother turning the lights on as she falls to her knees, finally, <em>finally </em>allowing herself to completely fall apart. She sits on the floor, at the space near the edge of her bed and hugs her knees as she breaks. She’s overwhelmed, plagued by fear and anxiety; she could still sing but she’s going lose her vocal range. And even then, she’s beginning to doubt if it’s worth risking her health again.</p><p>It was all too good to be true anyway; she had Mina, her band, her fulfilling academic life, and she was foolish to even think for one second that she was going to have those forever.</p><p>Maybe she’d done some heinous crime in her past life, maybe she deserves this.</p><p>Maybe.</p><p>Nayeon wasn’t sure. All she knows is she is an absolute fool.</p><p>She buries her face in her knees as her pained sobs echo inside the dark room, she doesn’t notice the door crack open until it was too late.</p><p>“Nayeon?”</p><p>She looks up and sees her roommate, who sees her wet face and immediately rushes to her side, not giving Nayeon any chance to say anything else.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Sana asks her, voice full of concern, arms wrapping around Nayeon. She takes the bait, surrendering in Sana’s arms as she tells her friend everything she’s been holding in since her visit to the doctor’s office that morning.</p><p>“Nayeon, it’s okay. I know you’re scared but after surgery and the therapy your doctor told you about, you can still sing!”</p><p>“And then what? Then these nodules come back and I’d have to go through this all over again?”</p><p>Sana gets what Nayeon is feeling, her stomach twists meanly at the thought of losing everything she has all at once.</p><p>So she doesn’t contest, doesn’t disagree.</p><p>“Get the proper treatment first, Nay. Don’t think about what to do until after,” she tells her,<br/> “Did you tell Mina? Who else knows?”</p><p>“No. Just you.”</p><p>“Shouldn’t you talk to her as well? Maybe she’ll help you decide?”</p><p>Nayeon sighs, her voice cracking, too overwhelmed by the heavy ache in her chest, “I can’t. I can’t do it. Not yet.”</p><p> “She loves you, Nay.” Sana tells her, “She’s probably up thinking about why you weren’t yourself tonight.”</p><p>Nayeon shakes her head, “Not yet.”</p><p>Sana lets out a heavy breath and holds Nayeon in her arms. She listens to her friend’s sobbing and realizes she’s shedding tears of her own.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>“Jeongyeon’s plan will absolutely get her killed,” Jihyo says to Nayeon, tone bordering in admiration.</p><p>The night is still. They’re in the balcony, eating hot instant ramen as they try not to freeze to death from the cold breeze while the rest of their company prepare to go to bed. Nayeon just laughs before shoving the noodles inside her mouth.</p><p>“Maybe. But it could work,” she replies once she’s finished chewing and swallowing.</p><p>“I hope so,” the younger one murmurs, staring out in the twinkling cityscape, “I just want things to be okay again.”</p><p>Nayeon nods slowly, taking a sip of the noodle broth as she stares as well, “Me too, Ji.”</p><p>There’s a short pause. Jihyo hears the beep of a car from the street below and leans back on the chair.</p><p> “I never got a chance to thank you,” she says suddenly, Nayeon turns to face her, eyebrows shooting up in surprise, “You’ve done a good job holding us all together, you know?”</p><p>“Well, everyone was in pieces when Sana left. Someone had to,” the older girl admits. Remembering the heavy feeling of having the weight of the past couple of years on her shoulders.</p><p>“Nah. Ever since we got signed,” Jihyo replies, fondness evident in her voice, “you didn’t even hesitate when we asked you to manage us.”</p><p>Nayeon breaks out a warm smile, “I couldn’t let you dummies fall on your faces.”</p><p>Jihyo chuckles, “You’re so weird. Just admit you love us.”</p><p>“I do, you little shit.”</p><p>“How dare you call me <em>little. </em>You are <em>not </em>that tall, I’m sorry to break it to you.” Jihyo retorts, setting her cup of noodles aside.</p><p>Nayeon laughs loudly, “Bitter.” She nudges Jihyo gently with her arm, the girl nudges her back with a soft smile.</p><p>“Seriously, Nay,” she continues, looking at Nayeon, “I know it hurt a lot.”</p><p>Nayeon looks away, choosing to focus on her almost empty ramyeon cup while Jihyo continues.</p><p>“It was supposed to be you. <em>You </em>were supposed to be in my spot, singing and touring all over the world with your friends.”</p><p>“Ji—”</p><p>“Don’t worry, I’m not going to get <em>too </em>mushy,” she laughs, “I guess I just wanted to say thank you. For staying even when it hurt, and for trusting me enough to be part of the band.”</p><p>This time, the older girl draws her gaze away from the noodles and looks at Jihyo. She remembers telling Jihyo that she’s picked her to replace her, telling her she trusts her and her abilities. She remembers Jihyo’s astonished face, Nayeon had just told them that she was quitting and that they needed a replacement.</p><p>
  <em>You can’t just drop a huge bomb like that and expect me to handle another one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Funny, Ji. I just did.</em>
</p><p><em>I can’t replace you, Nayeon. You’re fucking insane for even thinking that, </em>Jihyo recalls saying.</p><p><em>You sound like a fucking angel, Ji. You’re good. Even better than I am, and I trust you, </em>Nayeon remembers herself replying.</p><p>There’s a feeling of warmth expanding inside her chest but Nayeon doesn’t cry just yet.</p><p>“Like I had any choice, you sound like a fucking angel.” Nayeon replies, repeating the exact same thing she had told her years ago.</p><p>Jihyo rolls her eyes at this, and Nayeon knows she remembers as well, “Right.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Nayeon murmurs softly, “That <em>and</em> you’re the only person I know who’s mature enough to handle all the crazy in the group.”</p><p>“I agree with that, and Chaeyoung’s here.” Jihyo says with a chuckle, looking inside. Nayeon turns her head and sees Chaeyoung’s tiny figure right before Jeongyeon pulls her into a bear hug.</p><p>“And I’m really, <em>really </em>glad you and Mina found each other again.” Jihyo adds, giving Nayeon another nudge before getting to her feet and preparing to head back inside. Nayeon throws her a grin, standing up as well.</p><p>Through the glass door, Nayeon sees Mina laughing at their friends’ antics, eyes turning into slits as her grins grows wider. She sees the little crinkle on the side of her eyes and begins to smile despite herself.</p><p>“Me too,” she replies finally.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Nayeon holds it together for at least two weeks before she begins to crack, trying to be okay during those days was like putting a bandage over a huge crack on the wall to stop it from caving in; it was pointless and she was bound to collapse shortly.</p><p>It’s taken a toll on her and everything else that mattered to her. Her academics took a partial dive with her straight As turning to Bs and Cs. She hides away from her friends and her responsibilities, and worst of all, she hides herself away from Mina. They call her of course, from Jeongyeon asking where the hell she was to Mina pleading for Nayeon to tell her what was wrong, but Nayeon remains cooped up inside her dorm room ignoring them all and making Sana swear on her life not to tell anyone about her whereabouts. Sana reluctantly agrees but not before giving Nayeon a lecture about running away from problems.</p><p>She tells her she would come out and say it when she was ready to. Her response remains the same that Sana visibly grows tired of hearing it.</p><p>“It’s not like you to just let yourself wither away like this, Nay.”</p><p>“Well maybe you don’t know me at all, Sana. Just leave me alone,” she snaps, a little meaner than she wanted.</p><p>“I’m only trying to help.” Sana says, exasperated at Nayeon’s bullheadedness.</p><p>“I don’t need your fucking help.”</p><p>Her friend only looks at her in disdain, “I get that you’re hurt. But as your friend, it’s my job to call you out on your bullshit.”</p><p>Nayeon sees Sana’s hands ball into fists, she knows she’s reached her limit.</p><p>“This is isn’t healthy. It’s been weeks but you haven’t given any thought about the surgery you <em>need</em> and you’re acting like some recluse who has no friends who can help her through this. You haven’t even talked to <em>Mina</em>. You know? Your girlfriend who’s <em>leaving</em> for Paris in a <em>week</em>.”</p><p>Nayeon doesn’t respond, instead, she lets Sana’s anger stir and settle. She knows Sana’s right but Nayeon’s too far gone to even think rationally. Her entire world was at the brink of collapse; every second just reminds her of the fact that could not sing anymore without risking her health, that Mina was going to leave, that she was going to get her heartbroken in a week.  She cannot stop herself from thinking that maybe she fucked up in taking the risk, that maybe it was a wrong move to let herself fall because Mina will inevitably leave her.</p><p>And there was something else, something Nayeon doesn’t want to acknowledge but knows it’s there at the back of her mind. It’s something she feels when she sees Mina and sees what she’s accomplished, her shining future, when she’s so close to achieving her dreams. Nayeon’s just reminded that she didn’t have the same fate. Mina is going to leave and become a prima ballerina or something but Nayeon? After days and days of thinking and mulling things over, Nayeon’s decided to give up on singing again.</p><p><em>Envy, </em>she names it. It’s a terrible, terrible thing to feel about someone she loves dearly, but she does.</p><p> “Leave,” she says after a while.</p><p>Sana shakes her head, “You’re a coward, Im Nayeon.”</p><p>Years later Sana looks back on this moment and shakes her head at her own hypocrisy.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana was the first to go.</p><p>She rarely sleeps in her and Nayeon’s shared dorm room, choosing to spend her night snuggled together with Momo on the latter’s bed instead. Momo asks her what was wrong and Sana just shrugs, telling her Nayeon needs time alone.</p><p>Momo soon follows. The girl spots Nayeon somewhere in the campus one day and immediately dashes to her side, pulling Nayeon into the tightest hug possible and asking her where she’s been. Nayeon hastily shoves Momo off of her and tells her she does not want to be bothered.</p><p>Jeongyeon leaves as well, Jihyo doesn’t really talk to her anymore, and Mina? She’s leaving in just a few days and she’s given up on chasing Nayeon. Not like Nayeon could blame her, she practically ghosted her and dropped out of the face of the Earth with no warning.</p><p>She finds herself alone in her room yet again, the loneliness and anxiety are beginning to smother her further until she finally decides to stop pushing people away. Nayeon grabs her phone and begins to make amends.</p><p>She texts Mina first, asking her to meet up at their usual diner. She isn’t ready to tell her the truth yet but Mina was leaving in a few days and Nayeon owes her an apology. It takes Mina an hour to respond with an, <em>Ok. </em>Nayeon figures it was better than nothing and heads out to their meeting place.</p><p>--</p><p>Nayeon feels weird sitting in their usual booth after weeks of being MIA. There weren’t a lot of people that night, it’s just her, a few service staff busying themselves with idle chitchat, and a group of students huddled at the opposite corner. Nayeon nervously taps her fingers against the table as she waits for Mina to arrive.</p><p>A smile escapes her lips once she spots Mina entering the diner. She sits up, already armed with apologies but she sees Mina’s solemn expression and words die on her lips before even escaping.</p><p>“Hey.” Nayeon greets shakily, keeping her gaze on Mina as she takes the seat across her.</p><p>“Hey.” Mina replies, sitting upright with her hands on the table. She looks all prim and proper despite the obvious hurt on her face.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Nayeon begins, rueful and penitent, “For disappearing all of a sudden.”</p><p>Mina just stares at her wordlessly, expression still unchanging.</p><p>That’s when Nayeon notices how tired her girlfriend looks, there were circles under her eyes, indicating that she obviously hasn’t been sleeping or resting well. It strikes her how much of a terrible thing she’s done, and she immediately feels guiltier.</p><p>“I’m really, really sorry, Mina,” she says, trying again as she reaches over and holds Mina’s hands in hers. They feel cold, Nayeon gives them a gentle squeeze trying to keep them warm.</p><p>“I’m leaving in a few days,” is all Mina answers.</p><p>“I-I know. I was having a really shitty time, I’m sorry if we lost so much time.”</p><p>“Stop apologizing. I would have been fine if you <em>asked</em> me to leave you alone, I would have understood.” Mina replies, voice a little louder.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I couldn’t face anyone, Mina.”</p><p>“Why? What happened to you?” she asks.</p><p>
  <em>I’m sick. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ve decided not to sing again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can’t look at you without feeling a wave of regret and jealousy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I feel guilty and terrible.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I miss you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry.</em>
</p><p>Nayeon looks away, none of the words she’s thought of ever makes it out of her mouth, but she’s afraid that if she looks her in the eye, she might give in and spill. She keeps mum and tries to come up with a reasonable excuse.</p><p>The girl across her stares at her in disbelief, “I can’t do this, Nayeon.”</p><p>“What does that mean?</p><p>Mina withdraws her hands from Nayeon’s and Nayeon’s hands begin to feel cold again. Mina gets up and looks her in the eye, “It means I can’t do <em>this, </em>you and me, anymore.”</p><p>“Mina, wait —”</p><p>“I have <em>so </em>many things on my plate, Nay. And I couldn’t even fucking focus on any of those because I was worried about you.” Mina tells her, sounding so crestfallen and broken that Nayeon herself feels like she’s being ripped apart, “You can’t even tell me what’s wrong.”</p><p>“Mina, please. Let me explain, please don’t go.” Nayeon pleads, “Not like this.”</p><p>“I’m leaving in a few days and I don’t think I handle anything like this again especially when I’m in another country.”</p><p>“Are we — you’re breaking up with me?” Nayeon asks slowly, brows furrowed in disbelief. She’s numb all over that she doesn’t notice the tears in her eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Mina says simply, Nayeon begins to hate her ability to stay composed, “And whatever it is you’re going through, I hope it gets better.”</p><p>She gives Nayeon one last look before walking out of the diner. Nayeon goes back to being alone, she’s left stoic despite the obvious stream of tears trickling down her cheeks.</p><p>
  <em>Duty.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I do what I have to do because I want to, because I love you.</em>
</p><p>It wouldn’t have worked out anyway, she was only going to drag Mina down.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Sana jolts awake at five in the morning. She groans softly as she rubs the sleep off her eyes, stretches a little.</p><p>She catches sight of the person beside her, underneath the mess of ebony hair was a sleeping <em>and </em>snoring Momo. Sana feels a rush of adoration, she looks so at peace, and she wonders if it was because of her, if it was because they slept beside each other again.</p><p>She wishes it was, even though it’s foolish to even think about.</p><p>Sana sighs and slowly gets herself up and off the bed, trying her best to make little to no noise to not wake Momo up. She goes over to Momo’s side of the bed and leans in front of her, she sees her face, calm and beautiful and Sana wants to cry but she holds herself together. She reimagines Momo waking up, smiling at her sleepily like she used to before. But that’s what it solely is, a memory, and Sana’s left with nothing but the weight of it.</p><p>She plants a gentle kiss on the top of her head before tiptoeing towards the door.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo wakes up, sunlight streaming through the window, and rolls over to her side. Unconsciously longing for someone to hold, to embrace and that’s when she notices that Sana’s side of the bed is empty. She feels a familiar ache in her chest, the same feeling she gets every time she wakes up alone. She first got acquainted to the feeling when Sana left years ago, and the feeling hasn’t left her since.</p><p>The bed smells like a mix of jasmine and cedar and she immediately recognizes Sana’s perfume. She’s spent days and nights drowning in that scent back when she used to spend her time in Sana’s arms or just near her. Momo groans, hating how oddly sentimental she’s getting, reaching over to her bedside table to grab her phone.</p><p>It’s nine in the morning and her Twitter and Instagram alerts are already bombarding her notification bar, there were a dozen of calls from Nayeon and a few from the band’s publicist. She lets out a breath and tosses her phone to her side, knowing that all those are probably about the previous night.  She figures she’ll deal with them later and rolls onto her back, remaining planted on the mattress while staring absentmindedly at the ceiling, she knows. Momo lies there for a while, immersing herself in the absolute tranquili —</p><p>The buzzing of her phone abruptly disturbs her moment of peace.  “Ugh,” she mutters before grabbing it to answer, barely sparing a glance at the contact name, “Since when did you become a morning person, Yoo Jeongyeon?”</p><p>“Ever since Nayeon made me her maid of honor,” Jeongyeon replies, Momo could sense an eyeroll from her a mile away.</p><p>“Aren’t we co-maids of honor?” Momo says dryly.</p><p>“Exactly. Are you with Sana?”</p><p>“No.” Momo replies, trying to hide the dismay in her voice.</p><p>“Alright. Get your ass up and help me run errands.” Jeongyeon retorts, “Nayeon says you owe her big time after last night, by the way.”</p><p> Momo groans, disgusted at the thought of getting up and spending her day under the sun running around the city, but she knows she’s already in deep shit after being seen with both Sana and another guy last night, so she acquiesces, “Fine. But just so you know, I’m going to complain the whole time.”</p><p>“Stop being a baby.” Jeongyeon says airily, “Get dressed and meet me at Sweet Tooth in an hour.”</p><p>“I <em>am </em>a baby.” Momo whines, with a pout, “See you later.”</p><p>“Gross. See you!” Jeongyeon responds, feigning disgust before ending the call.</p><p>Momo sits up and stretches her limbs, she stares at her phone and finds herself fighting off the urge to call Sana up and ask her to come with them. <em>It’ll be like the old times</em>, she tells herself. Momo imagines them, walking around the city, laughing at Jeongyeon, and holding hands like they used to. She shakes her head, surprised by the wave of longing that rushes over. It was a different time, they were happier, and less broken.</p><p>She gets off the bed and thinks about the things she would do just to go back.</p><p>--</p><p>“Alright, Eagle 2. Phase one is complete, she’s not with Sana.” Jeongyeon declares happily, giving Jihyo a soft punch on the shoulder.</p><p>Jihyo punches her back, much more forceful than Jeongyeon’s, “You sound like a dork.”</p><p>“Whatever. I know you all love me for it,” Jeongyeon taunts proudly, completely ignoring Jihyo’s fake gagging beside her.</p><p>“Ew. I think I just threw up in my mouth.”</p><p>“Good. Now let’s proceed to Phase 2 of my plan and call Sana,” the older girl says, tone becoming serious as if she were a secret agent carrying off a high-stakes plan.</p><p>Jihyo’s gotten used to Jeongyeon’s antics, loves them although she doesn’t like to admit it.</p><p>“Aye aye, Capt. Yoo,” she sighs, dialing Sana’s number as she speaks.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana has barely fallen asleep again when her phone buzzes underneath her pillow. She lets out a sleepy yawn and answers it even though her head was still spinning a little, “Hello?”</p><p>“Sana! Did you just wake up or something?” Jihyo’s voice rings out from the other line.</p><p>“Mm,” she mumbles, half-asleep, half-awake.</p><p>“Help me run errands for Mina and Nayeon bachelorette party tonight?” the younger girl asks, putting on her ‘cute’ voice she knows gets Sana to do her bidding every time.</p><p>“Noooo, not the <em>aegyo. </em>You’re gross. And evil.”</p><p>“Please? Jeongyeon’s supposed to be the one doing this but her lazy ass was too busy sleeping — ow! Fuck—”</p><p>Sana hears mumbling in the background followed by Jihyo’s shushing.</p><p>“—sorry about that. Anyways, come with me please, I beg you.”</p><p>She wasn’t really up for it, her limbs felt heavy and she was emotionally drained. But it was Jihyo, and they were doing it for Mina and Nayeon. So Sana decides to just go with it, it’ll be fun anyways.</p><p>“Alright, alright. Geez, I know you miss me but try to be subtle.” Sana says snootily, not missing a chance to annoy Jihyo.</p><p>“Oh shut up. Meet me at Sweet Tooth in an hour, okay? See youu!” she replies, tone perky and giddy before dropping the call and not giving Sana the time to respond.</p><p>Sana buries her face in her pillow, allowing herself to fully wake up before she gets up to take a bath. She debates on whether or not to call Momo up and ask her to come with them but she ultimately decides against it, she’s sure Momo would decline anyway.</p><p>She finally gets up and makes her way over to the bathroom. Sana runs the shower and sits under it, letting the water cascade down to her skin. It takes a moment for her to realize that since arriving back in Seoul, this was the first time she’s woken up without crying.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>only a few more chapters left. is anyone still following this? hahahaha anyways, this one is a little longer. i don't really like how this chapter turned out but i hope ya'll still like this. </p><p>yell at me on twt: _momorings</p><p>thank you so much for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>six.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo regrets three things that morning while she’s driving. One, she regrets taking her car to meet up with Jeongyeon because she’s been photographed in it a bunch of times and knowing their fans, there is no way she isn’t going to be recognized. Not to mention she had to park a little farther from the bakeshop because there so many god damn cars so early in the morning already. She knew the way to the shop so well, seeing as she and Sana used to take turns dragging each other to the establishment when either one of them began craving something sweet. Sana loved the cheesecakes, it didn’t matter which one, and Momo kind of hates herself for remembering that. </p><p> Two, she regrets choosing to wear a baseball cap and sunglasses in lieu of their usual disguises that involved wigs because the cap does nothing to help hide her face and the glasses were just useless. It does help with shielding her face from the harsh rays of the sun when she gets out of the car though, so at least there’s that.</p><p>And three, she regrets drinking the night before. Her head was pounding despite already downing a large bottle of Gatorade before going out with nothing but a pair of loose light denim jeans, an oversized shirt tucked in, and a pair of black beat up Converse low tops. Momo’s not usually this scatterbrained but apparently when you had just spent yet <em>another </em>night sleeping beside your soon-to-be ex-wife, all logic goes out the window.</p><p>She huffs as she walks faster towards the bakeshop Jeongyeon told her to go to, already deciding on making the latter pay for one whole cheesecake solely for Momo’s consumption as punishment. Momo immediately rushes inside the shop, desperate for cold air, ignoring the hollow feeling inside her stomach when she thinks of who she used to come here with. Once she’s inside, she takes her black aviators off and breathes out, relieved to finally be out of the heat. She smiles, warm and polite, at the girl manning the counter. Momo’s sees a flash of recognition cross the girl’s face but before she could do anything, Momo’s already making her way towards one of the booths in the farthest corner of the shop.</p><p>A memory flashes in front of her. It’s one with her and Sana; both of them seated on the exact same table Momo is staring at during present time, and Sana’s across her, giggling behind her palms and looking like Momo had given her the sun, the moon, the stars, and all the other heavenly bodies in existence, when in reality she had probably just given her a slice of cake. She smiles to herself, remembering how Sana found happiness in every little Momo used to do.</p><p>Used to.</p><p>Momo shakes her head and takes a seat. It’s already 8:57 in the morning and her friend is nowhere inside. Momo checks her phone to see if there were any messages from Jeongyeon, grumbling when she sees none.</p><p>“Jesus, Yoo Jeongyeon,” she mumbles under her breath, already sending her friend a text saying ‘<em>where are you? you need to pay for my cheesecake’</em>. Jeongyeon replies a minute later with a ‘<em>boooo i never agreed to that’. </em>Momo tells her to just hurry up.</p><p>When Jeongyeon doesn’t answer, Momo sighs and leans back on her chair, eyes stuck staring at her phone. If she was being honest, she’s been waiting for someone else to text her and the whole morning, she’s been trying to fight the urge to text that same person. But Momo decides not to be honest, she ignores the itch, figuring it’d die down as soon as Jeongyeon arrives. She puts her phone down and lets her gaze wander outside; she spots three odd looking people hunched over newspapers from the coffee shop across the street but that doesn’t really hold her attention long enough to forget about her urge because after a few short seconds, Momo finds herself opening her messaging app. Her fingers hover over the contact name ‘<em>S </em><em>❤’ </em>and she realizes she hasn’t changed Sana’s contact name even after everything that happened. God knows how many times she’s done this, staring at her phone and wanting to text Sana, over the past two years. She types up messages ranging from ‘<em>where on earth are you, Sana’ </em>to <em>‘why did you leave’ </em>to <em>‘please come back’ </em>but she never presses send<em>. </em></p><p>Maybe it’s a force of habit or maybe it’s her giving in to the temptation, either way Momo finds herself tapping on the contact name and begins typing out a message, ‘<em>Didn’t Nayeon make you a maid-of-honor too?’, </em>her brows furrow in thought; it sounded random, Sana might think Momo wants to start a conversation with her. Truth is, maybe she does but she wasn’t ready to admit that. She huffs as she immediately deletes the entire message and starts over, this time with a ‘<em>we’re at sweet tooth, do you wanna come here? jeongyeon’s paying.’ </em>Momo cringes, it sounded much worse. She deletes everything again, letting her eyes wander inside the bakeshop as she tries to think of something better to say and not of the fact that Jeongyeon still wasn’t there. Momo sees a bunch of cakes lined up inside the cream colored display case and she begins thinking of the one Sana would pick in a heartbeat, she spots one whole blueberry cheesecake at the end of the row and her fingers slowly move across her screen.</p><p>
  <em>Blueberry cheesecakes still remind me of you.</em>
</p><p>Momo only stares at it and never presses send.</p><p>--</p><p>The first thing Sana does when she finishes getting ready is call Eunha and apologize for leaving her at the club. She presses her phone to her ear as she haphazardly puts in her daily essentials inside her purse and waits for her friend to answer.</p><p>Eunha picks up and just laughs lightheartedly at her when she chokes out an apology, “<em>Oh, don’t worry about it. Momo told me you guys had to go home. Some emergency about Nayeon and Mina’s bridal shower, right?</em>”</p><p>“She talked to you?” Sana wonders out loud despite herself.</p><p>“<em>Yes, she did. She was real apologetic about it too, and she offered to pay for the bill,” </em>Eunha replies, “<em>your wife’s still really nice.” </em></p><p>Sana blinks, processing what Eunha was saying, although she’s distracted by the word <em>wife. </em>There was no official statement, no confirmation that she and Momo we’re essentially broken up, there were rumors of their divorce but they weren’t being addressed at all. Some fans and some of their industry friends think they’re still together even though Momo has done a good job at acting like Sana doesn’t exist to her for the past two years and Sana has done a good job at disappearing. Sana figures Eunha is one of them, blissfully ignorant about how broken she and Momo had become, and she decides to let her stay that way. Like she told herself the night before, a media shit storm isn’t something BDZ (Momo especially) needed.</p><p>So, Sana pretends. Momo is still technically her wife anyway, regardless of whether or not the latter still loves her.</p><p>“She is, she is,” she replies with the best fake laugh she could muster, hiding away the pieces of their relationship, the fallen debris of what once was.</p><p>She apologizes to Eunha once again before hanging up after promising a better hangout soon. After she does that, Sana proceeds to call Jihyo as she heads out the door but Jihyo doesn’t pick up. She doesn’t think much of it and figures Jihyo must be on her way so she leaves the hotel and hails a cab to Sweet Tooth.</p><p>On the way there, she sends Jihyo a few text messages asking where she was and telling her she is on her way. She ignores the impulse to text Momo, Sweet Tooth was her — <em>their </em>favorite bakeshop, and she wonders if Momo remembers, wonders if Momo still likes the strawberry shortcake there, and wonders if Momo still likes to go there or if Sana has effectively ruined it for her forever.</p><p>Sana stares at her phone, she’s deleted Momo’s number before as part of her <em>many </em>failed attempts to move on and forget her but all the crying and the hesitation to delete her number proved to be meaningless and really useless because Sana knows Momo’s number by heart. And after all these years, she still does.</p><p>That’s the thing about loving someone for so long, she guesses. You spend all this time with that person and over the years you begin to memorize them, their curves, their freckles, their moles, their favorite color, their favorite thing to do when it’s cold and raining outside. You have all these information about one person, a large collection of certain pieces of who they are and even after that person stops loving you, those pieces will never really go away entirely.</p><p>Sana leans her head against the window and fixes her gaze upon the moving streets outside. She still wants to be with Momo, she wants to fix things, but a part of her wonders how much more of this she can take, a part of her begins to wish for a clean slate, a new start without all these remnants of Momo inside of her.</p><p>--</p><p>From the coffee shop across the street, three figures are trying to hide behind newspapers in an attempt not to draw any attention and suspicion towards them. With Jihyo’s fake brown bob and huge round specs, Jeongyeon’s long blonde wig and dark sunglasses, and Tzuyu’s short blonde wig and black cat eye sunglasses, Jeongyeon thinks they look like rich, snooty girls who cannot be bothered by the people around them. While Tzuyu thinks they look like stalkers <em>especially </em>with the binoculars Jeongyeon had brought with them. Nevertheless, the three of them wait patiently, trying to act like everything is cool, but they (Jihyo and Jeongyeon, it’s never Tzuyu) fall apart when they spot Momo’s car drive by and the girl walking inside the bakeshop moments later.</p><p>They’re in <em>full-on spy mode </em>as Jeongyeon keeps insisting, Jihyo has little to no confidence in this plan but this was the only plan they could agree on the night before. The discussion for <strong><em>Operation SAMO </em></strong>was as chaotic as one would expect from them. Jeongyeon explained how the plan would go, it was simple: let Sana and Momo spend a whole day together, doing the things they loved to do before, remind them of them of what they’re supposed to be — a team.</p><p>“How are we supposed to do that? They can’t even last half a day without things getting heated,” Jihyo asks.</p><p>Jeongyeon flashes her a confident smile, “I tell them there’s an emergency, pull out the co-maids of honor card and ask her to help out. You will do the same with Sana, and when they both agree— and I’m sure they will because they’re incredibly soft for you two, we’ll ditch them and leave them alone together while we let them deal with the catering problem and watch them from afar.” Jeongyeon looks around the room for their reactions, and says the next sentence with another big grin, “Next problem is… we might die.”</p><p>She finishes with a shaky, nervous chuckle.</p><p>“God.” Jihyo mumbles well aware of the complications.</p><p>“Well, it could work,” Tzuyu interjects, but she trails off quietly immediately, “if only the parties involved weren’t too stubborn in their in own ways.”  </p><p>Jihyo sighs and slumps against the couch and stares at the ceiling, knowing Tzuyu had just said what they were all thinking out loud.</p><p>Nayeon seconds it, “Jeong, they’re <em>insane</em>. Did you forget how they get into these arguments about the little things like which soup is better or if whether or not Momo should choose meat instead of broth?”</p><p>“You and I both know they never argued on things that mattered, Nay. They <em>talked</em>. That’s why they lasted for so long.”</p><p> “I know. But it’s a different situation right now.” Nayeon replies with a soft sigh, “Sana feels terrible when people are angry or upset at her. Remember that one time she and a senior had a slight misunderstanding? Didn’t she go out of her way to talk to the person about it as nicely as she could just so they could resolve shit?”</p><p>Jeongyeon merely nods and waits for Nayeon to finish.</p><p>“That’s all well and good but Momo <em>hates </em>confrontation, she’s kept her feelings to herself and that’s why they’re in this mess in the first place.”</p><p>Jihyo nods slowly, “Yeah. And if things go awry tomorrow, they might end up getting angrier at each other. And at <em>us</em>, if they find out we’re interfering.”</p><p>“They won’t,” Mina says fondly from Nayeon’s side, “they love each other too much and they’re already slipping. It won’t hurt if we try.”</p><p>“One huge push,” Jeongyeon tells them, thankful for Mina’s support, “that’s all they need.”</p><p>So they commence the plan and now they’re trying to be subtle while they keep their eyes on Momo. Jeongyeon almost drops her binoculars and almost spits out her coffee when she sees Momo look back at them but luckily, the girl averts her gaze just a few moments later.</p><p>“Sana’s coming.” Jihyo tells them, looking up from her phone.</p><p>“Finally,” Tzuyu sighs, “now let’s get them back together.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>After Mina leaves for Paris, after Nayeon finally admits to her friends that she is sick, she achieves some progress in acting. She’s almost perfected playing the part of a girl who can handle all the shit life has been throwing at her even though she knows Sana could hear her sobbing some nights. Sana doesn’t pry but she makes it up to her friend by giving her waffles for breakfast or by trying to make laugh, Nayeon doesn’t say anything but Sana knows she’s grateful.</p><p>Nayeon leaves the band and lets Jihyo have her spot. They had welcomed Jihyo as their new front man and from time to time Nayeon watches their gigs. Nayeon’s really glad Jihyo’s holding up really well, proving her right about everything she had told her the night she asked Jihyo to replace her. She’s glad her friends are still performing, so she sits among the crowd and claps before and after every song, pretending it doesn’t make her heart twist tightly and painfully.</p><p>Most nights she’s holed up in her dorm room throwing herself into her academics, she figures if she couldn’t make a living out of doing the thing she loves the most, she might as well continue being great with her major in film. And by the time she graduates, she’s immediately snatched up by a big studio as soon as the tips of her fingers does as much as touch her diploma. Nayeon lets herself be swept away with the rush of the opportunities, treating it as some sort of distraction from all the hurt she was dealing with. She’s good at this, she pretends she’s in a movie and that she’s merely fulfilling her role as a martyr, a saint. Even if deep down, she is slowly disintegrating into fine dust, until all that’s left of her is a hollow shell with a gaping Mina-shaped hole no amount of business could ever fill.</p><p>--</p><p>They meet Tzuyu when she’s a freshman.</p><p>Well, Sana does.</p><p>It’s another Friday night, and the band had just finished their first set of songs for the night. Sana had excused herself to get all of them bottles of water. She’s at the bar counter, waiting for Mark to hand her the bottles of the cold and glorious water they so desperately want, when she feels a tap on her shoulder. Sana turns around and sees one of the most beautiful faces she’s ever seen. She blinks, momentarily overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the girl wearing a grey turtleneck sweater in front of her.</p><p>“Yes?” she says, trying not to stutter.</p><p>“Sorry, uh, the band here will still continue playing right?” the girl replies, pointing to Sana’s bandmates.</p><p>“Oh, yeah. They just finished their first set and are taking a short break before the start another,” Sana tells her with a nod.</p><p>The girl smiles, “Okay. Thank you. I thought I missed them.”</p><p>Sana smiles back, feeling happy. It’s the same feeling she feels every time she finds out that someone likes their band and goes to 21:29 just to hear them play. But the girl doesn’t seem to know who she is so Sana wonders if the girl was a fan of some sort or if she’s just a bored girl who wants to hear free live music or something.</p><p>“You know the band?”</p><p>“I’ve heard of them. I’ve never really seen them nor heard them play a whole gig but people from my school seem to like them a lot.”</p><p>“Your school?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m Chou Tzuyu, a freshman at Konkuk.”</p><p>“Oh, hi! I’m Sana, I’m a senior there.” Sana greets with a warm smile, “The band’s from there too. I think that’s why a lot of Konkuk students like them.”</p><p>Tzuyu nods, watching the rest of the band laugh at the side of the stage, “I’ll bet. I heard them play a song or two while I was outside but that’s all.”</p><p>“Did you like what you heard?”</p><p>“Well, they’re good. But…” Tzuyu trails off, “they sounded, I don’t know — <em>empty</em>. Like something is missing, or like they don’t really want to play.”</p><p>Sana’s taken a little off guard by the statement. Jihyo has brought it up for a while now, about how <em>just</em> sounding good is different from sounding like they’re full of life, and like they’re actually loving what they’re doing. She’s a little astonished, all along the band has been thinking that they were doing a great job acting like they hadn’t just taken a huge hit by losing Nayeon but someone who has never heard them play noticed the difference. Nayeon was more than just a member; she was the core of the band, the reason why they even started in the first place. And something like that wasn’t going to go away after just several months.</p><p>“Empty.” Sana repeats, she looks at Tzuyu with probing eyes, “What do you think they need?”</p><p>“For one, they need another guitarist. I think it’d make the songs sound fuller when you can hear both a lead guitar and a rhythm guitar in the instrumentals,” the girl mumbles, chuckling softly, “I won’t take my word for it though, I’m kind of biased.”</p><p>“How so?” Sana asks, eyebrows raised in amusement.</p><p>“Well, because I play guitar myself. Thinking that the guitar is the most superior musical instrument is kind of a requisite.” Tzuyu says with a laugh.</p><p>Sana giggles as well, remember the random band discourse they had a few months back that involved a heated debate about which instruments were clearly far more superior to the others. The debate ended with them doubling over with laughter and finishing three boxes of pepperoni pizza before sleeping in.</p><p>“Hm.” Sana hums thoughtfully after a moment, “Is that all?”</p><p>“I think they need to reevaluate their purpose, you know? To think about why they started doing what they’re doing and try to channel that again.”</p><p>The older girl nods, amazed by the maturity of the young freshman. She smiles despite herself, “I’ll be sure to tell my bandmates that.”</p><p>With a soft smile still plastered on her face, Sana watches Tzuyu’s eyes widen in realization.</p><p>“Oh? You’re part of the band? Oh my god? I’m so sorry if I sounded invasive! Oh my god this is embarrassing.” Tzuyu says with a panicked expression, Sana spots a tinge of red on her cheeks. She laughs, waving her hands dismissively, “It’s okay! That was actually really helpful.”</p><p>“Oh god.”</p><p>“Oh, it really is okay. The band’s been talking about something similar for a while, actually. We kinda hit a rough patch last semester and it’s been a struggle to bounce back from it.” Sana says honestly, letting out a sigh as she crosses her arms across her chest, “Kinda embarrassing that people could actually see — <em>hear </em>it. So I’ll take your suggestion about finding our purpose again into consideration.”</p><p>Tzuyu nods in polite understanding, trying not to dwell on the embarrassment she still feels.</p><p>“And I agree about the guitarist part. It’s greater when I can ‘harmonize’ with another guitar while I play you know? The rhythm’s better and it makes the song come to life.” Sana tells her, she catches Momo waving for her attention from across the bar and she remembers the bottles of water she was supposed to give them.</p><p>“Crap, I totally forgot about these,” she motions to the bottles whose surfaces were covered in condensation on the counter, “Tell you what, we practice at <em>Turtle. </em>It’s a small rehearsal studio right outside the campus. Meet us there at 3 PM Wednesday next week and play for the band.”</p><p>“What?” Tzuyu questions, confusion evident on her beautiful flushed face. Sana picks the bottles up and flashes her a grin.</p><p>“Play for the band. Show us how good you are. Maybe then we’d agree we do sound better and livelier when there’s six of us.”</p><p>Sana saunters off towards the stage, leaving Tzuyu dumbfounded and speechless.</p><p>--</p><p>“What took you so long?” Jeongyeon complains, unable to stop a small pout from forming.</p><p>Sana hands her and Jihyo a bottle each before replying, “Sorry. I was talking to a freshman.”  She sits beside Momo and opens a bottle up for her.</p><p>“You’re over me already, Minatozaki? I am hurt,” Momo says dramatically, making a face at the sight of the water bottle before taking it from her girlfriend anyway.</p><p>Sana giggles, “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, babe. That pretty face of yours could only go so far, you know?”</p><p>“Oh no worries, I’m sure Jeongyeon would take me in immediately.” Momo replies proudly, nudging Sana with her shoulder. Sana grins and plants a loud, obnoxious kiss on her cheek, “I’m not going down without a fight.”</p><p>“Jeongyeon will fight for me —”</p><p>“—I probably won’t.” Jeongyeon interjects in playful disdain. This was their dynamic, Sana and Momo annoying each other <em>lovingly </em>while either Jeongyeon or Jihyo gets dragged into their banter.</p><p>“It’s a fight to the death!” Sana exclaims, throwing a fist up in the air, eyes shining.</p><p>“Bold words for the girl who got disqualified in a chicken fight before the game even began,” Jihyo teases, bringing up that one time Sana lost her balance and dropped a foot during a chicken game at one party.</p><p>Sana whines, “Mean! My legs were sore that day!”</p><p>Beside her, Momo shrugs, “Well, I guess you’re going to lose the duel for my hand then.”</p><p>Jeongyeon fake gags in front of them, “Why do you two flirt with each other like this? I’m gonna go insane.”</p><p>“You say that as if you aren’t already insane,” Jihyo interjects airily.</p><p>“Takes one to know one,” Jeongyeon singsongs, sticking a tongue out at her friend.</p><p>Jihyo playfully hits her arm before turning to Sana, “What did the freshman want though?”</p><p>“She told me we sounded empty.” Sana tells them.</p><p>“Empty?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she mumbles, looking down at her feet, “like we didn’t want to play at all.”</p><p>They sit in silence, letting the truth sink in.</p><p>“Well, she’s not wrong.” Momo mumbles.</p><p>“I asked her to join us.” Sana says suddenly.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“She says she’s good with a guitar.”</p><p>“And <em>that’s</em> all?”</p><p>“My gut tells me we need her.” Sana says sincerely, there was something about Tzuyu’s <em>wise-beyond-her-years </em>aura that reminds her of Nayeon. Something about her that makes Sana believe they need her.</p><p>“Is there some weird guitar player instinct at play here?” Jihyo asks, giving her a half-smile.</p><p>Sana chuckles, “You could say that.”</p><p>“What did you say her name was?”</p><p>“Chou Tzuyu,” Sana replies, looking over to where Tzuyu was standing moments ago but the girl wasn’t there anymore.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo checks her phone again and sees <strong>9:30 AM </strong>on her lockscreen. Jeongyeon is officially late, and Momo’s already sent her a bunch of texts again but she’s since received zero replies from her friend. She tries not to feel too annoyed, after all, she was doing this for Nayeon and Mina but she finds it hard to not feel just a twinge of displeasure because she has a throbbing headache and she’s at a bakeshop during a hot morning instead of staying at home and resting.</p><p>Not only that but Momo also feels a surge of irritation at herself, her mind just won’t shut up about Sana. Her name repeating inside her head like a mantra, like a summoning chant, and she grows afraid that she’s thinking of her too much she might actually conjure up Sana inside the shop. Momo huffs in frustration and sprawls her arms all over the table and rests her head on them, she’s sure the bakeshop staff are thinking that she’s gone crazy. And what a scoop would that be, a headline already forming: ‘<em>BDZ’s Hirai Momo has finally lost it’. </em>For once, she’d agree with what the tabloids are saying about her.</p><p>She stays still, waiting for her phone to vibrate beside her. What pricks her ears though is the sound of the door opening and closing, she thinks it’s Jeongyeon finally arriving after being late for more than half an hour so she lifts her head up to see for herself.</p><p>The sight causes Momo to curse under her breath, and in that instant she decides she hates the universe.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana enters the very familiar bakery, struggling to not pay attention to the ache of familiarity dredging up her insides. She pushes the door open and greets the staff with a warm smile, the girl handling the cash register blinks in instant recognition wondering what she did to deserve a celebrity sighting for the second time that day.</p><p>She makes her way to the corner table, something magnetic pulling her there, still blissfully unaware of who the girl saw before she came in. Her moment of ignorance, however, proves to be short-lived because she sees a face she’s spent more than six years fawning over and she stops in her tracks. </p><p>“Momo?” she breathes, feet glued to the tiled floor, “What are you doing here?”</p><p>Momo sits up, leaning back on the chair and looking at Sana with a puzzled expression, “I could ask you the same thing.”</p><p>Sana shrugs, “I’m here to meet, Jihyo. You?”</p><p>“I’m here to meet Jeongyeon.” Momo replies, still staring.</p><p>Sana cannot bring herself to even decipher why, she’s occupied with trying not to buckle under Momo’s gaze. She gives her a brief nod and lets a wave of silence cloak the entire space, it doesn’t have enough time to settle though. Momo clears her throat and looks away from Sana, focusing her eyes on the chair across her.</p><p>“Well, might as well sit with me since we’re both waiting.” Momo mumbles. It takes Sana a split second to process what Momo had just told her. She laughs nervously, unsure about everything that’s happening, but at the same time, she feels her heart bloom. Maybe last night did something good for them, so she decides to take a leap of faith.  </p><p>“Aw, are you feeling shy?” Sana teases as she takes a seat right across from Momo, “Do you have a crush on me or something?”</p><p>
  <em>Don’t say things like that. I might not be able to hold these walls up for much longer.</em>
</p><p>The girl in front of her rolls her eyes, “You wish, Minatozaki. I don’t even like you.”</p><p>
  <em>I shouldn’t have let you back in.</em>
</p><p>Sana giggles, resting her cheek on her palm, “If you say so…”</p><p>
  <em>Sana, I’m weak. Stop.</em>
</p><p>Momo eyes her and she tries not to blush when she sees Sana looking at her with a soft expression on her face, “Stop looking at me like that.” Sana widens her eyes, putting on an innocent look, “I wasn’t looking.”</p><p>Momo sees the playfulness dancing inside her eyes and she decides to just fuck it. She shakes her head no, “Kinda seems like you’re the one who has a crush on me.” She half-expects Sana to get caught off guard by Momo’s sudden bout of confidence but Sana just puts a hand on her chest, feigning offense, “It does?”</p><p>Momo shrugs as a response before Sana settles into a smile, “Well, you’re absolutely right.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>Sana giggles, looking smug, “Alright. I’m gonna call Jihyo though. She’s really late.”</p><p>--</p><p>From across the street, Jeongyeon tries not to double over in laughter when they see enter the bakery. Beside her, Jihyo anxiously taps her fingers on the table as she looks over and watches how the scene unfold. Tzuyu sits still but the anticipation in her face is evident. They see Sana stop in her tracks when she sees Momo and Momo staring at her for seconds. The three of them watch their friends talk and they’re only a little surprised when Sana takes a seat from across Momo and laughs just a few seconds in.</p><p>“Oh look at Hirai’s very affected gay ass.” Jihyo mutters, she can say she didn’t know that was going to happen but she’d be lying if she does.</p><p>“Just one push.” Tzuyu murmurs with a little smile. Jeongyeon looks over at her and grins.</p><p>“What did I tell you?” she says rather proudly.</p><p>Jihyo rolls her eyes, “The ego on you, Yoo Jeongy— oh fuck Sana’s calling me!”</p><p>“Answer her then!! Jihyo I need you to stop panicking!” Jeongyeon whisper-yells in a panicked voice.</p><p>Tzuyu sighs and takes Jihyo’s phone, answering for them, “Hello?”</p><p>“<em>Hey where the he— Tzuyu? Where’s Jihyo?” </em></p><p>“She’s not here. There was an emergency she and Jeongyeon had to tend to.” Tzuyu replies calmly while her two older friends watch her in fear.</p><p>“<em>What? She told me <strong>this </strong>was an emergency.” </em></p><p>“She told me to tell you to just go with Momo. She and Jeongyeon will catch up with you guys later.”</p><p>
  <em>“Oh, they think they’re clever. Well, I for one a—”</em>
</p><p>“See you tonight, unnie!” Tzuyu says, effectively cutting Sana off and ending the call before the older girl could even get another word out.</p><p>“How did you become so good at lying?” Jeongyeon asks in both admiration and disbelief. Tzuyu puts Jihyo’s phone down and grins at them proudly, “I became a member of a famous band.”</p><p>Jihyo laughs, “Show business has trained you so well.”</p><p>“It has.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Tzuyu sits somewhere in the corner as she wait for Sana’s band to start their next set. Her mind repeatedly goes over to her conversation with Sana, her sudden offer. She thinks of the implications and the consequences if she were to accept, the image of her father’s disapproving look is enough to send slight shudders all throughout her body.</p><p>Something about music didn’t appeal to him and she discovered that when she was nine. All the third graders in her school had to choose clubs to join — something about how children her age should already have interests that could be honed and developed, Tzuyu doesn’t really recall. What she recalls is her telling her parents she wanted to join the performing arts club or the music club, she tells them she’s loved music all her life, that she wants to learn how to play instruments, noting that the guitar she got from her mom for Christmas was collecting dust and that she want to change that.  She tells them with as much conviction as a nine year old girl could muster that wants to join a club she really loves.</p><p>Tzuyu remembers her father’s stern look while he tells her ‘no, music isn’t profitable. Math and Science are far better choices’, she remembers getting sent to her room for talking back, and she remembers it as the day she stopped telling her parents what she really wanted. She ended up joining the science club much to her father’s pleasure, but she her affinity and love for music didn’t wane. So Tzuyu teaches herself how to play the guitar, relying on nothing but those guitar tutorial books she bought during a book sale.</p><p>By fifteen, she’s already mastered the instrument. She joins her school’s music club without telling her parents, deciding she’s old enough to at least make decisions about her school life. Tzuyu thinks she’s living a double life, like she’s playing the role of two girls all at once: the smart and perfect daughter who’s a genius in anything Math and Science related, also known as the daughter her parents love, and the girl who loves the arts, who loves music so much she could drown in it — also known as the one she actually likes.</p><p>Tzuyu spends years pretending like that side of her doesn’t exist, even going as far as agreeing with her father when he told her she should take a science-related major. She chooses Veterinary Medicine in a country far away from her home, from her parents, from her father’s control; it’s some sort of compromise, an illusion of control that she thinks she has over her life. Her father allowed that at least and so here she is, alone and approximately nine hundred and sixty-two miles away from home, looking and listening to a band who looked and sounded like they were missing something. They’re good but they sounded like they lost their purpose — kind of like Tzuyu herself.</p><p>--</p><p>She leaves 21:29 as soon as the band finishes their set, not wanting to bump into Sana again. She wanted time to think so she goes back to the dorms and decides to walk around the halls as she tries gather her thoughts.</p><p>The dorms are huge, Tzuyu’s too preoccupied with academics that she sometimes forgets. Usually it’s littered with students rushing in and out of their dorm rooms, now it’s empty. Tzuyu blames it on the fact that it’s Friday night and almost everyone her age has a social life while she’s alone with the thoughts of her never having real agency and control over her own life.</p><p>Tzuyu thinks of Sana’s offer again and again and she finds herself wanting to say yes, wanting to say fuck it and just go to the damn rehearsal studio on Wednesday and blow their socks off. But of course, the fear of getting disowned or something settles in her gut. It’s been there for years and it just grows more noticeable and undefeatable as the days pass by. With a huff, she walks through the hallowed halls, immersing herself with the eerie silence that envelops the entire space.</p><p>That’s when she hears a bark.</p><p>She stops in her tracks and listens in for another. The second bark echoes throughout the hallway and is followed by a whimper. Tzuyu immediately rushes to where the sounds were coming from, she bounds the corner curve and sees a white Maltese. She takes a calm and cautious step forward, careful not to scare the dog away. The dog makes its way to Tzuyu, tiny paws padding softly on the floor. She lets him sniff her hand until he calms down.</p><p>Tzuyu gently pets the dog’s head, smiling at him softly, “Hi. How did you get here?” She laughs and continues to stroke the dog’s head and chin, Tzuyu coos ever so slightly. She and the dog stay where they are until she hears footsteps coming from behind her.</p><p>“Ari! Where are you?!” a voice rings out, panicked.</p><p>She’s about to pick the dog up and hide because she remembers that pets aren’t allowed inside the dorms but it’s too late. The voice sounds closer and Tzuyu freezes. She turns around and sees a raven haired girl who looks like she’s about five inches shorter than Tzuyu, bundled up in a white oversized sweater. Her first thought is about how the girl looks so pretty, how her eyes look like they’re shining or whatever that Bruno Mars song talks about. Tzuyu stares at her while she absentmindedly continues petting the dog. The girl looks relieved when she sees the dog in Tzuyu’s arms.</p><p>“Ari! Oh my god! There you are!”</p><p>
  <em>Ah.</em>
</p><p>Tzuyu smiles, handing the dog over to the girl, “Oh, he’s yours?”</p><p>“No,” the girl replies, smiling back as she takes him into her arms, “he’s my best friend’s dog. I’m babysitting for her since she’s out of town.”</p><p>“He’s adorable!” Tzuyu gushes, unable to contain the rush of adoration she feels.</p><p>“He is, he is. But he’s a fast runner as well and he managed to escape while I was walking him outside campus. How did you find him?”</p><p>“I was walking around the dorms to think about — uh, stuff. And I heard him barking so I rushed to him.”</p><p>“Thanks for that. And for not taking him to the dorm supervisor. I was losing my shit trying to find him.”</p><p>“No worries. I was missing my dog so meeting Ari was really nice.”</p><p>The girl grins, “That’s cute.”</p><p>
  <em>Cute. </em>
</p><p>“I, uh, thanks..?”</p><p>The girl laughs, “What were you so emo about though? I might be able to help you. My friends tell me I give really good advice.”</p><p>Tzuyu chuckles nervously, “I’m sure you do but it’s kind of complicated.”</p><p>“Try me,” the girl says, shaking her head.</p><p>Tzuyu takes a deep breath, feeling weirdly comfortable around this stranger and her adorable dog. She figures it’s because they didn’t know each other so there was no room for biases and judgement. She decides to tell her, “Alright. I got offered to join a band.”</p><p>“A band?”</p><p>“Yes. I don’t really know what their band name is but I’m guessing they’re pretty popular.”</p><p>“Wait, are you talking about that one band that plays at 21:29?”</p><p>Tzuyu nods, “Yep —”</p><p>“—They asked you to join? That’s pretty fucking cool —”</p><p>“It is. But I’m kind of hesitant about joining.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“My dad. He’s — he’s very <em>traditional</em>?” Tzuyu says with a soft sigh, “I don’t know. He’s one of those dads who believe nothing in this world can ever top the superiority of Math and Science. He doesn’t approve of me doing anything music related because he wants me to focus on academics and it’s been this way ever since I can remember. So, I don’t know. I’m stuck.”</p><p>The girl nods to herself, humming thoughtfully as she takes all the information in, “Personally, I think you should say fuck it.”</p><p>Her response makes Tzuyu laugh out loud, “Well, that’s very <em>direct</em>.”</p><p>“Sorry, sorry. But still. I get not wanting to displease your parents, you love them and you care about their opinion.” the girl says as she looks at Tzuyu, “But at the end of the day, it’s <em>your </em>life. Live it for yourself.”</p><p>Tzuyu blinks, unable to respond. The girl continues, “Easier said than done, right?”</p><p>The taller girl only nods, this merits another soft smile from the shorter one.</p><p>“But honestly if you don’t do it now, when will you ever?”</p><p>“Well shit.” Tzuyu says, letting out a breath, “Thanks, I — uh, I really needed that.”</p><p>“No problem. I gotta go hide Ari. My best friend will beat my ass up if I get this little boy in trouble.”</p><p>“Right. Thank you again, um, girl whose name I don’t know…”</p><p>The girl laughs, “Oh, right! My name’s Chaeyoung.”</p><p>“I’m Tzuyu.”</p><p>“<em>Tzuyu</em>. Even your name sounds pretty.” Chaeyoung mumbles, still smiling, “I’ll see you around campus!”</p><p>“S-See you around,” she replies, feeling her cheeks grow hot. She’s well aware that she’s blushing, she’s just glad Chaeyoung wasn’t there to witness it.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo gets up as Sana dials Jihyo’s number, “I’m gonna get order a slice of cake.” Sana just nods before pressing her phone against her ear. Momo goes to the counter and looks over at the displays despite already knowing what she is going to order. She and Sana were the only customers inside so far so she gets served quickly. She makes her way back to their table just in time to hear Sana’s indignant protests.</p><p>“What? She told me <em>this</em> was an emergency.” Sana raises her voice, sounding aggravated.</p><p> “<em>She told me to tell you to just go with Momo. She and Jeongyeon will catch up with you guys later</em>.”</p><p>“Oh, they think they’re <em>clever</em>. Well, I for one a—” Sana grumbles, realizing that Tzuyu had just hung up on her, “—fuck.” She lets out a frustrated groan before putting her phone down on the table.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Momo asks, sitting back down and placing her tray on top of the table as gently as she could. Cakes were precious after all.</p><p>“Jihyo <em>and </em>Jeongyeon aren’t coming.” Sana replies, arms crossed across her chest as she looks away. She knows what Jeongyeon and Jihyo were up to, they were never really good at being subtle. Sana doesn’t know if she should feel grateful, or angry, or both.</p><p>“What?!” Momo shrieks, “What do you mean they’re not coming?”</p><p>Sana sighs, still avoiding eye contact, “Tzuyu said they had an emergency to tend to.”</p><p>“But Jeongyeon said <em>this </em>was an emergency.”</p><p>“I know. That’s what I said.”</p><p>Momo breathes out, shaking her head slightly, “Does this mean we have to take care of this one while they do whatever they’re doing now?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe.” Sana answers, voice sounding unsure and maybe even scared. Before she could get a word out, her phone vibrates and she sees Jeongyeon’s name pop up.</p><p><strong>jeongie<br/>[9:50 AM]<br/></strong>Sorry! Had to deal with another emergency with Jihyo.<br/>I heard sana’s there, maybe u guys could deal with the problem with the caterers?</p><p>“Jeongyeon says we have to deal with the caterers,” Momo reads off quietly.</p><p>Sana rolls her eyes, “Yeah right. Tell her she isn’t doing a good job at being subtle.”</p><p><strong>Me<br/>[9:51 AM]<br/></strong>we know what ur doing</p><p><strong>Jeongie<br/>[9:52 AM]<br/></strong>u can’t prove anything<br/>have fun ;)</p><p>Momo thinks to herself, <em>Fuck,</em>capitalized, bolded, underlined, size 125. Her mind swirling with anger and fear and nervousness. Spending the whole day with Sana? Driving around Seoul with Sana? Sitting next to Sana? Talking to Sana the whole day? Momo knows she can’t do those. How could she? When every second with her is confusing, when every second with her meant another brick off of the walls Momo’s labored to build over the past two years. She’s already slipping, falling for her again as if she’s ever stopped loving her in the first place.</p><p>“Already did.” she mumbles, “Anyways, whatever. I’m going to go back home.”</p><p>Sana just stares out the glass window of the bakeshop and doesn’t say anything else.</p><p>--</p><p>“They aren’t doing anything! And they just look angry.” Jihyo wails, putting her binoculars down.</p><p>“Calm down. I’ll let Nayeon take care of this.” Jeongyeon replies, grinning evilly.</p><p>Tzuyu looks at them with amusement and continues picking at her croissant.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo’s about to get up when she hears Sana’s phone buzz, the latter picks it up and groans in frustration for the nth time that day.</p><p>“They got Nayeon.” Sana mutters, Momo looks on in disbelief.</p><p>“What’d she say?”</p><p>“Apparently, there really is a problem with the caterers. We should just go and deal with it.”</p><p>Momo scoffs, “You do know that’s just part of whatever the hell it is they think they’re doing, right?”</p><p>“Could be. It could be a real emergency too.”</p><p>“The bridal shower’s going to be at a really high end club, why would there be an emergency?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Momo.” Sana says, voice sounding tired, “But honestly, I think we just suck it up and help our friends deal with whatever emergency this is.” Sana looks at her, not really doing a good job at hiding the sadness that is bubbling up. “I know spending probably the whole day with me is the last thing you want to do because let’s face it you hate me so, let’s just get this over with so you can leave.”</p><p> Momo’s eyebrows raise at tone of defeat in Sana’s statement, the exhaustion, the badly-disguised sadness seeping around the crooks of Sana’s voice. Momo thinks back to all the times she’s hurt her, all the times she’s told Sana that she wasn’t coming back, and she feels an odd knot forming around her heart.</p><p><em>I don’t hate you, </em>Momo wants to tell her, <em>I could never hate you. </em>She wants to lean over and throw her arms around her and tell her she loves her, tell her she’s sorry.</p><p>She doesn’t do or say any of those things. Instead, she looks at Sana and agrees quietly.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Sana nods, “Okay. Let’s go then.” She gets up, not making eye contact as she tries to disregard the ache in her chest when she sees the slice of blueberry cheesecake Momo had brought over.</p><p>--</p><p>They step outside of the bakeshop and walk towards Momo’s parking spot. Sana sees a black Bentley and she immediately realizes it’s Momo’s.</p><p>“Same car,” she says, voice almost inaudible, unable to stop herself from voicing out her observation.</p><p>“Uh, yeah. Buying a new car just because I got my heart broken just seemed impractical.” Momo replies casually before getting inside. Sana ignores the jab and gets in as well.</p><p>The car smells the same as it did two years ago, like strawberries mixed with a dash of vanilla from that one time Momo had accidentally knocked over a bottle of Sana’s vanilla perfume off the dashboard. They had to get the interior cleaned but no amount of expensive car care ever really got rid of the smell. Sana recalls Momo telling her “<em>You know what? I like the smell.”</em></p><p>“<em>You do? Why?” </em></p><p>She looks out the window and strains to dismiss the memory of Momo looking at her with so much love in her eyes when she tells Sana, “<em>Because it smells like you. It feels like you’re with me all the time.</em>”</p><p>“<em>Please, when will I ever not be with you?”</em></p><p>
  <em>“Oh, I don’t know, maybe you’ll dump me for someone who likes watermelons or I don't know... water.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I highly doubt that. You keep forgetting I’m in love with you.”</em>
</p><p>Sana remembers how she reached over the cup holder and intertwined her fingers with Momo’s. She remembers how Momo had smiled. Sana’s both amazed and frustrated at how much memories she had with Momo because it feels nice and great, to be reminded of the time when she was loved, but at the same time it just shoots an overwhelming amount of pain inside her veins because she knows that that was only in the past.</p><p>She fights the urge to reach over and hold her hand like she did before figuring that it’s the last thing Momo would want. She looks at the girl beside her from the corner of her eye and notices that she looks uncomfortable, she doesn’t know if it’s because of Sana’s short outburst from earlier or if it’s because the car ride is dead silent or both, so Sana clears her throat in an attempt to break the ice.</p><p>“It’s quiet. Can I turn the radio on?” she asks, exerting effort to sound upbeat and unbothered.</p><p>“Sure.” Momo replies, sounding unsure like she’s forgetting something.</p><p>Sana reaches out and turns the radio on and a song from one of the playlists Sana had made for her begins to croon softly through the speakers.</p><p>
  <em>‘Come to me now, don't let me go. Stay by my side, don't let me go. Stay with me still, I've missed you so.’</em>
</p><p>Her insides twist into tight knots and she feels like she might die, the song meant a lot to the both of them and Sana just sits there, stunned and unable to move, mind swimming with the implications and a shit ton of questions.</p><p>
  <em>You still listen to this?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why?</em>
</p><p>Sana holds her tongue. She hears Momo utter, “Fuck,” before the turning the radio off.</p><p>The car ride to the caterers grows silent as Momo continues driving.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Come Wednesday afternoon, Tzuyu had finally decided to go and play for Sana’s band. She figured Chaeyoung was right, she needed to live her life for herself if she wanted to have no regrets. She’s tired of what ifs and should-have-beens so, with her guitar strapped to her back, she steps inside the studio gingerly and takes a peek of the band from the huge glass window.</p><p>Tzuyu sees their bassist tuning her guitar while their vocalist was off at the side talking to their drummer who’s sitting on Sana’s lap, looking so at home and comfortable as she eat off a bag of chips. Their vocalist spots Tzuyu and taps Sana before motioning to where Tzuyu is standing. Sana cranes her neck away from Momo’s shoulders and grins when she spots her. Tzuyu waves awkwardly and watches as the drummer gets off of Sana’s lap and faces Tzuyu with a small smile before letting Sana saunter off towards the door.</p><p>“You came!” Sana greets happily, face lighting up like she won the lottery as soon as she swings the door open.</p><p>“Yeah. I kinda felt like I had something to prove.” Tzuyu tells her, feeling nervous all of a sudden. Not only does she want this, but she also really <em>needs </em>this; she treating it as an embodiment of hope, a symbol that one day she’s going to get the life she wants. She needs this to prove to herself that she <em>can</em>.</p><p>Sana grins at her, “Good. Come inside and I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Tzuyu nods and takes a step inside, following Sana as she makes her way towards the rest of the band.</p><p>“Everyone, this is Tzuyu.” Sana announces with flair that makes her sound like she’s a TV announcer, this makes the drummer roll her eyes and chuckle softly like she’s trying to hide how hilarious she finds Sana. Sana grins at her and introduces the band members in turn, “Tzuyu this is Jeongyeon, Jihyo, and Momo.”</p><p>The first thing Tzuyu notices is how Sana lets her gaze linger a second longer on Momo and how the latter gives her a soft smile before Sana turns back to Tzuyu. It’s a simple gesture but it already says a lot, there’s a level of intimacy there and Tzuyu’s struck by how much of it leaked out of one small exchange of movements.</p><p>The vocalist, Jihyo, flashes Tzuyu a bright smile, making her feel immensely better in an instant before shaking her hand, “Hi! We’re glad you actually came.”</p><p>“Yeah, we’re glad you didn’t get creeped out by Sana.” Jeongyeon jokes, earning a punch at her side from Sana as Momo laughs and says “True. I can’t believe you didn’t think she was a serial killer luring you some place.”</p><p>“My own girlfriend.” Sana exclaims dramatically, “The betrayal hurts.”</p><p>“Aw, don’t worry too much, babe. You’re the prettiest serial killer around.”</p><p>“Please, don’t mind them. They’re insane.” Jihyo says apologetically, but the crinkle in her eyes when she says that tells Tzuyu she likes their rambunctiousness. The youngest wonders if this is what happens when you do something you love doing with people love it as much as you do, wonders if that’s what belongingness looks like.</p><p>Tzuyu smiles back, laughing softly, “I can see that.”</p><p>Sana huffs, “<em>Anyways, </em>you can play for us now, Tzuyu. But if you don’t want to be in a band with these dummies, I completely understand.”</p><p>Jeongyeon laughs, “Ignore her. Please feel free to blow us away.”</p><p>“I’ll help you with the beat.” Momo tells her, beaming at her reassuringly and hopping off to where her drums were.</p><p>Tzuyu nods, her smile much more nervous than earlier, and walks towards the center. She takes her guitar out of the bag which she sets aside and plugs the guitar into the amp. She turns to Momo and says, “Heartbreaker by Led Zeppelin.”</p><p>Momo chuckles, impressed by Tzuyu’s song choice, and gives her a thumbs up. Tzuyu faces forward and tries to imagine herself alone in her room, playing her guitar when her parents weren’t around.</p><p>
  <em>Personally, I think you should say fuck it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s your life. Live it for yourself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you don’t do it now, when will you ever?</em>
</p><p>Tzuyu takes a deep breath, she lets go of the fear and abides by Chaeyoung’s words. The world disappears and she begins strumming the first few chords of the song.</p><p>--</p><p>They call Tzuyu their lucky charm.</p><p>She pretends she hates it but there’s no denying how happy and appreciated she feels when her bandmates call her that.  It’s Jeongyeon who starts it and the rest followed. They call her that because just five months after Tzuyu had joined them, they receive a call from Nayeon telling them that the studio she’s working for is branching out into music and that they’re looking for ‘<em>fresh, young talents’ </em>to invest in.</p><p>“I immediately thought of you guys.” Nayeon had told them.</p><p>To this day, each of them remembers one thing clearly from that time.</p><p>Jihyo recalls how heavy her heart pounded when she hears Nayeon utter those words through speaker call. She still recalsl the moment of silence while they all tried to process what was happening and nothing but Nayeon’s voice bringing them back to reality.</p><p>Jeongyeon remembers Nayeon asking them, “So, are you guys in?” And she remembers herself exclaiming “We’re broke college students <em>and </em>struggling musicians. I think we’re all in!” gleefully.</p><p>“Ya! Yoo Jeongyeon. Say I’m the best unnie!”</p><p>“You are the best unnie, I can’t believe I got myself to admit that.”</p><p>Tzuyu remembers trying to stop the tears that have formed in her eyes from falling, she remembers the members hugging her and telling her she did it. Tzuyu remembers thinking she’s finally free.</p><p>Momo remembers how tight Sana had squeezed her hands, how red her cheeks were from the surge of joy she must have been feeling.</p><p>Sana remembers telling Momo she loves her and she remembers Momo saying it back.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo and Sana arrive at the caterers address in silence. Momo gets out of the car wordlessly while Sana tries to take no notice of the stinging in her eyes.</p><p>They step inside and are both greeted by the cool air of the building. The walls are cream colored and it’s bright — almost <em>too </em>bright that it hurt Sana’s eyes. The receptionist catches sight of them and beams at them, “Good morning. What can I do for you today?”</p><p>“I was told there was a problem regarding the appetizers for tonight?”</p><p>The redheaded receptionist nods in comprehension, “Ah yes. Miss Im and Myoui told me they were sending other people in their stead,” She types in something on her keyboard and reads whatever it was on her screen, “Mrs. Hirai-Minatozaki, correct?”</p><p>Sana stays still, waiting for Momo’s reaction. She could see the tiny shudders present on Momo’s shoulders as she cringes. The pain that shoots through Sana’s veins is visceral; it’s come to this, to Momo hating just hearing their last names together, shuddering and cringing at the sound of being called Mrs. She tries not to cry.</p><p>“Yes.” Momo says, sounding forced, like it hurt every part of her to just say one word.</p><p>The receptionist, oblivious to the inner conflict, grins at them, “Alright. Right this way, ladies.” She gets up from her seat before leading them both to a table near the corner, “Our head chef will be right out.”</p><p>Momo nods and Sana avoids her eyes as they wait. Momo wishes she just went home, wishes she is back at the penthouse alone and away from Sana and all the imprints she had left. She wishes she isn’t with her, that way she wouldn’t have to how sad Sana’s eyes look, wouldn’t have to fight the urge to wrap her arms around her and never let go.</p><p>She wills her feelings to vanish because she knows she’s so close to surrendering, to telling Jeongyeon and their friends that they won, that she wants Sana back, that she still loves her. And them winning would mean that she lost, that she will get hurt again, that things will get bad again and it’ll open up another opportunity for Sana to leave her again.</p><p>Momo can’t do that. She just can’t.</p><p>She looks at Sana and lets the ache consume her.</p><p>--</p><p>Apparently, the appetizers that Nayeon and Mina had chosen weren’t going to be available. There was some problem with the main ingredient, a shortage of some sort, and somehow this high end catering service failed to plot a contingency plan in case that happens. And now, it’s Momo and Sana’s job to pick one for their friends which is conveniently fitting since Momo had a knack for food related things and Sana’s good at critiquing presentation.</p><p>The head chef comes out and shows them each a menu containing the available appetizers they have and Momo’s mouth immediately waters. She briefly forgets that she’s with Sana, her ex-wife, and deludes herself into thinking that she’s with Sana, her wife and the love of her earthly life, that all is great, no divorce to settle on Monday.</p><p>“The crab rangoons look great, what do you think?” Momo asks, hoping that it’s enough to break the tension and the sadness surrounding the two of them. Sana gives her a small smile, “Yeah they do look good. So do the steak and blue cheese bruschetta.”</p><p>Momo stares at the picture and contemplates, “Hm. Should we try them both?”</p><p>Sana nods curtly, “Sure.”</p><p>Momo calls to the server and tells him what they’re getting. He leaves and they’re alone again.</p><p>“Good to know we’re getting free food.” Sana tells her after several very long and very agonizing minutes, “I guess that makes up for our friends’ evil plan?”</p><p>To which Momo responds with an eye roll, “If they think they can bribe me with food —” she stops when she sees the server come back with the testers and waits for him to place the plates in front of them, she looks at Sana and continues “—they’re absolutely right.” She takes her fork and begins to eat, Sana laughs softly and follows her lead.</p><p>“These are delicious.” Momo comments after her second piece of rangoon.</p><p>“Mm. They are but honestly, nothing beats the ones we had back in Hawaii.” Sana replies, unable to stop herself. She half-expects Momo to cringe but the girl just chuckles, “From the one of the restaurants we ate at during our honeymoon? Top of Waikiki, right?”</p><p>Sana blinks, briefly taken aback by how casual Momo mentioned their honeymoon considering she visibly cringed when the receptionist called her Mrs. Hirai-Minatozaki earlier. “Y-Yeah. The food there was really fucking amazing. Didn’t we plan to go back?”</p><p>“Yeah but you were someplace else and I wasn’t really having it.” Momo says dismissively.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Sana replies.</p><p>“Let’s not… talk about it, okay?” Momo answers, breathing out, “It’s not going to change anything.”</p><p>
  <em>Hirai Momo, you are a liar. </em>
</p><p>Sana falls silent.</p><p>“We have good food, and we’ll eat even more tonight, and our friends are getting married tomorrow too. So let’s just try to have a good time, Sana.” Momo continues, lying like it’s second nature to her.</p><p>
  <em>Say no, Sana. Tell me no, Sana.</em>
</p><p>“Okay.” is all Sana says before picking up another piece of bruschetta.</p><p>Momo convinces herself that this is what she wants, that this is for the best. Still, she feels her heart clench when she realizes that Sana seems to be agreeing.</p><p>--</p><p>Way across the room sits Jeongyeon, Jihyo, and Tzuyu. They trailed behind Momo’s car and arrived a few minutes after Sana and Momo did, purposely chosing the table right across theirs for easy viewing. They’re still in their disguises and they’re not really exposed to the risk of being bothered anymore since this food establishment had just been recently bought by Jeongyeon’s father. She’d told them to not worry because it’s pretty recent and Momo doesn’t know yet, she’d told them they would be in the clear.</p><p>And they were, Jeongyeon seems to have roped all of the staff in on their plan but Jihyo looks like she’s about to lose every time Momo and Sana stop speaking to each other.</p><p>“They’re just ignoring each other.” Jihyo whines to Jeongyeon who just shrugs, “Think they got put off when I asked Nayeon to put Mrs. Hirai-Minatozaki?”</p><p>“That would have bothered Momo.” Tzuyu suggests, taking a chunk of bread from the complimentary basket.</p><p>“Oh, wait they’re talking!” Jihyo hisses behind her glass of mimosa.</p><p>“Momo laughed! My plan is working!” Jeongyeon says with a devilish grin.</p><p>Jihyo’s face falls just as quickly as it had perked up, “Oh wait now they look serious.”</p><p>“Why is this an emotional rollercoaster for us. We aren’t the ones getting divorced.” Tzuyu says jokingly.</p><p>“I think we need love lives of our own, honestly.” Jihyo replies, staring blankly ahead, her expression a mix of acceptance and doom.</p><p>“Shhhh, they’re back to laughing again! Now to make things even more romantic,” Jeongyeon announces, rubbing her hands together like a maniacal mastermind. She calls the server and asks them to bring out the champagne for the couple to which the server complies and carries the champagne over to Sana and Momo’s table.</p><p>A look of surprise which then turned to delight crosses Momo’s face as the server hands them two glasses and puts the bottle down on their table. When he leaves, Jeongyeon could see Momo smiling, and the three of them could hear the couple’s laughter echoing all over the room.</p><p>“<em>Oh, shut up. You refused to even taste the watermelon panna cotta they offered!” </em>they hear Sana say rather loudly.</p><p>“<em>Well, it was <strong>my </strong>wedding, I didn’t even want to think about having anything watermelon on the menu,” </em>comes Momo’s also loud response.</p><p>“<em>Booooo. What did watermelons ever do to you?” </em></p><p>The two of them erupt in laughter again.</p><p>Jeongyeon watches them, and listens to them, hand over her heart, and she almost tears up. It took years but her best friend’s smile finally reaches her eyes.</p><p>“Romance is great.” Tzuyu says dreamily, leaning back on her seat with a smile.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>It’s their first show back after a very successful world tour, Seoul was their home and it’d be a shame if they didn’t play one last show there to end the world tour of all world tours before they rest. And everyone’s pretty much pumped up; the air is swirling with satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride.</p><p>They’re home.</p><p>And there’s always something exhilarating when they’re playing at their turf, there’s no bias to the statement either. They can play in front of different crowds all over the world but they know Seoul; the city speaks to them, they know how it consumes and how it destroys. And that kind of connection isn’t easily replicated.</p><p>“Hey,” Momo says as she steps up next to Sana, they’re hiding in the wings while they wait for their cue.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” Sana replies with a grin, “Last show before our break, how are you feeling?”</p><p>“Well, I had a really great tour and the fans were wild but honestly I’m just glad I get to go home with you.”</p><p>Sana nods, impressed with how casual Momo has gotten with showing her affections, “Wow, Hirai. You’ve become a pretty good sweet talker.”</p><p>“Learned from the best.”</p><p>Sana laughs, giving Momo a soft nudge, “Shut up.”</p><p>“I’m excited.” Momo adds, smiling, ““There’s always something magical about playing here.” </p><p>“There is.” Sana replies, wistful, eyes peering behind the wings. The crowd’s already ecstatic, she can practically hear them screaming from behind. She looks at Momo and thinks that she’s the luckiest girl in the planet.</p><p> </p><p>Their stage manager’s voice finally echoes from backstage, “BDZ on stage, lights come in in five - four--”</p><p>Momo lets out a chuckle and says something almost inaudible before running to her seat behind the drums but Sana’s able to pick up the ‘<em>I love you’ </em>despite the roar of the crowd. She mouths ‘<em>I love you too’ </em>before she scrambles and settles into her position; the lights flicker before dimming, white lights flash, engulfing the entire arena like lightning. Jihyo catches her eye and flashes her a bright smile, Sana beams back and waits.</p><p>She comes in with the first riff with Tzuyu following not too soon after. Momo builds up the beat; the crowd screams, shouts their names, and sings along with the words as soon as they leave Jihyo’s lips. They know every word; it’s superb, wild, it’s consuming, and Momo is right — it’s fucking magical.</p><p>They’re infinite, invincible. And they’re home.</p><p>--</p><p>They finish the show still energized despite the fact that their limbs hurt.</p><p>“I can’t believe it. We finished a world tour!” Momo exclaims gleefully, hand squeezing Sana’s as they walk backstage.</p><p>“We fucking did!” Jeongyeon yells, overjoyed and still pumped up with leftover adrenaline.</p><p>“I love you guys.” Sana tells them, heart overflowing with affection and gratefulness; she gets to do this with the people she cares about deeply, she gets to do this with the girl she loves.</p><p>“You cheeseball.” Jeongyeon says playfully before pulling her friends into a tight hug.</p><p>“Let’s do this for a million more years.” Jihyo answers, smiling even if her cheeks hurt.</p><p>“A million more years. I can work with that.” Tzuyu replies.</p><p>“Hello, say thank you Nayeon <em>unnie</em>.” Nayeon teases from behind. Jeongyeon pulls her into the group hug.</p><p>They’ve done it, they have it all. And everything is right in the world.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo and Sana decide not to go home with the rest of the group. They both agreed to stop by Sweet Tooth to buy and eat celebratory dessert. It’s become kind of a tradition for them, back in college they used to do this after a grueling exam or a tiring evaluation and they carried it even after they got famous. It’s trickier to walk the streets without getting recognized though, so they bundle up in their matching dark grey track suits and baseball caps before leaving the venue from the back exit.</p><p>It’s a cold night out, and Sana thinks it might rain before they reach the bakeshop.</p><p>“I wish I brought our car.” Momo mumbles regretfully.</p><p>“Pfft. It’s fine, I like taking walks with you.”</p><p>“You’re scared of thunder though.”</p><p>“That’s why we should hurry, slow walker. I only have this cap on.” Sana whines, making a big show of motioning to her baseball cap.</p><p>“Okay, okay, bossy.” Momo harrumphs in annoyance, sticking her tongue out at Sana who giggles at her childish response. She holds her hand tighter as they begin to pick up their pace but they don’t make it though. They run when they feel the first few droplets fall from the sky to their skin but more water falls before they even make it halfway to the bakeshop.</p><p>“Well, we’re wet.” Sana says, slowing to a stop at the sidewalk. They’re in front of a music store and Momo’s surprised that it’s still open that late. They can hear music leaking through the walls despite the patter of the rain.</p><p>
  <em>Come to me now, don't let me go.</em>
</p><p>“Yeah, we are. Why are you slowing down?” Momo asks, confused, not really pleased with getting wet from the rain.</p><p>“It’s more romantic this way.” Sana replies wistfully, trying to mimic a princess talking about finding her true love’s kiss.</p><p>
  <em>Stay by my side.</em>
</p><p>“There might be thunder.” Momo tells her, raising an eyebrow, struck by Sana’s carefreeness.</p><p>“It’s just a rainstorm.” Sana shrugs, smiling softly, “Besides, I feel safer with you.”</p><p>
  <em>Don't let me go.</em>
</p><p>They stand there under the pouring rain and Momo stares at her for a moment, contemplating, struck by how absolutely ethereal Sana looks even when she’s drenched in rainwater. Water droplets hit the top of Sana’s pink head, another sliding down Momo’s cheek, most of them trickling down from the sleeves of their tracksuits down to their backs. Momo’s feels overwhelmed, it feels like the world is ending and there’s no one else but her and Sana.</p><p>
  <em>Stay with me still.</em>
</p><p>Sana, Sana, Sana; her soulmate, her best friend who’s smiling and laughing and twirling around under the rush of rain like she’s not afraid of storms.</p><p>Momo’s heart begins to bloom, she feels the same way when she first met her, when she first realized that she loved her immensely.</p><p>
  <em>I've missed you so.</em>
</p><p>“Marry me.” Momo blurts out.</p><p>“What?” Sana asks, caught off guard.</p><p>Momo replies, “I don’t have the ring with me —”</p><p>“—There’s already a ring? —”</p><p>“But I have my hair tie?” Momo rambles, proceeding to take her think black hair tie off her wrist and taking Sana’s hand.</p><p>“Are you serious?” Sana questions, heart beating wildly against her chest. Momo looks back at her and Sana’s hit by the intensity and the sincerity of her gaze.</p><p>“I love you, Sana. I’ve been in love with you for five years but it feels like I’ve loved you all my life. Marry me.”</p><p>“Fuck.” Sana mutters, she knows she’s about to cry, “I’ll love you for the rest of mine. Of course, I’ll marry you.” She reaches out, fists Momo’s tracksuit in her hands, pulls her forward and kisses her. It’s languid, and gentle, like there’s no rush, like she’s already won. Momo’s eyelids flutter close her palms slip across Sana cheeks, dampened by the rain, as she kisses her back in surrender.</p><p>It isn’t their first kiss, but with the way Momo sighs into Sana’s mouth, with the way Sana’s fingers comb through Momo’s hair, how she tastes like rain and vanilla, how her heartbeat feels electrifying, Sana feels like it is.</p><p>Sana holds her closer, keeps kissing her, and Momo suddenly doesn’t mind the storm anymore.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>After a few hours of talking, tasting, and critiquing the presented food, the two of them finally decided on the appetizers and the dessert. They step outside the building, feeling lighter than when they first entered.</p><p>“That wasn’t too bad was it?” Sana asks, looking over at Momo beside her as they walk towards her car.</p><p>“Yeah it really wasn’t, I gue — hey, you hear that noise?" Momo asks, smile dying from lips even before Sana could catch a glimpse of it.</p><p>"No?” Sana responds, they’re almost halfway to the parking spot and the sidewalk is eerily silent, “Hear what?"</p><p>"Feels like a stampede is coming," Momo mutters, brows furrowed and voice serious. That’s when Sana sees the first one with a huge camera step out from behind one of the cars in front of them. She and Momo exchange looks of worry. "Shit! They found us.”</p><p>“Fuck. Give me a break.”</p><p>“Hide! Don't let them see the whites of your eyes!" Sana yelps, turning around and searching for a convenient hole in the wall to hide in. Momo is unable to stop the giggle that rises up from her chest, Sana's always had a flair for the dramatics and Momo had always found it hilarious. But there are a few more paparazzi and tabloid reporters and a few fans who come out of hiding and Sana begins to feel trapped.</p><p>Suddenly, Momo grabs her hand and makes a break for it with Sana in tow, away from the people and their huge ass camera lenses about to close in on them. Sana feels the ache in her knees but pushes forward trying to match Momo’s pace anyways. She curses the reporters inside her head, and inwardly whines about how having no privacy is one of the reasons why she hated the thought of coming back.</p><p>They dart quickly to an alleyway behind three telephone booths on the sidewalk and hold their breaths as they wait for the people who were trailing behind them to pass the booths. The two of them hear the chatter of people and footsteps making their way past them and they both sigh in relief. Momo erupts into loud guffaws.</p><p>“God. I really didn’t miss that.” Sana mumbles, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself.</p><p>“They must have recognized the car or something. I’m sorry.” Momo says, looking into Sana’s eyes as her laughter dies down.</p><p>Sana blinks, momentarily stunned, “I-It’s okay.” Momo looks like she’s stunned at the eye contact as well, so Sana thinks of a way to diffuse the sudden awkwardness and her feelings that are akin to what high school schoolgirls feel like when their crushes look them in the eyes or does so much as make eye contact with them. She ends up grinning teasingly at Momo, “I’m glad you like me enough to save me.”</p><p>That seems to work because Momo huffs and rolls her eyes, “Our friends would beat my ass if I left you to die.”</p><p>“In denial.” Sana singsongs.</p><p>"You really think I still like you?" Momo asks her, eyebrows quirking upwards.</p><p>Sana gives her the smuggest grin she could muster, "You're holding my hand and staring into my eyes. So yes."</p><p>Momo looks down, eyes widening in realization. She is indeed still holding Sana’s hand, tightly and with their fingers laced together just like they used to.</p><p>“Ugh,” she harrumphs, letting go of the smug hand of the girl beside her.</p><p>Sana laughs, “Look at you blushing. I can’t believe it.”</p><p>
  <em>Stop.</em>
</p><p>“Shut up. Before I go insane.”</p><p>“Fine, fine. I’ll let you have this one.” Sana replies, she gives Momo a soft smile and adds, “I had fun honestly.”</p><p>Momo shuts her eyes and breathes out before thinking <em>‘fuck it, whatever’ </em>and says, “I did too. Even though I had to go out and take care of something despite having a terrible headache from all the drinking last night, I’m glad I got to do it with you.”</p><p>Sana feels like her heart is about to burst inside her chest, “I’m glad I got to do it with you too.”</p><p>Momo sighs, “Please don’t tell Jeongyeon. I’m sure she’s going to gloat.”</p><p>Sana extends her hand and Momo seems to get what she means because she reaches out and takes hers, shaking it firmly as Sana says “Deal.”</p><p>--</p><p>Back in the restaurant, the trio sees the entire debacle, they see Momo hold Sana’s hand, laughing as they run away from the paparazzi and the fans. They shake each other’s hands and begins congrulating themselves for a job well done.</p><p>“Well, I didn’t plan the paparazzi thing so I guess we should thank Lady Luck or something.” Jeongyeon says with a sheepish grin.</p><p>Jihyo beams back at her, “I can’t believe we pulled this off.”</p><p>“Eagle One, Eagle Two, it’s been an honor.” Tzuyu tells her friends, her tone bearing the solemnity of a soldier who just fought in a war.</p><p>Jeongyeon ruffles her hair and replies, “Our work here is done, T-Rex.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i can't believe this took over a month. thank you so much for the comments you guys leave after reading. i don't reply often but it really means a lot. thank you for continuing to read this fic!</p><p>three chapters left. i hope ya'll enjoy :)</p><p>again, i'm _momorings on twt.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Momo looks at Sana and tastes regret on her tongue.<br/>Sana looks at Momo and thinks, "I had it all."</p><p>-</p><p>so, there's a wedding.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>seven.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Momo and Sana arrive at the club together, completely aware of what their friends had done and what exactly their goal was. Behind the clear glass walls of the VIP room, they spy the rest of the band, talking and eating, obviously unaware that the pair had arrived.</p><p>“Sana,” Momo whispers, grabbing Sana’s hand and pulling her back from view. Sana blinks and pushes her brows together in confusion, trying to ignore the fact that Momo was holding her hand and the fact their faces are close enough for their noses to almost touch. “What’s wrong?” Sana whispers back.</p><p>“Don’t tell them their plan worked,” she warns seriously.</p><p>Sana giggles, “I won’t, I already promised you.” She looks over to the where their friends are and adds, “Let’s go?”</p><p>Momo nods once, moving away, “Alright.”</p><p>Sana waits for the feeling of emptiness on her hand, waits for the moment that Momo lets go and they go back to acting like they aren’t the least bit amicable, like they didn’t just spend almost the whole day together. But the moment doesn’t come, Sana doesn’t know if Momo somehow <em>forgot </em>that they’re holding hands or if she actually doesn’t mind. Nevertheless, Momo doesn’t let go, so Sana doesn’t either.</p><p>Momo leads them to the room, dodging servers with trays and a bunch of other customers. Jeongyeon sees them, Momo rolls her eyes at her best friend’s not so subtle attempt at nudging Jihyo in the arm secretly. Jeongyeon loudly clears her throat when the pair reaches the huge mahogany table.</p><p>“Hey!” she greets, “You guys came together! Sorry I couldn’t catch up with you earlier.”</p><p>Jihyo gives them an apologetic smile. “Sorry I couldn’t either.”</p><p>Sana laughs dryly, “You’re the worst actress ever, Ji.”</p><p>“You too, Yoo Jeongyeon.” Momo adds, glaring at her. There’s not heat to it though, she knows they had good intentions.</p><p>The girls in question immediately scramble to don an innocent expression. “What do you mean?!” Jeongyeon asks, voice an octave higher. Momo and Sana exchange a look, seemingly having one of their telepathic conversations and agreeing to mess with them.</p><p>“Oh, you know what you did.” Sana replies dismissively, smiling smugly as she turns her eyes back to them, clearly enjoying teasing their friends, “Your plan sucked.”</p><p>“We hate to break it to you but we’re still getting divorced.” Momo says smoothly, “You guys failed.” Sana’s smile falls slowly upon hearing the statement.</p><p><em>Well, you don’t have to rub it in, Momo, </em>she finds herself wanting to say. Suddenly, Momo’s hand feels heavy in her own, like she’s carrying a heavy chain and not holding the hand of the person she loves the most. She’s suddenly unable to speak, the air of playfulness in her has completely vanished.</p><p>Jeongyeon scoffs, there’s a pout on her lips, “Well, I’m not sorry. Everyone was in it.”</p><p>Momo raises an eyebrow, “I can’t believe you. Even Tzuyu?”</p><p>The youngest rolls her eyes. “Yeah. <em>Everyone </em>was in it.”</p><p>“Unbelievable.” Momo mutters.</p><p>“What is unbelievable is you guys pretending it didn’t work.” Tzuyu replies in disbelief.</p><p>“We aren’t pretending.” Momo argues.</p><p>Tzuyu smiles, “Yeah right. Considering you guys came here together <em>holding hands </em>I might add, it’s safe to say our plan worked a little.”</p><p>Everyone’s eyes drop to look at the ex-couple’s intertwined hands; Jeongyeon lets out a very loud laugh while Jihyo does her best to stop a giggle from erupting. Momo blinks, finally aware that she hasn’t let go of Sana’s hand. She mentally kicks herself for getting swept away by the way it had felt natural, by the way Sana’s hand felt like it had always belonged with hers and that a couple of years apart wasn’t going to change that.</p><p>“Whatever.” Momo mutters, hastily letting go of Sana. “Where are the brides?” she asks as slides into an empty seat next to Jeongyeon.</p><p>Sana stays silent, stays rooted in her spot, and tries not to cry; she hates that her hand feels empty, alone. She realizes Tzuyu was looking at her, worried. She gives the youngest a reassuring smile and slides onto the spot next to Momo.</p><p>“Nayeon and Mina are both on their way. They went with Chaeyoung to pick Dahyun up from the airport.”</p><p>Momo reaches for a menu and asks, eyes gleaming in excitement, “Dahyun’s coming?”</p><p>Tzuyu nods, “Yeah. She had a week off after their tour she booked a flight to come home for the wedding.”</p><p>“Nice.” Momo replies with a smile, “I hope she brought snacks from, uh, where is their latest stop?”</p><p>“Belgium.” Jihyo answers.                                 </p><p>“Who’s Dahyun?” Sana asks, face twisting in confusion.</p><p>“She’s a concert pianist for the KSO and Chaeyoung’s best friend.”</p><p>“And she and Mina go way back in college.”</p><p>Sana nods slowly, “Oh, wow. Small world.”  </p><p>“Yep. <em>Anyways, </em>you’re sitting beside each other!” Jeongyeon exclaims, “My plan worked! You can suck it.”</p><p>“It’s not a big deal, you loser.” Momo replies, she throws Sana a glance, “Right?”</p><p>Sana forces out a laugh, hoping it doesn’t sound as fake as it really is, “Of course not.”</p><p>“You guys are still getting divorced but you seem, I don’t know, better?” Jihyo observes, looking at the both of them with the intensity of a detective who’s so close to cracking a case.</p><p>Momo puts the menu down and looks at Sana, who looks back at her with eyebrows raised as if to say ‘<em>What?’ </em></p><p>“We’re…” Momo begins, furrowing her brows together as she tries to find the right words to say.</p><p>How could she tell them that she’s losing her grip, losing the very last modicum of self-control she has?</p><p>How can she tell them that she’s still in love with Sana?</p><p>How can she tell everyone — <em>Sana </em>that she might not want the divorce anymore but she’s still scared?</p><p>Loving Sana was inviting pain back into her life, how can she tell her she doesn’t want to get hurt anymore?</p><p>How can she sum everything up with just one word?</p><p>She stares at Sana and sighs, “…okay.”</p><p>Sana gives her a small smile, at least there is that, at least there’s some sort of guarantee that Momo isn’t going to act like she hates Sana with her entire being, or act like Sana doesn’t exist at all. At least she gets to keep her close.</p><p>She feels a familiar knot in her chest when Momo smiles back.</p><p>“We’re okay.” Momo says again, more to herself than to everyone.</p><p>It’s a lie.</p><p>“We’re okay.” Sana repeats.</p><p>But they like to pretend anyway.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Mina is supposed to feel very exhausted, too exhausted to even keep her eyes open. After a twelve hour flight from Seoul to Paris, she’s supposed to be sound asleep already on the very beautiful bed inside her school sponsored apartment. But it doesn’t seem like sleep is going to come and take her soon even if her new bed feels so soft and comfortable because her mind doesn’t seem to be planning to shut up about the person she left behind.</p><p>Every time she thinks about her, about how things ended between them, she feels the urge to cry. She can’t close her eyes without getting plagued by the image of Nayeon, just sitting in their usual booth at the diner, staring at her blankly in resignation. She had known something wasn’t right, that whatever was bothering Nayeon is a big deal. She had wanted to help, and she could have but Nayeon chose to push her away, chose to disappear without giving any warning.</p><p>Needless to say, Mina was a wreck during the weeks that Nayeon wasn’t talking to her. She had messed up several follow up evaluations that put her Paris internship in danger, everything was about to fall apart. So as much as she loved — <em>loves </em>her, she’d realized that she couldn’t keep putting her plans and her own shit aside all the time just for her.</p><p>She wasn’t being fair to herself.  </p><p>Still, something inside her was ruined, dismantled, and broken when she walked away. She remembers clearly how hard she tried to keep her voice in control, to keep from crying and taking what she said back. She remembers how much strength it took her to step out of the diner and go home.</p><p>During the days before she left, she’d kept finding herself making her way to Nayeon’s dorm, to her university, to the diner. And she’d kept wandering around to places where they used to go to. She almost ended up dialing Nayeon’s number the night before her flight in an attempt to ask her to get back together.</p><p>But of course, all of those were almosts, all of those were near misses.</p><p>She’s in Paris, taking the steps she needed to take to achieve what she had always wanted to do.</p><p>She’s in Paris but she’s alone.</p><p>Mina feels the urge to cry again, her chest feels heavy and her heart feels like something’s trapped it in a tight grip. She gets up and starts to unpack her things, it’s a feeble attempt to distract herself sure, but it’s a start, organizing things had always calmed her down.</p><p>And it works.</p><p>For a few minutes it does.</p><p>Her phone buzzes to life and she reaches over to grab it from the bed. She reads a message from the ballet company welcoming her to the city and telling her that they are excited to meet her the next day. Mina closes the message and she’s greeted by her home screen display; it’s a picture of Nayeon she took when the girl was too busy looking at the menu of the snack stands in Everland. Nayeon had a look of wonder, eyes shining like she had just discovered the secrets of the world and not looking at a snack menu. Mina remembers thinking, <em>there she is, that’s the girl I love</em>, before reaching inside her pocket and snapping a picture. She remembers Nayeon throwing her a questioning look when she notices the sound of the camera’s shutter and Mina smiling innocently at her, pretending she didn’t have a love struck moment just seconds before.</p><p>Mina laughs, it’s hollow and hoarse.</p><p>There it is again, the tightness inside her chest. This time she doesn’t even try, she succumbs to it and lets herself break into tears.</p><p>Paris held her dreams, the things she had worked her ass off for.</p><p>Paris is beautiful, scenic, and rich in history, and Mina fits right in.</p><p>But Paris doesn’t have an Im Nayeon.</p><p>And somehow, that fact is enough of a reason to make her want to pack up and go home.</p><p>--</p><p>She doesn’t sleep much the first two weeks she’s in Paris.</p><p>Mina has never been a big fan but coffee becomes her best friend, becomes her only company during the warm nights she spends looking out her window and thinking of home, of the how the air used to smell like freshly cut lemons every morning on her way to school.</p><p>Most of those nights, however, are spent thinking of Nayeon; what she’s doing, how she is, if she’s okay. Sometimes, she finds herself scrolling through her phone gallery, looking at all the pictures of Nayeon she knows she’s supposed to delete. Sometimes, she finds her fingers hovering over the girl’s contact name, just one breath away from pressing the call button on her screen. Sometimes, she thinks of reactivating all her social media accounts just to see any sign of Nayeon. Most of the time, she just sobs and allows herself to wallow in the loneliness.</p><p>She chose this, chose to leave things broken between her and the girl she’s sure she’s never going to get over and move on from.</p><p><em>Love or duty, </em>Nayeon asked her once.</p><p><em>Love, </em>Mina had answered.</p><p><em>Liar, </em>she thinks to herself, drawing her knees closer to her chest and sobbing against her kneecaps, <em>you’re a liar, Myoui Mina</em>.</p><p>Nayeon ended up being right about her; responsibility outweighed everything else.</p><p>--</p><p>Eventually, things get better for her.</p><p>Her performance in her internship is deemed exemplary and she knows she has a future in the dance company, she won the WBC, and she only has one more year left until she sets off into the career that she’s worked her whole life for, one more year until she can finally taste victory.</p><p>It serves as good motivation in getting up every morning even if there are still days and nights where she’s hit by random bouts of misery and loneliness.</p><p>Most of the time.</p><p>At least enough for her to get through a year in Paris without Jihyo’s presence in the apartment, without Nayeon’s company, and without the band that she’s grown close to.</p><p>Still, she longs for a reminder of home and months later it comes in the form of an instrumental music major named Kim Dahyun. She reads off the details listed in their school’s email telling her they were sending the student over for an exchange program. Dahyun’s apparently a year younger, has a focus on piano and won the International Tchaikovsky competition when she was just a freshman. Mina’s impressed, and most of all, she’s glad she’s finally going to have a friend from home.</p><p>Dahyun arrives at the apartment on a Saturday evening, hair black and pinned to the sides, smile as bright as the fairy lights above Mina’s bed, chest rising and falling in obvious exhaustion probably from lugging her bags up to the third floor. Mina introduces herself and welcomes her, helps her carry the bags inside and sets them on the empty bed.</p><p>“Were you this exhausted after your flight?” Dahyun asks, plopping down on her bed.</p><p>Mina smiles, nodding, turning back to the pot of chicken she’s been cooking, “Yeah. Twelve hours on a plane is pretty draining.”</p><p>“Right?” Dahyun replies, eyebrows shooting up as her voice rises, she groans, “I swear, I felt like my butt died six hours in.”</p><p>Mina laughs freely, it’s the first time she does after a little over a year. “My condolences.”</p><p>Dahyun giggles.</p><p>“You must be hungry though.” Mina says, looking over her shoulder.</p><p>The girl nods, “Starving. I’ve already begun to miss the taste of <em>samgyetang</em>.”</p><p>Mina turns the stove off and carries the pot to the small dining table before setting up the plates. “I don’t have samgyetang right now but I do have chicken fricassee.”</p><p>Dahyun looks at her like she’s given her a billion won, and then she wails, “You’re already my favorite friend!”</p><p>--</p><p>They eat dinner and have a nice conversation about what Dahyun should look forward to. They touch on their life at KNUA as well.</p><p>“I was actually intimidated when I learned I was going to be living with you.” Dahyun admits, taking a swig of her water.</p><p>Mina looks at her in slight disbelief, “What? Why?”</p><p>“You’re a pretty popular student, and world travels fast. I remember hearing you were the prodigy in the dance department.”</p><p>“That’s a pretty high pedestal they’ve put me on,” Mina replies shaking her head.</p><p>“It is.” Dahyun affirms, “It’s a lonely one too.”</p><p>Mina looks out the window, stars fading against the light of the city lights, and thinks of how Nayeon’s eyes used to twinkle. “Yeah. A very lonely one.”</p><p>Dahyun follows her gaze, placing her elbows on the table and putting her chin on her palm. “I already miss my family. And my dog, Ahri.”  The younger girl throws her a glance, “What about you? Anyone you left behind?”</p><p>“My dog, Ray,” she replies, a small smile on her face, “and a few friends.”</p><p>
  <em>Nayeon. I left Nayeon behind.</em>
</p><p>“It’s gonna suck here, huh?” Dahyun asks, voice strained.</p><p>“You’ll get used to it,” Mina murmurs softly, “It doesn’t stop being sad though.”</p><p> Dahyun hums thoughtfully. Mina tears her eyes away from the Parisian skyline and looks at her, “Hey, Dahyun.”</p><p>The girl looks up, “Hm?”</p><p>“Tell me about home.”</p><p>Dahyun smiles, “Okay.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Nayeon and Mina arrive together with Dahyun and Chaeyoung in tow.</p><p>Tzuyu’s face lights up when they sit beside her, immediately falling into conversation and dragging Jihyo and Mina in it as well.</p><p>Nayeon throws Jeongyeon a subtle look when she sees Sana and Momo sitting together, talking, and being in their own world like they used to before.</p><p>Something inside Nayeon feels lighter — perhaps it’s relief.</p><p>Jeongyeon smirks proudly and Nayeon shakes her head, a smile on her face before she looks away, hugging Mina from the back.</p><p>The rest of the guests finally arrive; there are a few people they know from uni, a handful of their industry friends, and it isn’t until Jennie and Jisoo from Nayeon’s former production studio step inside the room that they officially start the party. Sana’s thankful the room isn’t crowded since the couple wanted the whole thing to be private and intimate, which meant only their closest friends were invited.  </p><p>The party ends up being a pretty fun event and thankfully not at all like anything mentioned in Jeongyeon’s mildy threatening ‘<em>Hey girls! Bachelorette party coming up! Pack your sexiest bikinis, we’re going to swim in vodka ;)</em>’ text updates for everyone in the bridal party. They play stupid games which had the rest of them slightly tipsy and intoxicated and they ended up exchanging stories that were either embarrassing, romantic, or an odd mix of both.</p><p>Nayeon notices Mina standing by the window, glass of white wine on her dainty hand while everyone else immerse themselves in the tales of whoever was speaking. She gets up from her seat and makes her way to Mina.</p><p>“Hey,” she says, stepping beside her, “why is a pretty lady like you standing here alone?”</p><p>Mina laughs softly. “Are you trying to pick me up? I have a fiancée.”</p><p>Nayeon holds her hands up in surrender. “Oh! I’m sorry! I should have known someone like you is already taken.”</p><p>Mina takes a sip of her wine, smiling behind her glass. “My fiancée will kick your ass,” she says rather smugly.</p><p>“Yeah right,” Nayeon replies with a roll of her eyes. She gives Mina a small smile, “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“We’re getting married tomorrow.” Nayeon tells her as if Mina had forgotten, as if Mina ever stopped thinking about it ever since they got engaged.</p><p>“We are.” Mina answers, nodding.</p><p>“And? Aren’t you nervous?”</p><p>Mina gives her a glance, arching an eyebrow upward, “Why? Are you?”</p><p>“A little. I meant what I said, I’m scared of messing things up again,” the older girl shrugs, “I already did before.”</p><p>Mina’s chest tightens, she’s scared too, scared of history repeating. She briefly thinks of the time leading up to their breakup; how everything was falling apart, how Nayeon drew herself away from Mina’s life and how Mina had just let her. Mina looks at the girl in front of her, eyes twinkling under the chandelier, cheeks flushed from all the wine, and again she’s hit by the realization of how she’s in love with her — it’s the same feeling that had rushed through her during that one date they had in Everland, during the night that they saw each other again, the night they got engaged.</p><p>Mina’s scared but they’ve grown as people during their time apart, she knows they won’t ruin everything like last time.</p><p>She’s scared but every new endeavor is, at least she’s doing this with Nayeon.</p><p>“I am,” she replies finally, staring at Nayeon with affection, “but I feel braver because I know I’m doing it with you.”</p><p>Nayeon smiles — it’s the same crooked smile Mina remembers from the first time they went out, and says, “Me too.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>After getting signed, they decide to finally name their band. Momo jokingly suggests to name the band after the Dragon Ball Z energy drink she and Sana once brought home from their trip in Japan.</p><p>“DBZ sounds weird, how are people gonna read it?” Tzuyu asks, tuning her guitar.</p><p>“..<em>Dibz?” </em>Jeongyeon says with a giggle, Jihyo stifles a laugh and hits her on the arm.</p><p>“We can just, I don’t know, jumble the letters?” Sana offers, pressing her lips into a thin line. “Or we can just go nameless.”</p><p>“BDZ!” Momo yells, voice rising with excitement. All eyes land of her, faces marked with varying levels of confusion.</p><p>“Bidz?” Jihyo replies, earning a loud guffaw from their bassist. Sana tries hard to stop a giggle from erupting.</p><p>Momo rolls her eyes. “It can be read as bulldozer or something, you know, if we want to sound cool.”</p><p>“That’s not bad.” Nayeon says, she’s been silent since the discussion began. To Tzuyu, it looked like she was observing them. Tzuyu knew her the least but she knows there’s a history, a painful one at that. Every time she looks at Nayeon, she wonders if it hurt her in a way — two new people in the band that she started. Tzuyu wonders how Nayeon could be so kind, agreeing to manage them instead of being part of the ensemble. Tzuyu watches her carefully as Nayeon repeats her sentiment of approval and the youngest decides she wants to be like Nayeon, whose love for her friends has not waned despite the world giving reasons for it to fade. Nayeon who’s strong and dependable.</p><p>She was going to be like her.</p><p>Tzuyu tears eyes away from her and nods in approval. “Yeah. It’s actually not bad at all.”</p><p>
  <strong>--</strong>
</p><p>Mina first hears about BDZ a few months after Dahyun moves in.</p><p>It happens when the girl tells Mina she’s going to dye her hair blue, announcing it loudly as soon as she enters the apartment. Mina only looks at her in confusion as Dahyun plops down on her bed.</p><p>“What?” Mina replies.</p><p>“I’m going to dye my hair blue, Minari.” Dahyun repeats, she opens her backpack and takes out boxes of blue hair dye, “I need you to help me.”</p><p>“Why exactly are you going to dye your hair blue?” Mina asks, still confused but she gets off of her bed and makes her way to Dahyun anyway. The younger girl hands her a box of hair dye before she starts rambling.</p><p>“Well, remember my best friend, Chaeyoung? She likes this girl, a very pretty one.” Dahyun informs her. “She’s a guitarist for a band, I think and I told Chaeyoung she was too chicken to ask her out. So naturally, I told her ‘<em>please, I’ll dye my hair blue if you actually manage to ask her out’</em>.” Dahyun looks at her. “And well, turns out she wasn’t chicken shit after all.”</p><p>Mina laughs. “You can just tell her you’re sorry you ever doubted her.”</p><p>Dahyun form an X with her arms and shakes her head no, “Nope. I always honor a wager.” The younger girl motions her to follow her to the bathroom, carrying the boxes with her.</p><p>The older girl laughs again and follows Dahyun inside. “What band does the girl play for though?”</p><p>Dahyun stops and looks away in thought, “I think the band’s called BDZ or something.” She enters the bathroom and starts prepping the hair dye. Mina leans on the doorframe and folds her arms across her chest, “I know a band from back home. Where does BDZ usually play?”</p><p>“Oh they usually play at 21:29, you know, that live music bar that’s pretty popular?”</p><p>Mina freezes.</p><p>“21:29?” she asks gingerly.</p><p>Dahyun nods. She momentarily turns to Mina, eyebrows raising, questioning. “Yes. Why?”</p><p>Images of Nayeon fill her head; she’s on stage, singing like she’s born for it, eyes flitting to Mina when she sings love songs. She shakes her head, refusing to think about her — she can’t lose it, not when she’s not alone. And besides, Nayeon’s band didn’t have a name.</p><p>She clears her throat and says, “Ah, nothing. The band I know used to play there, I guess they replaced them?” Which was probably true considering that Nayeon had already graduated the previous year.</p><p>“From what Chaeyoung told me the band’s been together for a while and the girl she likes is actually a new member.”</p><p>Mina pushes her brows together. “Really?” Maybe they stayed together after all.</p><p>“Yeah. I used to watch their gigs before I left for this program. Their vocalist is really good.”</p><p>Her heart thuds violently against her chest. “Im Nayeon?” She swallows, saying her name gingerly, like she’s scared of it. It takes pretty much all of her strength to stop her voice from cracking.</p><p>“Oh! She used to be the lead singer! But Park Jihyo already replaced her even before the school year ended last year.”</p><p>
  <em>Used to be.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Even before the school year ended. </em>
</p><p>Mina only nods before forcing one foot in front of the other as she walks towards Dahyun to help her bleach her hair.</p><p>Her mind buzzes with questions.</p><p>
  <em>Nayeon, what happened to you?</em>
</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>The party ends an hour after midnight and most of the guests all take the car service the couple had arranged for them. The band stays behind to bid goodbye to Mina and Nayeon. Jeongyeon nudges Momo on the arm and asks, “You coming home with us?”</p><p>Momo looks at her in disbelief, lips forming a frown at her best friend’s rather suggestive smile. “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”</p><p>Jeongyeon shrugs, the smug look on her face is still evident. It feels like it’s taunting Momo under the glare of the twinkling chandeliers. “Figured you would go home with, Sana.”</p><p>“Why would I do that?”</p><p>“I don’t know? Grown up girl bonding time?” Jeongyeon replies, laughing loudly. Momo hits her on the arm. “Gross.”</p><p>They both look at Sana, who’s standing awkwardly as she pretends to listen to whatever conversation is going on between the rest of the band.</p><p>“Hey, Sana.” Jeongyeon calls out. Sana whips her head towards their direction and says, “Yeah?”</p><p>“How are you going to get back to the hotel?” Jeongyeon asks.</p><p>Sana shrugs. “Probably just going to take a cab.”</p><p>Jeongyeon’s eyes widen, as if Sana had just said something so preposterous. “What? No. Momo can drive you home.”</p><p>“I can what?” Momo interjects.</p><p>At the mention of Momo’s name, Sana waves her hands in front while laughing nervously. “Ah, no. We already spent the whole day together. It must have been tiring.”</p><p>Momo shakes her head. “It’s fine.”</p><p>“I — uh, really?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she mumbles.</p><p>Jeongyeon claps her hands, grinning wider. “Just the two of you. It’ll be just like old times.”</p><p>Sana and Momo both sigh.</p><p>--</p><p>The car ride is silent and it’s become rather cold.</p><p>Sana leans hear head on the window and stares outside as she hugs herself for warmth. Momo notices this and sighs, “I have a hoodie in the backseat.”</p><p>The girl looks at her, “Hm?”</p><p>“Did you fall asleep?” Momo asks, “I said I have a hoodie in the backseat.”</p><p>“Ah, no it’s fine. We’re almost at the hotel anyway.” Sana replies, laughing softly.</p><p>“I insist.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Sana reaches over the back and grabs Momo’s purple hoodie before pulling it over her head.</p><p>She goes back to her position and tries not to breakdown at the familiar scent of strawberries. It’s Momo, it smells like Momo.</p><p>The familiarity of it all hurts, Sana can feel her heart clench as they pass by the street lights. Jeongyeon was once again right: it’s just like old times. Except now, Sana and Momo are two broken pieces of a whole.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo pulls up to the front of the hotel and Sana straightens up. They sit in silence for a moment before Sana clears her throat and looks at her, “Thanks.” Momo nods and Sana continues, “Not just for the ride. But today. I’m glad we’re okay.”</p><p>Momo looks back at her. “I’m glad we’re okay too.” Sana smiles and all Momo can think of is how much it hurts to look at, how much it makes her want to cry.</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“This doesn’t mean anything else, okay?” Momo says, almost robotically, as if she’s not really saying what she wants to say. It’s all a pageant, all an act to keep her heart in one piece.</p><p>“Yeah.” Sana breathes out, opening the door. She takes on last look at Momo and smiles sadly, “I love you.”</p><p>It sounds like regret.</p><p>Momo stares straight ahead, she can’t crumble right now. She just can’t.</p><p>The silence grows and Sana begins to feel almost suffocated by it so she gets out of the car and waits until Momo starts to rev the engine to wave goodbye.</p><p><em>It’s funny, </em>Sana thinks, <em>how Momo used to look at her like she was her world and how now she can’t look at her at all. </em></p><p>Before driving off, Momo allows herself to look at her. She takes one last look at Sana and tastes regret on her tongue.</p><p>Sana looks back at Momo and thinks, <em>I had it all.</em></p><p>
  <strong>--</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>During the band’s rise to fame, the couple had decided that it was better to keep the focus on the band so Sana and Momo had chosen not to make a big deal about their relationship. They don’t become blatant with it but they don’t really act secretive about it either. They continue to act like they normally do when they’re in public and they leave their interactions out for interpretation.</p><p>Eventually some fans, pick up clues from interviews to their posts on social media and even down to their matching clothes but those theories and claims made by fans on Twitter fail to gain traction at first because the sources aren’t really credible and are deemed as nonsense by anyone except maybe the tabloids. </p><p>But the puzzle pieces are out there, just waiting to be put together by fans like some kind of modern art. Sana and Momo have fun with it most of the time, they enjoy teasing the fans enough to put some cloud of doubt and suspicion but not enough for them to confirm anything.</p><p>“Now Momo, you and Sana recently went to Hawaii together,” one host says in one of the interviews they did for their third EP promotions. It’s a talk show that she, Jihyo, and Jeongyeon were tasked to appear in while Sana and Tzuyu went to a variety show.</p><p>“Yes, we did.” Momo confirms with a smile, thinking of the sea breeze outside their cabana while she and Sana cuddled on the circular chaise.</p><p>“And the other members didn’t go with you guys?”</p><p>Jihyo laughs and shakes her head, “I actually chose to go home for our break. I missed my family.”</p><p>“Tzuyu and I chose to tag along with her. It was great.” Jeongyeon tells the host, beaming politely, trying to hold back her laughter.</p><p>The host laughs, “Ah, Momo and Sana must be really close.”</p><p>Jihyo is the one who breaks character by laughing all of a sudden, Momo playfully hits her on the arm.</p><p>“Yes, we are.”</p><p>--</p><p>“Momo? I can’t stand her.” Sana announces jokingly during one of their Instagram lives like she doesn’t spend most nights curled up in bed with the girl in question. They’re eating outside the studio, a few hours break before they start recording again. The band laughs, of course it’s a bold faced lie but it’s fun to act like there is nothing going on. Momo rolls her eyes, “Sana’s such a loser.” The comments of the stream blow up with hearts and exclamation points and Sana swears she sees one comment that said <em>jesus get married already</em>.</p><p>“See guys? They practically hate each other.” Jihyo says, giggling.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana posts a picture on Instagram of her on a bed with light pink sheets, covers wrapped around her.</p><p><em>i have claimed momo’s bed, </em>she captions.</p><p>Momo comments, <em>you look like a burrito</em></p><p><em>a burrito who misses u</em>, she replies.</p><p><em>ew, </em>is what Momo answers.</p><p>It doesn’t take long for the fans to go crazy over that.</p><p>--</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 1h<br/>LMAO MY BROTHER WENT TO UNI WITH THEM AND HE TOLD ME THEY’RE TOTALLY DATING</p><p><strong>sana’s girl </strong>@sananigans · 1h<br/><em>Replying to @momosdrums<br/></em>r u kidding me</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 1h<br/><em>Replying to @sananigans</em><br/>JSJDLSKLDKLS YEAH IDK WHY THEY DON’T JUST COME OUT WITH IT</p><p><strong>BDZ SUPERIOR </strong>@SanaXEunha · 1h<br/><em>Replying to @momosdrums</em><br/>Lmao you aren’t really a credible source</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan</strong> @momosdrums · 1h<br/><em>Replying to @SanaXEunha</em><br/>whatever girl, I’d hate to say I told you so</p><p>--</p><p>Momo writes songs for the Sana the way lovers write love letters. She isn’t good with expressing emotions, it’s evident in the fact that she and Sana took a while to admit their feelings out loud. But she feels like every single ounce of love she feels for Sana flows freely and lands on the lyrics she writes. She’s good at it so does it as much as she can, Sana deserves to know how much she’s in love with her after all.</p><p>She and Tzuyu are left alone in the studio while the others go out to get food. Tzuyu’s working on a riff while Momo’s busy finishing up a song she’s started writing the night before.</p><p>“Another one about her?”</p><p>Momo looks up, Tzuyu’s voice pulling her out of her trance. She sees the girl, sitting with her chin on the side of her guitar.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’re writing another song for Sana?” Tzuyu repeats. Momo’s surprised at the lack of teasing and playfulness in her tone. “Yeah,” she admits, almost bashful.</p><p>Tzuyu grins. “Let me read what you have so far.”</p><p>Momo looks at her suspiciously. “What’s with you today?”</p><p>“I’m feeling <em>good </em>today, okay?” Tzuyu replies, feigning offense.</p><p>Momo chuckles, “Or bored.” She hands her notebook over to Tzuyu anyway and she watches as the girl scans the words.</p><p>“You’re made of sunshine, you taste like wine. We’ll keep them guessing, honey. You’re divine.” Tzuyu reads out loud, she looks at Momo and smiles. “You sound like you hate her.”</p><p>Momo rolls her eyes, “Oh, I do.”</p><p>“Shut up.” Tzuyu replies, smile growing softer. “You’re really in love with her, huh?”</p><p>“What gave it away?” Momo asks, playfully sarcastic.</p><p>“The way you talk about her in the songs you write, it’s like you’re trying to tell everyone what you see when you look at her. Not just the pretty face.”</p><p>“Well, yeah.” Momo answers, smiling back. “And you know I suck with feelings and shit and I always think I’m not giving justice to how I feel about her. So I’ll write as many songs as I can until I finally do.”</p><p>--</p><p>They eventually slip and get caught when someone posts a video of them making out during the band’s after party, just a few days after Momo’s proposal. They tell Nayeon not to penalize the one who posted, deciding to just come clean about it.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Nayeon asks.</p><p>“Yeah.” Sana replies, nodding, “I can’t deal with the speculation anymore. It was fun at first but you know, let’s just go for it.”</p><p>“Alright. I’ll write up an official statement.”</p><p>--</p><p><strong>momo’s favorite</strong> @minatozakisana · 7m<br/>@hiraimomo baby</p><p><strong>Hirai Momo </strong>@hiraimomo · 6m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana</em><br/>you know what you’re certifiably insane</p><p><strong>momo’s favorite</strong> @minatozakisana · 5m<br/><em>Replying to @hiraimomo</em><br/>yeah but you’re like, in love with me</p><p><strong>Hirai Momo </strong>@hiraimomo · 4m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana<br/></em>you’re right, i am</p><p><strong>Yoo Jeongyeon </strong>@yoojeongyeon · 4m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana @hiraimomo</em><br/>you guys are so annoying</p><p><strong>Park Jihyo </strong>@parkjihyo · 3m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana @hiraimomo @yoojeongyeon</em><br/>well at least the rest of the world is finally here to suffer with us.</p><p><strong>momo’s favorite </strong>@minatozakisana · 3m<br/><em>Replying to @hiraimomo @yoojeongyeon @parkjihyo</em><br/>aw don’t be mean, ji. you know you’ll always be my favorite.</p><p><strong>Hirai Momo </strong>@hiraimomo · 2m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana @yoojeongyeon @parkjihyo</em><br/>we’re literally getting married</p><p><strong>Yoo Jeongyeon </strong>@yoojeongyeon · 2m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana @hiraimomo @parkjihyo</em><br/>GOD</p><p><strong>Chou Tzuyu </strong>@choutzuyu · 1m<br/><em>Replying to @minatozakisana @hiraimomo @yoojeongyeon @parkjihyo</em><br/>nayeon’s going to kill u guys</p><p>--</p><p>Sana laughs loudly as she reads Tzuyu’s reply. “Well, we’re gonna have fun before she does.”</p><p>It’s freeing, she’s glad they’re finally out in the open. No more subtle looks and secret smiles, no more leaving it up to interpretation.</p><p>Momo just stares at her with the same soft look she always has on when she’s looking at Sana. Her lips begin to form a soft, affectionate smile.</p><p>
  <em>She’s going to love this girl for the rest of her life.</em>
</p><p>--</p><p><strong>kelly wants a gf</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod</em>· 15m<br/>sana &amp; momo: i can’t stand her she’s such a loser<br/>also sana &amp; momo: we’re in love with each other and we’re getting married</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan </strong><em>@momosdrums</em>· 14m<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod</em><em><br/></em><em>I TOLD YA’LL!!!!!!!!!</em></p><p><strong>kelly</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod</em>· 14m<br/><em>Replying to @momosdrums</em><br/>SLKDLSKDLSKFLKS IT’S LIKE A FEVER DREAM OHMY GO D IM ACTUALLY SHAKINGGG</p><p><strong>BDZ OT5</strong> <em>@bassgirljeong</em>· 13m<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod @momosdrums</em><br/>they’re insane oh ymgod</p><p><strong>TZUYU BEST GIRL</strong> <em>@chouchewyy</em>· 1h<br/><em>Replying to @bassgirljeong @jihyoismygod @momosdrums</em><br/>GOD I LOVE THIS BAND SO MUCH IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM</p><p>--</p><p>Sana goes to bed that night with her heart full. She wraps her arms around Momo’s waist and kisses the top of her head. She dreams of Momo in the spring time, playing with dogs while Sana drinks tea.</p><p>They’ll have that quiet life somewhere in the countryside someday, but for now Sana’s fine with the chaos of the city.</p><p>For now, she’ll savor the quiet and peace and contentment she finds in Momo’s arms.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now </span> </strong>
</p><p>Sunday rolls in and Mina wakes up around nine in the morning.</p><p>She’s glad she didn’t drink as much the night before else she’d have aching joints and a terrible headache on her wedding day. Mina glances at the girl beside her, dark brown hair strewn across the light purple covers. She scoot’s closer, wrapping her arms around the girl’s waist as she presses a kiss to her shoulder.</p><p>Nayeon smells like coconuts and vanilla, and Mina decides it’s her favorite scent to wake up to. Nayeon shifts against Mina’s arms, mumbling softly as she turns around and faces Mina. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles.</p><p>“Hi.” Nayeon murmurs softly, sleep still evident in her voice.</p><p>Mina smiles back, it’s almost sheepish — the same smile she kept wearing when she and Nayeon had just started dating. They’ve been together for years but Mina thinks the effect that Nayeon has on her will ever wear off. And she doesn’t care, even if it turns her into some kind of sixteen year old school girl on a first date with her longtime crush.</p><p>“Hi.” Mina replies.</p><p>“You’re not supposed to see me before the wedding, you know.” Nayeon says almost conspiratorially, like she’s telling Mina a secret.</p><p>Mina chuckles lightly before whispering back, “Do you want me to leave?”</p><p>Nayeon pulls her closer, her voice is close to a childish whine when she says, “No. I want you right here.” She says <em>here </em>like it means <em>wherever we are as long as we’re together, here </em>like it means forever, <em>here </em>like it means <em>I love you.</em></p><p>“I’ll be right here then.” Mina replies, she says like it means <em>I love you too.</em></p><p>--</p><p>Mina and Nayeon’s wedding is on a late mid-April afternoon — it’s perfect. The air’s a perfect mix of the crisp cold and warmth, and the leaves outside are a vibrant green.</p><p>Momo and Jeongyeon cut across the entrance, heels clacking loudly on the marble floor of the lounge. Tzuyu and Jihyo trail behind them, talking animatedly about some concert they were going to attend with Dahyun and Chaeyoung in just a few weeks.</p><p>Jeongyeon pushes the gigantic oak doors open and they’re greeted with a view of a lush botanical garden. There are strings of fairy lights hanging from the huge elms and weeping willows. White wooden folding chairs have been set up neatly in perfect rows and a white carpet path cuts through the center, leading to the altar. Servers weave through the crowd with trays of hors d’oeuvres and champagne flutes.</p><p>Everyone is already here, waiting for the ceremony to start. And just a few minutes in Jihyo’s already dragged somewhere to talk to their labelmates, leaving Momo alone with Jeongyeon and Tzuyu. She’s pacing back and forth, fingers fidgeting as she absentmindedly tears off the label of the beer bottle she’s been holding.</p><p>“I can’t believe you asked for beer.” Jeongyeon notes, taking a sip of champagne. “It’s supposed to be a fancy event.”</p><p>“I’m nervous,” she says, “why am I nervous? I’m not the one getting married.”</p><p>“Maybe it’s because you didn’t have time to be nervous during <em>your </em>wedding.” Tzuyu offers, more teasing than serious.</p><p>Jeongyeon guffaws, “This is why you’re my favorite, Tzuyu.”</p><p>“I hate you guys,” Momo replies with a dry laugh.</p><p>“Wrong. You love us, tried and tested.” Jeongyeon tells her, wrapping an arm around Momo’s shoulder. She presses a loud, obnoxious kiss to the side of her head and Momo makes a face. “Maybe you’re nervous because you’re about to see Sana in a gown.”</p><p>Momo rolls her eyes so hard she swears she can see the back of her head, “Why would <em>I </em>be nervous about that? She wasn’t named the most beautiful face in the world.”</p><p>If she’s being honest, Jeongyeon is right. Maybe she’s nervous about seeing Sana especially after their conversation the night before because it might spark something inside her that might lead to a certain divorce not happening. But Momo has been lying a lot these days, so why stop now?</p><p>Tzuyu folds her arms and huffs, “You’re right. You should be nervous around <em>me</em>.”</p><p>Jeongyeon bursts into laughter, telling Tzuyu she’s adorable. As they talk, Momo looks around the garden intently. Well, as intently as she can without causing suspicion. Subtlety has never been her forte but who’s going to stop her from trying anyway.</p><p>Momo glances around, even when Chaeyoung and Dahyun join their group. She keeps looking around until she finally sees her. It’s already nearing sunset, the sky blazes in pink and orange like a flashfire and Sana makes her way down the cobblestone stairs. The girl is busy looking around for familiar faces but she thankfully hasn’t spotted them yet so Momo finds herself staring at her, dark honey eyes wide, hands trembling at her sides, and any attempts at subtlety already thrown out the window.</p><p>The light picks up the tiny specks of gold in Sana’s eyes, her hair tumbles over her shoulders in light brown waves. She’s walking lightly — almost feathery. Her light blue off shoulder dress is long, its skirt sheer and sweeping, and it makes her look like some sort of water nymph. Somehow that thought does something confusing to Momo’s body because her eyes light up with relief, but her heart clenches — she swears she can’t breathe.</p><p>Sana finally spots them, it’s too quick of an action for Momo to react and look away on time so she gives up and looks at her. She’s smiling brightly and a memory goes off in Momo’s mind like a camera flash: Sana at twenty four, blonde hair curled into soft waves. She’s wearing a white flowy dress, fingers wrapped around a bouquet of white and light pink roses. The memory hits her like an avalanche, nearly sending her to her knees.</p><p>Momo curses the universe.</p><p>Why does Sana have to walk in like she’s made entirely of sunshine and starlight?</p><p>“Hey!” she greets when she approaches them. Momo swallows her nerves and holds her beer bottle tightly like a lifeline.</p><p>“Hey, you’re late. The wedding’s over.” Jeongyeon tells her airily.</p><p>“Ha ha.” Sana responds. “You know perfection takes time.”</p><p>“Alright, alright. We get it, you look good, Miss Narcissist.” Tzuyu replies, lifting a hand and waving it dismissively. “Besides, Momo’s already tongue tied.”</p><p>That drags her back down to reality, she clears her throat and blinks away the daze.</p><p>“Excuse me?” Momo scoffs.</p><p>Sana shakes her head, “Aw, no need to pretend, Mo. I know you think I look good.”</p><p>Jeongyeon and Tzuyu burst into giggles while Momo rolls her eyes. “You’re full of it, Minatozaki.”</p><p>
  <em>Full of love, you mean.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shut <strong>up</strong>.</em>
</p><p>Sana laughs and Momo does too, it’s almost perfect. They’re twenty four again, the world in their hands, invincible and in love, bound together by the promise of never letting go. They pretend they’re not twenty seven, broken, and on the brink of divorce.</p><p>Sana throws her a quick glance and wishes on whatever higher power that exists to not let this moment end.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Their wedding is simple.</p><p>It’s just them and their friends and family, no media brouhaha, no paparazzi. It takes very intense and careful planning to keep it all a secret but they somehow pull it off. They hold it inside a small chapel in Busan, its interiors boast high ceilings and a glass front that provides a view of the ocean. It’s perfectly tucked away from the crowd which allowed them enjoy a day of peace and quiet and the aisle and the altar are decorated with lilac peonies and roses.</p><p>Sana remembers buzzing with excitement, giddy to see Momo who was hidden away in another room. It was bad luck to see each other before the wedding or whatever. She sneaks a peek from the curtains and she sees Momo do the same. They catch each other’s eye and both of them chuckle.</p><p><em>I love you, </em>Sana mouths.</p><p><em>I love you too, </em>Momo mouths back.</p><p>--</p><p>“The first time we met, you told me you felt like you knew me from a past life.” Momo says when she begins her vows. “I thought those things were nonsense but when I saw you, I immediately changed my mind. Because Sana, when I looked at you, it felt like I’ve loved you before.”</p><p>Sana smiles brightly, eyes watering with tears. They’re not used to baring their hearts out in public, they don’t talk about how much they love each other so when they do, it’s usually either embarrassing or emotional.</p><p>Right now it’s the latter.</p><p>“I love you.” Momo murmurs softly. “In all our lives, past or future. And it won’t be a perfect ride but I promise you I’ll do my best to make it come as close as possible.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Nayeon can’t stop watching Mina in her white dress brushing the carpet as she walks down the aisle, a bouquet of white and peach roses and carnations in her hand, blonde hair catching last bits of sunlight. Mina throws her a smile as soon as she gets to the arching arbor at the end of the aisle.</p><p>Nayeon feels like her knees are about to give any second, Mina’s beautiful and sometimes it hits her so hard she can’t react properly.</p><p>Mina.</p><p>Mina who loved her with all her heart.</p><p>Mina who never stopped loving her even when they were separated by distance.</p><p>Mina.</p><p>Nayeon breathes out, taking her hand and squeezing it gently.</p><p>“Last chance to back out, Im.” Mina whispers with a teasing grin.</p><p>Nayeon laughs, “Like I’d let you go again, Myoui.”</p><p>--</p><p>The ceremony takes about an hour before they finally get to the vows. Nayeon laughs nervously, cheeks burning red as she takes Mina’s hand and looks into her eyes.</p><p>“I’m nervous,” Nayeon begins, “No one told me it’d be this scary.”</p><p>“Just what a bride wants to hear,” Mina says with a roll of her eyes but her smile is fond and soft. The crowd erupts into laughter — good natured and affectionate.</p><p>Nayeon clears her throat and grins, “Okay. I love you.” She stares at Mina, she blinks and memories of her flood her mind; Mina, sitting on a table with Joohyun and Seulgi, eyeing her like she’s the most annoying person on Earth. Mina, looking away when Nayeon catches her staring at her. Mina on the swings outside Joohyun’s house, eyes shimmering under the dull moonlight. Mina in the coffee shop, telling Nayeon about how much she loved ballet. Mina, kissing her under the streetlight. Mina, telling her goodbye. Mina, coming back. And Nayeon fights to stop the tears, she couldn’t become a crying mess yet. Not until she finishes her vows. “I love you — the cranky girl I first met, the shy girl I had a crush on, the determined one I dated, and even the one who broke my heart. I love you. And I promise to continue loving every version of you until we both become the boring old ladies who live with a lot of dogs.”</p><p>They can hear sniffling from the crowd and Mina lets out a chuckle to stop herself from tearing up as well. “I love you too, Nay. You’ve taught me a lot of things, like how adding garlic soup mix to the bread dough makes it even more delicious than it already is.” There’s laughter again mixed in the chorus of tears. “You taught me how to play the guitar, how to roller skate. But I think the most important thing you’ve taught me is kindness.”</p><p>Nayeon doesn’t stop the tears anymore, she lets them fall and listens.</p><p>“When I left for Paris and broke your heart, I was so sure you wouldn’t take me back if I ever came back. But when we saw each other again, it’s like we weren’t even apart. It’s one of the things I struggled with in the past, you know? I felt like I didn’t deserve your acceptance and kindness but seeing you love me still, it made me try harder to be kinder to myself.”</p><p>Mina lifts Nayeon’s hands to her lips and presses a tender kiss.</p><p>“And that’s something I will forever thank you for. I promise to keep you happy and love you until we grow old with lots and lots of dogs.”</p><p>“<em>Tadaima</em>.” Mina murmurs.</p><p>Nayeon breaks into a smile brighter than the sun in the middle of July. “Okaeri.”</p><p>--</p><p>Sana eyes Momo beside her, streaks of tears running down her cheeks when Mina and Nayeon share their first kiss as a wedded couple. Sana wonders what she’s thinking.</p><p>“<em>I love you, Mo. We’re far from perfect people and I’m sure we’ll fumble and make terrible decisions in the future like buying six boxes of doughnuts thinking we can finish them all in one sitting. I’m sure we’ll make mistakes but I promise to love you even then.” </em></p><p><em>“I promise to love you even then.” </em>Momo had repeated.</p><p>She rips her gaze away and blinks back the tears forming in her eyes. They did fuck up, they did make mistakes. Sana was right, but she still wonders how they got here — trying not trip over the remnants of the destruction those decisions had caused.</p><p><em>How the hell did we end up like this, Mo, </em>Sana thinks, fault lines tearing across her heart. <em>How the hell did we end up miles away from where we’ve been?</em></p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>It’s rather a quiet night.</p><p>They just finished a recording session that unsurprisingly took more than twenty four hours to finish. And tomorrow, they’re going to go back to the studio and record more songs. Momo feels her body go heavy, her arms were aching and her head was pounding.</p><p>She’s exhausted. And Sana was too, seeing as the girl is already dozing off beside her, face buried under the mountain of pillows.</p><p>“Sana.” Momo whispers, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>“Mm..?” comes her wife’s sleepy reply.</p><p>“How long do you think are we going to do this?”</p><p>She hears Sana groan softly as the girl lifts her head up from the pillows. Sana rubs her eyes and looks at Momo, never the one to ignore Momo’s musings. “Do what, babe?”</p><p>“This.” Momo answers, looking back at her, “This famous band thing.”  </p><p>“For a long time hopefully.” Sana murmurs, almost wistful. “Why?”</p><p>Momo stares at her intently, like she’s trying to piece her words first before speaking. She closes her eyes and breathes out. “Nothing, baby.”</p><p>“You sure?” Sana asks, quirking up an eyebrow.</p><p>“Yeah.” Momo says with a small smile. “I was just wondering if we will ever get the quiet life we both wanted.”</p><p>Sana smiles back, planting a soft kiss on Momo’s lips. “We will. Soon.”</p><p>Her world ends before they even come close.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo begins to feel like she’s losing herself. Her work is burning her out, there’s no problem with the band itself, it’s more on the celebrity side that comes with it. They’re selling hundreds of thousands of albums every time they release one, selling out domes and arenas. They’re at the height of their popularity but it meant more criticism, more people who are set to pick everything they do apart, more pressure to do well every single time. It’s taking most if not all of her energy to stay sane.</p><p>The members were tired too. She knows this because she’s seen them, she’s seen Jihyo break down in tears, seen Jeongyeon get sick, seen the scars on Tzuyu and Sana’s fingers. She’s exhausted and some days Momo doesn’t want to get up, some days Momo doesn’t want to talk.</p><p>She knows how lonely it makes Sana. And she hates it, she hates how downtrodden she looks, she hates how sad she looks while she’s sleeping, she hates how she knows it’s her fault. She hates that she can’t do anything to fix it yet because it’s too much pressure. Everything’s just coming at her all at once and she doesn’t think she’s strong enough to handle the impact.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana notices. Of course she does.</p><p>Momo seems to be out of it most of the time. They push through with TV show appearances, with concerts, with fanmeets. Momo smiles through the entirety of it, but it’s different. It’s almost sad, almost tired.</p><p>Sana tries to talk to her but Momo shrugs her off every single time. They end up fighting sometimes and sometimes Momo doesn’t go home with her, sometimes Momo doesn’t go home at all. Sana tries not to show how much it hurts her but she’s pretty sure Momo hears her crying in the bathroom at night.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo begins to break. Everything and everyone — including Sana, begins to exhaust her. They become too draining. It’s inevitable really, she gets annoyed by Jeongyeon’s jokes, Tzuyu’s brashness, Jihyo’s seriousness, and she cringes away from Sana’s touch. Momo drifts away and eventually triggers the apocalypse.</p><p>--</p><p>They lie on the bed one night, both too tired but surprisingly still awake. The world is silent again, save for Momo’s soft breaths. Sana shifts to her side and pulls her close. It’s been forever but it feels like finally going to sleep after an endless day.</p><p>“I love you, Mo.”</p><p>She waits for Momo’s reply.</p><p>Her heart breaks when she hears none.</p><p>--</p><p>And Sana doesn’t hear her say it for very long time.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>Sana watches everyone else enjoying themselves on the dance floor. She looks at Mina and Nayeon dancing, the former’s hands wrapped securely over the latter’s shoulder and upper back. Nayeon has her eyes closed as she and Mina sway slowly, and Sana sees her mouth move to whisper I love you. She looks away; the moment was private, like no one but Mina and Nayeon should witness it.</p><p>It’s theirs and theirs alone.</p><p>She diverts her gaze to the rose that she’s holding. Her heart is swelling with happiness, Nayeon looks so content and so at peace, and she’s briefly reminded of the time that she had also felt that way, back when things were fine. Past Sana had a pretty fucking amazing life, Present Sana only had heartbreak and an impending divorce that is finally going to be settled the next day.</p><p>From the seat beside her, Momo glances away from the crowd. She turns to see Sana, twirling a white rose between her fingers. Momo knows that look, it’s the same look Sana had kept sporting during the days, the weeks that led up to their breakup.</p><p>Momo sighs.</p><p>She knows what Sana’s thinking about.</p><p>Tomorrow.</p><p>It’s all going to end tomorrow.</p><p><em>We still have tonight, </em>she thinks to herself, heart wrenching tighter.</p><p>She takes Sana’s pretty hands in her own and gets to her feet. Sana looks, surprised even as she let her pull her up, slightly teetering on her heels as she tries to regain her balance.</p><p>"Mo?”</p><p>“Let’s dance," Momo tells her.</p><p>"What prompted th—"</p><p>Momo interrupts her. "We don't have to talk. I know you’re thinking about what’s going to —” Momo pauses, she looks at her briefly and breathes out. “Just dance with me, okay?”</p><p>
  <em>Please say yes, Sana.</em>
</p><p>Sana stares at her, uncertain and probing, looking for an answer as if it’s somehow written on Momo’s face. If she’s going to continue looking at Momo like that, Momo’s going to break. So she swallows and tries to dissipate the tension that’s been slowly building up by rolling her eyes.</p><p>"Come on, Satang.” Momo whines, it’s better to pretend, things are okay when they’re not real.</p><p><em>Satang, </em>the nickname burns in Sana’s ears.</p><p>Her chest tightens, Momo hasn’t called her that in <em>so </em>long.  </p><p>“This is a wedding. People traditionally have fun at these. Your face, lovely as it may be," she continues, tipping her chin up so she was looking at her, "looks like it belongs at a funeral. And Ji will probably have our heads if we ruin the night for Nayeon and Mina. So just dance with me and pretend we’re okay."</p><p>Sana stares at her wordlessly, it takes almost a minute before she snorts and pushes her hand away. "Do you know how much of a pain in the ass you are when you set your mind on something?”</p><p>Momo feels relieved, at least Sana’s smiling. "Yep. Not as much as you are though," she tells her, winking before pulling her towards the dance floor. Momo puts her hands on Sana’s waist as Sana wraps her arms over Momo’s shoulders. Sana places her chin on Momo’s shoulder and closes her eyes as she tries to pretend as if it is easy not to think about what’s going to happen the day after tonight. The way Momo smells like fresh clementine and vanilla is enough to make Sana forget for now.</p><p>Besides, they’re still good at pretending.</p><p>They slowly sway to the music, Sana begins to hold her tighter, like a person clinging on a rope before it breaks.</p><p>Momo does the same, willing herself not to think of her and Sana’s first dance after their wedding.</p><p><em>I love you, </em>she wants to say, <em>please don’t leave me again. </em></p><p>But those words never make it out of her mouth.</p><p>--</p><p>BDZ gets asked to perform a song.</p><p>The crowd and even the band that Mina and Nayeon hired for the wedding eggs them on to come up the stage and play. So they walk up the stage and hold their respective instruments. Nayeon gets up from her seat beside Mina, gives her a kiss on the cheek before rushing towards Sana.</p><p>“Let’s play.” Nayeon tells her, eyes alight as she holds her hand out. Sana’s eyes widen with confusion and surprise. “What?”</p><p>“Let’s get up and play with them.” Nayeon repeats, smiling, “Come on, it’ll be like a reunion.”</p><p>Sana feels like she’s about to cry, her knees wobble but she takes Nayeon’s hand and gets up. They both rush to the stage and they see Jihyo grinning wide.</p><p>“I’m getting emotional, this is your fault, Im,” she teases. Nayeon laughs, “You’re actually a crybaby. I can’t believe it.”</p><p>Jihyo hands her a mic, grin unchanging and her eyes bright. “It’s been a long time coming.”</p><p>“Better late than never.” Nayeon replies, smirking.</p><p>Sana’s fingers shake when she takes the guitar, it’s been a while since she’s touched a guitar let alone play it. But Momo catches her eye and gives her a soft smile and all the nerves vanish.</p><p>That’s all it ever takes anyway.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Mina puts up with loneliness for a pretty good while — almost two years now. She’s broken contact with everyone she knows from Seoul, her parents call her from Japan to check on her, sometimes her brother does. She gets that it’s probably too dramatic, she’ll come back home after she finishes this fellowship anyways but it’s more for her self-control than anything else.</p><p>The night Dahyun tells her about BDZ, however, Mina finally caves in. Dahyun is sound asleep already so she runs to the bathroom and sits in the empty tub, her knees drawn to her chest. She starts small: she opens her Spotify account and checks her Friend Activity, she figured it’s safer and smarter than checking Nayeon’s social media accounts. It’s always been her nightmare to accidentally like one of the girl’s past pictures so she sticks with something more subtle.</p><p>Nayeon speaks through music and lyrics more than she does with photographs anyways.</p><p><strong>Nabongs 35m<br/></strong>Feel<br/>Fletcher<br/>◎ The S(ex) Tapes</p><p>Mina’s breath hitches, the song is unfamiliar but she plays it anyway because she feels like it’s meant for her, it feels like Nayeon’s telling her ‘<em>here’s a piece of me you get to keep, here’s a piece of me you can’t break’.</em></p><p>She hugs her knees tighter as she listens to the song.</p><p>
  <em>I'm reeling in the ash and smoke 'cause you came and broke my heart wide open.</em>
</p><p>Mina sits there, feeling like a small child hiding in a dumbwaiter, she’s trapped and she can’t do anything else but sit and listen, imagining that it’s Nayeon’s voice that’s playing through her earphones.</p><p>
  <em>Doing time tryna heal, do anything so I don't feel you.</em>
</p><p>She buries her face in her knees. <em>There’s still so much of you in me too, Nayeon, </em>she thinks.</p><p>--</p><p>5,568 miles away, Nayeon sees Mina’s name in her Friend Activity feed. It throws her off for a moment since the girl has pretty much done a good job at cutting everyone out of her life, at disappearing.</p><p><strong>Minari 5m<br/></strong>Lost My Mind<br/>FINNEAS<br/>◎ Blood Harmony</p><p>
  <em>Am I in your head half often as you’re on my mind?</em>
</p><p>“Always.” Nayeon murmurs, staring at the ceiling.</p><p>She hopes Mina is okay and falls asleep dreaming of her arms wrapping around her.</p><p>--</p><p>They still don’t talk.</p><p>Nayeon’s too selfless and Mina’s too scared.</p><p>But it becomes a secret conversation between the two of them, some sort of secret language.</p><p>One day, Mina will come home. One day, Nayeon will be better. Until then, they learn to make do with what they have.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>“Hi, I haven’t really sung in public for a really long while but I think now is a perfect time. This one’s called Tightrope,” Nayeon speaks into the microphone the way she used to back when they were younger. She looks at Mina and smiles, “I love you. And this one’s for you.”</p><p>Momo starts the beat and Jeongyeon accompanies it with the bass lines. Sana and Tzuyu follow with their guitars. Jihyo starts clapping to the beat, smiling brightly.</p><p> They fill the air with nostalgia. They play like they aren’t at a wedding, like they’re a bunch of broke college students playing gigs at a bar, just being completely different people. It’s something so far away but the band and Mina swear they can feel in their souls.</p><p>“<em>Easy now with my heart,” </em>Nayeon sings, “<em>Walk a tight, walk a little tightrope.” </em></p><p>Jihyo follows with, “<em>Walk a tight, walk a little tightrope. This heart is burning up.” </em></p><p>Nayeon shoots Mina a wink and it takes Mina back to the night they first met, how she saw Nayeon and thought she’s even more beautiful when she’s singing, she’s even more beautiful when she’s doing what she loves.</p><p>She can’t help the tears that fall as the band plays. Mina’s never going to be lonely anymore.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Then</span> </strong>
</p><p>Nayeon starts making playlists, a part of her hopes Mina would listen to it. She doesn’t sing anymore but music isn’t lost in her, so she makes playlists and screams ‘<em>take a part of me, I’m still yours’ </em>at a girl who’s far, far away.</p><p>--</p><p>Mina listens and spends her nights wrapped in loneliness, sometimes in homesickness.</p><p>Most times she wraps herself in regret.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Now</span> </strong>
</p><p>The time for speeches rolls in and a few select people gave their anecdotes epic tales of Nayeon and Mina.</p><p>Momo tells the guests about the couple being annoyed with each other before they started dating, tells them how ‘Nayeon couldn’t stop thinking about Mina after the girl kept blowing her off’.</p><p>Sana adds to Momo’s story, sharing how Nayeon kept talking about this girl who seemed to hate her and how that didn’t seem to matter because she was the most beautiful girl Nayeon has ever met.</p><p>Jeongyeon tells the story of the night of Joohyun’s party, the one where Nayeon had told Mina the — according to Jeongyeon’s words — lamest pick up line in the history of pickup lines.</p><p>“Nayeon pretty much panicked and fumbled the bag.” Jeongyeon says. “But she decided she’s had enough so she followed Mina outside and what do you know? Those two went out on a date the very next day.”</p><p>The guests erupt in a collective <em>awww, </em>some of them even had their palms on their chest, touched by how <em>cute </em>the story was.</p><p>When it’s her turn, Tzuyu begins by thanking Nayeon for everything.</p><p>“I love you, even if I call you a pig when you order two drinks in the group chat which by the way is always Jeongyeon’s idea.”</p><p>Everyone erupts in laughter. Nayeon covers her mouth as she lets out loud guffaws, leaning onto her wife’s shoulders.</p><p>“And Mina, I love you because you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. Thank you for taking care of Nayeon and thank you for promising us to do so for a very long, long time.” Tzuyu continues, smiling softly, “Seriously though, good luck dealing with Nayeon’s corny jokes until the end of time. I love you both so much.”</p><p>Jihyo goes last, stepping onto the stage with a bright smile.</p><p>“Hi,” she greets everyone, she then motions to the couple, “Congratulations to you, guys.” Mina mouths <em>thank you </em>and Nayeon responds with a grin as she raises her glass of champagne. Jihyo laughs softly, “God. You’re finally here, huh? After all the rants and whining I had to hear from Mina about the <em>cocky </em>girl who sings at 21:29 and after dealing with Nayeon’s nervousness when Mina came back, you guys finally got hitched.”</p><p>Mina chuckles, taking Nayeon’s hand into hers and squeezing it gently. Nayeon looks up at Mina, squeezing back, eyes turning into crescent moons as her face breaks into a grin.</p><p>Jihyo sees this and her smile doesn’t falter, “No words can express how happy I am that you guys found each other again. Thank you for giving yourselves a chance to be happy again. And thank you for showing me that there is always love in forgiveness and second chances.”</p><p>Mina’s cheeks flush red, she uses her free hand to wipe away the tears that were beginning to spill from the corners of her eyes. Nayeon gets her head off Mina’s shoulder and smiles at her, moving closer to press a kiss on the top of Mina’s head, her eyes are beginning to water as well.</p><p>A few tables over, Sana finds herself shedding tears. Jihyo’s words had unknowingly pierced through her and she doesn’t realize she’s been crying until it’s too late.</p><p>
  <em>Forgiveness and second chances.</em>
</p><p>Why can’t she and Momo have that?</p><p>Why does she have to let go of the person she loves?</p><p>She look over at Momo who is at the dessert table with Jeongyeon, probably arguing over the panna cottas and sherbet.</p><p>Momo.</p><p>
  <em>What made it so easy for you to let go?</em>
</p><p>She begins to feel suffocated, like she’s running out of oxygen every second she spends inside. Sana hastily wipes her tears away and gets off her chair, willing her feet to cooperate as she retreats to the far end of the room.</p><p>--</p><p>Something inside Momo breaks when she hears Jihyo talk about forgiveness and second chances, when she hears her friend talk about how Nayeon and Mina gave themselves a chance to be happy. She fights the urge to look at Sana and chooses to focus on arguing with Jeongyeon about which dessert they’re tasting first.</p><p>Why can’t she just choose to be happy?</p><p>She still loves her.</p><p>She —</p><p>A memory flashes — it’s the same scene that plagues her when she sleeps, it’s what keeps making her fall apart every time she even thinks about letting Sana back in wholly.</p><p>It’s her, coming back to an empty apartment. Momo can still remember how much her heart had ached, how she couldn’t do anything except fall on her knees and let her sobs fill the room.</p><p>Momo wills it away. Weddings are happy events and just because her marriage has been crumbling down for years doesn’t mean she can bring the mood down and ruin it for everyone. She clears her throat and tries to listen to Jeongyeon’s argument about how they should try the sherbet first.</p><p>She listens half-heartedly, eyes wandering to where Sana is seated.</p><p>Her chair is empty. Momo glances around for her; she sees Jihyo with some of their industry friends, Tzuyu with Chaeyoung, Dahyun with the newlywed couple but there’s no sign of Sana.</p><p>And by the time Momo catches sight of her, Sana’s already out of the room.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana is outside, leaning on the handrails of the balcony overlooking the lake, her chin resting on her palms. The night has grown cold but Sana doesn’t mind the breeze touching her bare shoulders.</p><p>It’s quiet, almost peaceful.</p><p>A perfect contrast to the mess that is her life.</p><p>There’s a hollow feeling inside her chest and she wonders if this is what survivors of an apocalypse feel — empty, hopeless, and distraught as they watch the aftermath of destruction, see the ruins of everything they knew and loved.</p><p>Because that’s what Sana feels like — losing Momo feels like the world is ending, it’s hopeless, and it has been the past two years.</p><p><em>I shouldn’t have left, </em>she argues to herself, <em>I should have fought.</em></p><p>Although deep down, Sana knows that perhaps it was already a losing battle, she couldn’t help but wonder if she and Momo would have stood a chance if she just stayed.</p><p>The oak doors behind her creak open and she hears the soft clack of heels on the marble floor.  She turns around and sees Momo, it hurt just looking at her. Sana looks away, keeping her gaze on the view before her heart begins to break even more.</p><p>“Hey, Mo,” she murmurs.</p><p>Momo walks over to her, leaning on the handrails. “A little overdressed for the balcony, don't you think?"</p><p>Sana chuckles softly, sparing her a glance, “I wanted some fresh air. What are you doing out here?”</p><p>“Decided I needed some fresh air too. It was getting too emotional back there.” Momo answers, lips turning up at the corners a bit.</p><p>Sana only nods, listening to the howl of the wind as she ignores the slow shattering of her heart. Momo doesn’t break the silence, and they stand there side by side, looking over the lake. They’re both too scared to ruin the moment, to ruin the blissful pretense that they have put up since yesterday.</p><p>“How long are we going to pretend, Mo?” Sana says after a long moment, ruining it anyway — maybe it’s what she does best: ruin things.</p><p>She hears Momo sigh deeply beside her. “Sana. Only tonight.”</p><p>Sana closes her eyes, holding back the tears. “Can we pretend that we’re not ending forever, Momo?”</p><p>“Why?” Momo asks, there’s frustration in her voice, she’s tired and she just wants it all to be over for both their sakes. “Wouldn’t it be much easier if we just accept that we’re through and move on?”</p><p>“I know,” she mumbles, eyes fluttering open before she turns to face Momo, “I know. I just — <em>why</em>? Why can’t we keep fighting for this to last?”</p><p>Momo shakes her head. “What else do you want from me? I told you, Sana. I’m done! I can’t do this. I can’t do <em>us </em>anymore.”</p><p>“Bullshit, Momo. I didn’t imagine everything that happened yesterday. We — we still work.”</p><p>“You only saw what you wanted to see, Sana.” Momo replies, gritting her teeth. She’s lying, more to herself than Sana. “I was being nice because I thought it wouldn’t be bad if we stayed friends after this.”</p><p>Sana laughs, it’s bitter and pained and it hurt Momo to hear it.</p><p>“Why do you want to end this marriage so badly, Momo?” she asks, there’s sadness and there’s desperation in her voice, like a kid lost in a mall. “What went wrong?”</p><p>Momo bites the inside of her cheek, doing her best not to respond because if she does, she’s letting a dam break, she’s setting hundreds of bloodhounds free.</p><p>She’ll break.</p><p>“Why did things start to fall apart?” Sana asks again, much more desperate. </p><p>“I can’t do this.” Momo hisses, turning on her heel and tries to move to the door but Sana grabs her arm.</p><p>“Why can’t you just answer me? What happened?” Sana questions. Momo shuts her eyes and she hears her ask quietly, “I-Is there something wrong with me, Mo?”</p><p>Something about how Sana sounded so heartbreakingly dejected, almost scared, made Momo start shedding the tears she’d been trying to hold back.</p><p>“It’s all I thought about the two years I was gone, you know?” Sana continues, sniffling. “I kept wondering why you were so ready to let me go.”</p><p>Momo takes all her strength to face her. “I was tired, Sana. I was tired of everything. Not just physically, my mind was tired, my heart was too. The constant talk about our relationship, the fame, the pressure of it all — it was all starting to become too much.”</p><p>Sana stares at her, eyebrows furrowed together in disbelief.</p><p>“It came to a point where I couldn’t even look at my drumsticks without wanting to puke. Performing felt like a chore, Sana. Even getting up took too much effort.” Momo tells her, voice breaking as much as her heart is.</p><p>“W-Why didn’t you tell me?” Sana finally finds her voice. “I could have —”</p><p>“You could have what? Helped me?” Momo asks, a hint of sarcasm in her question. “You loving me wasn’t going to make it magically disappear, Sana.”</p><p>Sana grows exasperated. “I could have been there for you, Momo!” Her face is wet with more tears. “I wouldn’t have been able to make that shitty feeling go away but I could have held you tight when it got terrible, could have let you know that you weren’t alone, or encouraged you to talk to someone who could help. I don’t know.” She looks at Momo, her shoulders drop down.</p><p>“You are my wife, Mo.” Sana tells her in resignation.</p><p><em>Are. </em>Not were, she refuses to acknowledge it in past tense.</p><p>“I could have done something,” Sana murmurs. “I wish you just let me.”</p><p>Momo shakes her head. “You were going through some stuff too.” She wipes her tears away but she can’t stop crying. “How could you have taken care of me when you were having a hard time too?”</p><p>“So you pushed me away?” Sana says angrily. “You chose to hurt me rather than tell me what was wrong?”</p><p>“I didn’t want to drag you down with me.” Momo replies quietly.</p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Mo! We’re married! I loved you so much! I would have let you drag me down to hell with you.”</p><p>“That’s what I was afraid of.” Momo knits her brows together. “I couldn’t let you destroy yourself because of me.”</p><p>“You did anyway.” Sana snaps. “You did by not giving me a choice, by going ahead and asking for a divorce.”</p><p>Momo breaks right then and there.</p><p><em>You’ve got it wrong, </em>she wants to yell. It’s hilarious, really — how everything starts falling apart again. Momo lets out a bitter chuckle.</p><p>“I went back.”</p><p>“What?” Sana asks, taken off guard.</p><p>Momo sucks in a breath, trying to hold herself together, trying to hold on to the tiniest sliver of control she has before she continues. “The morning after I left you with those papers, I went back to the apartment.”</p><p>Sana’s tongue feels like lead in her mouth.</p><p>
  <em>Momo went back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She —</em>
</p><p>“W-Why did —”</p><p>Momo laughs again, it’s strained and tainted with frustration and regret. “Because I realized I fucked up.” She looks at Sana in the eye and sobs.</p><p>It’s over, she’s slipped.</p><p>Sana finally knows the truth.</p><p>“I realized that I was wrong and that a divorce wasn’t the right way to handle things.” Momo continues, and for a second she sees herself again; running on the streets despite the rainfall, racing to see Sana. “I went back ready to beg you to take me back but you were… <em>gone</em>.” She recalls the scene perfectly, she’s back at the empty apartment, on her knees as she heaves out heavy sobs, chest filled with regret.</p><p>The girl in front of her doesn’t speak, but she’s crying. And it hurt Momo to think that all Sana has done since she got back is cry.</p><p>It hurt to think that it’s all because of her but when Momo remembers the emptiness of the past two years, the apology dies on her tongue.</p><p>“You <em>left</em>.” Momo says, there’s more venom in her voice when she says <em>left.</em> “Do you know what it feels like to be left?”</p><p>“Momo—”</p><p>“The first day you think ‘<em>Ah, that’s okay. I deserve this. It’s the price I have to pay for pushing you away</em>’. The second day you think that ‘<em>shit, maybe I’m just unlucky’. </em>After a week you start to wonder where the person who left is, what they’re doing. You begin to miss them. Two weeks later, you wait for some sort of message from them — from Facebook or Instagram or from fucking carrier pigeons. I don’t know. You begin to fucking wait. But as time goes on you begin to think that you might be fucking cursed or something, you begin to get hit by the fact that they’re not coming back. And it just breaks you.”</p><p>Momo looks at her, all the pain and misery from the last two years breaking out of her chest.</p><p>She hears Sana breathe out.</p><p>“But I’m here now, Mo. I came back — I came back to fix things.” she whispers softly, taking Momo’s hands into hers, the gesture is desperate like Sana’s clinging on to a tightrope but she’s falling, “I love you. We — let’s fix things together.”</p><p>Momo thinks of destruction and how for her it comes in the form a rainstorm and an empty apartment.</p><p>She stares at her, tears staining her face, lips quivering as she bit down on it harshly until she tasted blood. She stares at her and wants to tell her, <em>I love you too. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again. </em></p><p>“We still work.” Sana tells her, it comes out as a desperate plea, “Don’t you ever think about how things used to be? How we used to be?”</p><p>
  <em>Just about a thousand times a day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A million.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s all I could think about in the two years you were gone and even when you came back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I didn’t stop.</em>
</p><p>“No,” she says, lying through her teeth.</p><p>It’ll hurt again.</p><p>If they stay married and Momo doesn’t get better, it’ll hurt.</p><p>It’ll hurt the both of them again.</p><p><em>Sana, </em>Momo thinks, <em>Sana deserves someone better. </em></p><p>“No?” Sana repeats slowly, refusing to believe what she’s hearing.</p><p>“No.” Momo replies harshly, pulling her hand out of Sana’s grasp. “Just sign the divorce papers.”</p><p>“Momo.” Sana whispers, hand dropping to her sides.</p><p>It suddenly feels colder.</p><p>“Why can’t you just stop being selfish and sign the fucking divorce papers?” Momo bellows. She bites her lip, immediately regretting the words she has uttered as soon as they leave her mouth. She didn’t mean what she said, but nothing will deter Sana except for this.</p><p>She watches Sana’s face fall, eyes turning blank.</p><p>And Momo knows she’s done it.</p><p>Sana’s going to leave her.</p><p>“Selfish?” she asks, voice deadly calm.</p><p>Momo looks away, <em>no, you aren’t. </em></p><p>“Yes, Sana. Selfish. I’m not the one who ran away,” she say through gritted teeth, jaw set as she holds herself back.</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry. </em>
</p><p>“I ran away because you asked me for a divorce without telling me the reason why. I ran away because I got scared. I ran away because I thought that’s what you wanted, you know? To have me out of your life. I left because <em>you </em>decided to end things without giving me a chance to say anything about it. You gave up on us.”</p><p>Momo stays quiet, letting Sana get it all out.  </p><p>She deserves this, to let Momo know how much shit she’s been through as well.</p><p>“I remember all of it, you know?” she continues with a bitter chuckle, “I remember how you started drifting away, how you cringed when I tried to hold your hand. And I knew something wasn’t right and I remember how I wanted to be there for you so badly it felt like my chest was literally going to break open every time I looked at you. And I remember how you wouldn’t let me.”</p><p>“Maybe you’re right, you know? Maybe I was selfish.” Sana scoffs, shaking her head. “But you broke my heart over and over again, Momo. What else was I supposed to do?”</p><p>“Sana,” she murmurs, voice shaking.</p><p>Sana sounded so broken, so tired.</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t go.</em>
</p><p>“What?” Sana asks, her voice is stern and unforgiving and angry but in that moment all she wishes is for Momo to stop her. Even after everything all she wants is Momo to fight for her, for them.</p><p>
  <em>Please don’t let me leave. </em>
</p><p>Momo’s eyes shimmer with tears but she doesn’t speak, unable to find the strength to form words. She’s going to regret this, letting her walk away like this. She’s going to lose her forever.</p><p>
  <em>Sana, please stay.</em>
</p><p>Momo holds her tongue.</p><p><em>Ah, </em>Sana thinks with a shake of her head. She thinks of destruction and solitude and how she wants to stop hurting. It’s always been a losing battle and it’s about time she stops fighting it.</p><p>Sana wipes her tears away and sucks in a breath.</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hirai.”</p><p>She turns on her heels and moves towards the door.</p><p>The world ends and all the muscles in Momo’s body go limp, but she can’t break just yet, — not while Sana’s still here. So she waits until Sana finally shuts the oak doors behind her before fully breaking apart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi! i'm sorry this update took so long. honestly, i was putting off writing this one because i am not used to writing so much angst in one chapter hehe. but here i am, finally. this one's a very long chapter oops.</p><p>also, thank you for your comments! it means so much to me and i apologize if i don't really reply to all of them because i don't really know how to respond except by keyboard smashing. thank you for the 200+ kudos! we're almost done. hang in there. i hope ya'll like this! :)</p><p>yell at me on twt as usual: _momorings</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>eight.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Sana walks back to the reception after freshening up in the bathroom. She’s made sure her yes don’t look bloodshot and tired from all the crying, made sure her face doesn’t look as puffy as it had been minutes earlier. She goes back and makes her way to the open bar, determined to at least try to enjoy the rest of the night downing as much alcohol she can stomach.</p><p>Jeongyeon spots her as she asks the bartender for a glass of scotch.</p><p>“Hey. Where were you?” she asks.</p><p>
  <em>Why can’t you stop being selfish?</em>
</p><p>Sana breathes out and looks over with a smile.</p><p>“Bathroom. The parfait didn’t sit well.”</p><p>Jeongyeon makes a face, hitting her friend lightly on the shoulder. “Gross. Have you seen Momo anywhere though?”</p><p>Sana looks away, eyes stinging at the mere mention of Momo’s name.</p><p> “Nah. I didn’t see her go inside the bathroom either.”</p><p>The lie rolls off her tongue as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Jeongyeon eyes her knowingly but Sana keeps her eyes straight ahead, pretending to be interested in the different kinds of alcoholic drinks stacked behind the bar. It’s a feeble attempt at innocence but she hopes it works anyways.</p><p>Jeongyeon’s silence tells her it isn’t working.</p><p>She kicks herself inwardly.</p><p>“Right.” Jeongyeon says after a while. “I should go look for her. We’ve been asked to play another song.”</p><p>“At the balcony.” Sana replies, surprising even herself. She knows Momo wasn’t okay and that she needed someone so she decides to drops the lie.</p><p>
  <em>After everything, I still fucking care for you, Hirai. </em>
</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“At the balcony near the door. Maybe she’s still there.”</p><p>Jeongyeon knits her brows together, looking at Sana in confusion. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Sana faces her and smiles. “I’m alright. You should go look for her.”</p><p>It takes all of her strength not to cry again.</p><p>Jeongyeon stares at Sana’s watery eyes, her forced smile, and it dawns on her.</p><p>“Sana, I —”</p><p>“It’s okay, Jeong.” Sana replies, blinking back tears. “You should go. I’ll see you later.”</p><p>Jeongyeon puts a hand on her shoulder, “I’ll be back.”</p><p>Sana nods and doesn’t watch her leave. The bartender places a glass of scotch in front of her and Sana’s never felt so relieved to see the golden brown liquid shimmering under the lights in her entire life.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo’s been thinking about it for a while — leaving.</p><p>Leaving the band, leaving Sana, leaving everything behind and try to fix herself before coming back.</p><p>She’s formed a plan already: get a divorce, finish the comeback and leave. She’s gone through it over and over again and every time she does, she finds herself much more scared than the last. She doesn’t want to do it, after all, how can she leave everyone? How can she leave Sana?</p><p>She steps outside and hails a cab, too stressed and anxious to drive to their apartment. Momo gets in and stares at the papers on her lap, her feet tapping the floor of the cab as she lets the city pass her by.</p><p>She doesn’t want to do it. But what other choice does she have? If she stays any longer she’s sure she’s going to break, she’s sure she’ll lose control and destroy everything.</p><p>She isn’t okay, she feels like shit.</p><p>Momo thinks she’s a ticking time bomb and the only way she can save everyone from getting hurt was to leave them and keep them as far away from her as possible.</p><p>
  <em>Get a divorce. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t drag Sana down with you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She deserves better.</em>
</p><p>She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she sees wet circles on the papers.</p><p>“Fuck,” she whispers, wiping her eyes harshly.</p><p>
  <em>She has to do this. </em>
</p><p>Momo takes in a breath and moves her gaze to the city outside the cab window.</p><p>She imagines she’s twenty, sleeping soundly with Sana’s arms wrapped around her.</p><p>--</p><p>She arrives at their apartment, knees shaking and heart pounding as she walks to their unit. She takes a breath before opening the door.</p><p>All the lights are off save for the lights from the city outside their window. Sana loved drawing the back the curtains to watch the view and drink wine together — somehow that knowledge makes her chest tighten even more.</p><p>Momo spots her on the couch, wearing Momo’s Sailor Moon printed shirt and gray sweatpants. There’s a half empty glass of wine and a plate of cheese on the table but she has her eyes glued to her phone. Sana looks like she’s been enjoying a night inside, completely unaware of what shit storm Momo is about to drop on her.</p><p>“Sana,” she begins, voice quiet.</p><p>Sana turns to her, smiling softly. “Momoring! Where were you? I’m sorry I turned all the lights off, I was in the mood to watch the cityscape.” Sana places her phone on the table and continues talking. “Also I think we got robbed, some of your stuff aren’t here, mostly your clothes. Although I have a nagging suspicion that you gave them away to buy new ones.”</p><p>Sana giggles, waiting for Momo to laugh along but Momo doesn’t speak.</p><p>
  <em>I can’t do this. </em>
</p><p>Momo’s extended silence causes Sana’s giggle to die down. “Alright, I’m sorry. I should sound more worried about a break-in.”</p><p>Still no answer.</p><p>Momo’s tongue lays heavy inside her mouth, it tastes like rust and dread.</p><p>Sana looks at her, worry filling in the creases of her forehead. “Momo? What’s wrong?”</p><p>
  <em>I can’t break her heart.</em>
</p><p>Momo stares and watches as Sana’s eyebrows furrow with concern, she’s unable to find it in her to tell her.</p><p>
  <em>I have to do this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sana deserves someone better.</em>
</p><p>Momo thinks of how hurt Sana looks every time they fight, every time Momo pushes her away. Momo thinks of how she hates that she’s destroying her and breaking her heart every single day.</p><p>“Mo—”</p><p>
  <em>I have to do this.</em>
</p><p>“I want a divorce.” Momo finally forces out of her mouth.</p><p>Their world ends the same way it began six years ago — everything disappearing and it’s just the two of them.</p><p>Momo can feel her chest tightening every second she spends watching Sana’s expression jump from shock to confusion.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“A divorce. I want a divorce, Sana.” Momo replies, handing her the divorce papers, hoping it wasn’t obvious her hands were shaking.</p><p>Sana blinks. “…Why?” Her shoulders slump as she looks away, ignoring the papers Momo is trying to give her.</p><p>Momo bites the inside of her cheek.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>“I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.”</p><p>“Momo, did I do something wrong?” Sana asks her, voice small and unsure.</p><p>And it hurts her how Sana’s first instinct was to doubt herself, to think she was at fault instead of Momo’s.</p><p>Momo shakes her head, brows furrowing. “No. You didn’t — it’s me. I-I’m just so tired and unhappy and I don’t think I can spend one more day like this.”</p><p>“You’re tired?” Sana asks again, she hesitates for a moment but she continues. “Of me?”</p><p>Momo looks at her incredulously, <em>no never of you, </em>“It’s more than that.”</p><p>“Let me understand.”</p><p>
  <em>I’m not okay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m miserable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can’t drag you down with me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If this goes on I’ll destroy the both of us. </em>
</p><p>“I can’t do all of this anymore, Sana. I’m — I’m <em>tired</em>. I don’t have it in me to continue anymore.” Momo tells her, it’s not a lie — Momo doesn’t have the strength to go on like this: feeling like shit in the morning, hurting everyone she cares about. She clenches her jaw, trying her damnedest to sound firm, to sound strong, like her heart wasn’t breaking.  </p><p>“What about the band?” Sana asks. Momo swallows, hearing the crack in Sana’s voice. She feels the room shrink and begins to find it hard to breathe.</p><p>“I-I’ll still be in the band. At least unt—”</p><p>“But you’re tired, aren’t you?” Sana cuts in, brows furrowed, cheeks wet with tears.</p><p>Momo starts to break.</p><p>“I am. So fucking tired,” she answers in frustration, “Of everything.”</p><p>“Everything?” Sana asks, throwing Momo a look that could cut diamonds, “Everything? How come the only thing you’re giving up is me? Us? Why? Why does it have to be us? Is it that easy for you?”</p><p>
  <em>It’s fucking not.</em>
</p><p>Momo stares back at her angrily, “You think this is easy for me? Fuck you, Sana. I loved you. I loved you so much.”</p><p>
  <em>Loved.</em>
</p><p>That’s a lie. Loved — as if she doesn’t love her still. But she knows it’s the only way Sana would ever let her go.</p><p>“Loved.” Sana scoffs with a low chuckle<em>.</em></p><p>The way she says it with so much bitterness made something inside Momo fracture. She finally dares to look Sana in the eyes but she instantly regrets it. Her eyes are pleading, begging her for something. She looks at Momo like she’s still the girl who wrote her songs about how much she loves her, like she’s still the girl who proposed to her with a hair tie as the rain drenched them completely.</p><p>
  <em>How? </em>
</p><p>Momo knows she might be very close to breaking altogether. But not yet. Not until she gets out of their apartment, she had to leave.</p><p>A tear strays down her cheeks anyway, Momo wipes it away quickly.</p><p>“Sana, please. Just let me go.” she pleads as she looks back at Sana, hand dropping to her side, and her lifeless gaze morphing into a tired one.</p><p>Sana doesn’t speak, her tears already making it clear how she felt. Momo sighs and she puts the papers beside Sana.</p><p>
  <em>Leave now. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Leave before you change your mind.</em>
</p><p>“Please just… sign the papers. I’ll come back tomorrow to get them.” Momo begs again.</p><p>
  <em>Please. You deserve better.</em>
</p><p>“You’re not sleeping here?” she hears Sana ask.</p><p>“No.” Momo replies. “I—I already moved my stuff back to the band’s penthouse.”</p><p>“I see,” Sana replies lifelessly, thinking of Momo’s missing stuff.  </p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry.</em>
</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Momo tells her before walking out of the apartment and shutting the door behind her.</p><p>Momo’s heart breaks every step she takes away from their home.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Tzuyu finds her just as she downs her fifth glass of scotch.</p><p>She sits beside Sana and eyes her empty glass.</p><p>“Something happened.” Tzuyu says simply, she doesn’t need to ask — Sana being unable to look her in the eye already says a lot.</p><p>Sana nods, still avoiding Tzuyu’s gaze. She keeps her eyes fixated on the empty glass and nods. “Yeah. We talked.”</p><p>“<em>Talked</em>?” she asks, flagging the bartender to ask for a martini.</p><p>Sana asks for another glass of scotch and shrugs. “Well we exchanged words?”</p><p>Tzuyu hits her lightly on the shoulder. “I’m guessing it didn’t go so well.”</p><p>“You can say that,” the older girl laughs, Tzuyu can hear how shaky Sana’s voice sounds.</p><p>“Did she — did she tell you..?” Tzuyu asks.</p><p>Sana nods. “Yeah. She told me why she wanted a divorce.”</p><p>Tzuyu lets out a loud sigh. “Momo was a mess, even before you left. We noticed it. The signs were there and I — we hated how we didn’t do much to help before things got really bad. Not like we could, you knew Momo the most, you know how she keeps things to herself.”</p><p>Sana doesn’t say anything, there’s a fracture in her chest that makes breathing feel heavy.</p><p>“She and Nayeon are very similar.” The younger girl says as she places her chin on her palm, staring at the rack of alcohol bottles behind the bar. “They’re both self-sacrificing dummies.”</p><p>“Momo’s just more stubborn.”</p><p> Tzuyu hums. “I take it Momo still doesn’t want to fix things?”</p><p>Sana shakes her head no, somber. “Nope.” She lets out a heavy breath and finally looks Tzuyu in the eye. “It’s really over.”</p><p>For a second, Tzuyu’s taken aback by Sana’s watery eyes, brows furrowed together in an obvious attempt in stopping herself from crying.</p><p>Tzuyu feels her heart twist into knots.</p><p>“I guess our stupid plan didn’t work,” she says with a sigh, in an attempt to lighten up the mood. She holds Sana’s gaze, “I honestly thought it did.”</p><p>Sana thinks back to how that day went: she and Momo holding hands, talking and laughing during the bachelorette party like the past two years never happened. She recalls all the times Momo gave her hope; the time she came over and slept with her arms around Sana, Momo following her out the bar just to tell her the guy wasn’t anyone important and take her home safely. For some fucked up reason, she knows a part of her thought they were going to be okay despite Momo saying no over and over and over.</p><p>
  <em>You only saw what you wanted to see.</em>
</p><p>Her heart breaks all over again but Sana takes a deep breath, refusing to cry. She’s done too much of that and she’s tired.</p><p>Worn out.                                               </p><p>“Me too,” is all Sana says, voice just above a whisper.</p><p>Tzuyu looks away and shakes her head. “I saw the way she looked at you,” the younger girl tells her, earning a quizzical look from Sana.</p><p>Tzuyu rolls her eyes. “That soft look she’s always reserved for you. The one I saw back when we spent days in the studio and she was busy writing songs about you. The look she gives you when you say something funny and she pretends she hates it.” Tzuyu looks Sana in the eye. “The one I saw at your wedding.”</p><p>Sana purses her lips, heartstrings being pulled apart a thousand times over.</p><p>“I saw it again yesterday and thought she may have finally given both of you a chance to be happy again. Or at least try to.”</p><p>
  <em>Why can’t you stop being selfish and just sign the divorce papers?</em>
</p><p>“Well, you were wrong.” Sana replies, throat closing in.</p><p>Tzuyu momentarily shifts her gaze to the glass of martini and the glass of scotch the bartender had placed in front of them. She takes a sip of her drink before turning her attention to Sana again. “Does this mean you’re going to let this divorce push through uncontested?”</p><p>She doesn’t reply, the memory of Momo’s frustrated face flashing inside her mind.  </p><p>
  <em>Stop being selfish.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Momo’s already done, it’s about time you should be too.</em>
</p><p>Sana reaches for her drink and takes a swig, the alcohol burns her throat as she swallows. She’s known Momo for years and she knows the two of them exhibit sacrifice differently; Momo shows it through her willingness to let go and Sana does it with her unshakeable determination to hold on.</p><p>She thinks that maybe she should try Momo’s approach for a change, she’s done it once before when she left the first time.</p><p> “Yeah.” Sana says finally.</p><p>She figures letting go might work this time around.</p><p>--</p><p>Jeongyeon pushes the balcony door open and sees Momo on the bench, chin resting on her knees, looking straight ahead. She hears her sniffling and Jeongyeon sighs before moving to take a seat on the space beside her.</p><p>“I hate that seeing you like this has become a repeating occurrence.” Jeongyeon tells her, eyes admiring the view in front of them.</p><p>“Like what? Alone and miserable?” Momo asks, wiping the tears from her face.</p><p>Jeongyeon nods. “Yeah.” She turns her gaze over to Momo and nudges her knee with her shoulder.</p><p>“So what happened?”</p><p>Momo lets out a breath. “Do you want the long version or the short version?”</p><p>Jeongyeon hums in thought.</p><p>“Either one sounds okay. You know I’ll listen.”</p><p>“Well, I fucked up.” Momo replies with a bitter laugh.</p><p>“Ah, so nothing new?”</p><p>Momo groans, nudging her friend back with her knee. “Shut up.”</p><p>Jeongyeon laughs softly. “Tell me how you fucked up this time though?”</p><p>“Sana wanted to fix things, fix our marriage.” Momo begins, tears beginning to form again. “I told her no and she asked me why.”</p><p>She plays with the fabric of her gown as she continues. “I ended up breaking down and told her everything.”</p><p>“So she knows? That you went back for her?” Jeongyeon asks, leaning back on the bench.</p><p>“Yeah. And she now knows why I wanted to get a divorce in the first place.”</p><p>“What’d she say after you told her?”</p><p>“She told me we can still work on this, on both ourselves together.”</p><p>“Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing then? Momo, you hurt her so much, it’s why she left in the first place yet she’s still willing to fix things between the both of you. Do you really not want that?”</p><p>“I do.” Momo lets out, frustrated. “I want things to go back to the way they were before all this shit. I want to fix things too.”</p><p>“But you still said no.”</p><p>Momo nods, face already wet with tears.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because I really am tired, Jeong. I have been for <em>so long</em>.” Momo replies, a sob rising from her throat. “I’m tired and really scared. And it’s not <em>just</em> about the two of us — I’m, I’m still not okay. I tried to get better but two years and all I have ever succeeded in doing is put up an even bigger wall so I won’t get hurt even more and everyone else I care about. And even then I still managed to screw things up, I still ended up hurting her and myself. I don’t want to destroy her even more.”</p><p>“She loves you. She’d understand if you just tell her properly.”</p><p>“I’d drag her down.”</p><p>“Momo—”</p><p>“I knew she wouldn’t let me go, she won’t set herself free from me so I called her selfish. I called her selfish as if I wasn’t.” Momo says with a bitter laugh. “At least it worked. It <em>finally </em>fucking <em>worked</em>. The look in her eyes before she walked away was a dead giveaway.”</p><p>Jeongyeon could only sigh as she pulls Momo into a gentle hug.</p><p>“I’m sorry this is happening, Mo.” Jeongyeon murmurs. “But please just tell Sana what you really feel before it’s too late.”</p><p>“I think it already is.” Momo whispers, sobs rising from her throat. She cries until her chest feels like it’s about to rip itself open.</p><p>Jeongyeon curses the universe as she lets her best friend sob in her arms, not caring if her sleeves get soaked.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>It rains that night and Momo doesn’t sleep.</p><p>She tosses and turns as she thinks about Sana all alone in the apartment they used to share, about the divorce papers she left on the couch, cursing the sound of the rain as she does so. By four in the morning, she’s still wide awake, sitting on the floor as she stares at their wedding picture.</p><p>It feels wrong, all of it feels wrong.</p><p>She thinks of her plan, thinks of all the consequences she’s going to face if she goes through with it. She thinks of all the things, all the people she’s going to lose.</p><p>She thinks of Sana.</p><p>It’s her — it always fucking comes back to her. Momo had hurt her, Momo had made her cry so much the past few months, Momo had broken her heart far too many times than she can count, and this one was the biggest heartbreak she could have given her.</p><p>She thinks of Sana, smile putting sunshine to shame. She thinks of her warm hugs and reassuring touches, thinks of how the words <em>I love you </em>sound like the wind chimes swaying against the light summer breeze back in Momo’s childhood home. Her chest tightens.</p><p>She thinks of Sana and her plan doesn’t seem plausible anymore.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. </em>
</p><p>The weight of what she’s done crashes down on her. Momo puts their picture down and gets up.</p><p>She can’t go through with this.</p><p>She fucked up.</p><p>Momo glances at the clock on her bedside table, the numbers <em>4:50 </em>glaring at her in red. She grabs her hoodie and dashes out of her room. The living room is dark and quiet, she almost jumps when she spots Jihyo on the couch.</p><p>
  <em>Damn early risers.</em>
</p><p>“Jesus, Ji.”</p><p>“Momo? Where are you going?” she asks, steam coming out of her mug.</p><p>Momo puts her hoodie on and takes a deep breath. “I’m off to fix the biggest mistake of my life.”</p><p>--</p><p>Sana only sits up when she feels her back beginning to hurt. Her face feels sticky from all the tears that have dried up and she can’t seem to breathe properly, but she pays no mind to those. She inches closer to the papers on the couch.</p><p>Her mind replays Momo’s words over and over and over. Sana’s heart just breaks.</p><p>Momo is tired.</p><p>Tired of everything, she’d told her. Tired of everything and everyone but the thing she seems to be giving up on is their marriage, the only person she seems to be giving up on is her.</p><p>
  <em>I’m the one Momo chose to let go of.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m the one she wants gone.</em>
</p><p>She looks at the papers again and a thought comes to her mind.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe it’s best if I leave.</em>
</p><p>--</p><p>Momo mentally kicks herself when she realizes she forgot to bring her car keys when she dashed out of their penthouse.</p><p>“Did your mom give birth to you just so you can be this stupid, Momo?” she mutters. She looks out the doors and heaves a deep sigh.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck it.                                                                           </em>
</p><p>She pulls her hood up and rushes outside, to hell with the rain — she’s going to have to run.</p><p>So she does.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana doesn’t give much thought to the things she’s going to pack. She just grabs a handful of clothes from the closet, underwear, and other essentials, and dumps it all inside her huge ass suitcase. She makes sure her travel documents and ID are already inside her backpack before heading to the bathroom to wash her face. Sana doesn’t bother changing out of her clothes and throws on a hoodies before putting her glasses on and pulling a baseball cap over her head.</p><p>She takes a look around the room and bites her lip.</p><p>It’s over. And so are the girls they used to be, staring at each other like they’re each other’s best kept gold, mouthing sweet words at each other to drown whatever shit the world threw at them.</p><p>Now, Sana realizes, this place is filled with ghosts.</p><p>Traces of her and Momo burning away, scattered like ash. All the conversations they had in the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom — it’s all there. But all those conversations are over, all the hugs have been let go, all the kisses pulled away, and Sana cannot do anything else except let go the same way Momo has.</p><p>Sana needs to leave — it’s best if she does.</p><p>She takes her backpack and lugs her suitcase outside to hail a cab. It’s raining and the cab is small but suddenly, Sana feels like she can breathe again.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo’s heart pounds when the familiar façade of their shared apartment comes into view. Her hoodie is already soaked from the rain but she pushes forward, not caring if she steps on the puddles of water on the sidewalk.</p><p>
  <em>Sana.</em>
</p><p>She thinks of her when she runs inside the apartment complex, she wracks her brain to find the right words to tell her when she reaches their door. Momo pants and collects herself before placing her hand on the doorknob.</p><p>
  <em>Sana, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I don’t want a divorce. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m so sorry.</em>
</p><p>She prepares herself to plead, to beg Sana to take her back. She prepares an apology. Momo turns the knob and pushes the door open.</p><p>
  <em>I’m so </em>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>Momo expects to see Sana, pink hair a mess, asleep on the couch and wearing Momo’s oversized shirt. But she’s greeted by an empty apartment instead. Her heart pounds — <em>maybe she’s in the bedroom</em>. Momo steps inside, trying not to let her knees buckle, and rushes to the bedroom. She opens the door and peers in, Sana isn’t in here either but the closet door is wide open. Momo pushes the door open further, panic starts to settle in her bones when she realizes what’s going on.</p><p>She feels her eyes water, she blinks the tears back but they spill and roll down her cheeks instead. Her knees finally give up on her and she falls on the floor. A sob rises from her chest and Momo feels the room close in on her. Momo clutches her chest, trying to breathe.</p><p>She’s gone.</p><p>Sana’s gone.</p><p>--</p><p>The news of Sana being spotted at the airport spreads like wildfire online, it spreads and spreads to most of the people on Twitter before the band even gets wind of it. In the penthouse, Jeongyeon and Tzuyu are still asleep in their rooms, Jihyo’s in the living room, drinking coffee while watching a movie. Nayeon gets pulled out of sleep at 4:30 in the morning because her phone is ringing nonstop.</p><p>She groans and sits up before reaching over her bedside table and answers the call from the band’s publicist.</p><p>“Hello?” Nayeon answers, sleep still evident in her voice.</p><p>“<em>Nayeon, what is Sana doing at the airport?” </em></p><p>“What do you mean airport?” she asks again, still confused.</p><p>“<em>She’s been spotted at the airport. A bunch of tweets with pictures of her carrying a large suitcase and backpack have already gone viral in the past forty-five minutes. What the hell is going on?”</em></p><p>That wakes her up immediately.</p><p>“What? Oh god —”</p><p>“<em>Call her! The band is in the middle of comeback and they’re supposed to go on tour next week! They’re already taking a hit and the company is not happy. Get her back, Im!”</em></p><p>The publicist ends the call before Nayeon could even say a word. She gets off her bed and proceeds to dial Sana’s number. She ignores all the notifications, ignores all the alerts, and she notices she has one unread message.</p><p> </p><p><strong>best-est guitarist and college roommate in the world <br/></strong><strong>[3:51]</strong><strong><br/></strong>i can’t stay in seoul anymore<br/>i’m sorry, nayeon. <br/>tell everyone else i’m sorry too.</p><p> </p><p>Her blood runs cold.</p><p>Nayeon dials her number and calls her as she rushes outside of her room to tell everyone. Nayeon listens in and waits for Sana to answer but Sana’s number is already out of reach.</p><p>--</p><p>“Nayeon.” Jihyo says when Nayeon steps into the living room, she notices the rest of the band are already up with her.</p><p>“We already tried calling her.” Tzuyu tells her, there’s a crack in her voice and it breaks Nayeon’s heart.</p><p>“Is it true?” Jihyo swallows and clenches her jaw — always the brave one, always the leader, always the strong one.</p><p>Tzuyu’s hair is a mess, Jeongyeon’s already crying. Nayeon puts her phone down and looks at them, she’s trying not to cry as well. She’s confused and stressed out and there’s something else. Something that makes Nayeon feel like her chest has been hammered over and over again.</p><p>“I— Where’s Momo?”</p><p>“I saw her run out earlier, I think she was going back to their apartment.” Jihyo answers.</p><p>“Do you think she —?”</p><p>“I’ll go get her.” Jeongyeon speaks up, wiping her tears off before she heads out the door. Nayeon stands there, frozen the center of the living room with her knees so close to buckling. She realizes the other thing she’s feeling — it’s almost the same thing she felt when she watched Mina walk out of the diner two years ago.</p><p>She gives up the fight she has with herself and allows herself to cry; she couldn’t help it, she’d lost someone else important again.</p><p>                                                                                                      --</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>“Baby.” Nayeon murmurs against the crook of Mina’s neck, hands settling around Mina’s waist comfortably as they sway along to the music. </p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Have I told you you look beautiful tonight?”</p><p>Mina lets out a laugh, it’s soft and it sounds like home. “Only about a million times.”</p><p>Nayeon chuckles. “Mina, you look beautiful tonight.”</p><p>“Stop hitting on me, I’m married you know.” Mina, her wife, her <em>wife</em> says as she laughs louder this time.</p><p>“Your wife’s a lucky bastard.” Nayeon notes rather smugly.</p><p>She feels Mina press a kiss on the top of her head and Nayeon begins to feel lightheaded, several years in yet Mina has never failed to make her feel like a love struck school girl.</p><p>“Honestly, I think I’m luckier.” Mina replies, rubbing Nayeon’s back gently. “Thank you for singing earlier. I’m proud of you. I know it’s been a long while since you last sung in public.”</p><p>“Mm.” Nayeon murmurs. “I missed it — performing, I mean. I’ve been working behind the scenes for years and I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be the one on stage.”</p><p>“Have you ever thought of giving it another try?”</p><p>“I have.” Nayeon answers honestly. There were times when she watches her friends performing, wowing the crowd and commanding the stage, and she imagines herself doing those with them, she imagines giving herself a chance to live her dream again. But Nayeon’s older, she’s definitely grown a lot wiser and she’s learned a lot of things in the past few years — and that includes letting things be and letting things go.</p><p>And over the past few years, Nayeon has learned to forgive herself for giving up her dream.</p><p>“It felt great to perform again and it definitely made my twenty two year old self really happy.” Nayeon lifts her head up to meet Mina’s eyes. “But I don’t think I’ll try again though.”</p><p>Mina knits her brows together, a little confused. “Why not, love?”</p><p>“I’m happier now.” Nayeon smiles, it’s earnest and sincere and Mina swears she falls in love with her again like it’s the first time.</p><p>“Maybe in another life I’d be the girl who lives to perform and sing her heart out. But in this life, I’m Im Nayeon, the manager of a really, really successful band and I’m really good at my job. I’m Im Nayeon and I have the best friends in the world. I’m Im Nayeon, Myoui Mina’s wife. In this life, I’m loved and I’m happy.”</p><p>Nayeon raises a hand to cup Mina’s cheek, the latter leans into the touch as her confused expression melts and softens into something else, it’s pride and admiration — Nayeon’s too good for this world.</p><p>“I can sing for you at home anyways. My singing is a private party and you’re like, the only VIP member. And maybe our children too.”</p><p>Mina laughs again, her heart feels full at the thought of the realm of possibilities they have on their hands. “<em>Children?</em>”</p><p>Nayeon nods. “If you want! Or we could just get Ray a sibling. Or siblings.”</p><p>Mina giggles and kisses her softly. They’re still swaying to the music, the band’s playing something romantic, some song about finding love and keeping it forever, but it fades into the background and Nayeon hears nothing else except Mina’s soft ‘<em>I love you’</em>.</p><p>Nayeon meant what she said — she’s happy and honestly that’s all that matters.</p><p>--</p><p>“Are you ready to go back inside?” Jeongyeon asks, voice still full of concern.</p><p>Momo lets out an exhale and nods. “Yeah. I don’t know if I can face Sana right now honestly and she obviously isn’t going to want to see me but whatever, we still need to perform. I don’t want to ruin Mina and Nayeon’s wedding reception, they deserve to have a nice night.”</p><p>“You should really try to talk to her, you know. Before the divorce pushes through.”</p><p>There’s a sigh.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Hm.” Jeongyeon says, taking a look at her best friend as if she’s examining her. “Well I hate to break it to you but you look like shit, Hirai.”</p><p>Momo finally laughs a little, Jeongyeon’s chest feels a little lighter. “Help me fix my makeup then, asshole.”</p><p>Jeongyeon grins as she gets off the bench, she holds her hand out to Momo. “Let’s go, we don’t want to keep the brides waiting.”</p><p>Momo nods and takes her friend’s hand. The ache in her chest is still present, her knees still feel too weak to support her weight, but she sucks it up the way she has been for years.</p><p>She’s mastered the art of pretending she’s okay, she’s sure she’ll survive one more night.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Jeongyeon arrives at the apartment and sees Momo on the floor in the middle of the room, drenched from the rain, face wet with tears.</p><p>“Momo.”</p><p>Her friend looks up and sobs, the sight hurts Jeongyeon more than she thought it would.</p><p>“I was too late.” Momo tells her, voice small. It reminds Jeongyeon of the time Momo fell off her bike when they were eight, her friend was scared and hurt and Jeongyeon knows that’s pretty much what Momo is feeling right now.</p><p>She doesn’t pry, she doesn’t ask Momo to say anything else.</p><p>Jeongyeon knows.</p><p>So she drops down next to Momo and pulls her into a hug, it doesn’t make things hurt less but at least it’s enough to make Momo feel like she isn’t alone.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana fidgets in her seat, her phone is already off but she’s aware of the chaos she had caused by buying a last minute plane ticket to Japan and actually getting on the flight.</p><p>She knows she it was a reckless move, she knows there are probably pictures of her waiting for her flight spreading around like a flashfire online. But she tries not to think about it too much, she’ll make it a problem for tomorrow’s Sana because right now all she wants to do is leave South Korea and hide.</p><p>It’s cold inside the plane. Sana wraps her jacket around her torso tighter, mildly regretting not bundling up even more.</p><p>Sana stares out the window and thinks about how loss comes in many different forms and hers is the image of Momo shutting the door behind her.</p><p>--</p><p>“They were about to get a divorce.” Jihyo says tonelessly, her cup of coffee abandoned cold on the living room center table. “Jeongyeon and I overheard Momo talking to a divorce lawyer the other day.”</p><p>Nayeon tears her gaze away from the carpeted floor and zeroes in on Jihyo, confused. “Why would they —”</p><p>“I-I don’t know. They seemed a bit off for a while now. I’ve noticed, it’s like they’re drifting apart. And Momo — Momo’s different.” Jihyo replies, not meeting Nayeon’s gaze. “I tried to talk to her so many times already but Momo never let anything slip.”</p><p>“I want to believe you’re wrong but—” Tzuyu interjects shakily, voice clear in the quiet room. She bites the inside of her cheek, pain concealed in performative defiance. She’s noticed all the things Jihyo mentioned, something changed and as much as she wants to believe that they’re living in a world that’s kind to people who cannot keep up with it, reality’s already sucker punched all of them in the face.</p><p>Jihyo shakes her head, “You know I’m not, Tzuyu.” It breaks their heart even more. “Even if the fallout didn’t happen today or last night, it still would have happened eventually.”</p><p> “Sana’s going to come back.” Tzuyu whispers, even if that is the flimsiest statement to be muttered by anyone in the world that time because Sana believed in her once and that faith gave her <em>this</em> family so Tzuyu’s going to believe in her too.</p><p>“She’s going to.” she finishes.</p><p> “Nayeon.” Jihyo decides to meet Nayeon’s gaze and Nayeon sees the uncertainty in her eyes, it’s something she rarely ever sees in Jihyo. “What’s going to happen if — if Sana doesn’t come back?”</p><p>
  <em>God.</em>
</p><p>Nayeon’s head hurts just <em>thinking </em>about it, her lungs hammer inside her ribcage.</p><p>“It can be pretty messy,” she manages to choke out, “the label could sue her for breach of contract. And if the public doesn’t take the news of her leaving too well, BDZ might… you know.”</p><p>Nayeon doesn’t need to spell it out for the two of them.</p><p>Hot tears sting in Tzuyu’s eyes, sharp like spindles. She starts to think of castle walls toppling over, her family of four years starting break apart. She looks at Nayeon and Jihyo, she thinks of Momo and Sana and Jeongyeon, suddenly she’s a nine year old girl again, cowering in sadness and disappointment and misery at her father’s disapproval.</p><p>And with the illusion of invincibility ripped away so cruelly, Tzuyu begins to feel something she hasn’t felt in so long in the presence of the safety offered by the band — fear.</p><p>Nayeon sees the fear consume Tzuyu’s beautiful face and she swears she can hear her heart shatter. </p><p>“<em>Unnie</em><em>—</em>” Tzuyu tries to say but a sob replaces the words in her throat.</p><p>The tears come out by then and Nayeon takes her in and pulls her into a hug. Nayeon’s the oldest and she’s supposed to be the strongest among them, she’s supposed to take care of them, and she was fucking going to.</p><p>“I won’t let that happen, Tzuyu.” Nayeon tells her, defiance bubbling inside her bloodstream. “I promise.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p><strong>kelly wants a gf</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod </em>· 2h<br/>OH MYGFUFCLKFLKDL BDZ REUNION AT NAYEON AND MINA’S WEDDING!!! DXJSDJLLDJZL I’M FUCKING SWEATING WITH MY EYES</p><p><strong>bdz’s number one fan </strong><em>@momosdrums </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod</em><em><br/></em><em>FUCKFLJLS SANA’S THERE!!! OT5!!! OT5!!!!1</em></p><p><strong>kelly</strong> <em>@jihyoismygod </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @momosdrums</em><br/>BITCH IM ACTUALLY SHAKINGGG</p><p><strong>BDZ OT5</strong> <em>@bassgirljeong </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @jihyoismygod @momosdrums</em><br/>manager nayeon sounds so good too oh my go d this is the performance i never knew i needed</p><p><strong>TZUYU BEST GIRL</strong> <em>@chouchewyy </em>· 2h<br/><em>Replying to @bassgirljeong @jihyoismygod @momosdrums</em><br/>I LOVE THEM SO MUCH JESUS CHRIST THEY LOOK SO HAPPY OHYMGO D</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo asks to be left alone once she and Jeongyeon arrive back at the penthouse, and the lifelessness in her eyes, the dullness in her voice is enough for them to let her be.</p><p>Jeongyeon joins Nayeon, Jihyo, and Tzuyu in the living room, with the latter three huddled beside each other on the couch. Momo’s probably asleep, or crying herself to sleep, her cheeks wet against her pillows. None of them say a word for a while — it’s a waiting game and it’s brutal to people like them who aren’t used to stagnancy and immobility.</p><p>“The label wants to talk later.” Nayeon announces before the silence completely consumes them, gathering her bearings and struggling to keep her priorities in check. She can’t remain in the current emotional she’s in right now, not if she wants to protect the band and her friends.</p><p>“We’re in pretty hot shit, huh.” Jeongyeon comments, a chuckle escapes her mouth but there’s no humor to it.</p><p>“Yeah but I won’t let anything bad happen to you guys.” Nayeon tells them. “If and when I stop them from even mentioning anything about disbandment, we’ll surely talk about the tour and the comeback promotions.”</p><p>She looks at them, hoping that talking about work would help them gain a little sense of normalcy.</p><p>“We’ll have to push dates and reschedule.”</p><p>“I can’t decide whether I love your blind optimism or absolutely hate it right now, Nay.” Jeongyeon replies.</p><p>“Whatever.” Nayeon says dismissively. She looks at Jeongyeon and the defiance in her posture melts away. “Did… Did Momo tell you anything? About what happened with her and Sana?”</p><p>Jeongyeon shakes her head no. “She’s a mess right now but I’m sure she’ll tell us when she’s not crying her eyes out.”</p><p>“I hope so.” Nayeon whispers.</p><p>“Me too.” Jihyo seconds.</p><p>The silence leaves the living room as the sounds of the city coming alive replace it. But the tension and the remorse stretch themselves out to every corner of the penthouse, thoughts of <em>what ifs </em>and <em>what-they-could-have-dones </em>lash out inside their heads like waves during a storm.</p><p>Jihyo thinks of earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis and she thinks of how cruel it is that sometimes the aftermath of the destruction is much more devastating than the actual disaster itself.</p><p>--</p><p>Momo half-heartedly changes out of her wet clothes when she steps inside her room.</p><p><em>Her </em>room.</p><p>As if she didn’t share it with Sana for years before they moved out and took shelter in a place of their own, as if there wasn’t a picture of the two of them together on the night stand, as if the vanity mirror at the edge of the room didn’t have pictures of them plastered on its corners.</p><p>Momo drops herself onto the bed, everything feeling heavy. She wraps her comforter around her tighter than she usually does, the cold from the rain raises the goosebumps on her skin.</p><p>It smells like Sana, she realizes — cedar and jasmine, and the fracture in her heart grows bigger. She places a hand on her chest hoping to calm herself down but it doesn’t work. She’s filled to the brim with regret and all the excess spills out of her eyes.</p><p>Momo thinks that it’s a terrible thing to witness a great love catch fire and burn away and realize she was the one holding the match.</p><p>--</p><p>“BDZ’s going to finish this week’s promotions and then they go on hiatus before we slowly let them transition into disbandment.” Kang Minhyun, the label representative and one of the company bigwigs, tells them. The members remain still in their seats, their nerves getting the best of them as soon as the word <em>‘disbandment’ </em>is mentions.</p><p>“Why do we have to disband? We’ve been doing well. You can’t do that!” Jihyo begins, trying to stay calm.</p><p>Nayeon reaches over and squeezes her hand, letting her know that Nayeon’s got this.</p><p>“I don’t think you have a say here, Jihyo.” Minhyun snaps dismissively.</p><p>“Don’t talk to her like that and <em>no</em>.” Nayeon says firmly as she stares the label representative in the face. “You’re not taking taking the issue out on the band.”</p><p>“Minatozaki Sana <em>is</em> part of the band, she caused this mess and it’s not the label’s fault she left her bandmates to suffer the consequences.”</p><p>Momo looks at her hands, nails chipping away the nail polish as she fidgets. The guilt and regret swallows her whole.</p><p>
  <em>Sana didn’t cause this, I did.</em>
</p><p>She’s about to speak up but she gets cut off by Nayeon’s sharp voice.</p><p>“No.” Nayeon repeats, angered at the accusation. “You don’t get to say that. Not when you have no idea how much she loves the band and the members.”</p><p>“She —“</p><p>“No. You’re <em>not</em> touching Sana, you’re not going to ruin the band by going through with the disbandment either.”</p><p>“Im, who’s going to support BDZ if one member disappeared for no reason?”</p><p>Nayeon’s brows furrow together as she scoffs. “A lot of people! They have a huge fanbase, not to mention loyal. They’d support them still.”</p><p>She hasn’t slept, choosing to focus on making plans regarding the security of the band from disbandment and any other irrational shit the label might pull. Her hair is pulled back into a careful ponytail, she’s wearing a white blouse and dark pants, and besides the dark circles under her eyes, anyone who didn’t know her wouldn’t be able to tell that she’s been up since four in the god damn morning.  </p><p>Nayeon means business, Nayeon knows she has a job to do and she was going to do it.</p><p>“The band is getting bad rep from this, Im! From rumors of her breakup with Momo to rumors of bullying within the band, <em>all</em> the members are in hot shit right now not just Minatozaki. You don’t understand —”</p><p>Nayeon’s temper flares up, her big sister tendencies are being reckoned and provoked and she’s going to make sure the representative regrets it.</p><p>“No, <em>you </em>don’t understand. BDZ is the first group this label has handled and the band has been hard carrying this company ever since. Whose profits built the new building? The whole fucking third floor of the old one? The band did. Who keeps selling out all the concerts and shows and whatever shit merchandise the marketing team puts out? BDZ. The group has been around for so long and has been doing spectacular no thanks to you and your medieval ways of managing a group. Don’t threaten them with disbandment because you assholes wouldn’t be enjoying Saturday nights out on your yachts if it weren’t for the band’s hardwork.” Nayeon spits out, her tongue’s sharp but she doesn’t care, instead she continues with her tirade.</p><p>“If you go through with this bullshit then say goodbye to the band, I’m sure there are tons of labels who’d love to take in the current number one alternative rock band in the country. And when that happens and believe me when I say it will, say goodbye to all the cash that’s currently going into your pockets.”</p><p>Minhyun — the bastard doesn’t say anything but looking at how he swallows down whatever he was supposed to say, Nayeon knows she’s hit him where it hurts.</p><p>“Im,” he starts.</p><p>Nayeon regains her composure and clears her throat. “I’m sorry I yelled.”</p><p>Jeongyeon feels a giggle bubble up her throat but she resists the urge to laugh, Nayeon’s shift from menacingly persistent to calmly polite is giving her some sort of whiplash.</p><p>Minhyun breathes out and shakes his head. “What do you plan on doing to deal with this whole mess then? Since you seem like you’ve already thought this whole thing through.”</p><p>Nayeon smiles, she means business after all but she dials back the venom in her voice.</p><p>“Let the band finish the promotions for this week and let them take a break afterwards, a short hiatus or something but they’re not disbanding. They just need to rest and recuperate, especially Momo.”</p><p>“And what about Minatozaki?”</p><p>“We just tell the public that she left to rest. That’s all. The world doesn’t deserve to know what goes on in her private life, it’s nobody’s business. The members already have enough of their lives under a microscope, they don’t need to expose more of it.”</p><p>Minhyun groans in frustration. He pauses and stares at Nayeon, mulling over everything the girl has said. Nayeon is only a little worried, she knows she’s got him.</p><p>“I’ve yet to punish you for the earlier disrespect, Im but alright. I have no room for your threats so do what you will. Let the band take a break but not for more than a year. If this blows up in your faces, it’ll be your ass we first kick out into the curb.”</p><p>Nayeon nods.</p><p>“Alright. You have a deal.”</p><p>--</p><p>The car ride back to the band’s penthouse is quiet, the silence twists itself into every nook and cranny of the vehicle.</p><p>It’s Momo who speaks up first.</p><p>After they all flock inside the living room, it’s her who grabs Nayeon’s hand and talks to her.</p><p>“Thank you,” she mumbles, eyes already starting to water, “for what you did back there.”</p><p>Nayeon shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it. I told you no one’s touching all of you while I’m around.”</p><p>Momo breaks and pulls the older girl into a hug, the rest of the members notice the two of them and stop in their tracks; Jeongyeon watches them, aware of the stinging in her eyes while Jihyo’s already wiping the tears off her own cheeks, Tzuyu lets out a sigh and walks over to where they are standing.</p><p>Nayeon rubs her back gently.</p><p>“We need to talk about what really happened though.”</p><p>Momo nods before pulling away from the hug and collapsing on the couch. The other girls gather around her, ready to listen.</p><p>“I asked for a divorce.” Momo starts, letting out a deep exhale as she tries to continue speaking without restarting the waterworks all over again. “I had all the papers ready and everything. All I needed was for her to sign it.”</p><p>“Momo…” Jihyo murmurs, eyes filled with concern and confusion. “Why? What happened?”</p><p>“It’s not Sana’s fault, she didn’t do anything bad. It’s <em>me</em>.” Momo answers, the fracture in her voice growing more evident as the seconds go by. “I haven’t been doing well for a well, it’s the stress about everything — it’s been getting to me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I mean I thought I did. That’s why I kept it to myself, I thought I could handle it. But the feelings kept getting worse, the attacks — they didn’t stop.”</p><p>Momo realizes there are tears already rolling down her cheeks and so she looks down at her feet before continuing to speak.</p><p>“It’s like it doesn’t matter how fast my heart races or how difficult it is to breathe, the fucking terrible feelings are still there, all the shitty thoughts and anxieties are still fucking there. And it’s gotten to the point where every day I feel like I’m fucking Prometheus cursed to get my liver pecked out by a stupid bird for all of eternity.”</p><p>Momo holds her head in her hands, not allowing herself to fully fall apart until she’s finished telling her friends everything.</p><p>But it hurts, just the mere act of admitting everything she’s been going through for the longest time feels like a stab to the chest.</p><p>“And I didn’t want to be a burden or drag you guys down with me. You had your own stuff to deal with, I couldn’t do that to you. Especially not to Sana.” Momo laughs bitterly. “I had it all fucking planned out: I was going to get a divorce, finish promotions, and leave to deal with myself and to fix my shit before even trying to come back. It was a fucked up plan I know but I didn’t know what else to do, it was the only plausible plan that wouldn’t drag you guys down with me.”</p><p>Jeongyeon listens and she realizes she doesn’t have the strength to hold her tears back anymore.</p><p>“But god, a few hours after I proposed the divorce bullshit I began to regret it. I realized that I couldn’t and I <em>shouldn’t </em>do this alone. I realized that I don’t have the willpower to deal with this metric fuck ton of bullshit by myself anymore.” Momo stammers, tears still rolling down her cheeks. “I can handle it by myself most of the time, you know? But I’m just so <em>fucking exhausted</em>.”</p><p>“I need help.” Momo tells them, her voice shakes, the weight of the admission breaking her again and again. “And Sana — Jesus <em>fuck</em>. I can’t live without her, I just know I can’t so I decided to take it back, to run back to her and beg her not to sign it because I can’t do this shit without her, I love her. And I did, I <em>literally </em>ran back to our apartment, to her but when I got there she was gone. And I was already too late.”</p><p>“Oh, Momo.” Jihyo whispers, rubbing her friend’s back.</p><p>Tzuyu sniffs, wiping her own tears away before she kneels in front of Momo. “She’ll come back — she just needs… time. And you have us, Mo. We always have been, just <em>let </em>us.”</p><p>Jeongyeon chuckles lightly, face also wet with tears. “Momo, I think we’ve been friends long enough for you to stop doubting how we’ll always be here for you. You don’t need to present a disclaimer before we agree to help you.”</p><p>“Let us help, okay?” Nayeon murmurs.</p><p>Momo finally looks up, and nods. She musters up the strength to give them a small smile, feeling grateful and touched, “Okay.”</p><p>Nayeon smiles back, it’s reassuring and warm. And Momo feels safe.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>--</p><p>That night, however, Momo reaches for her phone and stares at Sana’s contact number. They told her her number’s been out of reach since she left but Momo can’t help but hope, so she opens her gathers her courage and types ‘<em>Sana, where are you?’</em>. Her thumb hovers over the send button but she stops herself from pressing it. She deletes her message and types up another one, this time saying ‘<em>I’m sorry’</em>, she deletes it again and composes a new one.</p><p>
  <em>Please, come home.</em>
</p><p>She stares at it, trying to summon enough bravery to press send.</p><p>In the end, she doesn’t.</p><p>
  <strong>--</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Sana’s already feeling dizzy when she decides to step away from the open bar.</p><p>She grabs the glass of gin and tonic off the counter and follows Tzuyu as they make their way to where their friends are.</p><p>“Hey, have you seen Jeongyeon?” Jihyo asks when Tzuyu takes the spot beside her. Tzuyu shakes her head no.</p><p>Sana takes a sip of her drink before speaking up.</p><p>“I think she went to look for Momo.”</p><p>“Why? Is there something —” Jihyo says before getting cut off by Tzuyu’s gentle nudge. They exchange looks and Jihyo’s face lights up as the realization dawns on her. “Oh.”</p><p>Tzuyu nods while Chaeyoung and Dahyun, being two of the very few people who’re aware of the Momo-Sana sitation, look at them with eyes full of concern.</p><p>“It’s no big deal.” Sana laughs, the alcohol already getting to her brain. The dull ache sits in her chest and makes a home inside of her. “Things end. Maybe this is how Momo and I are supposed to end.”</p><p>She’s aware of how much she doesn’t want to believe that that is the case, but after the shit that went down between them earlier, Sana feels like she doesn’t have a choice but to accept it.</p><p>“It’s for the best,” she finishes.</p><p>Maybe it is.</p><p>--</p><p>Jeongyeon steps back inside the reception after a couple of minutes finally with Momo in tow.</p><p>By that time, Chaeyoung has already disappeared with Tzuyu into the dance floor, the two of them giggling and looking comfortable as they try to sway with the music. Dahyun on the other hand, has decided to raid the buffet table with her plus one. Jihyo and Sana make small talk while Sana gradually sips her glass empty.</p><p>“Hey,” Jeongyeon greets them as she slots herself beside Jihyo, locking eyes with the latter for a split second.</p><p>It’s a weird telepathic thing they’ve developed over the years, one that’s been useful since they got partnered in some classes back in uni. If Momo and Sana, and Mina and Nayeon have their own versions of the soulmate bullshit where they don’t need to say anything for the other to get what they mean, then maybe this is theirs.</p><p>“We just needed a bit of, uh, fresh air.”</p><p>Jihyo nods.</p><p>“Are you okay now?” she asks the both of them but everyone knows it’s directed to Momo alone.</p><p>“Yeah.” Momo answers simply, cheeks flushed and eyes a little puffy.</p><p>Sana only realizes she’s been staring at her when Momo suddenly looks at her and they accidentally lock gazes. Sana blinks and hurriedly looks away, fixating her gaze on the bodies swaying on the dance floor.</p><p>Jeongyeon clears her throat. “Well, we’re up next right?”</p><p>The tension dissipates a little.</p><p>“Yeah, we should stay closer to the stage.” Jihyo replies, “For easy access.”</p><p>Jeongyeon hums in agreement but before they can take one step towards the stage, Momo’s voice cuts through the music.</p><p>“Are you going to perform with us again?”</p><p>Jihyo and Jeongyeon tense up when they realize Momo’s question is for Sana. Sana looks a little surprised as well, eyebrows raising just enough to convey her shock.</p><p>She takes a step back like the question physically impacts her beforeshe looks back at Momo, tears glossing over forming a layer separating Momo from the russet irises she’s stared into so many times before.</p><p>It renders her speechless.</p><p>It’s Momo’s first sign of surrender.</p><p>Back when they had their petty fights, Momo raised her white flag by asking Sana if she wanted to do something together; ‘<em>Do you wanna eat bulgogi with me?’ </em>when they argued over not being able to eat lunch together, ‘<em>Are you gonna come here and get the cuddles you fought for or not?’ </em>when Sana sulked about them once.</p><p>Sana used to get flooded with comfort and relief when Momo does this but right now, it does nothing but break her a thousand times over.</p><p>Momo’s raised her white flag.</p><p>“Once was enough.”</p><p>Sana doesn’t take the bait.</p><p>--</p><p>BDZ steps onto the stage minutes later for their last performance.</p><p>“Hi, it’s BDZ… again.” Jihyo says with a soft chuckle into the microphone, the crowd laughs with her. “Earlier, we performed for Mina so for our last performance at this wedding, we’re performing a song for Nayeon as per Mina’s request.”</p><p>Nayeon turns to her wife, face a combination of surprise and delight.</p><p>“Really?” Nayeon asks, lips breaking into a smile.</p><p>“I couldn’t let you one up me with the surprises.” Mina teases. “I hope you remember this song, you’re already an old lady.”</p><p>“You’re not allowed to tease me, I just got married today!”</p><p>Mina looks at her incredulously, like it’s the first time she’s hearing about this. “Really? Oh my god. Me too.”</p><p>Nayeon hits her lightly on the shoulder, making Mina laugh. Seeing Mina’s eyes turn into slits as her face breaks open into a smile makes Nayeon’s heart feel full.</p><p>“Everyone, this is Adore You.” Jihyo grins, she looks at the couple and her grin grows wider. “Happy wedding! We love you both!”</p><p>Jeongyeon starts the song with the first bassline, Tzuyu playing along with her. Momo follows not long after while Jihyo prepares to croon out the first few lines.</p><p>“<em>Walk in your rainbow paradise,</em>” Jihyo sings, her cheerful grin turning into a smug smile, “<em>strawberry lipstick state of mind</em>.”</p><p>The people in the ballroom, including the happy couple, dance to the music.</p><p>
  <em>I get so lost inside your eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Would you believe it?</em>
</p><p>Dahyun and Chaeyoung dance on the sides as they sing along, Tzuyu grinning when she sees Chaeyoung enjoying herself.</p><p>Sana remains frozen in her place, her gaze drifting towards Momo. She hates herself for it, hates how she can’t fucking even keep her eyes off of Momo. She hates how after everything that happened, Momo still manages to draw her attention.</p><p>Momo’s mastered the art of tuning everything out, pretending like she’s in her own world, as if she didn’t just have breakdown earlier.</p><p>Sana’s seen this Momo a thousand times before — she’s always different when she’s hitting her drums. Momo’s denied it before but Sana knows the former loves playing her instrument, how the whole song depends on her for the beat, how songs feel less empty when she enters with the drumbeat. </p><p>Momo has always been beautiful. There are moments where she becomes much more beautiful than she already is. Her playing the drums is one of those moments.</p><p>She’s always been drawn to the sight of Momo and her drums, her the muscles in her arms flex as she tightens her grip on the drumsticks. It’d become such a distraction years ago that she used to mess up songs during their practices because she found herself staring at Momo.</p><p>Sana’s always thought it looked fucking spectacular.</p><p>The sight of her had always made her feel like it’s the first time she’s laid eyes on her, it had always made her melt like butter on piping hot French toast during Sunday mornings.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You don't have to say you love me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You don't have to say nothing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You don't have to say you're mine</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>It’s still a terrific sight.</p><p>Only difference is right now, Sana looks at her and just wants to cry.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>With the promotions over and the tour cancelled, the band’s officially on a break. That meant they finally get to unwind, unfortunately, that also meant it gave Momo more time and space to wallow in her thoughts.</p><p>She doesn’t start her therapy sessions until a week later so they decide to drag Momo out to a club one Friday night in yet another one of their attempts to distract and cheer her up while she waits.</p><p>It’s Nayeon who picks where they go to that night.</p><p>“Club Answer,” she tells them, grinning evilly.</p><p>Jihyo rolls her eyes. “Why’d you say it like you just came up with a plan to destroy the world?”</p><p>“With the combination of Nayeon and alcohol? We might as well actually destroy the world.” Jeongyeon interjects, earning a pillow to her face courtesy of the oldest girl.</p><p>They erupt into laughter, including Momo.</p><p>“You’re right. She’s the worst drinker.” Momo says.</p><p>It warms Nayeon’s heart that Momo’s trying so she shoots her a teasing grin.</p><p>“Hello? You and Jeong are the noisiest drunks I’ve ever known.”</p><p>Jeongyeon scoffs. “Talk to me when you don’t need three people to assist you once you get flat out drunk anymore.”</p><p>“Shut <em>up</em>.” Nayeon retorts with a small pout. “Besides, that was me back in college. You know I don’t drink anymore.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.” Jeongyeon sighs before motioning to Momo. “I’m just glad this one agreed to go out.”</p><p>Nayeon looks over at her friend, a soft smile present on her face. “Yeah. I think we all are.”</p><p>--</p><p>They’re a little over thirty minutes in on the second level of Club Answer when Nayeon decides to buy herself a drink.</p><p>She’s been keeping track of how many drinks her friends have consumed — a habit of hers since she’s stopped drinking back in college, it’s her way of fighting the urge to order beer or anything else that could get her drunk. Nayeon already has a tally ready in her head; Momo’s on her fourth drink, Jeongyeon’s on her fourth, Jihyo’s on her fifth, and Tzuyu’s on her second. It’s when she realizes she’s parched from munching on the sliders they ordered and she’s finished what was left of her water.</p><p>So she gets up from their table and stalks forward, the music blaring in her ears as she’s trying and half-failing not to hit the bodies swaying with the music on her way to the bar counter.</p><p>
  <em>Honey</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'd walk through fire for you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just let me adore you</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Nayeon leans on the edge of the counter to flag the bartender and order a virgin mojito.</p><p>She scans the expanse as she waits for her drink, the second floor of the club was meant for celebrities and VIPs so she isn’t at all surprised to see some familiar faces.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, honey</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'd walk through fire for you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just let me adore you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like it's the only thing I'll ever do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Like it's the only thing I'll ever do</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon waves back at some actresses she’s worked with before taking the managing gig when they walk by, flashing them her signature toothy smile. The bartender hands Nayeon her drink after a few short minutes and Nayeon takes it, grateful for the cold sensation that runs through her palm when she touches the glass.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Your wonder under summer skies (summer skies)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Brown skin and lemon over ice</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Would you believe it?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon takes a swig of her drink before she pulls her weight off the edge of the counter to make her way back to their table but the swiftness of the movement causes her to stumble a little, hitting the shoulder of the person beside her.</p><p>The drink spills a little over the glass but it thankfully doesn’t land on the person’s clothes.</p><p>“Shit. I’m sorry.” Nayeon says quickly.</p><p>“Oh, it’s okay! You didn’t —”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You don't have to say you love me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I just wanna tell you something</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lately you've been on my mind</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Nayeon zeroes in on the girl’s face and suddenly the world around her seems to slow to a stop. Her heart beats along to the bass bursting out of the speakers.</p><p>“Mina,” she breathes out as Mina murmurs, “Nayeon.”</p><p>Nayeon takes her in — her hair’s long and blonde, her lips are red, cheeks looking flushed under the disco lights. It’s been so long since she’s seen her and her first thought when she does is about how beautiful she still is.</p><p>She doesn’t feel the anger, the regret, the sadness she thinks she’s supposed to feel.</p><p>None of those.</p><p>Seeing Mina in all her glory after two long years made Nayeon feel simultaneously alive and relaxed at the same — it’s like finally being able to eat after starving for a week, it’s like finally going home after a long, hard day.</p><p>A smile splits her face in two.</p><p>Mina stares back at her.</p><p>She didn’t expect to see her this soon, not in this place too. She planned to meet her and expected to find herself begging for forgiveness but none of those is happening.</p><p>Her hair is shorter than she remembers, there’s lesser fat in her cheeks than before. Nayeon’s older but her smile remains soft, her eyes still remained kind. And the sight of her makes all her worries disappear for a while.</p><p>“You’re home.” Nayeon murmurs, she doesn’t expect Mina to hear her but Mina does.</p><p>The blonde smiles back, it’s shy and hesitant at first but Nayeon swears she can feel her heart fly into the sun.</p><p>“I’m home.”</p><p>--</p><p>The air felt lighter the moment Sana stepped foot in Japan.</p><p>She had no idea what she’s going to do or where she’s going to go from there but she was glad she’s away from everything clawing at her back in Seoul.</p><p>She’d spent a few days in a guesthouse in Tokyo, intending to spend the time planning her stay well. Besides planning her stay, she also took the time to contact her parents in Seoul, telling them she’s okay and she’ll be back soon all the while ignoring all the messages and the notifications that popped up when she turned her phone back on.</p><p>Sana had deactivated all her social media as well, reclaiming her almost forgotten private accounts and had chosen to lurk there instead.</p><p>Sana didn’t want to be found.</p><p>Now, she’s almost a month into her break, living in a unit inside a quaint little apartment building in Kurashiki.</p><p>She’s been doing okay, as okay as she can get that is. Her hair is dyed black and is cut at shoulder length, her nails are clean of nail polish, and her old phone’s been off after the first day in Japan, now collecting dust inside the drawer of her bedside table.</p><p>She gets a job at pastry shop in town, manning the counter and taking customers’ orders. She makes friends with the old lady whose cooking never fails to remind her of her grandmother’s, and lives with her granddaughter and their dog in the unit beside hers. She eats dinner with them on Thursdays, and talks to them about the life she had in Seoul — she leaves out the part that she’s in a band, she leaves out the part about the heartbreak that forced her to leave.</p><p>“I know someone who hates watermelon.” Sana says at dinner one time.</p><p>“Is it Momo?” the granddaughter, Hanako, asks. Sana smiles and nods. “Yeah. How’d you know?”</p><p>“You talk about her a lot, Sana-nee chan.” Hanako says, smiling brightly. “She’s special.”</p><p>“She is.”</p><p>“Do you miss her?”</p><p>“All the time.”</p><p>--</p><p>It’s September, just three months into the band’s hiatus and Momo finds herself moping on her bed.</p><p>She’s formed a routine over the months already: eat, sleep, go to weekly sessions with her therapist, play the drums, try to write music, watch movies, sleep, and repeat.</p><p>Her friends have been trying to convince her to go out with them; Jihyo had invited her to attend Pilates and yoga classes with, Tzuyu had invited her to hang out at a dog café, Nayeon had invited her to the movies with Mina — all invitations to get her out of the penthouse have been utterly shot down.</p><p>It’s Jeongyeon who’s trying to convince her now.</p><p>“Momo, come on. It’s a <em>puppy </em>show, you’ll be able to pet puppies — cute, fluffy ones you’d love to cuddle with and coo over.”</p><p>“It’s too warm outside.” Momo argues weakly, not looking Jeongyeon in the eyes and focusing her eyes on the TV in front of her as she munches on corn chips instead.</p><p>“When was the last time you went outside?” Jeongyeon asks her.</p><p>Momo barely takes her eyes off the TV. “What day is it?”</p><p>“Monday.”</p><p>Momo hums briefly. “Then last June.”</p><p>“You little shit.”</p><p>--</p><p>They stop trying to convince her to go outside after that.</p><p>She’d do it if she was ready.</p><p>--</p><p>She could lie to herself and say she’s better off living here but no, Sana knows she still has to face all the ghosts she’d left back in Seoul.</p><p>But she just can’t bring herself to do it yet.</p><p>So she copes by spending most of her nights watching old videos of her and the band on Youtube, she sometimes ends up binge watching all their variety show guestings, their interviews, their lives.</p><p>She listens to their songs while she cleans her unit, listens to it when she’s cooking dinner for herself, listens to them when she has trouble sleeping.</p><p>Sana spends her nights crying and thinking about Momo, she cries and wallows in the pit of loneliness she’s dug for herself until she falls asleep imagining Momo’s arms wrapped around her securely.</p><p>She wakes up and the other side of the bed is cold, Sana gets up and faces the world alone.</p><p>Her life away from home is fun and quiet, but Sana’s still haunted.</p><p>--</p><p>On the night of November 9th that year, Jeongyeon catches Momo crying on the floor of her bedroom thanks to her door being slightly ajar.</p><p>They’d finished celebrating her birthday just a few hours ago, a small dinner with her parents and her bandmates, Mina was there too. Momo had put on a pleasant smile before, enjoying the company and eating cake, now she’s sitting on the floor with her knees drawn close to her chest as she sobs.</p><p>“Mo,” she says softly as she approaches her.</p><p>“It’s my first birthday without her, Jeong.” Momo tells her, the ache wraps itself around her ribs. “Since I’d met her, she’s always been there, shoving cake into my face or wiping icing on my cheek. Tonight she wasn’t.”</p><p>Jeongyeon plops down onto the space beside her, leaning her back against the edge of the bed.</p><p>“Do you miss her?”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>--</p><p>Approximately 629 miles away on that same night, Sana buys a cake — a strawberry shortcake the shop she works at sells.</p><p>She’s alone in her apartment, the only source of light is the screen of her phone and the light of the candle she lit on the cake.</p><p>She blows the candle and smiles as she fondly thinks of the girl she left behind hundreds of miles away.</p><p>“Happy Birthday, Momo.”</p><p>--</p><p>The day after her birthday, Momo gives in and scrolls through her phone's gallery.</p><p>She watches her videos with Sana, looks and stares at their pictures — it's a form of torture, some form of punishment she's willingly decided to inflict upon herself to atone for fucking things up completely.</p><p>All day, she fights the urge to call her, to  message her, to check her phone in the hopes of receiving a call or a text from her. </p><p>She repeats the cycle in the next day, and in the next.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>The reception had went on for another hour.</p><p>There’d been a hilarious ruckus during the tossing of the brides’ bouquets involving Nayeon’s cousin and Mina’s choreographer who ended up almost wrestling each other to get their hands on the bouquet while Tzuyu stood on the sidelines holding the other as she fights the burst of laughter about to erupt from her mouth.</p><p>There’d been a few more dances and photo ops before the event came to an end by sending the brides off to their car for their wedding night. The car had sped away with applauses and cheers behind its tail.</p><p>Sana had been avoiding Momo for the rest of the event, refusing to make eye contact with her, not allowing herself to be in arm’s reach.</p><p>But now they’re alone, outside of the parking lot while they wait for their friends to get their cars out.</p><p>The silence settles between them, it’s awkward and it makes Sana want to run away.</p><p>Momo is the first to break it.</p><p>“Sana.”</p><p>Her voice destroys the shield Sana’s put up for the majority of the evening, it all come crashing back — the divorce, Momo’s words, the painful twist of her heart.</p><p>Sana doesn’t say anything, she just silently gathers copious amounts of strength to stop herself from crying. She fails though, tears readily roll down her cheeks the second she hears Momo’s voice.</p><p>“I’m sor —”</p><p>Sana turns slowly to face Momo without falling to her knees and breaking down and Momo sees her face, sees the tears, and the pain of such a sight fills her lungs and she can’t breathe properly anymore.</p><p>Sana shakes her head.</p><p>
  <em>Not tonight, my heart is tired.</em>
</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hirai.”</p><p>She looks away and wipes the tears off of her face.</p><p>Before Momo could respond, Jeongyeon wheels her car out of the parking lot, Jihyo’s in the passenger seat, Tzuyu’s already sleeping in the back.</p><p>“We’ll drive you to your hotel, Sana.” Jihyo calls out after rolling the windows down.</p><p>Sana shakes her head and flashes Jihyo a small smile. </p><p>“Nah, it’s okay, Ji. I already booked a cab earlier and the ride’s almost here. I just waited to say good bye.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Jeongyeon speaks up from the driver’s seat.</p><p>“Yep. You should go straight home and rest.” Sana replies, “And it’s… been a long night.”</p><p>Jihyo’s face falls upon hearing her statement but she understands, she always does.</p><p>So she smiles back warmly at Sana.</p><p>“Alright. Call any of us when you get to your hotel, okay?”</p><p>Sana nods.</p><p>“Sure thing, <em>mom</em>,” she says before turning to Jeongyeon and saying, “Drive safely.”</p><p>Jeongyeon gives her a thumbs up and faces Momo, “Mo, get in.” </p><p>Momo doesn’t realize she’s been staring at Sana, not until Jeongyeon’s voice pulls her back into reality.</p><p>Sana doesn’t look at Momo when she steps inside the car, Momo’s heart just shatters into a thousand more pieces all the way home.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana sits on the bed in her hotel room, the windows are drawn out and there’s a glass of wine in her hand as she stares at the late night cityscape.</p><p>It’s an awfully familiar setup, some sort of déjà vu.</p><p>It feels like the evening before the start of an apocalypse.</p><p>Sana takes a sip of her wine and thinks that in just a few hours, maybe, just maybe, she’ll get the peace she deserves.</p><p>--</p><p>Jeongyeon and Jihyo share a bottle of Cass on the balcony — it’s become a habit of theirs, formed after one college party they attended together. Jihyo had the highest alcohol tolerance between the two of them so she and Jeongyeon decided to share drinks once the latter started feeling tipsy or on theverge of becoming flat out drunk.</p><p>They’ve been doing it for a very long while and they’re both glad that it stuck with them even after they got famous.</p><p>Jihyo draws her knees closer to chest as Jeongyeon stares out in the open, humming a melody absentmindedly.</p><p>“What happened to them earlier?” Jihyo asks.</p><p>Jeongyeon stops and sighs. “They pretty much imploded.”</p><p>“Momo still didn’t want to give their relationship a chance?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jeongyeon replies. “She said she wanted to, though. But she didn’t say yes because she’s scared.”</p><p>“But she still loves her, doesn’t she?”</p><p>Jeongyeon nods wordlessly.</p><p>Jihyo hums, taking a swig of their beer.</p><p>“I get where Momo’s coming from,” she mumbles, “being in love with someone isn’t enough reason to dive into a relationship or in her case, try again with that person. It’s like stepping into water with one foot in and the other firmly planted on land. The relationship’s going to be half-assed and flimsy.”</p><p>Jeongyeon listens to her, reaching in to start munching on the cashews again.</p><p>“She’s harboring anxiety about what will happen next, if she’ll hurt Sana again or vice versa. And I get it. With everything Momo’s dealing with, the future can be really fucking scary and naturally Momo’s first instinct is to shield Sana from whatever disaster she was going to bring in. She loves Sana enough to let her go.”</p><p>“Ah.” Jeongyeon chuckles. “Is that what happened to us? Why you didn’t even try with me?”</p><p>Jihyo tenses up, not expecting Jeongyeon to bring their past up but Jihyo sighs in agreement anyways.</p><p>“Well, yeah.” Jihyo replies. “I didn’t want to get into a relationship with you when I had a lot of commitment issues to resolve. You’re my friend first before everything else so I had to stop things before it got too serious.”</p><p>“Do you regret it?” Jeongyeon asks.</p><p>The younger girl laughs as she nods. “I do, Jeong. Sometimes I do.”</p><p>She looks at Jeongyeon and smiles, the latter raises an eyebrow. “Sometimes?”</p><p>“Yeah. But I think about where we are in each other’s lives right now, how we’ve become better friends after all these years, and I begin to thank twenty-three year old Jihyo for not fucking this up.”</p><p>Jeongyeon chucks a nut at her and grins, “I thank twenty-three year old Jeongyeon for being understanding.”</p><p>“Yep and besides you’re fucking crazy, I would like to have a girlfriend who doesn’t like pineapple on pizza.”</p><p>“You little shit. You’re allergic to pineapple, your opinion isn’t valid.”</p><p>“Whatever, Jeongyeon. I don’t take criticism from someone who was head over heels for me.”</p><p>“Was? Who said I’m over you, dumbass?” Jeongyeon counters with a huff.</p><p>Jihyo throws her a teasing grin. “Gross.” Then she adds, “Maybe in the future we can give it a shot.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Jeongyeon agrees. “When you’re ready.”</p><p>“When everything’s okay.”</p><p>Jihyo’s grin softens.</p><p>“When everything’s okay.”</p><p>--</p><p>In her room, Momo wraps her comforter around her as she sits on the floor.</p><p>She’s facing the window with the curtains drawn out while she watches the city lights sparkle like someone had carelessly scattered bits and pieces of diamonds all over.</p><p>There’s a half empty can of beer beside her and the sound of the city below her fills the room.</p><p>She listens.</p><p>It’s become a habit of hers over the past year, born out of the ache of wanting, born out of the pain of missing the person she loves.</p><p>Momo draws her knees closer to her chest and lets regret fill every vein in her body.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>On the 29th of December, Momo starts writing lyrics again.</p><p>She’s written lines in the past couple of months already but she hasn’t written a full song since their last comeback. She’s decided to try and start writing again, her therapist tells her it’s a good way to let her feelings out too, that it’s a good way to let herself breathe.</p><p>So she takes a slice of blueberry cheesecake from their fridge before settling inside her room. It might have been pathetic to some, eating cake in an attempt to celebrate the birthday of someone who isn’t there but Momo finds comfort in it.</p><p>It helps with the loneliness.</p><p>Momo sits on the floor of her bedroom, opens a can of beer, and opens her notebook after such a long time. She reaches over and gets a pen from her drawer and gears herself up to begin writing.</p><p>She thinks of Sana, she always does. Most of her songs are written for her and that wasn’t going to change anytime soon.</p><p>Momo thinks of Sana and thinks of the sun — she loved truly, passionately, and infinitely. And like a moth to a flame, she’s drawn closer.</p><p>Too close and she catches fire.</p><p>Momo pens down the lyrics, hands pressing a little too intensely onto the pages of her notebook.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Wings made of wax</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love made of fire.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You loved too much</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I talked too little</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We flew too high</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now we’re falling too fast</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Momo looks at words she’s written, eyes already stinging with the threat of tears that she takes her gaze away from the paper almost immediately and looks out the window instead.</p><p>The big city is still alive with the sounds of cars and the light of the buildings outside.</p><p>Momo lets out a sigh as she reaches over and raises her can of beer to the space in front of her, a melancholic smile graces her face.</p><p>“Happy birthday, Satang.”</p><p>She wonders what Sana is doing and if she’s doing okay.</p><p>--</p><p>She finishes the song at one in the morning and shows it Jihyo later that day.</p><p>Jihyo grins widely when Momo comes up to her and tells her she’s written something but her heart hurts for her when she realizes what story the song was telling.</p><p>--</p><p>The band builds the instrumentals together over cups of coffee in the middle of the day or cans of beer during the wee hours of the night, spending time just drowning in music and actually enjoying the song making process for the first time in years.</p><p>They finish the first demo of the song on the afternoon of the 31st and lets Nayeon listen to it before sending it to their producer, thinking it’s a good idea to release a single after months of inactivity.</p><p>Their producer sets a schedule for the recording. The day after the New Year arrives, they resign themselves into the studio, excited to start recording the song.</p><p>BDZ releases the song as a surprise on January 5th.</p><p>--</p><p>The songs fuels the breakup rumors surrounding Sana and Momo but Momo pays no mind to it and Sana — well, Sana’s doing a truly terrific job hiding from everyone to give a response.</p><p>Some people believe the rumors, some people don’t.</p><p>Everything that happened between Sana and Momo remains in ambiguity.</p><p>The song becomes a hit either way.</p><p>--</p><p>Sana gets a notification on Twitter on the midnight of January 5th.</p><p>Her heart almost leaps out of her chest when she sees the news of BDZ releasing a song.</p><p><em>Icarus, </em>lyrics by <em>Hirai Momo</em>.</p><p>It’s a pathetic how it only took one song to destroy the protective castle walls she’s been hiding behind the past several months.</p><p>She plays the song on repeat, sobbing into her comforter as she listens to the words written the woman she’s loved for years.</p><p>Her heart breaks over and over and over.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>Momo wakes up at nine in the morning feeling like there’s a pit inside her stomach.</p><p>She’s supposed to meet up with the lawyer and Sana in an hour and a half but she her body feels heavy and she doesn’t want to move. She’s feeling so many things all at once — nervousness, hurt, sadness, regret — but she fights the urge to lay down and hide away and gets off her bed, forcing herself to take a bath and get dressed.</p><p>Her bandmates are still in their rooms, obviously tired from the previous night, so Momo decides not to cause a ruckus in the kitchen and just grabs a tuna wrap and a bottle of Gatorade from their fridge to eat on her way to the law firm.</p><p>She’s not in the proper headspace to drive, she’s too distracted by the heaviness inside her chest, her knees are constantly threatening to wobble and shake. She decides to book a cab and forces herself to eat the tuna wrap as she tries not to think of how just much she’s going to lose in just a few minutes on her way over.</p><p>Momo arrives at the building and dismisses the people who approach her, stare at her, or whisper about her as she makes her way to the empty conference room. She opens her Gatorade as the door shuts behind her.</p><p>She takes in the interior of the room; there’s a large table in the center, ten wooden seats around it and a singular window at the end of it all. The light from the window reflects off of the varnished wood of the table and dust motes float with the sunlight that’s drifting in.</p><p> </p><p>Her heart almost stops when she sees Sana sitting in a chair with its back against the wall, elbows placed on the armrests as she stares at the wall in front of her. Sana steps out of her daze at Momo’s sudden appearance.</p><p> </p><p>They end up staring at each other because there’s so much to be said but Sana remembers everything Momo had told her yesterday so just presses her lips together and keeps mum before taking her eyes off of Momo. Momo sighs inaudibly as she sits next to her, taking a swig of her drink in a desperate attempt to keep her mouth busy, to prevent it from leaking out any kind of words or apologies, to stop herself from falling apart and beg, because Sana looks like she doesn’t want to hear any of it.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning,” the lawyer says as he walks in. “I’m glad that you’re both here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Morning,” Sana mutters low enough to prevent the lawyer from hearing her but still loud and audible enough for Momo to catch.</p><p>“Alright,” he says, standing at the head of the table, hands clasped in front of him. “I get that this process is emotionally difficult considering the duration of your relationship and the history between the two of you and that there are a lot of other factors surrounding this case, but I assure you both that I will see to it that this process goes smoothly as we move forward.” The attorney fixes both of them with a look as he tries to assure them.</p><p>“All you need are our signatures, right?” Sana asks, raising her voice enough for him to hear. “After this I don’t have to be present during the proceedings?”</p><p>The attorney nods. “Yes. As long as it’s uncontested, you’re free to excuse yourself from the trials.”</p><p>Sana nods while Momo remains frozen in her seat.</p><p>“I have the new set of papers for you both to sign.” he adds, shooting the both of them a look. “Do you want to sign them already or... do you still want a moment alone to talk?”</p><p>Sana is about to decline, not wanting to prolong this any longer because she’s scared she’ll crumble and all the courage she’s mustered up the night before disintegrates completely, but Momo speaks up before she can even get one word out.</p><p>“Can you leave us alone for a bit…?” Momo asks, there’s a hint of hesitation in her voice and a lot of fear.</p><p>Sana knits her brows together, jaw clenching at the thought of staying inside this room longer than she should — the impending heartbreak is just too suffocating.</p><p>“I’ll leave you two to it.” Their lawyer nods curtly, excusing himself before shutting the door behind him.</p><p>Momo and Sana stare at the papers in front of them.</p><p>Just their signatures left.</p><p>A few scribbles on paper and their six-year relationship is done.</p><p>A few lines on paper and Sana’s going to go back to a life without Momo, she’s going to live on while carrying so much of Momo with her — what is she going to do with the knowledge about Momo’s favorite food, what is she going to with the image of Momo sleeping soundly as she settles inside Sana’s embrace, what is she going to do with the memory of flower rings, promises under the rain, and vows for the future?</p><p>Sana’s finally found the strength to force herself to sign those god damn papers, to do one last thing that would make Momo happy, so why the hell is Momo prolonging this?</p><p>“What’s this about?” she questions, voice sharper than she’d intended.</p><p>They don’t look at each other, Sana never thought that they day where seeing the other’s face is just too much would ever come but here they fucking are.</p><p>Momo bites the inside of her cheek, her eyes sting, her throat is dry, and her tongue feels like lead inside her mouth.</p><p>“Sana.” Momo manages to choke out. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Sana makes the mistake of letting her eyes drift over to Momo whose eyes are heavy, and whose lips are pressed together as if it’s the only thing holding back tears right now.</p><p>Sana doesn’t know why but that does her in, the sight of Momo with misty eyes and that one fucking apology is what kills what little courage she has left.</p><p>She looks away a little too late because the dam breaks and Sana’s cheeks shine with tears.</p><p>“You don’t need to apologize,” she replies, fighting back the sob idling in her chest.</p><p>“I do.” Momo argues. “I’m sorry. For what I said last night, for all the shit I put you through. It’s not enough but I really am sorry.”</p><p>The raven haired girl surrenders first and turns to face Sana head on. She’s crying now, chest rising and falling quickly as she does.</p><p>“I didn't mean it, all the terrible things I said last night, none of them are true.” Momo breathes out. "You weren't seeing what you wanted to see, you were seeing what I truly wanted to do. I'm full of shit lately but believe me when I say I don’t want this — this divorce."</p><p>“Fuck you, Momo.” Sana replies, gritting her teeth as she looks away. She’s been playing it cool the entire morning, living off of trivial moments like getting past the door and forcing herself to step foot inside the conference room. She’s been doing <em>fine </em>because of <em>those </em>victories but Momo just had to fucking open her mouth and complicate things even more.</p><p>Her anger and frustration get the best of her.</p><p>“You’re so fucking <em>confusing</em>.” Sana hisses, her voice shakes with frustration and exhaustion. “I’m already signing the papers. What else do you <em>fucking</em> want from me?”</p><p>She fights the urge to get up and leave.</p><p>The silence looms over, it’s too deafening that not even the sound of the air-conditioner in the far corner of the room could compete with it.</p><p>Sana’s about to grab the papers and sign them to get things over with but she stops when she hears Momo exhale loudly. Sana sits and waits for the worst.</p><p>“Last night when you asked me to fix things together, I wanted to say yes.” Momo replies, voice breaking in the admission. “I wanted to say yes so bad.”</p><p>Sana blinks, she stares at the table, deluding herself that the furnishing on the wood is interesting to stop her chest from tearing itself open.</p><p>“Why…?” Sana asks, genuinely confused.</p><p>
  <em>You and your mixed signals, Momo. </em>
</p><p>Momo doesn’t answer, Jeongyeon’s words repeating themselves in her mind as the seconds pass.</p><p>
  <em>Tell her before it’s too late.</em>
</p><p>A dark cloud hovers over them, the silence blends with their sobbing and sits inside the room as it thrives off of their pain.</p><p>It hurts, Sana thinks. No one has ever had this much power of her to hurt her like this.</p><p>She finally dares to face and look Momo in the eye.</p><p>“Momo,” she says, the name she used to love saying now tastes like venom and tears on her tongue.</p><p>They’re both tear-streaked, eyes filled with pain and regret and all the unsaid things they’ve kept locked in.</p><p>“Momo… do you still love me?” Sana asks helplessly, because she’s tired and desperate and the last shred of dignity and courage she had is turned to dust. “Because I still do. I love you, Momo. Despite everything, I just can’t seem to stop and I don’t think I ever will.”</p><p>Her fingers clutch the fabric of her jeans as she waits for any kind of response.</p><p>“Momo,” she whispers, she doesn’t fight the sobs anymore.</p><p>“Two years.” Momo finally speaks, her voice breaks the same way her heart does. She buries her face in her hands as she sobs. “You were gone for two years and I spent most of it trying to get over you and spent the rest trying to convince myself and everyone else that I finally was.”</p><p>She bites her lip hard, only letting up when she tastes blood.</p><p>“Two years, Sana. Two years and I couldn’t do it. I get that I don’t have the right to feel this way because I was the one who fucked everything up by asking for a divorce but I couldn’t do it.” Momo cries, wiping her tears away in vain because they spill and they spill.</p><p>Sana listens to her, gives her a chance to speak.</p><p>“I love you.” Momo looks up and confesses miserably, eyes wet and honest. It took her two years so say it out loud, it took two years for Sana to hear it again.</p><p>It’s painful and Sana feels like she’s being torn apart over and over. She wishes she could go back in time, when hearing the words <em>‘I love you’ </em>didn’t make her feel like she’s getting her limbs pulled apart.</p><p>“I love you, Sana.” Momo repeats. “I do, of course I do. I never stopped. I couldn’t fucking do it. It wasn’t even an option.”</p><p>Sana wishes things would stop hurting.</p><p>“Why are we here sitting around and waiting to sign our divorce papers then?” Sana asks weakly, she somehow finds the courage to take Momo’s hands into hers.</p><p>“Please, tell me the truth, Mo. Please let me in.”</p><p>Momo falls apart completely then.</p><p>“Because I’m scared.” Momo sobs. “I want to fix this marriage but I’m fucking terrified. I don’t want you to leave, I want to fix everything but I’m scared of the fact that I’m still not okay and I might end hurting you again and push you to leave again.”</p><p>She holds onto Sana’s hand, desperate for her warmth, for the feeling of safety.</p><p>“Do you get me?” Momo asks her desperately. “I want to fix this, Sana but I'm afraid I'm not okay enough to do it. I want to come back to you when I'm whole again. And that's going to take such a long time and it's going to hurt. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have."</p><p>The truth burns, it sings Sana’s skin and she feels like she’s been lit on fire.</p><p>Momo looks at her in the eye, desperate as she continues. “I want to fix this, I want to be with you but I want to do it when I'm better, when we’re <em>both</em> better.”</p><p>Sana’s chest feels heavy and her lungs feel like they’re about to burst. She wonders how much a heart can shatter before it’s completely gone. It hurts, hearing the truth roll off of Momo’s tongue it hurts so much.</p><p>But she understands, she always does.</p><p>They aren’t twenty anymore, life isn’t kind to people and love isn’t enough to save everything. They’re twenty seven and sometimes loving means letting go, sometimes people need to fall apart to become better versions of themselves. They’re twenty seven and they still need to grow even if it meant doing it alone. They’re twenty seven and Sana finally understands that they need to stay apart to heal.</p><p>"You're right." Sana murmurs gently, the tears aren't letting up anytime soon. "You're right, Mo."</p><p>“I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for refusing to talk about this, for hurting you and breaking your heart over and over again. And I know it’s selfish of me but I don’t want to end this — our marriage. I just want to give ourselves a chance to heal first.”</p><p>Sana nods, the pain dulls inside her, the fire and the ache of the past two years slowly chip away as they finally, <em>finally </em>land on the same page.</p><p>With tears still streaming down her face, Momo pleads, “You can do anything you think is best to help yourself heal but please, don’t leave me without telling me again, Satang.”</p><p>Sana nods gently, pulling one hand away from Momo’s and rests it on her face as she runs her thumb underneath Momo’s eyes. “I won’t. I promise.”</p><p>Momo lifts Sana’s hand that’s been holding hers and places it on her chest, right where her heart beats and pounds, <em>this is where I kept yours before</em>. Sana allows herself to feel Momo’s heart beat steadily, it calms her and it puts her broken pieces slowly back together little by little, it tells her ‘<em>you’re home, Sana, you’re finally home’</em>.</p><p>“I’m going to get better, Satang.” Momo promises. “Not just for you, but I know I owe it to myself too even if it’ll be a painful process and I might fuck up.”</p><p>Sana thinks back to their wedding — they aren’t the girls they used to be anymore, they aren’t two twenty-four year olds who thought love was enough to conquer everything. They’re different people, broken and torn apart by time and their mistakes.</p><p>She smiles to the best of her ability before drawing closer and pressing a soft kiss on Momo’s lips. Momo gives in and kisses her back, allowing herself to melt into her touch and she forgets everything else that scared her for years.</p><p>“I promise to love you even then,” she whispers against her lips.</p><p>Momo nods, cheeks still wet. “I promise to love you even then.”</p><p>She’s scared, they both are in some ways, and it would take a long time to find their way back to themselves but they’re both glad that at least there’s one thing that never seemed to have changed.</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Then</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>“What are you gonna do when she comes back?” Jihyo asks over a bottle of wine, they’re on the balcony, braving the evening breeze as they sit side by side.</p><p>They’re alone; Jeongyeon’s spending the weekend at her parents’ house, Tzuyu’s out to meet someone ‘<em>very important</em>’, and Nayeon — well, Nayeon’s on a ‘<em>not-date</em>’ with Mina.</p><p>“<em>If </em>she comes back.” Momo replies, taking a sip of her drink.</p><p>“It’s Sana, Mo.” Jihyo tells her, scoffing. “I honestly think she’s going to come back.”</p><p>“I have a plan, Ji. I have a plan to avoid her for the rest of life.”</p><p>Jihyo rolls her eyes. “You also had a plan that involved divorcing her and leaving all of us behind and it bit you right back in the ass.”</p><p>“It’s still a plan.” Momo counters weakly, the truth stung.</p><p>“It is. But you know, sometimes the universe just doesn’t give a shit, Mo.”</p><p>“I’ll get over her.” Momo breathes out. “I’ll stop loving her eventually.”</p><p>It’s more of a wish than a statement of truth.</p><p>“You know what you should do?” Jihyo asks before drinking out of her glass, relishing the taste for a moment.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You should stop lying to yourself.”</p><p>--</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Now</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>“What’s next?” Sana wonders loudly, staring at the ceiling of her hotel room. Momo’s lying on the bed with her, hands clasped together on her stomach.</p><p>It’s been hours since they left the lawyer’s office, overcoming the dread and embarrassment of telling him that they are not pushing through with the divorce and apologizing profusely for the inconvenience.</p><p>Their phones haven’t stopped ringing since that morning, probably asking for updates and checking in on the two of them but the calls and messages remain unanswered since they both agreed to turn them off for a while.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“What’s next for the great Hirai Momo?” Sana says with verve.</p><p>Momo lets out a chuckle. “I don’t know. I think I’m gonna stay here and take a break — a proper one. You?”</p><p>Sana hums in thought, mind exploring the possibilities. It goes quiet for a moment, but the silence doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t consume, not anymore.</p><p>Instead, it sits and it calms them both.</p><p>“I think I’m going to go back to Japan.” Sana says finally.</p><p>“Pfft.” Momo teases. “That’s where you stayed before, right?”</p><p>There’s no bite to her statement, no bitterness. Sana’s thankful for that.</p><p>“Yeah. I have a lot of stuff I left there so I’m going back there.”</p><p>Momo raises an eyebrow. “That’s it? You’re going back there to get your stuff back?”</p><p>“I think I’m gonna stay there for a while too.” Sana murmurs.</p><p>That was her plan anyway, if the divorce had pushed through, she planned to go back to Japan and stay there for good. But of course, things are different now, she’s going back to Japan to recuperate minus the emotional tension she carried with her when she left the first time. She’s going back to Japan without the fear of getting pushed away by the person she loves when she comes home. She’s going back to Japan with the assurance that Momo would still love her when she finally decides to come home.</p><p>Momo nods. “How long will you be gone?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Mo.” Sana answers honestly, shifting to her side to face her. “I just need you to let me go one last time.”</p><p>Momo turns to look at her and gives her a soft smile, her eyes are tender and it makes Sana feel lightheaded. “It’s okay.”</p><p>Sana rests a hand on Momo’s cheek, the latter leans into the touch.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Momo answers. “At least you told me this time.”</p><p>Sana giggles. “You little shit.”</p><p>Momo breaks into a full on grin.</p><p>“Promise me you’ll be back?”</p><p>“I promise.”</p><p>“I’ll wait for you, no matter how long you might take.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“Okay?”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>--</p><p>They spend the night wrapped in each other’s arms, settling into each other’s warmth and comfort.</p><p>Things don’t go back to the way they were but it’s a start.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*taps the mic* who wants angst at three in the morning raise your hands</p><p>kidding.</p><p>hi, i'm sorry this update took three months. i was swamped with work and personal stuff. i'm not really satisfied with this one either but i hope you all like this chapter. </p><p>happy 6.1k hits and thank you for the kudos! i appreciate all the comments you guys leave after every update, seriously, they're really good motivators. thank you so so much.</p><p>also, i wanna try smth so uh tell me your favorite lines from this fic? sklsdklskd</p><p>happy (?) reading! we're almost done. i'll be back with chapter 9 soon.</p><p>come at me on twt: _momorings</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>why is nayeon not part of the band? why'd she and mina break up before? when did jihyo and tzuyu join bdz? hm.</p><p>anyways, this fic has been sitting around my laptop for over a month now bc i didn't want to post an incomplete story but i figured i could just make this a multi chapter fic so here. this gets angsty but that's just bc of me trying to cope with heartbreak. </p><p>yell at me on twt: _momorings</p><p>i hope ya'll enjoy.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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